Further

About a month ago I got a note from the Universe that has been with me ever since. It said:

"The lower the price of your love, Sarah, the higher its value."

This makes a lot of sense to me, and feels like words to live by, so that's exactly what I've been trying to do.

Which means that when I felt like talking to my heart's all-time favorite man last night, I called him up. For a while I was trying to tell myself that it was time to move on, so I should resist that urge, and when I take my kids out there to visit, I should sleep in my own bed instead of with him.

But then it dawned on me that not only was that inflating the price of my love, it was placing arbitrary terms around my heart, which wants what it wants. So for now, I'm just going to embrace this lingering love, uncertain though its future may be.

Sometimes that feels good. Spacious. And other times it feels scary. And sad. And all the other things expressed in this song:

If I can't let this go
I'm telling you I won't make it another year
If I go all the way
I'm telling you I can see all these things coming clear

'Cause we have so much love
But we need so much more
'Cause we have so much love
But we need so much more

If we go on like this
I'm telling you we won't make it another year
But if we go all the way
I'm telling you we'll finally see all these roads coming clear

'Cause we have so much love
But we need so much more
'Cause we have so much love
But we need so much more

We have a fascination with the darkness
Although we're standing in light
We have the strongest sense of kindness
But still we can't treat our own selves right

We have so much love
But we need so much more
We have so much love
But we need so much more

We go further
We go further
We go further
We go further

Yep, we do. I don't know if we'll be going further together, but I do know this: We will both go further in our lives having loved each other so wholeheartedly...

All the World (I Tell Myself)

This afternoon I met a friend at a coffee shop at her request. Things have been up and down with her boyfriend for a while, but the story she had for me was so much worse than anything resembling a typical up or down. Basically, her boyfriend was still sleeping with and texting his "ex" the entire time they were together. Which was three years! She was with a man living a lie for three years. Earth-shattering.

As I said to her, these are the times in life when we understand the Buddhist teaching that the only certainty is death. Other human beings are just not something about which we can ever truly be certain, and there's probably no harder realization to come to in this crazy world. Of course, you can learn, as I know my friend will and I hope I am, to stack the deck in your favor next time rather than trying to play a hand that something inside you knows isn't a winner, but there are still no guarantees.

This song was from the episode of Grey's Anatomy that I watched tonight, and it seems to be about the search for meaning that can sometimes be so obvious and other times so obscured:

Say that I'm changed, say I'm different
Maybe I'll finally understand
Say I'll let go, say it's obvious
Oh, I tell myself over, over and over again

I'm ready, I'm ready
I'm ready to believe

So tell me I'm strong, tell me I'm weak
Tell me I'll never, ever bend
Then tell me I'm fire, tell me I'm cold
Cold oh, I tell myself over, over and over again

I'm ready, I'm ready
I'm ready to believe

And all the world can watch the choices you make
All the world can watch each tiny mistake
Let the world watch to let the world wait for you

So tell me I'm wrong, or tell me I'm cruel
Tell me I'd fight, yeah tell me I fought for the wrong things

But I'm ready, I'm ready
I'm ready to believe
I'm ready, I'm ready
I'm ready to believe