You're My Best Friend

That's right, heard ANOTHER song today that captures the amazement I feel getting to live and love with my man:

Ooh you make me live
Whatever this world can give to me
It's you you're all I see
Ooh you make me live now honey
Ooh you make me live

Ooh you're the best friend that I ever had
I've been with you such a long time
You're my sunshine and I want you to know
That my feelings are true
I really love you
Oh you're my best friend

Ooh you make me live

Ooh I've been wandering round
But I still come back to you
In rain or shine
You've stood by me girl
I'm happy at home
You're my best friend

Ooh you make me live
Whenever this world is cruel to me
I got you to help me forgive
Ooh you make me live now honey
Ooh you make me live

You're the first one
When things turn out bad
You know I'll never be lonely
You're my only one
And I love the things
I really love the things that you do
Ooh you're my best friend

Ooh you make me live

I'm happy at home
You're my best friend
Oh you're my best friend
Ooh you make me live
You're my best friend

So much happier at home than I dreamt possible...

Under Pressure

Everything feels a little subdued today, especially for the 40 and 50 something folks out there, with the loss of one of the most original artists of all time.

Bowie had so many looks and so many songs over the years, but it was this one that came to me today. Maybe because I am indeed feeling under pressure, what with my career path uncertain:

Pressure pushing down on me
Pressing down on you, no man ask for
Under pressure that burns a building down
Splits a family in two
Puts people on streets

It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming, "Let me out!"
Tomorrow gets me higher
Pressure on people - people on streets

Chippin' around, kick my brains 'round the floor
These are the days - it never rains but it pours
People on streets - people on streets

It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming, "Let me out!"
Tomorrow gets me higher, higher, higher...
Pressure on people - people on streets

Turned away from it all like a blind man
Sat on a fence but it don't work
Keep coming up with love but it's so slashed and torn
Why, why, why?

Love

Insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking
Can't we give ourselves one more chance?
Why can't we give love that one more chance?
Why can't we give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love?..

'Cause love's such an old-fashioned word
And love dares you to care for
The people on the edge of the night
And love dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is our last dance
This is ourselves
Under pressure
Under pressure
Pressure

Lucky for me, I got to visit my therapist last week, and she helped me name what I was feeling and see the possibilities before me.

Bowie did exactly that for so many people -- may he rest in peace while the rest of us work to make something of the legacy he left behind...

The Show Must Go On

Yesterday evening, as my kids and I sat with our extended family around a belated Thanksgiving feast, I was keenly aware of another loss, the loss of a friend that I have dealt with on my own terms, and blogged about numerous times. But I've had a harder time being willing to be confronted with that loss in terms of what it is like for my cousin and his kids to lose their wife and mom, respectively. As we went around the table saying what we were thankful for, I could feel his pain as other family members talked about being happy everyone was together, that their families are healthy and happy, etc. I could almost feel him thinking that not everyone was together, that his family wasn't healthy or happy, and it just about broke my heart.

This Queen song seems appropriate to mark this day, because it isn't as if other people shouldn't be grateful that their families are healthy and happy because someone has died. The show must go on indeed, and I know that she would want it to, and without the heavy heart just as soon as we can muster up the strength to feel the pain and then release it:

Empty spaces - what are we living for
Abandoned places - I guess we know the score
On and on, does anybody know what we are looking for...
Another hero, another mindless crime
Behind the curtain, in the pantomime
Hold the line, does anybody want to take it anymore
The show must go on,
The show must go on
Inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on.
Whatever happens, I'll leave it all to chance
Another heartache, another failed romance
On and on, does anybody know what we are living for?
I guess I'm learning, I must be warmer now
I'll soon be turning, round the corner now
Outside the dawn is breaking
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free
The show must go on
The show must go on
Inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on
My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies
Fairytales of yesterday will grow but never die
I can fly - my friends
The show must go on
The show must go on
I'll face it with a grin
I'm never giving in
On - with the show -
I'll top the bill, I'll overkill
I have to find the will to carry on
On with the -
On with the show -
The show must go on...

Somebody to Love

I don't know if I've ever liked Queen as much as I do in this video -- check out that row of beers on the piano! So classic. But it was Glee that brought this song to my attention tonight:

Can anybody find me somebody to love?
Each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
Take a look in the mirror and cry
Lord what you're doing to me
I have spent all my years in believing you
But I just can't get no relief,
Lord!
Somebody, somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?

I sure hope so, and this time, how about a happy ending, please?

