Love Love Love

Yesterday when I was looking for the new song by the Femmes, I found a similarly titled song:

Well, maybe I'm a crook for stealing your heart away
Yeah, maybe I'm a crook for not caring for it
Yeah, maybe I'm a bad, bad, bad, bad person
Well, baby, I know.

And these fingertips
Will never run through your skin
And those bright blue eyes
Can only meet mine across the room filled with people that are less important than you.

All 'cause you love, love, love
When you know I can't love
You love, love, love
When you know I can't love
You love, love, love
When you know I can't love you

So I think it's best we both forget before we dwell on it
The way you held me so tight
All through the night
'Til it was near morning

Ouch! This is gonna hurt for a while!

'Cause you love, love, love
When you know I can't love
You love, love, love
When you know I can't love
You love, love, love
When you know I can't love you

And when I heard it, this is what I thought:

Yeah, so that happened. Except I was the one love love loving and he was the one who couldn't love me. Not how I wanted him to love me. And I did know it.

In other news, I crashed my road bike today. All things considered, it wasn't too bad: Minimal damage to my bike: broken toe clip and messed up chain which some nice young man fixed for me at the scene, and minimal damage to the right side of my body: bruised and bloodied elbow, hand, thigh and knee. In short, I feel banged up, and I don't particularly like feeling banged up. I hope I don't wake up feeling worse tomorrow...

Love Love Love Love Love

On my drive home from Yin tonight, which I am really enjoying during my trial month at Inner Fire, this song came on:

Step one, I did it for fun
It was a simple way to start
Lights out, what's it all about?
I only got one cheek to turn

Some do it for the summit la cumbre
Some do it for the climb
Some people know when to settle down
Me, I can't help but wonder what's on the other side

I want love love love love love
Love love love love love
Love love love love love
All around me
All around me

Ok, so it's not their most genius song ever, but I love love love love love that these guys are still making music -- apparently this is their first track in 15 years!

Plus, I like the sentiment:

I want love love love love love
Love love love love love
Love love love love love
All around me
All around me

And I felt it all around me today!

Love love love love love
Love love love love love
Love love love love love
All around me
All around me

Lost in the Light

It's a new music weekend for me, which is good, because dang, the weather is cold and gloomy, and my kids are off enjoying sand and surf!

I was introduced to this song (and this band) driving home from the wettest, coldest run I've maybe ever done:

I'm lost in the light
I pray for the night
To take me, to take you too

After so many words
Still nothing's heard
Don't know what we should do

So if someone could see me now
Let them see you

'twas my greatest thrill
When we just stood still
You let me hold your hand 'til I had my fill

Even counting sheep
Don't help me sleep
I just toss and turn right there beside ya

So if someone could help me now
They'd help you too

They'd help you too
See you through
All the hard things we've all gotta do

'Cause this life is long
So you wouldn't be wrong
Being free, leaving me on my own

And I held my own
Still I rattled your bones
I said some awful things and I take them back

If we would try again
Just remember when
Before we were lovers I swear we were friends

So if someone could see me now
Let them see you

Let them see you
See you through
All the hard things we've all gotta do

'Cause this life is long
So you wouldn't be wrong
Being free, leaving me on my own

A lovely song about how sometimes relationships with people we love don't work out, and that's ok.

As soon as I got home, I ran a bath, made some tea and oatmeal, got rid of the chill and then crawled into bed. That's the kind of day it is here -- thankfully the temps should rise and the sun should come out later in the week. Then it'll feel a little more like "spring" break!

It Takes a Lot to Know a Man

This morning I drove my kids and their Dad to the airport where they are Brazil-bound. Me, I'm sticking around here. I've got a bunch of work that needs to get done this week, and although I'll certainly miss my babes, it feels good to have some space.

