Give Me Love

Such a gorgeous boy -- love this kid!

No one gives me love quite like the babies, and that was particularly true today. I got to hold the little guy pictured here at Colectivo today, and eventually, he fell asleep in my arms.

Later in the day, I went to a guided meditation class called the inward journey. I was hoping to release some of the anger that I have been feeling (and spewing) for the last couple of weeks.

What came to me instead was an insight into where the anger was coming from -- even better! -- because that means I can address the source.

The first image that came to me was the little guy pictured here. And then in my mind's eye I saw my daughter at his age, and I felt this overwhelming helplessness about my inability to keep her safe.

I suffered from postpartum depression with baby #2, and I knew that I had a lot of regret about what I missed. I've already done a bunch of healing around that.

But this new insight helped me see why I was flying into a rage when her brother hurt her or I thought what he was doing might hurt her -- and it was this powerlessness I felt when she was so small and I was so tapped out.

On the way home, I heard this song by George Harrison. It's a beauty, and it totally works to mark this day:

Give me love
Give me love
Give me peace on earth
Give me light
Give me life
Keep me free from birth
Give me hope
Help me cope, with this heavy load
Trying to, touch and reach you with,
Heart and soul

Om m m m m m m m m m m m m m
M m m my lord. ..

Please take hold of my hand, that
I might understand you

Won't you please
Oh won't you

Give me love
Give me love
Give me peace on earth
Give me light
Give me life
Keep me free from birth
Give me hope
Help me cope, with this heavy load
Trying to, touch and reach you with,
Heart and soul

Om m m m m m m m m m m m m m
M m m my lord. ..

Please take hold of my hand, that
I might understand you

Yes, please do!

Truth and Honesty

I think I've written before about the problems I've had with my right knee. It was really hurting for a while, to the extent that I could not even sit cross-legged, which was a real drag. It's getting better now, but it still hurts from time to time.

Yesterday after one of my yoga classes, the teacher began saying what he always says at the end of class: "Hands to the third eye to know the truth" -- and as I did that, I felt a sharp pang in my knee. Hmmm, I thought to myself, there is something I know (and am perhaps refusing to acknowledge?) that is related to what's going on in my knee.

And then this morning, during a meditation class, the teacher said:

"When you take just one single step toward the truth, the truth takes a thousand steps toward you."

So beautiful. And as my friend said after class, "I really hope that is true!"

As do I. I'm still trying to figure out what taking a step toward the truth looks like, although I think that's what I've been doing.

Here's what Aretha has to say on the subject:

I would like to see a show of hands
Nothin' concealed, roll up your sleeve
Nothin' up my sleeve except my heart
And I believe we've come apart

I would like to see you play your cards
Reveal your hands and show your heart
Maybe we could get it back

With truth and honesty that's what we need to hold on
To the good stuff we believe in
Before we land up loose and sad and free
Before we find that it's gone
We could pull it back together, truth and honesty
Open up your hands, show me your heart

Let's stay up till dawn and talk it out
Nothin' concealed, no alibi, retunin' to light
Before we start, then all we do is fall apart
If I can see the sunlight in your eyes

Then maybe we all could shine, yeah
Maybe we could get it back, oh baby, yeah baby

Truth and honesty, you know what we need, sure enough within
To the good stuff, the good stuff baby
You got to be real, you got to be real, you got to be sugar
To the good stuff we believe in, you got to, you got to...

Yep, you've got to be real. And for me today that meant returning to CamRock for some more fun riding after my many yoga and meditation practices this morning, and then sucking it up and cleaning my basement (with the help of a friend) this afternoon/evening.

As a result, I had another killer day in my body, my ex-boyfriend's bed is gone, the couch where mice were nesting is gone, the dead mice are gone, and I sent an email to a contractor about the possibility of replacing the ceiling where they are so clearly living.

I'm gonna keep working on taking steps toward the truth, but I think that dealing with what scares me -- e.g. mice in my basement, letting go of what's left in my life of the New Englander -- is a good step in that direction...

Love and Compassion

I may have pushed it too hard yesterday -- even though I took a nap after skiing -- because I woke up once again feeling not much like my usual strong self.

I managed to get my kids off to school and then I went to practice. I only had a half an hour because I managed to snag an 8:30am appointment with my acupuncturist which I prioritized because I had the feeling that Chinese medicine could help me move through this illness.

My appointment was helpful, but at the end of it, it was clear that what I needed to do most was to go home and rest again. So I did. Another 4 hour nap. Whatever's got a hold of me, it's a powerful downward force.

As I always do, I am trying to address the emotional aspect of what is dragging me down, and it seems to be twofold. One part is that although I've taken some steps toward publishing a website and starting my own consulting business, I'm finding the process scary and difficult. The other part is that I still have so much sadness around the loss of my love.

For weeks, if not months, I've been thinking about doing the gratitude meditation (a led meditation by Jack Kornfield) to deal with this loss. I've used it previously to deal with a loss, but that loss was not on the same scale as this one. I think the reason I haven't done it until now is that it is so hard for me to want good things for him when I am feeling so sad about his choice not to be with me. The reason I ended up doing it tonight was that I started with the Buddha transforms difficulties (another led meditation by Jack Kornfield that I've written about before), and the message from that one was pretty clear: that the key to healing this wound is to find compassion for him. The other piece that I got from it -- the message -- was: "love yourself as only you can." This is the same advice I get from the teacher of the trauma recovery group, and I am doing my best. I really am. Message received on that front.

I was just trying to process the message about compassion when iTunes began to play the gratitude meditation. I left it on, bracing myself for what I knew would be a difficult few minutes. Through tears, I managed to say the words -- wishing good things for him -- if not necessarily fully feeling myself believing them. I have to trust that this is a process and that each step is going to lead me closer to freedom from the pain that it feels like I've been dealing with for such a long time.

