Talk

Nonviolent Communication works its magic at B4C workshop

This morning I had the honor of helping facilitate the first ever Breathe for Change two hour workshop on Transformation of the Self at a small, local high school.

It was magical, in no small part thanks to the work of Marshall Rosenberg's Center for Nonviolent communication.

What a powerful process! You can visit this website to access all of the resources, but basically the process has four parts:

1) State an observation about something that happened or something someone did or said that affected your life in some way. Do not include judgement about this or how you feel about it.

2) Use the feelings inventory to state how the thing that happened or that was said made you feel, using at least three words from the list.

3) Use the needs inventory to say that you had the feelings you just mentioned based on your need(s) for at least three needs from the needs inventory.

4) Make a specific request that would enrich your life, preferably one that can be answered yes or no.

I practiced this today, along with the other participants, and relearned how powerful it is and how straightforward it can make communicating even about difficult topics.

Today's song, brought to you by Coldplay, is all about the importance of communication:

Oh brother, I can't, I can't get through
I've been trying hard to reach you 'cause I don' know what to do
Oh brother, I can't believe it's true
I'm so scared about the future, and I wanna talk to you
Oh, I wanna talk to you

You can take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or a write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done

Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?
Tell me, how do you feel?
Well, I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak
And they're talking it to me

So you take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done
Or do something that's never been done

So you don't know where you're going and you wanna talk
And you feel like you're going where you've been before
You tell anyone who'll listen, but you feel ignored
Nothing's really making any sense at all, let's talk
Let's talk, let's talk, let's talk

Yes, let's!

Prairiesong

My kid's in back in white with the mallet

I didn't leave the house today until after 7 pm which is super unusual for me.

I didn't get up for practice, also unusual, going back to sleep instead and waking up three hours later!

Guess I was tired and needed the sleep. I had a productive day overall -- got lots done in my home office with the beautiful view showcased in yesterday's post -- but it was a little lonely.

When I arrived at my son's orchestra concert, I got to briefly check in with my daughter, who was there with a friend, but then I found a seat by myself. I wasn't much enjoying the experience -- didn't necessarily feel worth venturing out on a cold night for -- until my kid took the stage.

Wow! So impressed with my budding percussionist. Thank goodness he didn't get his sense of timing or rhythm from his Mama!

One Day

The view from my living room is incredible right now!

This morning a super cute guy I recently met came over to do yoga with me in my living room -- can't beat the view right now as displayed in the photo.

We have a lot going for us as a duo - for starters he loves practicing Ashtanga and that's definitely one of the ways to my heart. We also laugh a lot when we're together, connect on a heart level, and he gives as good a hug as I do (something I can't say for a lot of people).

But... yes, there is a but. He is not yet divorced, and has yet to find his way through the quagmire that comes with the dissolution of a marriage. In other words, we're in pretty different places in terms of readiness for something real.

Anyway, this morning he told me about the amazing Matisyahu concert he went to last night -- I had never heard of him -- but his music (at least this song) seems pretty cool:

Sometimes I lay
Under the moon
And thank God I'm breathing
Then I pray
Don't take me soon
'Cause I am here for a reason

Sometimes in my tears I drown
But I never let it get me down
So when negativity surrounds
I know some day it'll all turn around because...

All my life I've been waiting for
I've been praying for
For the people to say
That we don't wanna fight no more
There will be no more wars
And our children will play
One day
One day
One day
One day
One day
One day

Yes, Matisyahu, one day I will meet a cute guy who enjoys doing Ashtanga with me, makes me laugh, is awesome to talk to, gives great hugs AND is ready for a relationship.

One day...

Almost Lover

Heard this beautiful song today:

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

And I have to admit I felt a little of "enough with the songs about the pain of breakups" -- but there's a reason there are so many songs about it. So much material there. Takes such a long time to sort it all out. I'm just now at the point where I can revisit the writing that I did after the New Englander left more than two years ago now. It's really, really raw, as I was for a long time:

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So now you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

I feel grateful to be at the point now where I can do most things that were too painful to do without him when he left, at least the things that are possible to do alone.

That other stuff -- he was, after all, my all the way lover (and almost husband) -- that just isn't something I've been able to recreate on my own and I've yet to find someone suitable to take his place...