So far I've done some work, taken a nap, gone for a run, and been to a hot yoga class. The yoga class was taught by an instructor who was recommended to me by a friend. He was pretty great during the class, I have to admit, but the best part came at the end of class when he sang this song to us during savasana:

It takes a lot to know a man
It takes a lot to understand
The warrior, the sage
The little boy enraged

It takes a lot to know a woman
A lot to understand what's humming
The honeybee, the sting
The little girl with wings

It takes a lot to give, to ask for help
To be yourself, to know and love what you live with
It takes a lot to breathe, to touch, to feel
The slow reveal of what another body needs

It takes a lot to know a man
A lot to know, to understand
The father and the son
The hunter and the gun

It takes a lot know a woman
A lot to comprehend what's coming
The mother and the child
The muse and the beguiled

It takes a lot to give, to ask for help
To be yourself, to know and love what you live with
It takes a lot to breathe, to touch, to feel
The slow reveal of what another body needs

What are you so afraid to lose?
What is it you're thinking that will happen if you do?
What are you so afraid to lose?

I don't think I'm afraid of losing anything, other than my kids. But maybe I have other walls I cannot see?

In any case, it was an amazing way to end class. It probably would have been no matter what song he chose, but this song happens to be a new-to-me song by an artist I like, which is even better!

Get Closer

Temperatures are still quite chilly, but I'm starting to feel my usual springtime pull in the direction of the opposite sex. I don't have any particular hot prospects on my radar, but I do have a couple of grocery store flirtations that keep it interesting.

One of them is definitely younger than I am, though I'm not sure exactly how young. My friend told me there's an official formula for how young a man you can date: You divide your age by two and add seven. I'm not-quite-but-nearly 44, so that means 29-year olds are fair game. Yikes!

With the young dude I'm mostly just very curious why I'm drawn to him -- he works at a deli, he has an earring -- not my typical pick for sure. Maybe it's his delicious (looking -- I haven't had the pleasure of feeling it) stubble, or how genuinely pleased he is to see me, or how he greets me by name. I dunno, but there's something about him that does it for me.

The other one, also a grocer, is probably a little bit older than I am, and also not my type. But it makes me happy to see him, he's friendly and warm, and I happen to know that he's a widower with a child my age.

Who knows whether anything will happen with either one. What I know for sure is that when I heard this song (love this vintage video!) in the car today, I knew without hesitation that I do indeed want to get closer to someone:

Darling if you want me to be closer to you
Get closer to me
Darling if you want me to be closer to you
Get closer to me
Darling if you want me to love, love only you
Then love only me
Darling if you want me to see, see only you
Then see only me

There's a line that I can't cross over
It's no good for me and it's no good for you
And there's a feeling deep down inside me
I can't explain it and you're wondering why

You say we been like strangers
But I'm not the others you can hang by your fingers

Darling if you want me to be closer to you
Get closer to me
Darling if you want me to be closer to you
Get closer to me
Darling if you want me to love, love only you
Then love only me
Darling if you want me to see, see only you
Then see only me

There was a time when you would come running
You dropped everything for the touch of your hand in mine
I was blind and know I regret it
I can't forget it, it's locked in my mind

And I can't go on living
Wondering if you'll be here tomorrow
People change and you're changing
And I've given you my all
There's no one can borrow

Darling if you want me to be closer to you
Get closer to me
Darling if you want me to be closer to you
Get closer to me
Darling if you want me to be closer to you
Get closer, closer, closer, closer

Yes. Please. Get closer.

Return to Innocence

I had a not very fun experience today that I recognize as an opportunity to grow, but it doesn't make it any more comfortable.

I was just talking with my therapist about my tendency at times to try to morph into what I think other people want me to be. This doesn't lead to good places. It's the opposite of me standing in my power and seeing what comes, which is what I've been trying, as much as I can, to do. And succeeding, much of the time.

The problem is, as this experience shows me, I don't necessarily get any warning before I slide right out of my power and into justifying and morphing mode. There are signs that it is happening, but as it was happening yesterday, I didn't know how to come out of it.

I'm trying to be gentle with myself, but often what accompanies this sort of experience is agitation and anxiety, making it difficult to remain calm, fall asleep, stay asleep, etc.

In the midst of my churning, this song came to me:

Love, devotion
Love, devotion
Feeling, emotion
Feeling, emotion

Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart, my friend
That will be the return to yourself

Yep, that's what I'm in the process of doing, but what I saw yesterday was how quickly I'm still capable of leaving myself.

