Scatterheart

Yesterday I got up early (5 am) to practice Ashtanga with the crowd at Main St. yoga -- which is across town from me and really early in the morning -- but also worth it because it always ends up being a great practice. The hard part is that I never seem to be able to get to bed early in the summer, so I always end up needing a nap later in the day.

When I went to lie down on the couch in the afternoon, I felt all this energy surging in and around my heart. I always like it when I feel energy moving inside me because it means I'm in the flow. But having it in heart chakra is relatively new, and feels that much more exciting because it seems to be announcing love or the space for love or the openness to love. And I feel open to it, which is exciting and a far cry from where I was just a few months ago.

I like Bjork's take in this song on letting life and love unfold:

Black night is falling
The sun is gone to bed
The innocent are dreaming
As you should, sleepy-head
Sleepy-head, sleepy-head:

All the love above
I send into you
Comfort and protection
I'll watch over you

But don't ask me
What's gonna happen next
I know the future
I'd love to lead you the way
Just to make it easier on you

You are gonna have to find out for yourself

My

Dearest

Scatterheart

There is comfort
Right in the eye
Of the hurricane
Just to make it easier on you

You are gonna have to find out for yourself

All the hurt in the world
You know
There's nothing I'd love to do more
Than spare you from that burden
It's gonna be hard

If I only could
Shelter you
From that pain
Just to make it easier on you

You are gonna have to find out for yourself

I think you're right Bjork, and I think I'm on that road. It used to feel like the pieces of my heart were scattered about, but it feels put back together and vibrant now.

I'm excited to see what shows up!

Who Is It

True confessions time: when I say "my ipod" I mean the fully loaded ipod that a dear friend gave me shortly after I split up from my husband. My life was seriously devoid of good music at that time, and she'd just inherited a newer one from her (then) boyfriend. It was never clear whether it was a loan or a gift -- although, whether I get to keep it or not, it has most definitely been a gift. It has made possible moments like this one, where I'm not quite ready to get out of bed, and I have the luxury of reaching over, turning on said ipod, and having all kinds of little surprises come out.

Like this one from Bjork, a woman who possesses not only a beautiful, distinctive voice, but unparalleled visual artistry to boot. Looking at the lyrics of this unknown-to-me-until-this-morning song, it seems she is talking about Jesus or a God of some sort:

His embrace, a fortress

It fuels me

And places

A skeleton of trust

Right beneath us

Bone by bone

Stone by stone

But when I hear this part:

If you ask yourself patiently and carefully:

Who is it?

Who is it that never lets you down?

Who is it that gave you back your crown?

Another layer of meaning emerges for me. I was chatting yesterday with a friend about choices we've made about boyfriends in the past and we talked about this propensity to stick it out with someone even when it is so clear that they don't make you happy. Why do we do it? Could be that mammalian desire to be next to someone, could be that perpetual promise of unrealized potential, could be a failure to be honest with ourselves or to hear others when they attempt to be honest with us... And it's probably a combination of all of those things.

In any case, I'm doing it differently this time around. And part of that means an honest assessment of whether a relationship makes me feel like the best version of myself, or leaves me feeling frustrated, as I have in the past, in the wake of broken promises and emotional distance.

I get it, she is talking about God -- but when it feels right, there's something very God-like about love, even, or maybe especially, as considered in human form:

He demands a closeness

We all have earned a lightness

Carry my joy on the left

Carry my pain on the right

Closeness. Lightness. Sharing of joy and pain. These are the new definition of love for me...