Build Me Up Buttercup

I am struggling mightily right now with the desire to eat what I want to eat and drink what I want to drink rather than continuing on with the Whole 30 program to which I am committed. (I'm on Day 8 of 30.)

I have a pretty healthy diet anyway, but man, does giving up all sugar, grains and alcohol make one aware of one's crutches and how well they do the job of propping one up on a daily basis. I understand that removing those props will benefit me in the long term. I'm already seeing tremendous benefits in terms of increased mobility in my joints from reducing inflammation, but man, it sucks not to be able to have a piece of peanut butter toast or some ice cream or a glass of wine with dinner. Apparently in another week or two I'll be over the hump and not craving/feeling deprived, but I'm not there yet!

I've also been up late this week working on a paper and as a result, I didn't make it to yoga this morning and felt tired and off all day.

I did finally make it to yoga tonight, though, where the teacher played a version of this song:

Why do you build me up (build me up) Buttercup, baby
Just to let me down (let me down) and mess me around
And then worst of all (worst of all) you never call, baby
When you say you will (say you will) but I love you still
I need you (I need you) more than anyone, darlin'
You know that I have from the start
So build me up (build me up) Buttercup, don't break my heart

"I'll be over at ten", you told me time and again
But you're late, I wait around and then (bah-dah-dah)
I went to the door, I can't take any more
It's not you, you let me down again

(Hey, hey, hey!) Baby, baby, try to find
(Hey, hey, hey!) A little time and I'll make you mine
(Hey, hey, hey!) I'll be home
I'll be beside the phone waiting for you
Ooo-oo-ooo, ooo-oo-ooo

Why do you build me up (build me up) Buttercup, baby
Just to let me down (let me down) and mess me around
And then worst of all (worst of all) you never call, baby
When you say you will (say you will) but I love you still
I need you (I need you) more than anyone, darlin'
You know that I have from the start
So build me up (build me up) Buttercup, don't break my heart

To you I'm a toy, but I could be the boy you adore
If you'd just let me know (bah-dah-dah)
Although you're untrue, I'm attracted to you all the more
Why do I need you so

(Hey, hey, hey!) Baby, baby, try to find
(Hey, hey, hey!) A little time and I'll make you mine
(Hey, hey, hey!) I'll be home
I'll be beside the phone waiting for you
Ooo-oo-ooo, ooo-oo-ooo

I'm feeling too, lately like it's about bloody time for me to meet someone again who will love and appreciate and support me and to whom I can offer the same. I'm trying not to need it, but I sure as hell want it and after an entire year without any physical contact from a man, well, a girl starts to go a little crazy -- especially without her pals victual and libation.

I-I-I need you-oo-oo more than anyone, baby
You know that I have from the start
So build me up (build me up) Buttercup, don't break my heart

To Build a Home

Today I got to do the work that I love - going to Breathe for Change schools to support the teachers and leaders who are implementing our program. (Speaking of, check out this awesome article about our progress!)

At the second meeting, the teacher played this beautiful song which I'd never heard before:

There is a house built out of stone
Wooden floors, walls and window sills
Tables and chairs worn by all of the dust
This is a place where I don't feel alone
This is a place where I feel at home.

And I built a home
for you
for me

Until it disappeared
from me
from you

A friend took this gorgeous photo of the super moon last night!

And now, it's time to leave and turn to dust...

Out in the garden where we planted the seeds
There is a tree as old as me
Branches were sewn by the color of green
Ground had arose and passed its knees

By the cracks of the skin I climbed to the top
I climbed the tree to see the world
When the gusts came around to blow me down
Held on as tightly as you held on me
Held on as tightly as you held on me...

And I built a home
for you
for me

Until it disappeared
from me
from you

And now, it's time to leave and turn to dust...

I love that this song carries a similar message to the one from the Super Moon last night: let the old stuff go!

Particle Man

Last night during a Breathe for Change gathering, we were doing a guided meditation. I became aware of the particles moving in my body (most easily felt in the hands), and this song popped into my head:

Particle man, particle man
Doing the things a particle can
What's he like? It's not important
Particle man

Is he a dot, or is he a speck?
When he's underwater does he get wet?
Or does the water get him instead?
Nobody knows, Particle man

Triangle man, Triangle man
Triangle man hates particle man
They have a fight, Triangle wins
Triangle man

Universe man, Universe man
Size of the entire universe man
Usually kind to smaller man
Universe man

He's got a watch with a minute hand,
Millenium hand and an eon hand
When they meet it's a happy land
Powerful man, universe man

Person man, person man
Hit on the head with a frying pan
Lives his life in a garbage can
Person man

Is he depressed or is he a mess?
Does he feel totally worthless?
Who came up with person man?
Degraded man, person man

Triangle man, triangle man
Triangle man hates person man
They have a fight, triangle wins
Triangle man

What a classic! The leader of the meditation asked us for the two words that popped into our head to describe how we feel. I was torn between Particle Man and Second Chakra (which I think popped into my head because for the first time in eons I was sitting on the couch next to a hot, single dude), so I decided it was ok for me to have two phrases and used them both!

