I Know

I've been wondering about this song since my favorite hot yoga teacher sang it for the first time while we were in savasana -- and then he sang it again tonight:

So be it, I'm your crowbar
If that's what I am so far
Until you get out of this mess
And I will pretend
That I don't know of your sins
Until you are ready to confess
But all the time, all the time
I'll know, I'll know

It's these next two lines that have been on repeat in my head:

And you can use my skin
To bury your secrets in
And I will settle you down
And at my own suggestion
I will ask no questions
While I do my thing in the background
But all the time all the time
I'll know I'll know

In some ways this song doesn't fit my experience with my man, and in some ways it does. It doesn't because the waiting time for us really wasn't about being with other people. We were never an affair.

And it does because I couldn't change the situation or make the time go faster or somehow ensure we'd end up together:

Baby-I can't help you out,
While she's still around
For the time being,
I'm being patient
And amidst this bitterness
If you'll just consider this
Even if it don't make sense
All the time give it time
And when the crowd becomes your burden
And you've early closed your curtains,
I'll wait by the backstage door
While you try to find
The lines to speak your mind
And pry it open, hoping for a encore
And if it gets too late, for me to wait
For you to find you love me, and tell me so
It's ok, don't need to say it

Patient I was. So patient. Because I knew, in the deepest part of me, he was my person. And we're both super grateful that it didn't get too late for me to wait before he was ready to declare me his...

Can't Help Falling in Love

This has been an interesting week for realizations and revelations. Maybe it's the new moon -- I'm not sure. But one of my realizations concerns the man I've had a crush on for the last few weeks.

I've been telling myself that he is not ready for a relationship like I am; that his heart is on lock down (which I can physically see when we practice yoga together). And then this week, every time I went to lie down in savasana after practice, I felt this cage around the back of my heart. Maybe my heart's on lock down too?

As I was pondering this, I also remembered my friend telling me that you don't attract what you want, you attract what you are, and that felt like more evidence that I too am guarding my heart.

When I got home last night from my loooooonggg, magical day, I happened to see a picture of said crush on Facebook. And when I saw it, I just thought to myself: I love this man.

Who knows what will happen? Who knows if he will end up being my person in this time and space. I don't know. We'll just have to wait and see.

I went to a yoga class this afternoon with my friend, and the teacher ended class with this poem from Rumi:

“Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray.”

Remembering my response to the picture on Facebook, I thought to myself; "Ok heart, I trust you. You've only led me to magical things in the past."

True, the most magical of which ended in heartbreak (hence the lock-down ) but if I could go back, I wouldn't trade that love for any other. I really wouldn't.

And I don't have to, because I reckon I'm just about to fall in love again, Ingrid Michaelson (cover) style:

Wise men say only fools rush in
But I can't help falling in love with you
Shall I stay
Would it be a sin
If I can't help falling in love with you

Like a river flows surely to the sea
Darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
So take my hand, and take my whole life too
'Cause I can't help falling in love with you

Like a river flows so surely to the sea
Oh my darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
So won't you please just take my hand, and take my whole life too
'Cause I can't help falling in love, in love with you
'Cause I can't help falling in love, falling in love,
I keep falling in love with you