Searchin' My Soul

I spent the majority of my drive to Milwaukee this morning on a conference call, but I made sure to hang up a few minutes from my destination so I could have some me time. I pressed scan on the radio, looking for a good singalong number, and soon I was belting out I Want to Know What Love Is with my friends from Foreigner.

But I've already used that song to mark a day on this blog, a day where I was recognizing how much I'd learned about love from my last boyfriend. And I learned a lot about it from that relationship, there's no question I did, but as I was singing the words this morning, I realized there is a whole lot more I want to know about love.

I've always been a little jealous of the kind of couples where they feel a genuine love for one another, have shared values and a shared vision of what living a good life looks like, and are passionate and committed to living that life together. I don't know about that kind of love, but I'd like to learn, and I believe that's what's coming for me next.

So I decided to make Foreigner's classic my new theme song, Ally McBeal style. For those of you who aren't or weren't fans, she'd choose a song to really shout to the world what she was all about. Although her theme song on the show changed, this was always the show's theme, so I'm using this one to mark this day.

As luck would have it, the lyrics just happen to be apropos:

I've been down this road walkin' the line
That's painted by pride
And I have made mistakes in my life
That I just can't hide

Oh I believe I am ready for what love has to bring
Got myself together, now I'm ready to sing

I've been searchin' my soul tonight
I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light
To find my way back home

One by one, the chains around me unwind
Every day now I feel that I can leave those years behind

Oh I've been thinking of you for a long time
There's a side of my life where I've been blind and so...

I've been searchin' my soul tonight
I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light
Everything gonna be alright
I've been searchin' my soul tonight
Don't wanna be alone in life
Now I know I can shine a light
To find my way back home
Baby I been holding back now my whole life
I've decided to move on now
Gonna leave all my worries behind

Oh I believe I am ready for what love has to give
Got myself together now I'm ready to live...

Me too, Ally, me too!

Baby Don't You Break My Heart Slow

This song came back to me in a dream-like state, which is fitting, because I recall it from my days of watching Calista Flockhart and her imaginary dancing baby on Ally McBeal.

Taken as a whole, I think the song is a really lovely little discourse on long-term love relationships that eventually go awry. Hearing it, I can access both the positive feelings about my own 13-year relationship:

I like the way you wanted me

Every night for so long baby

I like the way you needed me

Every time things got rocky

And the feelings related to what I wish we'd done differently:

But I'd rather you be mean than love and lie

I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye

I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know

But baby don't you break my heart slow

Because, although I'd put it a little differently than Vonda does, I think the meanest thing we can do to ourselves and to the other person in a love relationship is lie - to ourselves or to the other person -- even though it is so often the path of least resistance that we humans want so badly to be walking.

I don't really believe my now ex-husband and I could have done anything differently, because I think we all do the best we can all of the time with what we've got to work with, but hopefully I've learned some significant lessons that I can carry forward into the next relationship. And I think for me, the biggest lesson is one in being willing to see what's happening in the present, feel my feelings (even the ones I don't like), and then speak from my heart about them without trying to steer either of us toward a specific outcome. Even if that means having to say goodbye...