Mr. Know It All

On my way home from practice this morning, this song was playing in the car:

Mr. Know It All
Well ya think you know it all
But ya don't know a thing at all
Ain't it, ain't it something y'all
When somebody tells you something 'bout you
Think that they know you more than you do
So you take it down another pill to swallow

Mr. Bring Me Down
Well ya, ya like to bring me down, don't you?
But I ain't laying down, baby, I ain't goin' down
Can't nobody tell me how it's gonna be
Nobody's gonna make a fool out of me
Baby, you should know that I lead not follow

Oh you think that you know me, know me
That's why I'm leaving you lonely, lonely
'Cause baby you don't know a thing about me
You don't know a thing about me
You ain't got the right to tell me
When and where to go, no right to tell me
Acting like you own me lately
Yeah baby you don't know a thing about me
You don't know a thing about me

And during the chorus, I started to cry. That's right, to this goofy Kelly Clarkson song, specifically that last line. Because there's nothing more tragic, in a breakup, then no longer getting to know the person you loved so dearly and no longer having them know you.

Except, perhaps, the feeling of wasted potential. That's a hard one too...

Hello

I heard this song for the first time yesterday:

Hello, it's me
I was wondering if after all these years
You'd like to meet, to go over everything
They say that time's supposed to heal ya
But I ain't done much healing

Hello, can you hear me?
I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be
When we were younger and free
I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet

There's such a difference between us
And a million miles

Hello from the other side
I must've called a thousand times to tell you
I'm sorry, for everything that I've done
But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I've tried to tell you
I'm sorry, for breaking your heart
But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore

Hello, how are you?
It's so typical of me to talk about myself
I'm sorry, I hope that you're well
Did you ever make it out of that town
Where nothing ever happened?

It's no secret
That the both of us are running out of time

So, hello from the other side
I must've called a thousand times to tell you
I'm sorry, for everything that I've done
But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I've tried to tell you
I'm sorry, for breaking your heart
But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore

Ooooohh, anymore
Ooooohh, anymore
Ooooohh, anymore
Anymore

Dang Adele, you do know how to tug at the heartstrings!

Calling All Angels

Got home this afternoon to a kitchen full of dishes and stuff everywhere. As I tried to summon the energy to tackle it, this song popped into my head:

I need a sign to let me know you're here
All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere
I need to know that things are gonna look up
'Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup

When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head
When you feel the world shake from the words that are said

And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels

I'm going to need some sort of assistance as the days get shorter, it's finally starting to get colder, and I get busier with work commitments.

Took the day off from practice today and I often don't feel as good on those days. The run this afternoon helped, though I'm not running enough to feel really great during the run itself. It helps that I've started running on Fridays with a couple of friends for exactly this reason:

I won't give up if you don't give up
I won't give up if you don't give up
I won't give up if you don't give up
I won't give up if you don't give up

That's also how I got through those 30 days without chocolate or sweets -- by being accountable to my friend in Boulder who was doing it with me.

Our people are important, that's for sure, but so is letting go and letting forces for good in the unseen help take care of you:

I need a sign to let me know you're here
'Cause my TV set just keeps it all from being clear
I want a reason for the way things have to be
I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me

And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels
Calling all you angels...

Will the Circle Be Unbroken

Mmmmmm mini peanut butter Snickers!

I felt amazing today for a whole bunch of reasons:

1) It was my first day OFF the Whole 30, so I finally got to treat myself to the mini peanut butter Snickers that has been sitting in my glove box for weeks;

2) I just finished a month of eating really well and as a result my body feels amazing;

3) It was yet another gorgeous fall day in Madison;

4) I had a great practice this morning;

5) And last but definitely not least, I had the honor of attending a meeting at the Madison Metropolitan School District Office with Breathe For Change to learn about the district's work with restorative circles and equity, two projects near and dear to my heart. We ended the meeting by saying how grateful we all are to each other for sharing in this work.