These last few days have not been easy. I decided to go on a detox diet because I've been feeling a little puffy after spending the summer, or at least part of the summer, drowning my sorrows. Giving up booze hasn't been hard -- even had a reunion with some college guy friends sans beer on Friday night -- but giving up caffeine is a bitch. I've had a headache for days and around 3pm, with 3 hours left in my work day (I stayed late since I was subbing a yoga class at 6:15pm), I gave in and had a cup of caffeinated tea:

I work hard every day of my life
I work till I ache my bones
At the end I take home my hard earned pay all on my own -
I get down on my knees
And I start to pray
Till the tears run down from my eyes
Lord - somebody - somebody
Can anybody find me - somebody to love?

(He works hard)

Like Freddie's, my work has been pretty frustrating lately -- my policy expertise seems to matter very little in the face of politics:

Everyday - I try and I try and I try -
But everybody wants to put me down
They say I'm goin' crazy
They say I got a lot of water in my brain
Got no common sense
I got nobody left to believe
Yeah - yeah yeah yeah

Good thing that job's not my only reason for being. One of my regular Tuesday noon yoga students brought a friend to the class I was subbing tonight and afterward he introduced himself and then said: "I need to get you into my pms -- that was awesome!" Which was too cute. And last week one of my regular students told me that while he was mountain biking he was struggling through a climb and he heard my voice reminding him to exhale fully -- love that the message sometimes follows them outside of class!

Anyway, I'm sleepy. Off to bed for me, and tonight I'm joining Queen in this prayer:

Find me somebody to love
Can anybody find me somebody to love?

Bohemian Rhapsody

I realize this probably isn't a conventional choice for mother's day, but it pretty well summarizes both where I've been on this mother's day.

The day began, too early, in a semi-comfortable hotel room bed in Wisconsin Dells, where I'd taken my daughter and two of her friends to celebrate her birthday. Upon arrival at the hotel/waterpark, I saw a sign making reference to it being a vacation -- but it was decidedly not a vacation for me:

Is this the real life?

Is this just fantasy?

Caught in a landslide, (or a waterslide)

No escape from reality

Definitely not an easy place for me to stay grounded. And then, upon leaving the waterpark, the plan was for me to drop my daughter off and pick up my son for a little mother's day bonding. Except, on arrival, I found a son who hadn't made me anything for mother's day (as far as I'm concerned it's the father's job to remind the child, even if they aren't still together), and who said, when I asked if he wanted to go for a hike with me, that he'd rather just stay there. With his Dad and his Dad's new girlfriend. On mother's day.

Ouch:

Mama, ooh, Didn't mean to make you cry...

And I'm sure he didn't, but all that pain makes me want to run away and cease from being in a world of feeling:

If I'm not back again this time tomorrow,

Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters

Too late, my time has come,

Sends shivers down my spine, body's aching all the time...

But instead of checking out, I went home and did some good old fashioned releasing of anger and sadness of the variety that ex-husbands are so good at bringing to bear:

So you think you can love me and leave me to die

Oh, baby, can't do this to me, baby...

And then I did a series of things that also helped. I napped. I commiserated with a friend who is going through a divorce. I taught a yoga class. I talked with a friend afterward. I ate some pasta. I talked to the most amazing man ever -- yep, I get to talk to him almost every day -- he's my boyfriend. I talked to an old friend. And now, I'm going to crawl into bed.

I Want It All

Today was the kind of day that was only bearable because it ended with exercise, beer and burgers with a friend, and the next best thing to being with my man -- a late night phone call.

On my bike ride home tonight, I started hearing:

I want it all, I want it all, I want it all, and I want it now.

It isn't really hard to figure out why. My friend and I were basically talking about having it all, and how we both mostly feel like we're getting it, except maybe not now since we both have relationships with people who don't currently live in Madison. And in the places where we don't necessarily feel like we're quite firing on all cylinders, we help each other out -- I try to give him some of the wisdom I've acquired and he reassures me with his youthful idealism (peppered with some political savvy that also comes in handy) that what I'm doing really matters and that I can take it.

Yep, just like the boys from Queen do in this verse, we talked about sex, ambition, personal power, integrity, leadership, initiative, truth, and both learning about and getting what you want:

I'm a man with a one track mind,

So much to do in one life time (people do you hear me)

Not a man for compromise and where's and why's and living lies

So I'm living it all, yes I'm living it all,

And I'm giving it all, and I'm giving it all,

It ain't much I'm asking, if you want the truth,

Here's to the future, hear the cry of youth,

I want it all, I want it all, I want it all, and I want it now,

I want it all, I want it all, I want it all, and I want it now.