Winter

Picnic point - much different from last weekend!

Winter came back today. I still made it out to Picnic point, this time with my kids in tow. It was beautiful in a much different way than last weekend.

I also managed to get to hot yoga again today, and I loved the teacher's selection to sing to us in savasana - this song is one of my faves:

Snow can wait
I forgot my mittens
Wipe my nose
Get my new boots on
I get a little warm in my heart
When I think of winter
I put my hand in my father's glove
I run off
Where the drifts get deeper
Sleeping beauty trips me with a frown
I hear a voice
"Your must learn to stand up for yourself
Cause I can't always be around"
He says
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear

Boys get discovered as winter melts
Flowers competing for the sun
Years go by and I'm here still waiting Withering where some snowman was
Mirror mirror where's the crystal palace
But I only can see myself
Skating around the truth who I am
But I know dad the ice is getting thin

When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear

Hair is grey
And the fires are burning
So many dreams
On the shelf
You say I wanted you to be proud of me
I always wanted that myself

He says
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses have gone ahead
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change
My dear

That they do. But sometimes, they come back around again, better than ever...

Crucify

I had another one of those nights last night where I'm awakened in the wee hours. It's strange -- it's not like I'm churning something over and over again in my mind, or that I'm in any kind of physical pain -- I'm just awake.

I decided to try to get myself to continue to do the writing I've been trying to do for years, was somewhat successful, and before I knew it, it was time to get up to prepare for my trip to Milwaukee today.

In the car on the way over, I popped in an old CD, one with a song that helped me belt out some of the emotions I was trying to write about when I wanted to be sleeping:

Every finger in the room
is pointing at me
I wanna spit in their faces
Then I get afraid of what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my stomach
I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell our now
I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Just what God needs
One more victim

Why do we
Crucify ourselves
Every day
I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day
And my heart is sick of being in chains

Got a kick for a dog
Beggin' for Love
I gotta have my suffering
So that I can have my cross
I know a cat named Easter
He says will you ever learn
You're just an empty cage girl
If you kill the bird
I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Got enough guilt to start
my own religion
Please be
Save me
I cry

Why do we
Crucify ourselves
Every day
I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day
And my heart is sick of being in chains

Mine too, Tori, mine too.

Thank you for this song, my fellow redhead. It spoke to me before I understood why, and it sure speaks to me now...

Silent All These Years

It's funny how we humans can be confident in some arenas and totally lack confidence in others, or really articulate on some topics or with some people and much less so with others. Often the uncertainty, or fear, comes up either with something or someone new, or with something or someone that comes attached to the weight of something heavy from our past. To get to a place of certainty and confidence, we have to feel supported -- without that measure of safety -- growth is difficult if not impossible.

Because of the weight attached to some events in my past and my inability to feel and express myself freely when I was a little girl, it has always been harder for me to communicate in the context of a romantic relationship. And until recently, the combination of lacking certainty about myself and the lack of support being offered in the romantic relationships I was choosing added up to little growth in that department. This morning I felt the possibility of that shifting.

On my bike ride to yoga class, I heard these words sung by this powerful little woman:

Hey but I don't care

Cause sometimes

I said sometimes

I hear my voice, I hear my voice, I hear my voice

And it's been here

Silent All These Years

And, having arrived at class, as the teacher talked about feeling the earth's support beneath us and having that support allow us to let go, I felt grateful that I am no longer silent, and that I can feel the support of the earth and so many of its delightful inhabitants.