Better Love

Whew, last night was a tough night. I went to bed nice and early in anticipation of an early morning practice -- My alarm was set for 4:30 and I was asleep by 9:30 pm -- but I woke up at 1:30 am (!), and I knew when I woke up that I wouldn't be getting back to sleep. I was triggered. Worked up. Unsettled.

I wasn't sure exactly why, but some of the thoughts churning through my head were about teaching the night before, where I'd attempted to hold a discussion on an incredible book that grapples with some tough topics: Between the World and Me. Did I give everyone an opportunity to be heard? Did I push my views on the students or allow space for them to form their own views?

But even after only four hours of sleep, I had a really great practice. Like I felt freedom in my body that I'd never felt before. My ribcage felt like less of a cage.

I talked to my boyfriend about it and he said that feeling that hard stuff may be difficult but it is also productive, and I reckon he's right.

I heard this song for the first time on my way back from practice this morning, and I knew who the artist was as he sang the very first note:

I once kneeled in shaking thrill
I chase the memory of it still, of every chill
Chided by that silence of a hush sublime
Blind to the purpose of the brute divine
But you were mine
Staring in the blackness at some distant star
The thrill of knowing how alone we are, unknown we are
To the wild and to the both of us
I confessed the longing I was dreaming of

Some better love, but there's no better love
Beckons above me and there's no better love
That ever has loved me, there's no better love
Darling, feel better love
Feel better love

And I've never loved a darker blue
Than the darkness I have known in you, own from you
You, whose heart would sing of anarchy
You would laugh at meanings, guarantees, so beautifully
When our truth is burned from history
By those who figured justice in fond memory, witness me
Like fire weeping from a cedar tree
Know that my love would burn with me
We'll live eternally

Cause there's no better love
That beckons above me, there's no better love
That ever has loved me, there's no better love
So darling, feel better love
Cause there's no better love
That's laid beside me, there's no better love
That justifies me, there's no better love
So darling, darling, feel better love
Feel better love

Feel better love
Feel better love
Feel better love

Cause there's no better love
That beckons above me, there's no better love
That ever has loved me, there's no better love
So darling, feel better love
Cause there's no better love
That's laid beside me, there's no better love
That justifies me, there's no better love
So darling, darling, feel better love
Feel better love

And I do feel like I am experiencing a better love than ever before. For one thing, I'm showing up differently. But he's different too, and I'm feeling that better love. Hopefully soon, I'll also be feeling better -- not just in my ribcage -- but done with this dang cold or whatever virus it is...

Goodbye My Lover

I recognize that I'm walking a tricky line here -- maintaining a forward orientation while also allowing myself to feel my feelings. I recently identified what I now call my voiceover, which is where I tell myself something that I want to be true because it's easier than being with what is true. Turns out I've used the voiceover in this way for, well, that's just say, years. For many of those years, I needed it to survive, but now it's time to let it go.

Part of the reason for the perceived need for the voiceover was another assumption I was operating under, which goes something like this: Feeling x means I'm y. In the example I'm discussing in this post, that might be feeling sad about losing a love means I'm not over him.

Here's the new twist I'm adding to the equation: maybe it does and maybe it doesn't. Maybe it just means that today, or in the moment when I heard this song or had that memory, I felt sad. It doesn't have to mean anything else.

It might seem like a small difference, but I think it will be huge for me to let myself feel what I am feeling without getting all caught up in the storyline, without taking on the role of victim, without feeling sorry for myself or catastrophizing about the past or the future. Feeling sad can be just that: a feeling of sadness. Nothing more, nothing less. Not bad or good. Just sadness.

I think this song made me sad because it speaks the plain, honest truth about something really difficult: losing a love. Something that I've been through in a bigger way in the past six months than in the previous 42 years, but something that just about everybody feels at some point in their life (we just don't all write beautiful songs about it like this one):

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

(Those last two lines are probably the saddest for me.)

I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

Maybe you are hollow, James, I don't know. As for me, sometimes I feel hollow, but I know for certain that I'm not. I'm just a girl feeling sad when I hear these words:

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me...