What does the inner jukebox have to say about this? This song is old, it's random, but it fits:

I used to think love was a dying art
Compassion couldn't live within a crowded heart
I saw my freedom in a poor man's eyes
Hope like a light, will to survive
A sense of dignity to hold up high
These are the simple things
That keep us all alive
And though the rich buy power for a time
One thing that money can't buy

Love and compassion
(only) Love and compassion
Give it to you
Give it to me
Love and compassion
(only) Love and compassion
That's what it takes
(give love... You're gonna feel love...
Ooo... Feel love... You're gonna give love)

One night when I was feelin' all alone
I saw a shadow walking in the danger zone
I knew that I would have to make a choice
Hunger in my heart, hunger in my spirit
We won't be free until we equalize
The price of power to the price of every life
And though I know it's gonna take some time
Someday we're all gonna find

Love and compassion
(onlv) Love and compassion
Give it to you
Give it to me
Love and compassion
(only) Love and compassion
That's what it takes to relate

Love and compassion
(only) Love and compassion
Give it to you
Give it to me
(oniy) Love und compassion
That's what it takes
(give love... Ooo feel love... You're gonna
Feel love... If you give love)

Yep. I'm gonna feel love, if I give love. So I'm gonna give love, to myself, and to the man who once called himself my man but has long since chosen another path...

I'm Your Man

This morning I got up earlier than I normally do on a morning when I don't have the kids; my earlier rising motivated by my workshop this weekend. You see, ever since my Ashtanga group moved its open practice to Mound Street, we've had more time constraints. We have to be done by 8:45am, and previous to the workshop, I'd been arriving at 8:00 or a couple of minutes after and trying to squeeze in my practice. In the process of trying to beat the clock, I've been cheating my breath and many of the postures. So I'm working on turning a new leaf.

This morning wasn't a perfect start -- I could've arrived earlier than I did, but it was an improvement. And accompanying me on my bikeride this morning was this song in my head -- and specifically these words on repeat:

But where we're going baby
Ain't no such word as no

Not exactly sure what to make of it, but this is my take:

This commitment I'm making to myself, there's no going back. There's no way to stuff it back in or to go back to being ok with what was once ok with me.

It might also be about the realization I had this weekend that I am choosing people for intimate relationships who need to go away because I need to go away. That's a big one. And it really makes me think twice about jumping back into the dating game anytime soon. I'm not sure I'll be ready to meet someone who'll really stick around for me - - emotionally and physically -- until I really stick around for me - - emotionally and physically. I'm definitely on the path. I'm taking steps. I've sat for 5 minutes the last two days. But it's going to take time.

So no George, I'm afraid I do not know:

Baby, I'm your man don't you know that?
Baby, I'm your man
You bet
If you're gonna do it, do it right - right?
Do it with me

I don't know who my man is yet. But I know he's out there:

So good
You're divine
Wanna take you, wanna make you
But they tell me it's a crime
Everybody knows where the good people go
But where we're going baby
Ain't no such word as no...

That's the Way It Is

I think it was four years ago (could've been five) that Michael Stone, yoga and meditation teacher, came to Madison to teach a workshop and I attended the Friday night talk. I hadn't signed up for the weekend because I didn't have the cash, and after the Friday night talk, I was kind of glad I hadn't. I was super drawn to him/really wanted to get in his pants (this was during my newly liberated, sex seeking stage). I think I posted some (now) embarrassing Facebook message alluding to his hotness -- definitely not appropriate but that just wasn't my middle name during that period.

He returns to Madison each year, and the combination of not having the cash and feeling embarrassed about that post kept me from signing up for a number of years, but this year I was in a different space. I had the cash, figured he wouldn't even remember about the post, and was no longer worried about desire getting in the way of learning from him.

Today was the first full day. The studio was really crowded, with almost double what we normally have in the room, so lack of space was an issue. It was different than I thought, too. I thought my regular Ashtanga practice would prepare me for what we did -- and it did, sort of -- but I felt like I did as much unlearning as learning which surprised me quite a bit. And for a three hour asana practice, we really didn't do that much.

After our lunch break, we had to sit in meditation. I'd been dreading this part, and it was every bit as bad as I thought it was going to be. Afterward he asked people to share their experiences, and I said I kept wondering whether, if I'm spending the whole time thinking "I fucking hate meditating!" am I really getting any of the benefits? He must've spent 10 minutes responding to what I said, which didn't feel super comfortable, but I got a lot out of it. He said he forgot to tell us not to bring ourselves to our cushion. That we're not doing meditation, we're just breathing, and if we let the mind attach a story to an emotion that arises, we just keep feeding it and it can't shift. Which is exactly what I experienced. He said he'd had the same experience when he first started, and although he probably wouldn't love the use of Celine Dion to mark this day, this song was going through my mind on my bike ride home:

I can read your mind and I know your story
I see what you're going through
It's an uphill climb, and I'm feeling sorry
But I know it will come to you

Celine doesn't say "if you just put in the time practicing," but I'm really beginning to think that these two things are linked. This desire I have for a different kind of intimacy than I've experienced before and my inability/difficulty sitting still. If I can't be intimate with myself - -and nothing, nothing, nothing is more intimate with the self than seated meditation -- how can I expect to be in a relationship with someone else that is characterized by the kind of intimacy I want?

Don't surrender 'cause you can win
In this thing called love

When you want it the most there's no easy way out
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is

I don't know Celine. I think maybe love comes to those who practice. Michael challenged me to start a 5 minute daily morning meditation practice and come back next year and tell him how it's going. I like a challenge, and I'm goal driven. Especially when the goal is loving myself -- and ultimately loving and being loved by someone else -- more wholeheartedly.