It was so damn beautiful. The only thing more beautiful is June Carter Cash and Johnny Cash singing this famous song about circles:

I was standing by the window
On one cold and cloudy day
When I saw the hearse come rolling
For to carry my mother away

Will the circle be unbroken
Bye and bye Lord, bye and bye
There's a better home awaiting
In the sky Lord, in the sky

I said to the undertaker
Undertaker please drive slow
For this lady you are carrying
Lord I hate to see her go

Will the circle be unbroken
Bye and bye Lord, bye and bye
There's a better home awaiting
In the sky Lord, in the sky

Oh, I followed close behind her
Tried to hold up and be brave
But I could not hide my sorrow
When they laid her in the grave

Will the circle be unbroken
Bye and bye Lord, bye and bye
There's a better home awaiting
In the sky Lord, in the sky

I went back home, the home was lonesome
Since my mother, she was gone
All my brothers and sisters crying
What a home so sad and alone

Will the circle be unbroken
Bye and bye Lord, bye and bye
There's a better home awaiting
In the sky Lord, in the sky

We sang songs of childhood
Hymns of faith that made us strong
Ones that mother maybelle taught us
Hear the angels sing along

Will the circle be unbroken
Bye and bye Lord, bye and bye
There's a better home awaiting
In the sky Lord, in the sky...

Home

Every once in a while, it feels appropriate to do a twofer, and this is one of those times. Working on my post last night, I was listening to Mumford and Sons Below My Feet on youtube.

When the song ended, this one immediately started to play:

I ran away in floods of shame
I'll never tell how close I came
As I crossed the Holland Road
Where you went left and I went right
As the moon hung proud and bright
You would have loved it here tonight

Spin me round, just to pin me down
On the cover of this strange bed
Spin me round, just to pin me down

Wrap up your questions, keep them down
Let the water lead us home
And I was sorry for what I'd done
And you were young I was not old
But our story was not told
But torn apart by greedy hands

Spin me round, just to pin me down
On the cover of this strange bed
Spin me round, just to pin me down

Spin me round, just to pin me down

I'll be home in a little while
Lover, I'll be home
And I'll be home
In a little while, lover I'll be home

The song is beautiful, but even more than that, I was struck by a comment that someone else posted. He said that it reminded him of a Welsh word, hireath, which doesn't have a direct translation but is something along the lines of: "a homesickness for a home you cannot return to, or that never was." 

Man do I ever feel that meaning. I think that's what so much of my grief is about -- the home I didn't have when I was a child -- the home with two parents who loved each other that I didn't get to give my kids -- and the home with the New Englander which I reckon I felt hireath about starting way back that first winter that he lived in Madison -- so late 2011. 

And I'll be home in a little while
Lover, I'll be home
And I'll be home in a little while
Lover, I'll be home

Yes you will, mystery man and soon-to-be lover. Yes you will.

Below the Feet

Tonight I joined a group of women for a writing group. Many of them have been getting together for 10 years once a month to write and share together. I love the concept, and really appreciated their willingness to welcome me into the group.

I told the group leader that I'm working on a memoir, and the prompts she created for the evening were meant to provoke writing about our past, present or future.

It was super interesting to me how much more poetic most of the women were than I am. It didn't even occur to me to write a poem, or write something free form. I think in general free form is hard for me -- this is one of the reasons why practicing Ashtanga works so well for me -- it's always the same container. I change how I show up for it -- mentally, physically -- but I always know what comes next.

One of the women mentioned this song in her writing:

You were cold as the blood through your bones
And the light which led us from our chosen homes
Well I was lost

And now I sleep
Sleep the hours and that I can't weep
When all I knew was steeped in blackened holes
I was lost

Keep the earth below my feet
For all my sweat, my blood runs weak
Let me learn from where I have been
Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn
Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn

And I was still
I was under your spell
When I was told by Jesus all was well
So all must be well

Just give me time
You know your desires and mine
So wrap my flesh in ivy and in twine
For I must be well

Keep the earth below my feet
For all my sweat, my blood runs weak
Let me learn from where I have been
Oh keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn
Oh keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn

And it felt fitting, especially the line about learning from where I  have been. My whole desire to write a memoir is based on me learning from where I've been, and sharing those lessons with others....

