Open Your Heart

Today was another amazing day as you can see by the incredible blue of the sky behind me -- wow!

It was also amazing in that it involved lots of time outside, heart to hearts with colleagues, a 5 1/2 mile run, a yoga class and a delicious dinner with friends.

One of the subjects of conversation on the run and at dinner was a mutual friend who is going through a divorce and not having an easy time of it. God knows I've been there, and it isn't easy to watch from the sidelines and be supportive but not too involved, especially since I just happen to be warm for this particular divorcee's form.

There's just so many different feelings to deal with when a marriage unravels, and I think it's completely normal to put your heart on lockdown while going through it.

Sing it Human League:

And when it hurts you know they love to tell you
How they warned you
They say "Don't be surprised at someone's lies"
They think they taunt you
But if you can stand the test
You know your worst is better than their best
And so you stand here with the years ahead
Potentially calling
With open heart or with a spirit dead
You walk on

Lies the reason
Faith or treason
Playing a part
End concealing
Try revealing
Open your heart

Dare to feel
Take the chance
Make the deal
Being an island
Shying from trying
Seems the easy way
Such an easy way
But there's no future without tears

Lies the reason
Faith or treason
Playing a part
End concealing
Try revealing
Open your heart

But if you can stand the test
You know your worst is better than their best

Lies the reason
Faith or treason
Playing a part
End concealing
Try revealing
Open your heart

But as for me, my heart is more open than it's probably ever been before, and I just know I'm going to encounter another open heart attached to an attractive package before too long!

Human

This song is working for me today on so many levels. First you have my internal ipod, which dialed up this song especially for these lyrics (which I reprint now even though they're not the beginning of the song):

I forgive you, now I ask the same of you

Why, you ask? Because the book I mentioned yesterday, "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" has a section on forgiveness. Now I'm no stranger to forgiveness. I work hard at it. I regularly do the forgiveness guided meditation with Jack Kornfield. But this book added a new dimension that was really helpful to me. It said that not only do you need to forgive for whatever transgression your loved one has committed, but you need to forgive yourself for your judgement of it, because, the book says, that's where you do yourself harm. Fascinating! And I had to admit, I did judge him for leaving me, which is what I deemed the transgression. Why? Because it hurt, because it wasn't what I wanted, because it didn't feel right. Those seem like pretty good reasons, and they may be perfectly good reasons why I didn't like it, but they aren't reasons to judge. Nothing gives us that right.

But it's ok that I did, because:

I'm only human
Of flesh and blood I'm made
Human
Born to make mistakes

It's also working for me because I've really begun to realize the universality of the loss I'm experiencing. So many people love and lose. It's true that some never love in the all-out vulnerable way that I did, and it's true that others do and don't have to confront losing it in the same way I am. But many more people do. And there's a certain comfort in that. It's a human experience.

As I opened a bottle of Chianti tonight, thinking how much less sweet that is without my beloved by my side, I thought of all the people around the world experiencing something similar, and that made it hurt a little less.

That, and through all of it, I can still very strongly feel my beloved's humanity. I can imagine him singing right along with The Human League to this verse:

Come on baby, dry your eyes
Wipe your tears
Never like to see you cry
Won't you please forgive me

And that helps a little bit too. I know eventually, I'll need to replace the feeling I have waking up in the morning, the memories of him being there with me:

So many nights I longed to hold you
So many times I looked and saw your face
Nothing could change the way I feel
No one else could ever take your place

But they are taking their sweet time leaving, and I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in that, either:

(Human
Human)

I'm only human
Of flesh and blood I'm made
(I am just a man)
Human
Born to make mistakes

(Human
Human).