Waiting in Vain

I decided to take my friends' advice and get back out there via the wacky world of internet dating. So far I've encountered a handful of people -- all of whom happen to be in their 30s -- who feel like they'd be worth my while to meet:

1) A powder-chasing mountain lover who thinks a ski trip up to the UP would be a great date;
2) An artist who resembles Jonah Hill and sounds like a fun and interesting person; and
3) A funny, divorced father-of-two who declares in his profile that he'll never love anyone the way he loves his ex wife.

Now one could argue that all three of these dudes could have red flags -- the first one might be painfully similar to the New Englander, the second is not the kind of guy I'm typically attracted to, and the third -- well, what's the point of dating someone who declares he'll never get over his ex wife?

Part of me agrees with each of those assessments, but with the first one, it seems like it's worth it to take the chance since he just might have many of the fabulous qualities of the East Coast Adventurer I last gave my heart to without some of the more complicated ones.

With the second, I've also gotten the advice to go out with people that I might not normally go out with -- I think this is a gentle way of saying my picker is broken but I know it's meant as a kindness.

And with the third, I have to admire his honesty, and since I am also a straight shooter -- I gave him honesty right back, telling him:

"Although I still can't fathom loving anyone else the way I loved my last boyfriend, I refuse to believe that we live in a world where we have to live without the loves with whom we are meant to spend our lives. Ergo, either my ex is going to realize he made a huge mistake and move back to Wisconsin and put a ring on my finger, OR I'm going to fall in love again, just as hugely, with someone else. But it's got to be one of those."

Now there could be other scenarios, but I believe from the deepest part of me that they all involve me having a lover who is fully capable of speaking my love languages (physical touch and quality time) and being my partner. So what's the point of going out with someone who doesn't believe that? I can guess that there's probably only really a point if, upon meeting, it feels like we could have a real friendship. In other words, having drinks with him will be the opposite of a regular date -- it I'm attracted to him, I'm not going to want to see him again. I've had enough of putting myself out there for someone who is not fully out there himself for this lifetime, thank you very much. But if I'm not, and if we're able to talk about love and loss and life and parenting and divorce and help one another muddle through these respective losses, well, then, that might just be worth something.

What I do not want, as I made clear to this pseudo-suitor, is what Bob Marley didn't want:

I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
'Cause if summer is here,
I'm still waiting there;
Winter is here,
And I'm still waiting there.

I'm tired of waiting there. The New Englander explicitly told me he didn't want me to wait in vain. I'm trying not to -- putting myself out there again. So you can be damn sure I'm not going to let myself end up in another situation where I want something that the man I want it from doesn't have to give:

It's been three years since I'm knockin' on your door,
And I still can knock some more:
Ooh girl, ooh girl, is it feasible?
I wanna know now, for I to knock some more.
Ya see, in life I know there's lots of grief,
But your love is my relief:
Tears in my eyes burn - tears in my eyes burn
While I'm waiting - while I'm waiting for my turn,
See!

I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love, oh!

Nope, I don't wanna wait in vain for anybody's love.

Because I can tell you that it is not a good feeling to come to the conclusion about someone you love that the prophet comes to at the end of this song:

It's me love that you're running from...

Not a good feeling at all.

Girls Chase Boys

It seems like this song is on the radio constantly these days -- in the car -- at the gym:

All the broken hearts in the world still beat
Let's not make it harder than it has to be
Ohh, it's all the same thing
Girls chase boys chase girls

Yes they do. And I've done my share in the past, but up until yesterday, I wasn't interested in chasing boys. Why would I, my heart kept telling me, when I've already found my love?

Because, my brain fired back today, your love has told you that he's staying put in New England for the foreseeable future, and that he's not ready to be your one-and-only.

Which means, added my sweaty bod when I came off the trails at CamRock to find a dude loading up his stuff in the parking lot, it's time for you to get back out there again:

I'm a little let down but I'm not dead
There's a little bit more that has to be said
You played me now I play you too
Let's just call it over

Yes, let's. Because it is, for now, at least. But seeing as the last boy chasing I did was in the summer of 2010 before I met the New Englander, I gotta admit, I'm feeling a little rusty.

So while I thought about just asking this dude in the parking lot if he wanted to get a beer, I didn't. And then he drove away before I did, so as I started back toward town, I told myself that if I saw his car parked somewhere, I would stop.

With this note, I'm officially back to boy chasing

There it was, at the first bar I drove past, and true to my word, I did stop. But when I went in, I didn't immediately see him. I hadn't exactly studied what he looked like, remembering mostly his clothes, which I guess he must've changed when he got there. Plus, the way the bar is set up, most of the people's backs were to me, giving me no chance of picking him out easily.

The difficulty in identifying said mountain biker, combined with my competing desire to go to a yoga class, made me decide to walk back out of the bar. But as I started to drive away, I told myself I needed to do a little better than that for my first boy chasing effort, so I left a note on his car.

Who knows if he will call? Who knows if I'll be attracted to him if he does? The one thing I know is that my intuition would've let me know if pursuing a conversation with him/leaving a note had a bigger possible downside than a benign but ultimately futile effort. He had a Canadian bumper sticker -- how bad could he be?

In any case, it's exciting in that it helps me affirm to the Universe:

I got two hands, one beating heart
And I'll be alright
I'm gonna be alright
Yeah I got two hands, one beating heart
And I'll be alright
I'm gonna be alright...

Kandi

I've heard this song a bunch of times on the radio lately. I rather like the whole thing, but it's the first line that seems to be on repeat in my head:

You've been my queen for longer than you know
My love for you has been
Every step I take, every day I live, everything I see

It's sort of a similar theme to last night's post -- the thought that somewhere out there someone is imagining a life with me just as I'm imagining a life with him. It's not a date for a movie, which would be nice this weekend, but it does keep me just a little bit warmer as the cooler temperatures begin setting in.

My friends seem to think I'm in different spots in terms of my readiness to be out there again, with some saying I am ready and some saying I'm not. I'm not really sure myself. I'm getting there, but I'm not sure I am there -- if I were, I'd probably have a movie date this weekend.

I think it helps that anyone I date who is close to my age is pretty much guaranteed to have been through the sort of heartbreak I feel like -- or at least hope -- I'm at the tail end of:

And it hurts beyond hurt
It was a love that blinds and a love that stings...

I know he called you, baby, baby, all night long
I know he called you, baby, baby, all night long

That's going to help when starting something new, I know it is, but for now, I'm content to wait until the Universe decides I'm ready to meet my match:

Does my love ever touch you?
Does my love ever reach you?
It's never enough, ah, is it never enough?

The one with whom I share a life that is more than enough -- so much better than the feeling of trying to share a life with someone with whom it never was enough. We all deserve more peace than that...