The return to innocence

And if you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself, don't hide
Just believe in destiny

Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence

That's not the beginning, it's the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence

Yes it is. It's not comfortable, but it's so important for me to keep working on all of this. I know that I have an incredible mind and a big heart and all kinds of skills that can make the world a better place. I just need to keep working to scaffold my experiences so that I have the best chance of staying in my own power, and my experience today can help me identify ways to do that...

It's Not Easy To Be Me

The last couple of weeks, I've begun once again to "write" in my head, a book that I've started at least five times in as many years. In the last few days, I've begun actually writing and I'm finding that I'm really enjoying it.

This song came to me while I was working on a particular section yesterday:

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me

I'm more than a bird, I'm more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It's not easy to be me

I wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
'bout a home I'll never see

It may sound absurd but don't be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed but won't you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It's not easy to be me

Up, up and away, away from me
Well it's alright. You can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy or anything

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
Men weren't meant to ride
With the clouds between their knees

I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
inside of me ...... inside of me ...
inside of me ...... inside of me ...

I'm only a man in a funny red sheet
I'm only a man looking for a dream

I'm only a man in a funny red sheet

It's not easy ... woo.. hoo.. hoo..
It's not easy to be me...

It feels like it's getting easier to be me all the time, but I'm also keenly aware of the layers of protections that I've put in place and need to slowly dismantle in order to find true freedom in my body and my life.

Good thing I'm up for the task!

One Voice

Tonight, after about a month off, my trauma recovery group met again. It's wonderful to have a place to share the painful parts with people who understand. It's like Alanon, but smaller, all-female, and the same group every time. That's worth a whole lot, which is why I'm there, but I get frustrated when it feels like the group leader wants my healing to follow the same trajectory as others or when she feels she knows what is best for me based on what is best for others.

Although I still have a ways to go, I've been on this healing path for quite some time now. Long enough to know myself well enough to put myself into positions that, while they might not be easy, are ultimately good for me and my kids. I can trust myself to make these decisions and to take care of myself and my kids in the process.

Tonight we sang this song together, along with the Wailin' Jennys:

This is the sound of one voice
One spirit, one voice
The sound of one who makes a choice
This is the sound of one voice

This is the sound of voices two
The sound of me singing with you
Helping each other to make it through
This is the sound of voices two

This is the sound of voices three
Singing together in harmony
Surrendering to the mystery
This is the sound of voices three

This is the sound of all of us
Singing with love and the will to trust
Leave the rest behind it will turn to dust
This is the sound of all of us

This is the sound of one voice
One people, one voice
A song for every one of us
This is the sound of one voice
This is the sound of one voice

That's right, there's one voice that I need to be most concerned with: my own. I can't help others or harmonize or have the will to trust if I'm not sure of my voice. And ultimately, that's why I'm in the group. To keep allowing my voice to get stronger as the things that have held it back fall away...

I Love Sushi (Let's Get Fish-Faced)

On Sunday this sushi lover will be 15

A couple of years ago, I bought my sushi-loving son a sushi-making kit. Two years later, we still hadn't used it, and so he requested that we make sushi for his birthday dinner.

I was kind of dreading it, and there are definitely things I will do differently next time, but it was also pretty cool, and it definitely made my 15(!) year old happy, just like in this silly song:

There's one thing that I love to eat
It's my special little Japanese treat
It's so delicious and healthy too
I just can't wait to eat with you

I love sushi, yes I do
Tempura, edamame, sashimi too
I love sushi, yes I do
I wanna get fish-faced with you

Evil chopsticks out of the package, rip them apart!

We're gonna try this thing called "All You Can Eat"
But that's not a challenge that you have to beat
So take your time and let the food digest
Don't over-order as the menu suggests

I love sushi, yes I do
Miso soup, gyōza, and tofu too
I love sushi, yes I do
Just wanna get fish-faced with you

Wasabi, soy sauce, explosion!
More ginger, more ginger!

That last line might just be my favorite. I love me a good double entendre...

Take a Picture

Funniest defacing of a changing table this ginger's ever seen!