Mustang Sally

Some choice graffiti on a log in Kettle Moraine

Yesterday at my daughter's soccer game I was chatting with one of the parents about our favored outdoor activities. He's a climber -- loves to climb, indoors and out. I was particularly struck by something he said about climbing: "I love chaos and there's just so much chaos on a good climb!"

To some extent, I get it. My constitution is primarily pitta -- lots of fire -- so I like to be challenged -- and I'm not afraid to take risks. But I don't love chaos.

Mountain biking is perfect for me in that it is challenging and you have to be willing to take risks, but you're also following a trail. You might have to choose which logs to go over or how to go over a bunch of big rocks on the path, but there's a trail and you follow it, always trying to be ready for what's next even while you focus on what you're doing in the present moment.

While riding this afternoon -- on a gorgeous fall day -- I saw the message on the log pictured above.

And from that point on, The Commitments had joined my ride:

Mustang Sally, think you better slow your mustang down
Mustang Sally, think you better slow your mustang down
You been running all over the town now
Oh! I guess I'll have to put your flat feet on the ground

All you want to do is ride around Sally, ride, Sally, ride
All you want to do is ride around Sally, ride, Sally, ride
All you want to do is ride around Sally, ride, Sally, ride

One of these early mornings, oh, you gonna be wiping your weeping eyes
I bought you a brand new mustang 'bout nineteen sixty five
Now you come around signifying a woman, you don't want to let me ride
Mustang Sally, think you better slow your mustang down
You been running all over the town now
Oh! I guess I'll have to put your flat feet on the ground

All you want to do is ride around Sally, ride, Sally, ride
All you want to do is ride around Sally, ride, Sally, ride
All you want to do is ride around Sally, ride, Sally, ride

Ride I did, and BTW, I felt about a hundred times better both during and afterward doing this particular ride (on a long and challenging trail) than I did a month or two ago, before I was on the Whole 30. I'm thinking some of these dietary changes are gonna need to be permanent!

True Blue

I was 15 when this song (and album) came out:

I've had other guys
I've looked into their eyes
But I never knew love before
'Til you walked through my door

I've had other lips
I've sailed a thousand ships
But no matter where I go
You're the one for me, baby, this I know

'Cause it's true love
You're the one I'm dreaming of
Your heart fits me like a glove
And I'm gonna be true blue, baby, I love you

My cousin and I must have played it 100 times after we purchased it while spending a week at our family's summer cottage on Lake Michigan. We wrote the song lyrics in the sand. We were way into it.

Today he sent me a video he took at a recent Madonna concert during this song, and it brought me right back to those days when he and I used to ponder what true love was all about (we didn't have a clue and wouldn't for another decade or two).

But now we do know. He's married to a wonderful man, and I (sorta) recently had the opportunity to fall completely in love and be loved by an incredible man. I could've sworn it was true love -- maybe it was -- but it didn't turn out to be the happily ever after kind.

So while I might not be at this point yet:

No more sadness, I kiss it goodbye
The sun is bursting right out of the sky
I searched the whole world for someone like you
Don't you know, don't you know that it's

True love, oh baby, true love, oh baby
True love, oh baby, true love
It's true love, oh baby, true love, oh baby
True love, oh baby, true love

It's true, so if you should ever doubt
Wonder what love is all about
Just think back and remember dear
Those words whispered in your ear, I said

True love, oh baby, true love, oh baby
True love, oh baby, true love
It's true love, oh baby, true love, oh baby
True love, oh baby, true love
It's true love

I do know what it feels like, and I know how it happens. It doesn't happen because you're wearing something cute or manage to be a certain weight or say the right thing or do something really well -- that's what I used to think. But now I know it's much more magical than that, and I know I'll know it when I feel it again...

Veterinarian Song

Our perfect little guinea pig, Snickers, in brighter times

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say this is the most unconventional song I've ever posted:

It’s a veterinarian’s song

About animal diseases

Wherever you go

You see that animals are love

We do everything we can

To keep them alive

But I have a good reason. We lost our beloved guinea pig, Snickers, last night, and literally the only thing that made the whole situation bearable was the vet that we saw when we went to the hospital. She was so awesome. She patiently explained all of our options, wrote them down on a whiteboard with prices attached, and let us consider our options.

