The Pleasure Song

I have a new guilty pleasure on Netflix, and this one brings me more guilt and more pleasure than the average binge watch: The L word.

Dang there's a lot of hot sex on that show. I remember when it came out -- remember the controversy -- but I didn't have much interest in watching it at the time.

But now, with the longest dry spell of my adult life going, I have a lot of interest, and I'm grateful that it comes through for me.

This song, from the soundtrack, speaks my truth:

I got so much love
So much more
So much more love to give
I got so much more
So much love
So much more love left to give
So much pleasure
Draws me like I never saw
I have never seen you
Look like this before
I got so many lives
So many more
So many more lives to live
I got so much love
So much love
So much more love left to give
So much pleasure
Draws me like I never saw
I have never seen you
Look like this before
Are you with me or without me?
Are you with me here or am I alone?
I got somewhere
Somewhere to be
Somewhere to be with you
There is somewhere
Somewhere to be
Somewhere for me and you
So much pleasure
Draws me like I never saw
I have never seen you
Look like this before
Are you with me or without me?
Are you with me now or am I alone?
Can you see me? I can see you
Please be with me here so I'm not alone
So much more to know
Didn't want to go
So much more to know
Didn't want to go
So much more to go
Didn't want to go
So much more to know
Didn't want to go
So much more to know
So much more to go
So much more to know

So much more...

One More Night

Soaking up the summer sun on the rocky shore

Spent the day riding again today, but decided to forego the trip to the brewery that turned into a big nap yesterday. Instead I decided to shower and head for Lake Superior.

It never disappoints! There's something about this rocky shoreline that is so grounding, and I could use a little of that right about now.

The beautiful view in the other direction

The weather has been extraordinarily beautiful, the riding fantastic, the sleep restorative, but there is no getting away from the fact that I'm alone up here.

Yesterday at my campsite, a man with young kids asked if I was solo and I said yes, to which he replied that his wife had been watching me and didn't think she'd ever do it by herself.

I felt like saying:

"Well dude, if you had asked me if I'd be here alone when my kids were that age, I would have told you that you were crazy, but here I am."

But I didn't, of course.

He said he thought I had it figured out -- both because he envied my alone time and of course men are much more comfortable than women with solo adventures. I get that.

He also said: "You could be doing this" pointing to his kids. I assured him that I have done that, and that my kids would have liked to have come (and I would have liked to have them), but they were older and had activities and school back at home.

There are some pretty great things about being solo -- lots of time to think -- getting to do what you want when you want -- but one of the things I've affirmed on this trip is that for me, I'd rather share this with someone. And since I'm no longer able to share it with the person I used to share it with, I resolved to make more of an effort to meet people for whom this weekend is their idea of a good time. They exist, I know they do, I just don't really know them (with one exception, and she was unable to join me).

Turns out this is the very last night that the East Campground at Fort Wilkins State Park is open, making this rather insipid Maroon 5 tune, which came to me as my neighbors on the campground were discussing having to pack up and leave in the morning:

You and I go hard at each other like we're going to war.
You and I go rough, we keep throwing things and slamming the door.
You and I get so damn dysfunctional, we stopped keeping score.
You and I get sick, yeah, I know that we can't do this no more.

Yeah, but baby there you go again, there you go again, making me love you.
Yeah, I stopped using my head, using my head, let it all go.
Got you stuck on my body, on my body, like a tattoo.
And now I'm feeling stupid, feeling stupid, crawling back to you.

So I cross my heart and I hope to die
That I'll only stay with you one more night
And I know I said it a million times
But I'll only stay with you one more night

And the song, when it came, reminded me as a number of things have on this trip, that all was not sunshine and daisies when I was with the New Englander, even in beautiful places like this.

There was always a part of me that wished he'd share more of himself with me, or think about us as a unit, but he truly functioned like a solo entity that sometimes had an add-on (or three). This was driven home to me in a comment he made on the way home from here the very last time we were up here together.

He was leaving soon (for New England), and we were talking about the fact that we hadn't been to Marquette yet (another town in the U.P. with great mountain biking), and I mentioned a weekend that I could go. I will never forget what he said in response: "Oh no, I wouldn't be going for comfort."

Meaning that he hadn't been thinking I'd be with him at all, if he did go, and that I didn't really enter the picture for him when he thought about going. My heart sank. That was such a pivotal moment for me. It really made me realize he didn't want to share his life with me, or maybe with anyone, I don't know.

But it's good for me to remember that, because I am also remembering so many delicious things about our relationship while I'm up here:

Try to tell you "no" but my body keeps on telling you "yes".
Try to tell you "stop", but your lipstick got me so out of breath.
I'll be waking up in the morning, probably hating myself.
And I'll be waking up, feeling satisfied but guilty as hell.

Yeah, but baby there you go again, there you go again, making me love you.
(Making me love you)
Yeah, I stopped using my head, using my head, let it all go.
(I let it all go)
Got you stuck on my body, on my body, like a tattoo.
(Like a tattoo, yeah)
And now I'm feeling stupid, feeling stupid, crawling back to you.

And I also feel grateful, that since he really had no intention of truly partnering with me, that he did leave. Because god knows it was nearly impossible for me to stay away from him when he was nearby -- my physical body just wouldn't have it:

So I cross my heart and I hope to die
(Yeah)
That I'll only stay with you one more night
(Oh)
And I know I said it a million times
(Yeah)
But I'll only stay with you one more night
(Yeah)

Yeah, baby, give me one more night
Yeah, baby, give me one more night (whoa, yeah)
Yeah, baby, give me one more night (oh, yeah, yeah)

The Other Side

My Sweet Little Lakefront Campsite!

The Upper Peninsula loves it some classic rock, and this trip up here was no exception.

Take it away Aerosmith:

Loving you has got to be (take me to the other side)
Like the devil and the deep blue sea (take me to the other side)
Forget about your foolish pride (take me to the other side)
Oh take me to the other side (take me to the other side)

My mamma told me there'd be days like this
And man, she wasn't fooling
Because I just can't believe the way you kiss
Uh uh huh
You opened up your mouth with baited breath
You said you'd never leave me
You love me, you hate me, I tried to take the loss
You're crying me a river but I got to get across

I'm looking for another kind of love
Oh Lordy, how I need it
The kind that likes to leap without a shove
Oh, honey, best believe it
To save a lot of time and foolish pride I'll say what's on my mind, girl
You loved me, you hate me, you cut me down to size
You blinded me with love and yeah it opened up my eyes

On the Edge: So fun to ride up - more challenging to ride down!

Take me to the other side
I'm looking for another kind of love
Oh Lordy, how I need it
The kind that likes to leap without a shove
Honey, best you believe it
Now I'm not one for saying long goodbyes
I hope all is forgiven
You loved me, you hate me, I used to be your lover
You know you had it coming girl so take me to the other...

Having heard this song in the car yesterday, it kept me company as I rode the amazing trails today -- one of my faves is pictured here.

And after three and a half hours of riding followed by an hour in the finest brewery in the world, I do believe I got to the other side all by myself...