Break My Stride

My Netflix queue is a strange and wonderful place. It's strange because sometimes movies end up in the queue that I don't remember ever placing there -- and it's wonderful because more often than not, when they show up in my mailbox, they are worth watching whether I remember wanting to see them or not.

Cedar Rapids was no exception. Super cute movie -- funny, poignant, some racy scenes -- and it had this gem in the soundtrack:

Last night I had the strangest dream
I sailed away to China
In a little row boat to find ya
And you said you had to get your laundry cleaned
Didn't want no-one to hold you
What does that mean
And you said

Ain't nothin' gonna to break my stride
Nobody's gonna slow me down, oh-no
I got to keep on movin'
Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride
I'm running and I won't touch ground
Oh-no, I got to keep on movin'

You're on a roll and now you pray it lasts
The road behind was rocky
But now you're feeling cocky
You look at me and you see your past
Is that the reason why you're runnin' so fast
And she said

Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride
Nobody's gonna slow me down, oh-no
I got to keep on moving
Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride
I'm running and I won't touch ground
Oh-no, I got to keep on moving

Which was a pretty fun blast from the past. The video linked above has comedians talking about the song, which is pretty funny. But my favorite moment came while my boyfriend and I were watching a scene in Cedar Rapids where the main character was trying to decide whether to go home with with a hooker he'd befriended or a fellow insurance agent of the female, redheaded persuasion.

"Trust me, you should go with the redheaded MILF!"

Awwwww...

Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)

The other day at the gym, some dudes were complaining about Journey being played in multiple classes in a row. I listened in disbelief: how could they not love this band? Unlike my fitness friends, when this number came up during one of our workouts, I found myself singing along and moving to the music:

Here we stand
Worlds apart, hearts broken in two (two, two)
Sleepless nights
Losing ground
I'm reaching for you (you, you)

I especially dig those repeats! But I digress, back to you, you master of the mullet, Steve Perry:

Someday love will find you
Break those chains that bind you
One night will remind you
How we touched
And went our separate ways
If he ever hurts you
True love won't desert you
You know I still love you
Though we touched
And went our separate ways

Aside from sheer listening pleasure, this song has been kicking around in my mind during a couple of recent episodes in my relationship. Though the song is not about jealousy per se, it does remind us of the fact that we've all loved before, sometimes it's a marriage and sometimes it's a fleeting affair, but all of these contacts of the heart change us, I believe mostly for the good. I believe that, about both my own past loves and my lover's, but depending on how firmly rooted I am in myself in a given moment, it can be hard to feel that belief. I also believe that the amount of love we have to give is not finite, and therefore having loved someone else, or even still loving someone else, doesn't take away from our present ability to love, but it can be hard sometimes to remember that when jealousy washes over us:

Troubled times

Caught between confusion and pain (pain, pain)

Distant eyes

Promises we make were in vain (in vain, vain)

Case in point: coming back from our magical weekend in the U.P., my boyfriend and I were sitting outside at a lovely waterfront pub having a late lunch. I was telling him that I was sad that I would never get to meet his Mom (she passed away). He immediately started talking about how much his first serious girlfriend had loved his Mom, and about things his first wife had appreciated about her. For him, these were positive memories, happy associations with cherised loved ones. When I started to cry and said that it was hard for me to hear that, he bristled at having to edit himself.

Neither of our feelings were wrong, it's just an example of a time when it is difficult to really feel what you know to be true in the best part of yourself: there's enough love to go around, and around and around. It might also be an example of when it would have been beneficial for him to first attend to the feelings I had just expressed and then express his, but that's easier to see in retrospect than it is to do in the moment. I know, I've been the one not properly attending to my partner's feelings -- in fact, I think i was guilty of that this morning.

The other example was a moment of jealousy my boyfriend had when I was talking about a man with whom I had a very short, passionate post-marital affair that really changed me. I've written about him before -- my friends and I refer to him as Jesus. (One of the blog posts about him is aptly titled Hey Jealousy.) He's the one that was so gentle with me, telling me that my eyes were sad, and allowing me to connect to something beautiful (him and the image of him on his beloved windsurf board) - - a beacon to help show the way through the pain I was feeling. We didn't keep in touch -- I don't even know his last name -- and I don't need to know it. He was just the Universe's way of reminding me of a truth when I was so separated from it; there are good men out there and I'm worthy of their love:

If you must go, I wish you love
You'll never walk alone
Take care my love
Miss you love

And now I've found a good man to love and to let love me. Some days that's more challenging from one end, some days from the other. While it's true that the road that my boyfriend and I are currently walking is not without its bumps, I'm grateful not to be walking alone, and I have a keen understanding that the bumps would be bigger, the uphills steeper, and the swooping downhills much less frequent than they are when we are walking (or riding) together...