The only sad part is that none of the other people at the gathering had even ever heard this song...

The Last Day of Summer

I think I'm better at being on vacation than I am at being at home. I sleep better on vacation. I feel better -- less stressed about everything that needs to be done. And I'm trying not to be, but I'm feeling a little depressed about this being the last day of summer.

Lucky for us, some of the most famous depressives wrote a song about this just for today:

Nothing I am
Nothing I dream
Nothing is new
Nothing I think or believe in or say
Nothing is true

It used to be so easy
I never even tried
Yeah it used to be so easy...

But the last day of summer
Never felt so cold
The last day of summer
Never felt so old
Never felt so...

All that I have
All that I hold
All that is wrong
All that I feel for or trust in or love
All that is gone

It used to be so easy
I never even tried
Yeah it used to be so easy...

But then I had to come back from vacation and figure out how to be the brave single mom, homeowner, and business owner that I am.

Good thing it is not in fact, cold today. It actually still feels like summer, so that helps.

It's also the first day of something for me -- the whole 30 program -- which I am excited to see if it does, as it says it does, reduce inflammation in my gut and reduce stiffness in my joints. Finding out if those two things are possible feel like they're worth giving up most of the things I eat, including all grains (that's right, all of them, even brown rice and quinoa), sugar, alcohol and dairy -- though on this plan you can have eggs which is a lifesaver, especially since legumes are on the no list.

I always learn something new when I do a cleanse, and I'm sure this one will be no different. I wish I handled transitions better, but they've always been hard for me. Here's hoping the Whole 30 program will make this transition to fall easier or more fruitful in some way...

Have Love Will Travel

Trails that satisfy me!

I think this might be the original road trip song:

Waaah
Have love, whoa Baby will travel
Have love, yea Darlin' will travel
(I said) If you need lovin'
Then hmm, mmm, I'll travel

Well I travel from Maine to Mexico
Just to find a little girl that'll love me so
No matter where, no matter where I'll be
I'm lookin' for a woman that'll satisfy me

The top of Brockway Mountain this am

Though our motives for getting in the car may be different, this was quite a road trip I embarked upon, and it's going to take all I've got to get back into the car and drive away from this gorgeous place.

After packing up the campsite, I decided to come over and hit some of my faves before getting in the car.

It's soooooooooo hard to leave.

Good thing I have The Sonics:

Have love, whoa Baby I will travel

And of course, my babies at home.

And one day, someday, as one of my yoga teachers likes to say, perhaps I'll inspire some dude to travel to get to me:

Well I might take a boat, or I'll take a plane
Might hitchhike, or jump a railroad train
Your kind of lovin' drives a man insane
So look for me a walkin' just any ol' way

Have love, whoa Babe will travel
Have love, yea Baby will travel
If you need lovin'
Then yeah, yeah, I'll travel

If you need lovin'
Then Woah, I'll travel

One More Night

Soaking up the summer sun on the rocky shore

Spent the day riding again today, but decided to forego the trip to the brewery that turned into a big nap yesterday. Instead I decided to shower and head for Lake Superior.

It never disappoints! There's something about this rocky shoreline that is so grounding, and I could use a little of that right about now.

The beautiful view in the other direction

The weather has been extraordinarily beautiful, the riding fantastic, the sleep restorative, but there is no getting away from the fact that I'm alone up here.

Yesterday at my campsite, a man with young kids asked if I was solo and I said yes, to which he replied that his wife had been watching me and didn't think she'd ever do it by herself.

I felt like saying:

"Well dude, if you had asked me if I'd be here alone when my kids were that age, I would have told you that you were crazy, but here I am."

But I didn't, of course.

He said he thought I had it figured out -- both because he envied my alone time and of course men are much more comfortable than women with solo adventures. I get that.

He also said: "You could be doing this" pointing to his kids. I assured him that I have done that, and that my kids would have liked to have come (and I would have liked to have them), but they were older and had activities and school back at home.

