The Living Proof

I spent the majority of my weekend at an Ashtanga yoga workshop in Madison. The teacher drove up from Waukesha, where he (and his wife) offer daily mysore practice (or almost daily). I so wish Madison had an authorized teacher -- what a difference it makes to practice with a teacher who really knows what he (or she) is doing!

The workshop gave me a lot to think about, including the possibility of becoming a vegetarian at some point. Definitely a huge leap for me and one that's going to need to percolate for a while before I (if I) make that leap. But the teacher feels very strongly that not eating meat is part of being an Ashtanga yoga practitioner, so I'm going to at least give it some real thought.

We also talked a lot about how in the first few years of practice the body presents all sorts of obstacles and difficulties, including knee and back pain. Knees are the big one for me. I get discouraged sometimes when it seems like my body refuses to change, but the truth is, it has changed monumentally in the last three years, as have I.

But the feeling that there is still a long ways to go is never a good one, and when I get overwhelmed, I just get really tired.

So I came home, took a nap, and then heard this song, which motivated me to keep on keeping on:

It's gonna be a long long journey
It's gonna be an uphill climb
It's gonna be tough fight
It's gonna be some lonely nights
But I am ready to carry on
I am so glad the worst is over ('cause almost took me out)
I can start living now
I feel like I can do anything
And finally I am not afraid to breathe

Anything you say to me
And everything you do
You can't deny the truth
'Cause I am the living proof
So many don't survive
They just don't make it through
But look at me
I am the living proof
Oh yes I am

Thinking about life's been painful
Yes it was
Took a lot to learn how to smile
So now I am gonna talk to my people,
About the storm, about the storm
Oh so glad the worst is over
I can start flying now
My best days are right in front of me
Yeah and I am almost there
'Cause now I am free

I know where I am going
Hey 'cause I know where I've been
I am gonna feel strong that's showing
I am gonna keep going
That's the way that I will

Nothing about my life has been easy
But nothing's gonna keep me down
'Cause I know a lot more today
Than I knew yesterday
So I am ready to carry on

Thanks for the inspiration, Mary J.

And thanks especially for that reminder that all I need to know I'm moving forward is to see that I know more today than yesterday, and I have no doubt about that -- be it in my yoga practice, as a parent, or in matters of the heart...

Real Love

Yesterday during rake-a-thon 2013, I was listening to Slacker to help keep me going. I was listening to the "55 best songs of the 90s" -- which included some really great tunes that brought back a lot of memories.

I love Mary J., but this song, number 55, wasn't one that I was particularly excited to hear:

We are lovers through and through and though
We made it through the storm
I really want you to realize
I really want to put you on

I've been searchin' for someone
To satisfy my every need
Won't you be my inspiration
Be the real love that I need

Real love, I'm searchin' for a real love
Someone to set my heart free
Real love, I'm searchin' for a real love

Not when I heard it the first time:

Ooh, when I met you I just knew
That you would take my heart and run
Until you told me how you felt for me
You said I'm not the one

So I slowly came to see
All of the things that you were made of
And now I hope my dreams and inspirations
Lead me to want some real love

Real love, I'm searchin' for a real love
Someone to set my heart free
Real love, I'm searchin' for a real love
I got to have a real love

Or the second time:

Love so true and oh baby, I thought that your love was true
I thought you were the answer to the questions in my mind
But it seems that I was wrong
If I stay strong maybe I'll find my real love

So I try my best and pray to God
He'll send me someone real
To caress me and to guide me
Towards a love my heart can feel

Now, I know I can be faithful
I can be your all in all
I'll give you good lovin' through
The summer time, winter, spring and fall

Real love, I'm searchin' for a real love
Someone to set my heart free
Real love, I'm searchin' for a real love

And definitely not the third time - - for some reason the top 55 just kept starting over -- and it started feeling like Mary J. had a message for me, whether I wanted it or not:

You see I'm searching for a real love and I don't know where to go
(Real love, I'm searchin' for a real love)
Been around the world and high and low and still I'll never know
(Someone to set my heart free)
How it feels to have a real love 'cause it seems it's not around
(Real love, I'm searchin' for a real love)
Gotta end it in this way because it seems he can't be found

Real love, I'm searchin' for a real love
Someone to set my heart free
Real love, I'm searchin' for a real love

Yes I am...

Just Fine

I love me some Mary J., and when I stumbled on this song while searching for something else on youtube, it was, not surprisingly, apropos of something I've been chewing on: the word fine. Sometimes when it's uttered, it really means something good -- not just tacit approval, but real affirmation. As in: "Damn, you look fine!" I like to think that's the fine that Mary J. is talking about when she says "Just Fine." But what if, for Mary J. or any of the rest of us, a lot of the time when we say "that's fine" or "I'm fine" or even, Mary J. style:

Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh

Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh

Just fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh

You see I wouldn’t change my life, my life’s just fine

What if what we're saying is we're ok with it, but it could be better? What if she wouldn't change her life because it's safe and comfortable, and yes, fine, but maybe it could be superfine if she did change it?

I think she's wrestling, in this song, with being ok by herself -- just fine alone -- even liberated -- and embracing love:

Let it go…

Can’t let this thing called love get away from you

Feel free right now, going do what you want to do

Can’t let nobody take it away, from you, from me, from we

I get that. I'm kind of in the same boat. I'm just fine by myself in many ways. But lucky for me, I've had a chance to experience, during a couple of visits with my man, just how superfine I'm capable of feeling when I'm in love's embrace. And having experienced that, I don't think I'll ever settle for just fine again.