She Talks to Angels

I love this song, and I keep having the good fortune of hearing it in the car, which is especially welcome at the moment when I'm in between books on CD:

She never mentions the word addiction
In certain company
Yes, she'll tell you she's an orphan
After you meet her family

Speaking of addiction, I had a big realization in that department this week. As I've talked about many times, there is alcoholism in both sides of my family, so I've tried to learn as much as I can and stay on top of my own drinking so it doesn't become problematic. I also know I'm not an alcoholic. I once talked to a friend who is and she explained that having one drink was never enough for her, she always wanted more. I didn't understand this -- but what if you're full, or tired, or don't feel like it, or have to get up early the next day? Doesn't matter, she told me, but I really never got it. Until now.

I was warned a few months back about reestablishing contact with the New Englander, that it would be a slippery slope for both of us. I didn't listen, though, because I had all these new insights from writing my memoir that I wanted to share with him. And I did gain some information from connecting with him again, no question about that. But that information -- even when it was the fact that I'm not drawn to who he is now so much as who he was when we were first together - did not stop me from wanting more, in the same way that nothing stopped my friend from wanting another drink.

So I texted more, I let myself think about how to properly acknowledge his birthday, and all the while, I reassured myself in a way that I now find curious as a justification for this behavior: I just love him so much.

Whoopdeedoo Sarah Jane. That's no big realization. The realization I have about it now is that is only half of the equation. And that, coupled with the knowledge that when it comes to him I cannot, in fact, have just one "drink" -- well, that helps me come from a whole different place about how to move forward. And move on. Finally.

Sing it Black Crowes:

She paints her eyes as black as night now
She pulls those shades down tight
Oh yeah, there's a smile when the pain comes
The pain gonna make everything alright
Alright, yeah heah

She talks to angels
Says they call her out by her name
Oh, yeah, heah, angels
Call her out by her name
Oh, ooh, oh, oh, angels
They call her out by her name

Oh, oh, oh, she talks to angels
They call her out
Yeah, ee, eah, eah, eah, eah
Call her out
Don't you know that they
Call her out by her name?

Seeing Things

Let's face it, being sick mostly sucks. I've been in bed for nearly three days straight, and asleep for most of it. I wake up when I'm hungry or have to go to the bathroom, I take care of my needs, and I go back to sleep. It ain't pretty. My kids are at their Dad's, and there's no one here to take care of me, so I do what I have to do for myself. It's lonely and kinda depressing.

But there is one upside to being this sick. I feel like I am seeing the world, and my own life, through different eyes, and that changes what is possible.

I stumbled on this song by The Black Crowes today, and they seem to know a little something about seeing things differently:

I find it hard to shed a tear
You brought it all on yourself my dear
Wrong, yes I may be
Don't leave a light on for me
'Cause I ain't comin' home
It hurts me baby to be alone
Yes, it hurts me baby

A hundred years will never ease
Hearing things I won't believe
I saw it with my own two eyes
All the pain that I can't hide
And this pain starts in my heart
And this love tears us apart
You won't find me bent down on my knees
Ain't bendin' over backwards baby
Not to please

'Cause I'm seeing things for the first time
I'm seeing things for the first time, oh yeah
I'm seeing things for the first time
In my life, in my life

I used to dream
Of better days that never came
Sorry ain't nothin' to me
I'm gone and that's the way it must be
So please I've done my time
Lovin' you is such a crime
You won't find me down on, on my knees
Won't find me over backwards baby
Just to please

'Cause I'm seeing things for the first time
I"m seeing things for the first time
Seeing things for the first time
Oh I'm seeing things for the first time
Yeah, seeing things for the first time
I'm seeing things for the first time
Yeah, I'm seeing things for the first time
In my life, in my life

Here I am pre date at Colectivo: feeling unsure

Yep, and I'm looking forward to what is going to be revealed over the next few months. It's gotta be something. I went on a date for the first time in about a year on Friday night. It was a disappointment. No connection, no spark, nothing real in common. I'm telling myself I needed to go on that date to officially change columns to being open to something new, but I know the Universe can find a better match for me than someone who makes very little eye contact, talks about the fact that he works a lot at every opportunity (one might even say he creates opportunities to talk about this), someone whose idea of exercise is an elliptical machine, someone who has only been divorced for three weeks.

Naw.

That's not going to cut it, Universe. We can do better. I just know it. One of the things I've been thinking about is how, right before I had that reunion with my first love, I met the New Englander. It was as if the Universe was trying to say "No, don't go down that road again! Why would you want to when you could be exploring this road?"

It's time once again for me to be shown the new road to explore. Just as soon as I can get out of this bed...