When I heard this song today, it felt apropos for two reasons:

1) Two of the people I practice yoga with talked me into putting Snapchat on my phone so I've been having fun with sending and receiving many more photos than normal.

2) Today while using the bathroom at the downtown Colectivo, I spotted the graffiti pictured above. Being a ginger myself, I particularly appreciated this creative piece of found art.

Awake on my airplane
Awake on my airplane
My skin is bare
My skin is theirs
I feel like a newborn
And I feel like a newborn
Awake on my airplane
Awake on my airplane
I feel so real

Also, I do feel kind of like a newborn right now. Every day is different, an adventure, so different from my old life of going to the same job five days a week. So I guess that makes three reasons why I chose this song to mark this day:

Could you take my picture
'Cuz I won't remember
Could you take my picture
'Cuz I won't remember
Could you take my picture
'Cuz I won't remember
Yeah

I don't believe in
I don't believe in
In your sanctity
Your privacy
I don't believe in
I don't believe in
Sanctity
A hypocrisy
Could everyone agree that
No one should be left alone
Could everyone agree that
They should not be left alone yeah
And I feel like a newborn
And I feel like a newborn
Kicking and screaming

Barely Breathing

I spent the night in Milwaukee last night with friends. Ate a little too much, drank a little too much -- both of these made it harder to show up for the 8 am breath work and Sanskrit, 9 am led Ashtanga class at Ashtanga Circle this morning.

But I don't think the hour of breath work would have gone smoothly under the best of circumstances. Breathing properly has not come easy for me for a long, long time. One thing about trauma is that the breath tends to get held, and in my case I don't think I fully exhaled between the ages of 4 and 38. That's a long time to be in fight or flight mode, and my body still wants to jump back there at the least sign of something discomfiting. And this was definitely discomfiting. I had trouble doing the specific practices, and when I did manage to do them, tears came.

It's a little embarrassing, even in a setting like a yoga studio, to be the only one moved to tears. It's not the first time it has happened to me, and I think I felt less shame about it this time and more curiosity about why I am the only one with this well of unstoppable tears.

What I know for sure is that my own experience makes me profoundly compassionate as a teacher, and for that, I am grateful.

I heard this song on the drive back to Madison, which seems apropos of my experience today:

'Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
Don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care

And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
I don't suppose it's worth the price
It's worth the price, the price
That I would pay, yeah yeah, yeah

Everyone keeps asking
What's it all about?
I used to be so certain
Now I can't figure out

What is this attraction?
I only feel the pain
There's nothing left to reason
And only you to blame
Will it ever change?

'Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
Don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care

And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
I don't suppose it's worth the price
It's worth the price, the price
That I would pay, yeah yeah, yeah
But I'm thinking it over anyway
I'm thinking it over anyway

I've come to find
I may never know
Your changing mind
Is it friend or foe?

I rise above or sink below
With every time
You come and go
Please don't come and go

'Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
Don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care

And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I don't suppose it's worth the price
It's worth the price, the price
That I would pay, yeah yeah, yeah
But I'm thinking it over anyway
I'm thinking it over anyway

Well, I know what you're doing
I see it all too clear...

Looking at the lyrics, there is also a lot in here that reminds me of where I ended up in terms of my relationship with the New Englander. Every day I move toward a greater level of acceptance that we will spend some part of four years together rather than the rest of our lives. Every day I feel more peace about that, more gratitude about all the good that came out of that relationship and of leaving it behind.

But I'm not gonna lie, I still feel some sadness about that too...

Blank Space

Woke up this morning with these words of this song on repeat in my head:

But I've got a blank space, baby
And I'll write your name

And I gotta say it seems like a good sign. I don't have much of an agenda when it comes to my lovelife these days, and that's something new and different for me. I'm putting a lot of energy into launching my new business (details to follow), and of course my kids, and that feels like enough for right now.

