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| With my valentine on his visit in January |
But I didn't, so I'm focusing on what I can do, which includes:
1) Teaching my children about love so that they will grow up understanding what it is;
2) Fully embracing my love for the New Englander and embarking on a life together;
3) And maybe, hopefully, someday writing a book (or several) that could help others understand it and rediscover it, as I have.
My friend posted this poem the other day, and it reminded me of how I used to feel about love -- even in the earlier iteration with the New Englander:
you are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn't you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can't make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.
- Warsan Shire
Such a beautiful poem. I remember feeling like I was too much. Like no one was going to be able to handle all of me, or want to try. When the New Englander left, that story was reinforced. I was too much.
Enter lots of grief, therapy, meditation and hard work, all of which led to this discovery:
In order for someone else to want all of me, and love all of me, I have to want all of me. I have to love all of me. And that included going back for the parts of me that were discarded out of shame, which given my past, was no small part of me.
Integrating all these parts of myself, I finally found a space in which I knew I'd be ok by myself and I knew I'd find someone to love all of me at some point. A place where I felt that raising my kids is my priority now and I could let go of some of the desperation around needing a lover. A place where I understood that lovers are wonderful, especially when they are capable of body, mind, heart, soul connections and physically fit, like the New Englander, but they aren't necessary for being whole.
And once I found that spot, really not long after, the New Englander came back and said: "Yes, you, I want you, I want all of you, always." Which is so delightful, so delicious, so fabulous. It doesn't feel like the word love can even encompass what I feel about being so seen and so cherished, but it's a start.
Thanks, Ben Hartley, for this song that expresses my journey with the New Englander so beautifully:
Such a beautiful poem. I remember feeling like I was too much. Like no one was going to be able to handle all of me, or want to try. When the New Englander left, that story was reinforced. I was too much.
Enter lots of grief, therapy, meditation and hard work, all of which led to this discovery:
In order for someone else to want all of me, and love all of me, I have to want all of me. I have to love all of me. And that included going back for the parts of me that were discarded out of shame, which given my past, was no small part of me.
Integrating all these parts of myself, I finally found a space in which I knew I'd be ok by myself and I knew I'd find someone to love all of me at some point. A place where I felt that raising my kids is my priority now and I could let go of some of the desperation around needing a lover. A place where I understood that lovers are wonderful, especially when they are capable of body, mind, heart, soul connections and physically fit, like the New Englander, but they aren't necessary for being whole.
And once I found that spot, really not long after, the New Englander came back and said: "Yes, you, I want you, I want all of you, always." Which is so delightful, so delicious, so fabulous. It doesn't feel like the word love can even encompass what I feel about being so seen and so cherished, but it's a start.
Thanks, Ben Hartley, for this song that expresses my journey with the New Englander so beautifully:
You told me you thought that I’d think you’re strange
And there are things about you that you want to change
But these are the all the little pieces of you that I love
All the little pieces of you that I love
All the little pieces of you that I love
All the little pieces of you
Since the first time that I danced with you through the night
You’ve been my lover, my cornerstone, you’re the best friend that I’ve ever known
This wind keeps me sailing on
My love you baby now
My lover my cornerstone, you’re the best friend that I’ve ever known
This wind keeps me sailing on
My love you baby now ooh
I love you now ooh
Oh where have you been where have you been hiding until now
You’re beside me right by me you’re standing
Oh where have you been where have you been hiding until now
You’re beside me right by me you’re standing
Oh where have you been where have you been hiding until now
You’re beside me right by me you’re standing
Oh where have you been where have you been hiding until now
You’re beside me right by me you’re standing
These are all the pieces of you that I love
All the little pieces of you that I love
These are all the pieces of you that I love
Baby now all the little pieces of you that I love
...so, so much!
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