The Search is Over

Lately I've been getting lucky on finding favorite oldies on the radio -- yesterday I heard Straight from the Heart by Bryan Adams about which I've already blogged -- hearing it now made me cry thinking about how straight from the heart I used to get it from the New Englander.

It may be that there will always be an element of sadness to that loss, but there is also a LOT more peace. I'm at the point where I really believe that we both did what we could and that just didn't add up to a long-term partnership.

Today in the car, it was this classic song that had me cranking it up and singing along:

How can I convince you
What you see is real
Who am I to blame you
For doubting what you feel

I was always reachin'
You were just a girl I knew
I took for granted
The friend I had in you

I was living for a dream
Loving for a moment
Taking on the world
That was just my style
Now I look into your eyes
I can see forever
The search is over
You were with me all the while

And in some ways, the search is over -- me feeling like I need to do something or say something or be something or have something or weigh something in order to find a man -- that search is most definitely over. I no longer feel like I need to look for it -- I can let it find me.

It helps, I reckon, that some questions of the heart have been answered, and I'm still here to tell about it:

Can we last forever
Will we fall apart
At times it's so confusing
The questions of the heart

No, we can't last forever, New Englander, and yes, we did fall apart. And that sucked, for a while, but it also ultimately led me to where I am now, feeling happier, freer and more grounded than I've ever felt in my life. I recognize now that although we really loved each other, neither of us was able to patiently wait or follow one another through changes:

You followed me through changes
And patiently you'd wait
'Till I came to my senses through
Some miracle of fate

I was living for a dream
Loving for a moment
Taking on the world
That was just my style
Now I look into your eyes
I can see forever
The search is over
You were with me all the while

And I know that, as it did for Survivor, my luck will eventually strike like lightning from the blue:

Now the miles stretch out behind me
Loves that I have lost
Broken hearts lie, victims of the game
Then good luck, it finally struck
Like lighting from the blue
Every highway's leading me back to you

But this time, the highway will not lead to a dead end. It'll lead to something more like this:

Now at last I hold you
Now all is said and done
The search has come full circle
Our destinies are one...

High On You

High On You, Kid Style: Getting the Leaves Off the Roof

Driving home yesterday from my nephew's birthday celebration, my daughter and I found an awesome radio station that seemed to play one old cheesy number for mom followed by one more current cheesy number for daughter.

I got especially excited about hearing this one again:

There you stood, that'll teach her
To look so good and feel so right
Let me tell you about
The girl I met last night

It's understood, I had to reach her
I let the wheel of fortune spin
I touched your hand before
The crowd started crashin' in

Now I'm higher than a kite
I know I'm getting hooked on your love
Talkin' to myself, runnin' in the heat
Beggin' for your touch
In the middle of the street

And I, I can't stop thinkin' about you, girl
I must be livin' in a fantasy world
I'm so high on you

Smart and coy, a little crazy
The kind of face that starts a fight
Let me tell you about
The girl I had last night

Piercin' eyes, like a raven
You seemed to share my secret sin
We were high before
The night started kickin' in

Now I'm screamin' in the night
I know I'm getting hooked on your love
Talkin' to myself, runnin' in the heat
Beggin' for your touch
In the middle of the street

And I just kinda drove with the feeling of how much I miss being loved by a man in the physical plane. I get that there's a reason for this time to myself. I do. And I know that it will come to an end at the right time for me, in whatever way is best for me. I'm not in control of this process. I could try to take control, as I have in the past, by trying to arbitrarily stop feeling what I'm feeling or finding someone else to scratch the itch for me. But I don't see either of those roads as leading to liberation. I've been down them both before, and I can tell you they did not lead anywhere good.

So I'm going to hang in with the discomfort and stay with the process this time as best I can. Sorry Survivor, but this girl lived in a fantasy world for much of her life. It saved her, but it was ultimately an empty, lonely place to be, and now she's breaking out:

And I, I can't stop thinkin' about you, girl
I must be livin' in a fantasy world
I've searched the whole world over
To find a heart so true
Such complete intoxication
I'm high on you
I'm high on you
I'm high on you

Riding home from my yoga practice this morning, I started singing this song aloud, and I realized that maybe it's my heart I've searched the whole world over to find.

At the end of my group each week, the group leader reads the following message from the Hopi Elders, who would suggest that is indeed the case:

"There is a river flowing now very fast. It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid. They will try to hold on to the shore. They will feel they are being torn apart and will suffer greatly.
Know the river has its destination. The elders say we must let go of the shore, push off into the middle of the river, keep our eyes open, and our heads above the water.
See who is in there with you and celebrate. At this time in history, we are to take nothing personally. Least of all, ourselves. For the moment that we do, our spiritual growth and journey comes to a halt. The time of the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves!
Banish the word struggle from your attitude and your vocabulary. All that we do now must be done in a sacred manner and in celebration. We are the ones we've been waiting for..."

Eye of the Tiger

Survivor I am, as my pal Yoda would say.

I'm back from my 3 day silent retreat, and I can honestly say it was a phenomenal experience, but like a lot of phenomenal experiences (childbirth & marriage come to mind) it also TOTALLY sucked at some points. I was so afraid of what it would be like not to be able to talk or make eye contact for 3 days, but as it turned out, the far greater challenge was one 45-minute seated meditation after the other -- all day long -- the last one ended at 9:30pm.

We did take breaks to eat and sleep, and while I always appreciate a good sleep, it was really the food that saved me during that first and most harrowing 24-hour period. As I sat there, silently eating my meal, I pondered whether I'd ever make it as a Buddhist if all I really cared about was getting through all those damn meditation sessions so I could eat again. The food tasted SO amazing after sitting in silence for all that time -- I couldn't rave about it to my fellow retreatants or to the chef, of course -- so I just savored every morsel. Until they made me sit again. That's the funny thing, though, they really didn't make me do anything -- they just relied on the fact that we all wanted the result of all that sitting badly enough to keep coming back to the meditation hall. (More on results in a later post -- I've got a backlog in me after all that quiet contemplative time!)

I think it was the first morning, during like the 4th 45-minute sit (the first one started at 6:45am -- you can get more in before noon that way), that I just about lost my mind. And then I heard, as if I wasn't sitting in silence on a cushion, but rather, running up Breese Terrace during Madison's annual Crazylegs run:

It's the eye of the tiger, it's the cream of the fight

Risin' up to the challenge of our rival

And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night

And he's watchin' us all in the eye of the tiger

And that got me through until the next time the bell rang, and it was finally time for lunch.