Even so, I like that my subconscious is preparing. Making space. Reminding me that I'm open to what's next:

So it's gonna be forever
Or it's gonna go down in flames
You can tell me when it's over
If the high was worth the pain
Got a long list of ex-lovers
They'll tell you I'm insane
'Cause you know I love the players
And you love the game

'Cause we're young and we're reckless
We'll take this way too far
It'll leave you breathless
Or with a nasty scar
Got a long list of ex-lovers
They'll tell you I'm insane
But I've got a blank space, baby
And I'll write your name...

Plush

Still so satisfying to break these shelves of ice!

This evening my daughter and I had to run a couple of errands, and on our way we heard this song:

Where ya going for tommorrow?
Where ya going with that mask I found?
And I feel, and I feel
When the dogs begin to smell her
Will she smell alone?

And the line that felt most apropos of this day was this next one:

And I feel, so much depends on the weather...

The temperature hit mid-50s today, and it was like everyone in Madison was instantly in a better mood. The sun shone, my son rode his bike to school...

So is it raining in your bedroom?
And I see, that these are the eyes of disarray
Would you even care?

And I feel it
And she feels it

Where ya going to tommorrow?
Where ya going with that mask I found?
And I feel, and I feel
When the dogs begin to smell her
Will she smell alone?

When the dogs do find her
Got time, time, to wait for tomorrow
To find it, to find it, to find it
When the dogs do find her
Got time, time, to wait for tomorrow
To find it, to find it, to find it

My kids and I went for a bike ride tonight, only I wasn't riding very fast, because I kept having to stop to crunch the shelves of ice with my boots. Love that sound and feeling -- it never gets old!

Lost in My Mind

Last night I had some dreams that involved the New Englander. We were somewhere unfamiliar -- it seemed like it might have been some sort of amusement park in Mexico. I kept worrying about him being lost, and feeling like the last time I had seen him might really be the last time I saw him. I guess that's not super far off of real life, since I don't think it is likely that I will see him again.

I heard this song today, and thought it apropos since the New Englander was indeed lost in my mind:

Put your dreams away for now
I won't see you for some time
I am lost in my mind
I get lost in my mind

Momma once told me
You're already home where you feel loved
I am lost in my mind
I get lost in my mind

Oh my brother
Your wisdom is older than me
Oh my brother
Don't you worry 'bout me

Don't you worry
Don't you worry, don't worry about me

How's that bricklayin' comin'?
How's your engine runnin'?
Is that bridge gettin' built?
Are your hands gettin' filled?
Won't you tell me, my brother?

'Cause there are stars
Up above

We can start
Moving forward

Lost in my mind
Lost in my mind
Oh I get lost in my mind
Lost, I get lost

I get lost in my mind
Lost in my mind
Yes I get lost in my mind,
Lost, I get lost
I get lost

Oh I get lost

It's true. Sometimes I do. But I am trying, as much as I can, to keep from letting my mind run off...

Let's Be Still

Today I attended my first ever hot yoga class. It was a 90 minute, Bikram sequence in a 105 degree room. I went at the suggestion of a friend -- and I'd been meaning to check out the studio (which is about a mile from my house) for a while. I'd heard a lot of negative things about hot yoga, but also know people who swear by it, and now seemed like a great time to try it.

It was crazy cold today -- below zero when I got up -- and the hundred degree differential was a little overwhelming at first. But I found that the heat (and perhaps the sequence, but definitely the heat) allowed me to let go in a way that I haven't in a long, long time.

On the way home, I heard this song. It seems fitting because there are a whole bunch of really short savasanas (or rests) during the sequence, and they seem to come right when they're needed:

If things don't slow down soon we might not last.
So just for the moment, let's be still.

You can get lost in the music for hours, honey,
You can get lost in a room.
We can play music for hours and hours
But the sun'll still be coming up soon.

The world's not forgiving
Of everyone's fears.

Here come my two favorite lines:

The days turn into months, the months turn into years.

It happens, you know? It happens with relationships, it happens with jobs, it happens with kids. All the important things in life. From where I sit right now, this piece of advice seems so critical:

So just for the moment, let's be still

There tearing down
So we can rebuild
And all this time
Is just circles in my mind
So just for a moment,
Just one moment,
Just for a moment let's be still
Just for a moment let's be still
Just for a moment let's be still
Just for a moment let's be still.