Which, by the time we brought her in, were to do a bunch of expensive tests and try to figure out what was wrong with her or put her to sleep. (She was too skinny and sick to just bring her back home.)

Many tears were shed, many of them mine, and we decided that at the age of 4, Snickers might have a few more good years in her (average life expectancy is 5-8 years), so we elected to let her stay overnight and have the tests.

When I awoke, bright and early this morning, there was a message from the vet saying that poor little Snickers had passed away sometime between 10 pm and midnight. The message was SO sweet. She called Snickers a perfect little guinea pig, and said she was so so sorry they couldn't save her.

I just adored this woman. So good, so earnest, so lovely. Kinda like the vet dude who wrote this sweetly hilarious song:

Animals should be loved

I’m a fan
My profession is my life

I have a dog
three cats and an understanding wife
The good relationship
between animal and vet
is a good reason to be glad

Veterinarian
Animals should be loved
Veterinarian
Please help again

He may be a bit of an odd duck, but he is right on with these lyrics:

May she rest in peace (in our backyard)

Different people
With their pets
Some leave happy
Some leave sad
Animals with a long life
Are good for our soul
and our lives

Animals should be loved

The children grow up
And we get older too
The neverending friendship
Between pets and ourselves is priceless
The oldest don't want to lose their best friend
They don't want to accept that it could be the end

It's true. We didn't want to accept it. But we didn't really have a choice. It was just her time. We never even figured out what was wrong with her -- what made her get sick and lose all that weight in the first place.

My kids were sad that she died in the hospital, and they didn't get to say goodbye, but I felt like we did. We wrapped her little body up, covered her with the beautiful red maple leaves that are just starting to turn in our backyard, and took turns talking about what a wonderful addition to our family this little lady was for all of us.

After the funeral, I was giving my son a ride to his Dad's house, and he was lamenting the fact that he'd now lost both of the pets he was closest to -- Snickers at my house and his cat Gracie at his Dad's -- who died last summer. I felt for him.

Then he mentioned that he was sad that he was starting to forget what Gracie looked like, outside of pictures, and what she felt like.

"I know exactly what you mean, honey, " I said, tears rolling down my face for what felt like the 40th time that day, "I feel the same way about the New Englander (except I used his name), except he's not dead, just gone from my life."

I guess that's just something you go through when you love and lose someone, we decided. And it hurts like crazy, but there's no way around it...

Believe It or Not

Drowning my sick guinea pig sorrows in Gilmore Girls tonight, I perked right up when one of the characters requested this old fave as his official campaign song:

Look at what's happened to me,
I can't believe it myself;
Suddenly I'm up on top of the world,
Should've been somebody else.

Believe it or not,
I'm walkin' on air,
I never thought I could feel so free;
Flyin' away on a wing and a pray'r,
Who could it be?
Believe it or not, it's just me.

Just like the light of new day,
It hit me from out of the blue;
Breakin' me out of the spell I was in,
Makin' all of my wishes come true.

Yep, this is one of those songs that it is impossible for me to be in a bad mood while I'm listening to it, even when, say, our family guinea pig is spending the night at the vet school to the tune of hundreds of dollars worth of tests to say why she's lost so much weight:

Believe it or not,
I'm walkin' on air,
I never thought I could feel so free;
Flyin' away on a wing and a pray'r,
Who could it be?
Believe it or not, it's just me...

Fresh

The happy hikers

What a phenomenally gorgeous day! With our camping trip canceled because of our sick critter, I think we were all relieved when we arrived at Devil's Lake today for our hike.

With the possible exception of the swarms of people and asian beetles, we had a wonderful time.

My kids' only other complaint was the radio station I was playing on the way home.

Come on! Who doesn't love a little Kool and the Gang?

Conversation is going 'round
People talking 'bout the girl who's come to town
Lovely lady, pretty as can be
No one knows her name she's just a mystery

I have seen her maybe once or twice
The one thing I can say is, she's very nice
She's a lady, one I really want to know
Somehow I've got to let my feeling show

She's fresh, exciting
She's so exciting to me
She's fresh, exciting
She's so inviting to me, yeah

I've been thinking about the way you walk
Baby, I like the way you talk
Tell you something I really can't hide

So grown up!