There are some pretty great things about being solo -- lots of time to think -- getting to do what you want when you want -- but one of the things I've affirmed on this trip is that for me, I'd rather share this with someone. And since I'm no longer able to share it with the person I used to share it with, I resolved to make more of an effort to meet people for whom this weekend is their idea of a good time. They exist, I know they do, I just don't really know them (with one exception, and she was unable to join me).

Turns out this is the very last night that the East Campground at Fort Wilkins State Park is open, making this rather insipid Maroon 5 tune, which came to me as my neighbors on the campground were discussing having to pack up and leave in the morning:

You and I go hard at each other like we're going to war.
You and I go rough, we keep throwing things and slamming the door.
You and I get so damn dysfunctional, we stopped keeping score.
You and I get sick, yeah, I know that we can't do this no more.

Yeah, but baby there you go again, there you go again, making me love you.
Yeah, I stopped using my head, using my head, let it all go.
Got you stuck on my body, on my body, like a tattoo.
And now I'm feeling stupid, feeling stupid, crawling back to you.

So I cross my heart and I hope to die
That I'll only stay with you one more night
And I know I said it a million times
But I'll only stay with you one more night

And the song, when it came, reminded me as a number of things have on this trip, that all was not sunshine and daisies when I was with the New Englander, even in beautiful places like this.

There was always a part of me that wished he'd share more of himself with me, or think about us as a unit, but he truly functioned like a solo entity that sometimes had an add-on (or three). This was driven home to me in a comment he made on the way home from here the very last time we were up here together.

He was leaving soon (for New England), and we were talking about the fact that we hadn't been to Marquette yet (another town in the U.P. with great mountain biking), and I mentioned a weekend that I could go. I will never forget what he said in response: "Oh no, I wouldn't be going for comfort."

Meaning that he hadn't been thinking I'd be with him at all, if he did go, and that I didn't really enter the picture for him when he thought about going. My heart sank. That was such a pivotal moment for me. It really made me realize he didn't want to share his life with me, or maybe with anyone, I don't know.

But it's good for me to remember that, because I am also remembering so many delicious things about our relationship while I'm up here:

Try to tell you "no" but my body keeps on telling you "yes".
Try to tell you "stop", but your lipstick got me so out of breath.
I'll be waking up in the morning, probably hating myself.
And I'll be waking up, feeling satisfied but guilty as hell.

Yeah, but baby there you go again, there you go again, making me love you.
(Making me love you)
Yeah, I stopped using my head, using my head, let it all go.
(I let it all go)
Got you stuck on my body, on my body, like a tattoo.
(Like a tattoo, yeah)
And now I'm feeling stupid, feeling stupid, crawling back to you.

And I also feel grateful, that since he really had no intention of truly partnering with me, that he did leave. Because god knows it was nearly impossible for me to stay away from him when he was nearby -- my physical body just wouldn't have it:

So I cross my heart and I hope to die
(Yeah)
That I'll only stay with you one more night
(Oh)
And I know I said it a million times
(Yeah)
But I'll only stay with you one more night
(Yeah)

Yeah, baby, give me one more night
Yeah, baby, give me one more night (whoa, yeah)
Yeah, baby, give me one more night (oh, yeah, yeah)

The Other Side

My Sweet Little Lakefront Campsite!

The Upper Peninsula loves it some classic rock, and this trip up here was no exception.

Take it away Aerosmith:

Loving you has got to be (take me to the other side)
Like the devil and the deep blue sea (take me to the other side)
Forget about your foolish pride (take me to the other side)
Oh take me to the other side (take me to the other side)

My mamma told me there'd be days like this
And man, she wasn't fooling
Because I just can't believe the way you kiss
Uh uh huh
You opened up your mouth with baited breath
You said you'd never leave me
You love me, you hate me, I tried to take the loss
You're crying me a river but I got to get across

I'm looking for another kind of love
Oh Lordy, how I need it
The kind that likes to leap without a shove
Oh, honey, best believe it
To save a lot of time and foolish pride I'll say what's on my mind, girl
You loved me, you hate me, you cut me down to size
You blinded me with love and yeah it opened up my eyes

On the Edge: So fun to ride up - more challenging to ride down!

Take me to the other side
I'm looking for another kind of love
Oh Lordy, how I need it
The kind that likes to leap without a shove
Honey, best you believe it
Now I'm not one for saying long goodbyes
I hope all is forgiven
You loved me, you hate me, I used to be your lover
You know you had it coming girl so take me to the other...

Having heard this song in the car yesterday, it kept me company as I rode the amazing trails today -- one of my faves is pictured here.

And after three and a half hours of riding followed by an hour in the finest brewery in the world, I do believe I got to the other side all by myself...