Darling Nikki

Another tricky thing to navigate after a breakup is the loss of sexy naked time, and boy, did the New Englander and I have some sexy naked time!

People navigate this in all kinds of ways, masturbation, casual sex... Me, I'm down with the first, and have had my share of the second, but I'm not feeling like it's the way to go at the ripe old age of 48.

Sometimes I catch myself thinking about this part of our relationship, which then leads me down a path of asking myself how we could've messed up something so good? And THAT doesn't lead anywhere productive, because it tends not to include thinking about the crappy parts of our relationship that ultimately led us to the breaking point.

So what's a girl to do? I'm trying out a new strategy I learned where you name the different voices in your brain so you can better recognize when your brain is tricking you or leading you astray.

I named the part of my brain that is fixated on sex... what else? Nikki:

I knew a girl named Nikki
I guess you could say she was a sex fiend
I met her in a hotel lobby
Masturbating with a magazine
She said how'd you like to waste some time
And I could not resist when I saw little Nikki grind

She took me to her castle
And I just couldn't believe my eyes
She had so many devices
Everything that money could buy
She said sign your name on the dotted line
The lights went out
And Nikki started to grind

Nikki

The castle started spinning
Or maybe it was my brain
I can't tell you what she did to me
But my body will never be the same
Her lovin' will kick your behind
Oh, she'll show you no mercy
But she'll sho'nuff sho'nuff show you how to grind

Darlin' Nikki

Woke up the next morning
Nikki wasn't there
I looked all over and all I found
Was a phone number on the stairs
It said thank you for a funky time
Call me up whenever you want to grind

Oh, Nikki, ohhhh

Come back Nikki, come back
Your dirty little Prince
Wanna grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind

Uh-huh. Don't we all.

But for tonight, we'll have to make do with some great music, including this not-quite-as-good but kinda fun cover by the Foo Fighters...

Money Maker

Yesterday my friend and I went to see the movie The Big Short. Neither of us really knew what it was about going in, only that it was good. The movie didn't disappoint; it was about the financial crisis but it somehow managed to be clever and funny and poignant.

One of the songs in the soundtrack was this sexy song:

Shake your money maker
Like somebody about to pay you
I see you on my radar
Don't you act like you afraid of
Shh...
You know I got it
If you want it, come get it
Stand next to this money
Like - ey ey ey
Shake your money maker
Like somebody boutta pay you
Don't worry about them haters
Keep your nose up in the air
You know I got it
If you want it, come get it
Stand next to this money
Like - ey ey ey

Shake shake shake your money maker
Like you were shaking it for some paper
Took your mama 9 months to make you
Might as well shake what you mama gave you

Might as well! In the new year I'm focusing on trying to be in my body as much as I can, as well as opening the flow of giving and receiving, when it comes to money and my money maker...

The Pleasure Song

I have a new guilty pleasure on Netflix, and this one brings me more guilt and more pleasure than the average binge watch: The L word.

Dang there's a lot of hot sex on that show. I remember when it came out -- remember the controversy -- but I didn't have much interest in watching it at the time.

But now, with the longest dry spell of my adult life going, I have a lot of interest, and I'm grateful that it comes through for me.

This song, from the soundtrack, speaks my truth:

I got so much love
So much more
So much more love to give
I got so much more
So much love
So much more love left to give
So much pleasure
Draws me like I never saw
I have never seen you
Look like this before
I got so many lives
So many more
So many more lives to live
I got so much love
So much love
So much more love left to give
So much pleasure
Draws me like I never saw
I have never seen you
Look like this before
Are you with me or without me?
Are you with me here or am I alone?
I got somewhere
Somewhere to be
Somewhere to be with you
There is somewhere
Somewhere to be
Somewhere for me and you
So much pleasure
Draws me like I never saw
I have never seen you
Look like this before
Are you with me or without me?
Are you with me now or am I alone?
Can you see me? I can see you
Please be with me here so I'm not alone
So much more to know
Didn't want to go
So much more to know
Didn't want to go
So much more to go
Didn't want to go
So much more to know
Didn't want to go
So much more to know
So much more to go
So much more to know

So much more...

Come On Get Higher (I Miss the Sound of Your Voice)

My son has been nursing a couple of sports-related injuries, and I was going to call the doctor yesterday when I realized there was someone we could ask who would definitely know what he should do: The New Englander.

So I sent him a text and asked if my son could call him about it, and he said of course.

I didn't actually talk to him myself -- other than saying hi because he was on speakerphone when my kids talked to him -- but even so, just hearing his voice had a profound impact on me.

It used to be that every time I heard the sound of his voice -- since he moved away that is -- I would break down and cry. But that didn't happen last night. Instead, I was mostly ok with it, except for the part of me that was more than ok with it. That's right, despite the time that has passed and what has transpired between us - the sound of that man's voice is still like an on-switch for my girl parts.

