Wild Child

Another of the talks preceding my parting with the New Englander had to do with what we hoped one another would take with us from the relationship. Mine for him revolved around issues of worthiness and self-love. His for me? A wish that I'll do a lot of mountain biking and skiing.

At first blush, this seems like kind of a superficial thing to say, and in some ways, it is. But they are the two most important things in his life, so by that measure, it really isn't. As one of my friends said, it's his love language. And it's true that constitutionally, with all of my fire, I am well-suited to both of these activities.

The trouble for me has been, particularly with mountain biking,  that I started doing it again (after about a 20 year hiatus) with him. I bought my bike with him. I first rode in all the places around here with him. Up until now, doing it without him has felt too hard. I've only ridden once since he left over a year ago, and that episode involved at least as much crying as it did riding.

But while I was in Maine, I decided that when I got back home, I would make the effort (later in September) to go to the place in the Midwest with the best mountain biking that I've experienced: Copper Harbor in the U.P. It's wayyyyy up there. Like 7 hours away. But it's so beautiful and so worth the trip. And one of the things I really learned from him is sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do the long drive so you can get where you want to go. I'm trying to get some friends to go with me, but if I can't work that out, I'm going to go by myself. To reclaim it.

In the same vein, at the yoga class I went to yesterday I met a woman who is a mountain biker, and she said she'd ride with me around here, which made me feel like a whole new world will be opening up to me. One that contains other people who love these fun sports. And eventually, other dudes with beautiful arms and the fire to take on such activities in mid-life. Dudes whose home base is not the East Coast. Which gives me a lot more hope for my future than I had yesterday when I was still busy wallowing in self-pity because I didn't get the man I wanted. Or I got him. But I didn't get to keep him.

So today, after practicing yoga and then having brunch at a friend's house, I headed out to CamRock for some riding closer to home. It was a gorgeous summer day, and I had a lot of fun racing through the woods and prairie. I didn't even have any tears -- granted, I'd just had a session in the car where I screamed the words to my favorite breakup song ever -- One -- "You asked me to enter but then you made me crawl, I can't keep holding on, to what you got, when all you've got is hurt." And that little bit of music therapy helped me get some tears out of the way so I could just get out there on my bike and enjoy myself.

And as I rode, I heard the lyrics to this somewhat annoying but also pretty great song about the wildness in all of us -- a wildness that feels positively celebrated ripping trails on a mountain bike:

I am a wild child, yes I am
I love the country and I
I wanna run free and I
Don't wanna live up to anyone's plan
I wanna feel the good vibes and I
Wanna feel the sunshine with you,
By my side

I am, I am, I am, I am
I am a wild child, momma
You can, you can, you can, you can
You can hold me tight if you wanna
If you wanna hold me tonight

Take me where the music's playin'
Get me on the dancefloor
Pull me a little closer
I am a wild child, yes I am
I wanna feel the good vibes and I
Wanna feel the sunshine with you,
By my side

I am, I am, I am, I am
I am a wild child, momma
You can, you can, you can, you can
You can hold me tight if you wanna
If you wanna hold me tonight

I am, I am, I am, I am
I am a wild child, momma
You can, you can, you can, you can
You can hold me tight if you wanna
If you wanna hold me tonight

Yessiree, new man, mountain biker, and fellow wild child: You can hold me tight if you wanna -- but if you do -- please don't let go...