Separate Lives

This song started playing on the inner jukebox yesterday while I was working in the kitchen:

You called me from the room in your hotel
All full of romance for someone that you met
And telling me how sorry you were, leaving so soon
And that you miss me sometimes when you're alone in your room
Do I feel lonely too?

Specifically, the lyrics that came to me, which I then sang loudly and cried, were these:

You have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
We can't go on just holding on to time
Now that we're living separate lives

It feels a little ironic that although I lived a life separate from the love of my life for 2 1/2-3 1/2 years -- depending on how you count it -- I never used this song during that time to mark a single one of those days. Especially since I used to belt this number out about romantic relationships on a pretty routine basis in high school and college.

When it came to me yesterday, though, it was all about my parents:

Well I held on to let you go
And if you lost your love for me, well you never let it show
There was no way to compromise
So now we're living (living)
Separate lives

Ooh, it's so typical, love leads to isolation
So you build that wall (build that wall)
Yes, you build that wall (build that wall)
And you make it stronger

Well you have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
Some day I might (I might) find myself looking in your eyes
But for now, we'll go on living separate lives
Yes for now, we'll go on living separate lives
Separate lives

Yes for now, we will go on living separate lives, because it feels true in my heart that unless/until they  are willing to be real about what transpired and REALLY know how I feel, they have no right to ask...

A Groovy Kind of Love

I woke up early this morning, and when I did, this song was playing in my head:

When I'm feeling blue, all I have to do
Is take a look at you, then I'm not so blue
When you're close to me, I can feel your heart beat
I can hear you breathing near my ear
Wouldn't you agree, baby you and me got a groovy kind of love

I found this somewhat inexplicable, because I haven't heard this song in years. But there it was. Well, I said to myself in my semi-wakeful state, I would have to agree that in many respects, my favorite New Englander and I have a groovy kind of love:

Anytime you want to you can turn me onto
Anything you want to, anytime at all
When I kiss your lips, ooh I start to shiver
Can't control the quivering inside
Wouldn't you agree, baby you and me got a groovy kind of love, oh

Then I went back to sleep, and when I woke the next time it was with the memory of a very vivid, very sexual dream. Not super unusual, but there was something unusual about the dream -- the man in the dream wasn't anyone I've ever met. This struck me as strange, maybe partially because I remember the vivid dreams I used to have when I was married about having sex with other men. Night after night, they'd come back, as if to give me a message. This one could've been a fluke, since I only had it once, but as I laid there with an odd feeling of having sort of semi cheated on someone I'm on the one hand not in a committed relationship with and on the other hand can see myself sharing my life with, it did feel like some sort of message from my subconscious.

I think the message was something like this: Having a groovy kind of love may or may not be enough on which to build a life with someone, and it's important to keep that distinction somewhere in the back of my mind so that I don't end up in a committed relationship that doesn't have all the elements I need to be my best self and live my best life. I know that my groovy lover wouldn't want that for me nor I for him, but I also know that I can only work on making myself into the best possible partner I can be. I can't do his work for him. And the hard part of that is it leaves me without control, which, I reckon, is all part of the lesson.

Lest on the eve of St. Valentine I seem less than fully appreciative of having found such a groovy kind of love, I'm not. I feel tremendously lucky and I don't take it for granted for one single minute that:

When I'm feeling blue, all I have to do
Is take a look at you, then I'm not so blue
When I'm in your arms, nothing seems to matter
My whole world could shatter, I don't care
Wouldn't you agree, baby you and me got a groovy kind of love
We got a groovy kind of love
We got a groovy kind of love, oh
We got a groovy kind of love

Against All Odds (Take a Look at Me Now)

Not surprisingly, I'm both really angry, and really sad about my relationship ending. I tend to really feel my emotions deeply, which has its upsides, and its downsides.

Lucky for me, my internal jukebox landed on a perfect song to express both of those feelings this morning (thanks Phil!):

How can I just let you walk away,
just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh
You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me,
when all I can do is watch you leave
Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain,
and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now,
'cos there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now,
'cos there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me
is against all odds and that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
so many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

Alas, I think I've said all the things I needed to say to him, and it wasn't enough.

And as for waiting for him to come back to me, I'm trying to tell myself not to do that because I don't really know that it would be the best outcome for all of us.

But I reckon that there's a part of me that will never listen to logic on that score...