And that's ok. We've always had a strong physical connection. We probably always will. I no longer confuse that for what it takes to have a meaningful partnership in this life -- but it is absolutely undeniable. And so I'm letting it be, and marveling a little about how long it has been now that that part of me has been almost dormant. I don't feel like I'm doing that on purpose. I don't feel like I've taken myself off the market. I just feel like now I know what it is like to have a physical relationship with someone you love deeply, and for me, there's no going back to feeling satisfied with anything less.

So this morning, when I woke up after a big night of dreams about the physical nature of my last relationship, this is the song that I heard on my inner ipod:

I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the rush of your skin
And I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in

If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
I'd make you believe
I'd make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the sound of your voice
Loudest thing in my head
And I ache to remember
All the violent, sweet
Perfect words that you said

I miss the pull of your heart
I taste the sparks on your tongue
I see angels and devils
And God, when you come on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

It's all wrong, it's all wrong
It's all wrong, it's so right
So come on, get higher
So come on and get higher
'Cause everything works, love
Everything works in your arms.

I remember the feeling that it was true that everything worked in his arms. But it wasn't really true, not on every level. If it had been, we'd still be together today. It's like the quote on the whiteboard in the office of a woman I met with today said:

"If you're committed to something, you'll find a way. If you're not committed, you'll find an excuse."

Uh-huh.

So now I'm committed to taking this knowledge of how incredible a physical connection can be and not settling for anything less than someone who is fully committed to living this beautiful life with me...

You Shook Me All Night Long

I'm lovin' the many classic selections of my inner jukebox in the past few weeks, and the song that came to me today is definitely on that list:

She was a fast machine she kept her motor clean
She was the best damn woman that I ever seen
She had the sightless eyes telling me no lies
Knocking me out with those American thighs
Taking more than her share
Had me fighting for air
She told me to come but I was already there
Cause the walls start shaking
The earth was quaking
My mind was aching
And we were making it
And you shook me all night long
Yeah you shook me all night long

I'm working double time on the seduction line
She's one of a kind she's just mine all mine
Wanted no applause it's just another course
Made a meal outta me
And come back for more
Had to cool me down to take another round
Now I'm back in the ring to take another swing
Cause the walls were shaking the earth was quaking
My mind was aching
And we were making it
And you shook me all night long
Yeah you shook me all night long
Knocked me out I said you
Shook me all night long
You had me shaking and you
Shook me all night long
Yeah you shook me
When you took me

You really took me and you
Shook me all night long
You shook me all night long
Yeah, yeah, you shook me all night long
You really got me and you
Shook me all night long
Yeah you shook me
Yeah you shook me
All night long

It's been quite some time since I've had this experience, but I've had it. I know what it's like. I've tasted the magic. And I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I will have it again.

I do not, however, know when, or with whom...

High On You

High On You, Kid Style: Getting the Leaves Off the Roof

Driving home yesterday from my nephew's birthday celebration, my daughter and I found an awesome radio station that seemed to play one old cheesy number for mom followed by one more current cheesy number for daughter.

I got especially excited about hearing this one again:

There you stood, that'll teach her
To look so good and feel so right
Let me tell you about
The girl I met last night

It's understood, I had to reach her
I let the wheel of fortune spin
I touched your hand before
The crowd started crashin' in

Now I'm higher than a kite
I know I'm getting hooked on your love
Talkin' to myself, runnin' in the heat
Beggin' for your touch
In the middle of the street

And I, I can't stop thinkin' about you, girl
I must be livin' in a fantasy world
I'm so high on you

Smart and coy, a little crazy
The kind of face that starts a fight
Let me tell you about
The girl I had last night

Piercin' eyes, like a raven
You seemed to share my secret sin
We were high before
The night started kickin' in

Now I'm screamin' in the night
I know I'm getting hooked on your love
Talkin' to myself, runnin' in the heat
Beggin' for your touch
In the middle of the street

And I just kinda drove with the feeling of how much I miss being loved by a man in the physical plane. I get that there's a reason for this time to myself. I do. And I know that it will come to an end at the right time for me, in whatever way is best for me. I'm not in control of this process. I could try to take control, as I have in the past, by trying to arbitrarily stop feeling what I'm feeling or finding someone else to scratch the itch for me. But I don't see either of those roads as leading to liberation. I've been down them both before, and I can tell you they did not lead anywhere good.

So I'm going to hang in with the discomfort and stay with the process this time as best I can. Sorry Survivor, but this girl lived in a fantasy world for much of her life. It saved her, but it was ultimately an empty, lonely place to be, and now she's breaking out:

And I, I can't stop thinkin' about you, girl
I must be livin' in a fantasy world
I've searched the whole world over
To find a heart so true
Such complete intoxication
I'm high on you
I'm high on you
I'm high on you

Riding home from my yoga practice this morning, I started singing this song aloud, and I realized that maybe it's my heart I've searched the whole world over to find.