The Yellow Rose of Texas

My boyfriend gave me yellow roses for our anniversary, telling me that they seem to fit me best because he sees me as a cowgirl at heart. Love that about him, that he brings out my wild and adventurous side -- and I see myself the same way.

Ever since then, this song keeps coming up on the internal ipod. I remember my Mom singing this song when I was a little girl, and hearing it again now...

She's the sweetest little rosebud that Texas ever knew
Her eyes are bright as diamonds they sparkle like the dew
You may talk about your Clementine and sing of Rosa Lee
But the yellow rose of Texas is the only girl for me

I couldn't be happier to be the only girl for my man!

I Can't Help Myself (Sugar Pie Honey Bunch)

After I put my kids in bed tonight, I went downstairs to put in a load of laundry. Climbing the stairs after I started the machine, I heard this song coming from within:

Sugarpie honeybunch
You know that I love you
I can't help myself
I love you and nobody else
In and out my life
You come and you go
Leaving just your picture behind
And I kissed it a thousand times

Looking at the lyrics now, I see that it isn't a perfect fit for how I'm feeling tonight, but it comes pretty damn close. Thankfully, my boyfriend's comings and goings are based on him trying to establish a home for himself at his new place and his desire to get the things he needs to be happy that I can't give him, never him actually leaving me.

It's a good thing, too, because like The Four Tops, I'm hooked:

When you snap your fingers
Or wink your eye
I come a running to you
I'm tied to you, baby
And there's nothing I can do
Ooh, sugar

When I call your name (girl)
It starts the flame burning in my heart
Tearin' it all apart
No matter how I try
My love I cannot hide

Sugarpie honeybunch
You now that I'm weak for you
I can't help myself
I love you and nobody else

Sugarpie honeybunch
I'll do anything you ask me to
I can't help myself
I want you and nobody else

Sugarpie honeybunch
You know that I love you
I can't help myself

And I don't want to!

Perfect Blue Buildings

It's hard to believe it's August already. I get a little sick of people saying that, but I have to admit that it is pretty astounding how quickly summer slips away.

It has been a good summer, overall, and the last couple of days I've had some alone time with my daughter, which has been really great. She helped my boyfriend and I celebrate two years to the day we met with a fun summer evening of riding bikes to a favorite local restaurant.

She even took this photo of the happy couple post margarita --
methinks my man wears the tequila better than I do!

The next day, which was yesterday, I heard these lyrics as I pedaled into work:

Said how am I gonna keep myself away?

How am I gonna keep myself away from me?

Keep myself away...

How am I gonna keep myself away from me?

Keep myself away...

How am I gonna keep myself away from me?

Which for me, really isn't the question at all. It's more a question of how I'm going to stay connected to myself. After years and years of practice, I'm really, really good at this part:

Gonna get me a little oblivion, baby,

And try to keep myself away from me.

But not as good at staying connected. I had a private yoga session with my teacher a couple of weeks ago, and he outlined a home practice for me. I know it is what I need to be doing, and in some sense I want to do what I need to be doing, but I just can't seem to show up for my practices. Even when I do the whole sequence, which isn't often, it feels like checking tasks off a list rather than really tuning in to myself: my body, my mind, my spirit. Why is that? Am I so afraid of what I'll find there? 

I've spent a fair amount of time reveling in my reclaimed love lately -- spent a really great weekend away together that I'll blog about soon -- but even that seems to be, at least in part, a way to check out of what is going on inside me -- and I haven't been willing to do the hard work of integrating my own needs with his needs and the needs of our relationship to the extent that I probably need to in order to stay connected to myself:

You got an attitude of everything I ever wanted.
I got an attitude of need.
So, help me stay awake, I'm fallin'...