Heaven must have sent you to be by my side

Fresh and lovely like a dream come true
I'll give anything to spend the night with you
What a feeling and I can't stop it baby
Miss frisky lady take me away

She's fresh, exciting
She's so exciting to me, yeah
She's fresh, exciting
So inviting to me, yeah

Fresh as a summer breeze
She'll take you by surprise
She means so much to me
I'll do whatever to make her mine, baby
Oh yeah

Speaking of fresh new things, guess who was behind the wheel for the first time today?

Live Like You Were Dyin'

 A fire's not quite the same in the driveway!

Ever since my trip to Copper Harbor, I've been daydreaming about waking up in the tent with my little birds. When I saw that the weather was supposed to be beautiful this weekend, I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to go camping.

I was wrong. My son didn't feel comfortable leaving our sick guinea pig at home alone, even for 24 hours. So we compromised: stay home tonight, leave in the morning for the state park where we were going to camp and at least spend the super warm October day out in nature.

My daughter and I went to the hardware store and purchased a fire pit so that she could cook her hot dogs and the kids could eat s'mores. Not having a s'more -- because it is day 19 of the Whole 30 for me -- sucked. But I managed.

My daughter and I have also spent a lot of the day -- actually a lot of the last three days -- laughing together, which has felt pretty awesome.

I've had this song in my head for DAYS, and while our adventures were curtailed this weekend, it does feel like we are embracing life the best way we know how:

He said I was in my early 40's
With a lot of life before me
And a moment came that stopped me on a dime
I spent most of the next days, lookin' at the x-rays
Talkin' 'bout the options and talkin' 'bout sweet time
Asked him when it sank in, that this might really be the real end
How's it hit ya, when you get that kind of news
Man what ya do
And he says

I went sky divin'
I went rocky mountain climbin'
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull name Fumanchu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I've been denying
And he said someday I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin'

Like tomorrow was a gift and you've got eternity
To think about what you do with it,
What could you do with it, what can
I do with with it, what would I do with it.

Tomorrow is most definitely a gift, as was today...

Better Together

Sunrise on my bike ride this morning

Last night I went to a power flow yoga class with a couple of friends. Power flow isn't my favorite style of yoga but I had already done Ashtanga and I do enjoy the person who teaches the Tuesday night class. He reminds me a bit of my favorite cousin whom I adore and my friend and I always end up giggling in his class.

During savasana, he played this song, which came back to me on my bikeride to practice this morning:

There is no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard
No song that I could sing, but I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a, shoebox of photographs
With sepia-toned loving
Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing, it's always better when we're together

And I thought about the change I've undergone in the last six months or so. I now know, in a way that I didn't before, that I am an amazing partner in so many ways. And I know I deserve an amazing partner. And I know I didn't have one with my last boyfriend. And I know I will have one when the time is right.

And when I do, this will be true, I am quite sure:

Mmm, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, we'll look at the stars when we're together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

And all of these moments
Just might find their way into my dreams tonight
But I know that they'll be gone
When the morning light sings
And brings new things
For tomorrow night you see
That they'll be gone too
Too many things I have to do
But if all of these dreams might find their way
Into my day to day scene
I'd be under the impression
I was somewhere in between
With only two
Just me and you
Not so many things we got to do
Or places we got to be
We'll sit beneath the mango tree now

Yeah, it's always better when we're together
Mmm, we're somewhere in between together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

Mmm, mmm, mmm

The Weight

This morning on my ride to work, I decided to take the scenic route along the lake. We've had the most gorgeous Fall so far -- so lovely and warm. Today it is supposed to be 70!

I'm also happy to report that the inner jukebox, which has been quiet lately, provided not one but two songs for my journey, both with the same theme. I love it when that happens! One I've blogged about in the past -- Carry That Weight by the Beatles.

And the other:

Take a load off, Fanny
Take a load for free
Take a load off, Fanny
And (and) (and) you put the load right on me
(You put the load right on me)

Well, I learned something about this second one -- I always thought it was take a load off Annie!

In any case, the message that the music is trying to deliver is pretty clear to me: Take a load off. Stop carrying that weight.