The world's just spinning
A little too fast
If things don't slow down soon we might not last.
The world's not forgiving
Of everyone's fears.
The days turn into months the months turn into years.
So just for a moment, let's be still

Yes. Let's. And let's listen to what our hearts say during stillness...

If It Hadn't Been For Love

I checked out Adele's Live at Royal Albert Hall from the library, and I've been listening to it pretty much nonstop. The song that is speaking to me most is one I've already blogged about: Turning Tables.

Every so often it happens that a song becomes more compelling in the moment than it was when I originally chose to blog about it (or so it seems in retrospect). I've considered repeating songs or even deleting the old post, but both just seem out of whack with the spirit of this blog.

In this instance, I've decided to share the lines that I'm feeling the strongest about from the song I've already used:

I can't keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb, I can't breathe

So I won't let you close enough to hurt me
No, I won't ask you, you to just desert me
I can't give you what you think you gave me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables

...and then choose a new song from the same artist that has a similar message:

Never would have hitch hiked to Birmingham
If it hadn't been for love
Never woulda caught the train to Louisiana
If it hadn't been for love

Never woulda run through the blindin' rain
Without one dollar to my name
If it hadn't been, if it hadn't been for love

Never woulda seen the trouble that I'm in
If it hadn't been for love
Woulda been gone like a wayward wind
If it hadn't been for love

Nobody knows it better than me
I wouldn't be wishing I was free
If it hadn't been, if it hadn't been for love

Except in this case, the new song from the same artist is actually a cover -- the original is by The Steeldrivers.

Now I don't regret loving the New Englander, but the experience did get me in touch with just what I'm capable of doing in the name of love.

When I was in the throes of it, I truly could not imagine ever feeling differently. And I don't feel differently about loving him, but I do feel differently about allowing myself to be hurt by his cycle of appearing and disappearing:

I can't keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb, I can't breathe

So I won't let you close enough to hurt me
No, I won't ask you, you to just desert me
I can't give you what you think you gave me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables

Yes it is. And actually doing that feels like the kindest thing I have done for myself in a long, long time...

My Heart

I started this post early in the morning today, and when I went back to it, I realized I hadn't said exactly what I thought I'd wanted to say:

I'm learning to trust what my hurt tells me, letting it lead while still being grounded in the world.

I meant to say what my heart tells me. Freudian slip, perhaps? Or just an indication of the condition that my heart is in at the moment, maybe? I'm not sure, but I do know that when my subconscious speaks, I try to listen.

This beautiful song is from the soundtrack of Still Alice, which I saw at Sundance on Sunday:

My heart
What have I done to you?
Sadness, no disappointments
If I want to own you
If I want what yours
If I always want to own you

No sadness
No disappointments
No tiredness
Could get through my skin
And I woke up
Was crying in my sleep
And the bitterness
Was littered under my skin

And what this song underscores for me is that I don't want to live in a space where I have to brace my heart on a nearly daily basis. I want to be free to listen to my heart and behave accordingly, and more than that, I also want to be around others who do the same...

One Day More

Tonight at Alanon I was talking to a friend about my imminent departure and we both thought of this song from Les Mis at the same time:

One day more!
Another day, another destiny.
This never-ending road to Calvary;
These men who seem to know my crime
Will surely come a second time.
One day more!

I did not live until today.
How can I live when we are parted?

One day more.

Tomorrow you'll be worlds away
And yet with you, my world has started!

One more day all on my own.

Will we ever meet again?

One more day with him not caring.

I was born to be with you.

What a life I might have known.

And I swear I will be true!

But he never saw me there!

One more day before the storm!

Do I follow where she goes?

At the barricades of freedom.

Shall I join my brothers there?

When our ranks begin to form

Do I stay; and do I dare?

Will you take your place with me?

The time is now, the day is here

One day more!

I love Les Mis. And I love that I'm about to take my own brand of revolution to a space where it is more widely accepted. I don't know exactly what that space looks like, but I trust that it will be revealed:

Tomorrow we'll discover
What our God in Heaven has in store!
One more dawn
One more day
One day more!