Born Again

Yesterday I went to the wedding of some friends. It was outside, it was a gorgeous day, she was beautiful, he was beautiful, the flowers were beautiful, it was out in the country, the dog was the ring bearer -- it was awesome.

I think it was the first wedding I've been to since my own marriage ended, and I was really grateful I'd had a year and change to go through my own grieving process so I could properly bear witness to my friends' union. What a beautiful thing to behold. And I think Sally (in When Harry Met Sally) was right - getting married is such an optimistic thing to do.

Late in the evening, I talked to a friend of the groom whose own divorce was really fresh. I think he's still in the shock phase: he remarked that they'd gotten married relatively late and it had seemed like a safe bet. I have two things to say about that -- and they may seem contradictory -- but bear with me. One, there is no such thing as a safe bet -- a bet always involves risk and uncertainty -- which is why it is related to the fact that getting married requires optimism. And two, it was a safe bet, at the time, which is why they'd gotten married. I don't think it is productive, 15 years later, to question whether it was the right decision then -- it was the decision, so it was the right one.

Besides, divorce is really just one big fat invitation to grow as a human being. While it is true that we also grow within a marriage, the growth that comes from reclaiming the parts of yourself that were lost in the union, AND that you want back (some of it needed to go), is pretty phenomenal. It's also really hard work.

By now you might be starting to ask yourself -- where is she going with this? Why the song Born Again? Was that the newlyweds' song? Nope. And while I do think, if you can look past the cheese factor, it is a beautiful expression of the kind of love that causes people to take the marital plunge, that's not why I picked it.

It came to me yesterday as the song to celebrate the 40th birthday of a friend I met -- at a dance at our kids' school-- when I was in the really raw stage of my split. I'd moved out a short time before, and every school event was a painful reminder of the family we weren't. There were times when telling people about it was more painful than being alone with it, but that wasn't the case with this friend. And ever since that day, she's been bringing me her softness, sweetness and kindness, teaching me how it feels to be loved when it is given freely, abundantly -- a feeling that isn't as familiar to me as I might sometimes wish it was. Experiencing it feels a bit like being born again sometimes. In a good way.

I also think this was the song that came to me because I remember it playing in the background during those dancing scenes of Days of Our Lives, and this friend is a dancer. Remember those scenes? As a college student, I remember feeling like what was transpiring between those dancers was not available for people like me. And it wasn't, at the time.

But there's more in store for me in this lifetime, of that I'm sure. And even though there was no small part of me, as I tucked myself into my own bed after the wedding last night, that longed for the "Lying safe within your arms, I'm born again" that Billy & Syreeta are singing about, I know those arms will find me when the time is right.