At the end of my group each week, the group leader reads the following message from the Hopi Elders, who would suggest that is indeed the case:

"There is a river flowing now very fast. It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid. They will try to hold on to the shore. They will feel they are being torn apart and will suffer greatly.
Know the river has its destination. The elders say we must let go of the shore, push off into the middle of the river, keep our eyes open, and our heads above the water.
See who is in there with you and celebrate. At this time in history, we are to take nothing personally. Least of all, ourselves. For the moment that we do, our spiritual growth and journey comes to a halt. The time of the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves!
Banish the word struggle from your attitude and your vocabulary. All that we do now must be done in a sacred manner and in celebration. We are the ones we've been waiting for..."

Let's Get Physical

Last night I received one of the clearest messages to date that the New Englander is not in a position to give me what I want and need right now. I then proceeded to go to sleep and have not one but two dreams in which this song from one of my childhood faves wasn't, but could've been, playing in the background:

I'm saying all the things that I know you'll like
Making good conversation
I gotta handle you just right
You know what I mean
I took you to an intimate restaurant
Then to a suggestive movie
There's nothing left to talk about
Unless it's horizontally

Let's get physical, physical
I wanna get physical
Let's get into physical
Let me hear your body talk, your body talk
Let me hear your body talk

I've written about this before, but I read the book about love languages. I know mine are physical touch and quality time. Given that one of my primary goals right now is to love myself as much as I possibly can, I think my dreams were trying to tell me that it is time for me to be open to the love that is available in the present -- with all the dimensions I want, need and deserve:

I've been patient, I've been good
Tried to keep my hands on the table
It's gettin' hard this holdin' back
If you know what I mean

Because not doing that is denying myself something for the sake of something or someone that I have no way of knowing whether it or he will ever be able to deliver. So while I can't (and won't) deny that he brings out the animal in me:

I'm sure you'll understand my point of view
We know each other mentally
You gotta know that you're bringin' out
The animal in me

He's not someone who can bring that to Olivia's oh-so-natural conclusion with me:

Let's get physical, physical
I wanna get physical
Let's get into physical
Let me hear your body talk, your body talk
Let me hear your body talk

Let's get physical, physical
I wanna get physical
Let's get into physical
Let me hear your body talk, your body talk
Let me hear your body talk

At least not right now. So today, I'm asking for the willingness to be open to receiving the love I want and need in the present, because that's really all we've got:

Let's get animal, animal
I wanna get animal
Let's get into animal
Let me hear your body talk
Let me hear your body talk

I hear you talking, body. I know you want to get animal. Don't worry, I'm listening.

And so is the Universe...

Hold Me

After another stressful week, I was grateful that my 8th grader didn't have school today, because it afforded me some much-needed decompression time. We spent the morning completing the assembly of his new-at-Christmas game table that was so challenging to put together we had to wait until my friend could come back over and help us, which she was nice enough to do this morning.

Then we headed out for an afternoon at the movies with one of my son's friends in tow. It was our intention to see The Desolation of Smaug, the second in the trilogy of Hobbit movies, but we arrived to learn that we had missed it by a day. I was pretty intent on the big screen portion of my decompression time, so we chose what we hoped was the better of the two movies about to start: Ride Along.

I think I enjoyed the movie more than the boys did. Maybe it's my thing for Ice Cube -- such a beautiful man -- or maybe it's the fact that I was so ready to get lost in something -- anything -- other than work. I'm not sure. I do know there were some pretty uncomfortable moments when the flick's focus was sex.

After the movie, I dropped the boys off at my babydaddy's and headed home to get ready for a run. On my run -- my really, really cold run -- I was thinking about how perplexing sex can be for a young person. On the one hand, they are exposed to people who are obsessed with it, so they have to think it can be pretty great; on the other, it's uncomfortable and embarrassing when it comes up around one's parents. I hope to be a parent who can help sort that out that quagmire -- or at the very least -- not confound it with my own actions as my parents did.

My plan for myself when I got back from running was to do the rest of my Ashtanga practice -- I'd done my sun salutes before heading out -- but I just didn't feel like it once I settled onto my mat. As it often does when my kids first go back to their Dad's, my house felt quiet and empty and I felt the need to fill it with sound. I decided to search the Artist Specials portion of Slacker for something to keep me company, and in keeping with the feel from the movie I saw today, I settled on a Whitney Houston tribute.

Wasn't long before this song came on:

I'll hold you and touch you and make you my woman
I'll give you my love with sweet surrender
Tonight our hearts will beat as one
And I will hold you, touch you
And make you my woman tonight

Settled in my comfy living room, I would've given just about anything to be held, but I had to settle for a phone call -- not insignificant -- but not the same as being able to look into my lover's eyes:

There's something in your eyes I see
A pure and simple honesty

Hold me in your arms tonight
Fill my life with pleasure
Let's not waste this precious time
This moment's ours to treasure

Hold me in your arms tonight
We'll make it last forever
When the morning sun appears
We'll find our way together

I believe you when you say that you love me
Know that I won't take you for granted
Tonight the magic has begun
So won't you hold me, touch me
Make me your woman tonight

One of these days, he will. I just know it...