Nope, it's nobody's job to help me stay awake -- that's up to me. What'll it be, SJ, at 6:30 am on this Thursday? Back to sleep or showing up for your practice for real this time?

Desperado

My kids and I hit the open road yesterday for a little Midwestern road trip. Very little, as it turned out. Our destination was Dubuque, Iowa, and it only took us 1 1/2 hours to get there from Madison! Still, we heard some good tunes in transit (well I did, while they watched Charlie Brown), including this classic.

While on our bluff walk (see photo), we even saw an eagle, so I decided the signs were pointing at this song to mark our road trip. When we were leaving Iowa, I sent my boyfriend a text to see if he wanted to come over for dinner. I was excited for a reunion and to swap stories about our respective road trips (he'd traveled to Wausau on Sunday), but he said he had to work on getting settled in his new place instead.

I'm not gonna lie, I was disappointed. About not seeing him tonight, but I think more broadly I'm also disappointed that he's getting settled into another new place that isn't with me and my kids. I guess this is just one of those moments when I have to deal with the fact that he's not as ready to settle down as I am.

Yessir, I was the Desperado for a long time, but I'm not anymore:

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
You been out ridin' fences for so long now
Oh, you're a hard one
I know that you got your reasons
These things that are pleasin' you
Can hurt you somehow

I've always loved this song, and for some reason it's these next two verses that always run through my head for days after I've heard it:

Don't you draw the queen of diamonds, boy
She'll beat you if she's able
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet

Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can't get

Maybe it's because for so much of my life, I've needed that reminder, but I don't feel I need it any more. It certainly hasn't been a simple matter to carry on a love affair with someone from another part of the country and a world that didn't include kids, but I really believe one of the things that has gotten us this far is that his default gamble is indeed on love. It's helped me believe in it too, and for that I'm grateful.

Still, halfway through our probable lives, we both have a lot of the pain and the hunger of which the Eagles sing:

Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin'
Your prison is walking through this world all alone

And our predicament is complicated by the fact that the home that mine drives me to is the one I've made with my beloved children, and the home his drives him to is his beloved mountains.

I don't have the answer to this dilemma, and I'm not in control. And when it comes right down to it, that's a big part of why this is difficult:

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you, before it's too late

The other part is, as Harry so aptly puts it (check out this sweet scene!), when you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible!

Only Happy When it Rains

I've had a tough couple of days. I'm not sleeping that well, and when I wake up, I don't feel rested. Falling asleep is difficult, and when I wake during the night, I've been feeling afraid, which used to be common for me, but hasn't been for quite some time.

I'm not sure exactly what is responsible for these feelings, but this morning as I laid in bed listening to the first thunderstorm complete with soaking rain in weeks, this song came to me:

I'm only happy when it rains
I'm only happy when it's complicated
And though I know you can't appreciate it
I'm only happy when it rains
You know I love it when the news is bad
And why it feels so good to feel so sad
I'm only happy when it rains

I remember when this song came out. One of my friends really loved it, and it always sort of baffled me, since I felt the opposite. Fifteen years later, I can see a couple of things that I couldn't see then. One, that the lyrics are likely tongue-in-cheek, and two, that ideally, one wouldn't crave all sunshine or all darkness, because both would lead to disappointment much of the time.

This is a concept I'm working on with my kids. I feel like I spend a lot of time managing their negativity and impatience, and sometimes it feels something akin to what Shirley is singing about here:

Pour your misery down, pour your misery down on me
Pour your misery down, pour your misery down on me

And when they do that, it takes its toll on me. I really want to help teach them that for the most part, going through life that way is a choice, and it isn't a choice that leaves much room for joy. This morning I listened to the introduction to a meditation that said that gratitude naturally makes way for joy, and decided to put my focus there both for myself and in teaching them how to choose a lighter way of being.

Reading these lyrics, I'm also reminded of what my therapist suggested when I told her about this issue. She said to have a little fun with it, to try to show them how absurd the level of negativity can sound sometimes. I'm not sure that feels right to me as a parenting strategy, but this song sure nails it!

I'm only happy when it rains
I feel good when things are going wrong
I only listen to the sad sad songs
I'm only happy when it rains

I only smile in the dark
My only comfort is the night gone black
I didn't accidentally tell you that
I'm only happy when it rains
You'll get the message by the time I'm through
When I complain about me and you
I'm only happy when it rains