Can't Help Falling in Love

This has been an interesting week for realizations and revelations. Maybe it's the new moon -- I'm not sure. But one of my realizations concerns the man I've had a crush on for the last few weeks.

I've been telling myself that he is not ready for a relationship like I am; that his heart is on lock down (which I can physically see when we practice yoga together). And then this week, every time I went to lie down in savasana after practice, I felt this cage around the back of my heart. Maybe my heart's on lock down too?

As I was pondering this, I also remembered my friend telling me that you don't attract what you want, you attract what you are, and that felt like more evidence that I too am guarding my heart.

When I got home last night from my loooooonggg, magical day, I happened to see a picture of said crush on Facebook. And when I saw it, I just thought to myself: I love this man.

Who knows what will happen? Who knows if he will end up being my person in this time and space. I don't know. We'll just have to wait and see.

I went to a yoga class this afternoon with my friend, and the teacher ended class with this poem from Rumi:

“Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray.”

Remembering my response to the picture on Facebook, I thought to myself; "Ok heart, I trust you. You've only led me to magical things in the past."

True, the most magical of which ended in heartbreak (hence the lock-down ) but if I could go back, I wouldn't trade that love for any other. I really wouldn't.

And I don't have to, because I reckon I'm just about to fall in love again, Ingrid Michaelson (cover) style:

Wise men say only fools rush in
But I can't help falling in love with you
Shall I stay
Would it be a sin
If I can't help falling in love with you

Like a river flows surely to the sea
Darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
So take my hand, and take my whole life too
'Cause I can't help falling in love with you

Like a river flows so surely to the sea
Oh my darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
So won't you please just take my hand, and take my whole life too
'Cause I can't help falling in love, in love with you
'Cause I can't help falling in love, falling in love,
I keep falling in love with you

Girls Chase Boys

It seems like this song is on the radio constantly these days -- in the car -- at the gym:

All the broken hearts in the world still beat
Let's not make it harder than it has to be
Ohh, it's all the same thing
Girls chase boys chase girls

Yes they do. And I've done my share in the past, but up until yesterday, I wasn't interested in chasing boys. Why would I, my heart kept telling me, when I've already found my love?

Because, my brain fired back today, your love has told you that he's staying put in New England for the foreseeable future, and that he's not ready to be your one-and-only.

Which means, added my sweaty bod when I came off the trails at CamRock to find a dude loading up his stuff in the parking lot, it's time for you to get back out there again:

I'm a little let down but I'm not dead
There's a little bit more that has to be said
You played me now I play you too
Let's just call it over

Yes, let's. Because it is, for now, at least. But seeing as the last boy chasing I did was in the summer of 2010 before I met the New Englander, I gotta admit, I'm feeling a little rusty.

So while I thought about just asking this dude in the parking lot if he wanted to get a beer, I didn't. And then he drove away before I did, so as I started back toward town, I told myself that if I saw his car parked somewhere, I would stop.

With this note, I'm officially back to boy chasing

There it was, at the first bar I drove past, and true to my word, I did stop. But when I went in, I didn't immediately see him. I hadn't exactly studied what he looked like, remembering mostly his clothes, which I guess he must've changed when he got there. Plus, the way the bar is set up, most of the people's backs were to me, giving me no chance of picking him out easily.

The difficulty in identifying said mountain biker, combined with my competing desire to go to a yoga class, made me decide to walk back out of the bar. But as I started to drive away, I told myself I needed to do a little better than that for my first boy chasing effort, so I left a note on his car.

Who knows if he will call? Who knows if I'll be attracted to him if he does? The one thing I know is that my intuition would've let me know if pursuing a conversation with him/leaving a note had a bigger possible downside than a benign but ultimately futile effort. He had a Canadian bumper sticker -- how bad could he be?

In any case, it's exciting in that it helps me affirm to the Universe:

I got two hands, one beating heart
And I'll be alright
I'm gonna be alright
Yeah I got two hands, one beating heart
And I'll be alright
I'm gonna be alright...

The Way I Am

Heard this sweet song today and found it descriptive of many of my Saturday's feelings. I was chatting with a friend this morning about the push and pull of intimacy -- the urge to mother (and maybe sometimes smother) which then gives way to the urge to withdraw. To some degree the mothering is a natural, and even sweet part of love:

If you are chilly, here take my sweater.

Your head is aching, I'll make it better.

And it's likely no coincidence that baby is a term of endearment for lovers, and one I'm particularly fond of hearing come out of my lover's mouth (I also love it when he calls me kid):

Cause I love the way you call me baby.

And you take me the way I am.

This urge to mother is largely biological, I reckon, but the line needs to be drawn somewhere -- ideally just shy of the point where it takes more from me than I really have to give. Because that's what leads to the urge to withdraw -- not the mothering itself but doing it when I don't really have that energy to spare. Hopefully I'll just keep getting better at recognizing, and then lovingly communicating, where that line is.

In the meantime, I have to take issue with a couple of Ingrid's lyrics:

I'd buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair.

Sew on patches to all you tear.

No Rogaine required when your man is capable of embodying bald hotness (as mine is); and sewing? No. Take it to the tailor, honey.

But I love her take on the "words cannot express how forever this feels" phenomenon:

Cause I love you more than I could ever promise.

And, it bears repeating, there ain't nothing better than being loved like this:

And you take me the way I am.

You take me the way I am.

You take me the way I am.