I'm trying. My body is definitely changing rapidly on the Whole 30 -- my practice partners can't believe that I can now bind and put my feet together in Supta Kurmasana. (I can't cross my feet yet and I can't do it myself -- but I was so far from even being able to fold forward that much before I went on this anti-inflammation diet!

I'm hoping and thinking that I will be able to let go of other things I've been hanging onto in the process, just like my friend Fanny:

Take a load off, Fanny
Take a load for free
Take a load off, Fanny
And (and) (and) you put the load right on me
(You put the load right on me)

Into Dust

It's been a bit of a rough stretch and today didn't feel any more comfortable despite some good things that happened. I decided to give myself a double dose of yoga (which sometimes helps when I'm just not feeling comfortable in my own skin).

I'd never been to the class before, but I had been to one other class with this teacher. She's lovely, but I wanted to kill her when she had us hanging out not once, not twice, but three times in Malasana (a deep squat). Yep, those hips of mine are holding onto stuff -- and if other yoga teachers I've had are correct -- both our exes and our parents (!) live in our hips.

Somewhere along the way -- not sure if it was squat number two or number three -- the tears started to come. I didn't want to give into them too much in a room full of people I didn't know -- so I kept my grieving quiet until the teacher had the audacity to play Mazzy Star's Fade Into You. (You need only click that link to read the short post I wrote nearly five years ago now about that song).

Luckily it was during savasana (where everyone is lying on their back with their eyes closed), because the tears definitely picked up steam when I heard Mazzy's voice.

Since I've already used the song that played in yoga today, here's a song from Mazzy with a more apt title for what became of that once-so-promising love:

Still falling
Breathless and on again
Inside today
Beside me today
Around broken in two
'Till you eyes shed
Into dust
Like two strangers
Turning into dust
'Till my hand shook with the way I fear

I could possibly be fading
Or have something more to gain
I could feel myself growing colder
I could feel myself under your fate
Under your fate

It was you breathless and tall
I could feel my eyes turning into dust
And two strangers turning into dust
Turning into dust

Gravity Rides Everything

The sky on my bike ride to the soccer game

Last night I had a nightmare about dead mice being stuck in all sorts of crevices in my house including between the windowpanes. Lots of dead mice. Shudder.

So when I woke up I did two internet searches -- the first to see what dead mice in dreams is believed to signify:

"To see a dead mouse in your dream implies that you are not letting minor issues bother you. You are not letting your own fears get in the way of what you want. Alternatively, a dead mouse indicates that there is something that you have ignored or neglected for too long."

Hmmm. The main thing I am ignoring is that there very well may be another dead mouse on my basement floor, but I've been too afraid to go check it out.

When it comes to my work, I'm not letting my own fears get in the way of what I want. Not so sure about my social life/love life. Maybe it was just me, but I felt like the teacher at the yoga class I went to on Friday evening was targeting me each time he suggested the need to open our hearts. I'm trying!

I'm definitely feeling the need to branch out a bit and plan more activities on the weekends when I don't have the kids. I was feeling pretty pissed off again about not getting to eat what I want and then I decided to bike to my daughter's soccer game. Although it was chilly, it was also beautiful and enlivening.

I've been really tired this weekend too: Sleeping eight hours and then still wanting a two hour nap. Not sure if it's the change in the weather or the change in my diet but dang, that's a lot of sleep!

Anyway, the second search was for a Modest Mouse song, and this one felt apropos for this bicyclist yoga teacher:

Oh gotta see, gotta know right now
What's that riding on your everything?
It isn't anything at all

Oh gotta see, gotta know right now
What's that writing on your shelf
In the bathrooms and the bad motels?
No one really cared for it at all
Not the gravity plan
Early, early in the morning
It pulls all on down my sore feet
I wanna go back to sleep
In the motions and the things that you say
It all will fall, fall right into place

As fruit drops, flesh it sags
Everything will fall right into place
When we die, some sink and some lay
But at least I don't see you float away
And all the spilt milk, sex and weight
It all will fall, fall right into place

On some level, I believe this to be true. It will all fall right into place when it's ready. In the meantime, it's my job to figure out my role in the process, and right now it feels like I'm going through a transition...