Say You Won't Let Go

I kept hearing this song leading up to my trip to visit my man, and then while visiting him, I kept feeling this song:

I met you in the dark
You lit me up
You made me feel as though
I was enough
We danced the night away
We drank too much
I held your hair back when
You were throwing up

Then you smiled over your shoulder
For a minute I was stone-cold sober
I pulled you closer to my chest
And you asked me to stay over
I said, I already told you
I think that you should get some rest

I knew I loved you then
But you'd never know
'Cause I played it cool when I was scared of letting go
I knew I needed you
But I never showed
But I wanna stay with you
Until we're grey and old
Just say you won't let go
Just say you won't let go

I wake you up with some breakfast in bed
I'll bring you coffee
With a kiss on your head
And I'll take the kids to school
Wave them goodbye
And I'll thank my lucky stars for that night

When you looked over your shoulder
For a minute, I forget that I'm older
I wanna dance with you right now, oh
And you look as beautiful as ever
And I swear that every day you'll get better
You make me feel this way somehow

I'm so in love with you
And I hope you know
Darling, your love is more than worth its weight in gold
We've come so far my dear
Look how we've grown
And I wanna stay with you
Until we're grey and old
Just say you won't let go
Just say you won't let go

I wanna live with you
Even when we're ghosts
'Cause you were always there for me
When I needed you most

I'm gonna love you 'til
My lungs give out
I promise till death we part
Like in our vows
So I wrote this song for you
Now everybody knows
That it's just you and me
Until we're grey and old
Just say you won't let go
Just say you won't let go

I won't let go...

All Night

We had some fun on this visit. We went to cool places. We did some cool stuff.

Mostly, we were together. And that's the best part. It leaves both of us feeling so excited, and so at peace, with our decision to spend our lives together.

Yesiree, all night, for all the nights. And I couldn't be happier about that!

I found the truth beneath your lies
And true love never has to hide
Trade your broken wings for mine
I've seen your scars and kissed your crimes

So many people that I know, they're just tryna touch ya
Kiss up and rub up and feel up
Kiss up and rub up and feel up on ya
Give you some time to prove that I can trust ya again
I'm gonna kiss up and rub up and feel up
Kiss up and rub up and feel up on ya

All night long...
(All night yeah)

Good love
All night long...
(All night yeah)

Sweet love
All night long...
(All night yeah)

Love
All night long...
(All night yeah)

All I wanna
Be no other
Be together
I remember
Sweet love
All night long...

My love was stronger than your pride
Beyond your darkness I'm your light
You get deep you touch my mind
Baptize your tears and dry your eyes

So many people I know that they just trying to touch you
Kiss up and rub up and feel up
Kiss up and rub up and feel up on ya
Give you some time to prove that I can trust ya again
I'm gonna kiss up and rub up and feel up
Kiss up and rub up and feel up on ya

All night long...
(All night yeah)

Good love
All night long...
(All night yeah)

Sweet love
All night long...
(All night yeah)

Love
All night long...
(All night yeah)

All I wanna
Be no other
Be together
I remember
Sweet love
All night long...

They say true love's the greatest weapon
To win the war caused by pain
But every diamond has imperfections
But my love's too pure to watch it chip away

Boy nothing real can be threatened
True love breathes salvation back into me
With every tear came redemption
And my torturer became my remedy

So many people I know that they just trying to touch you
Kiss up and rub up and feel up
Kiss up and rub up and feel up on ya
Give you some time to prove that I can trust ya again
I'm gonna kiss up and rub up and feel up
Kiss up and rub up and feel up on ya

All night long...
(All night yeah)

Good love
All night long...
(All night yeah)

Sweet love
All night long...
(All night yeah)

Love
All night long...

All I wanna
Be no other
Be together
I remember
Sweet love
All night long...

How I missed you, my love

Crimson and Clover

Skiing in the mountains is such a treat! Smuggler's Notch, VT

My man and I stayed in a little mountain cabin for a couple of days in Vermont. It was a perfect little hideaway, with pretty non-existent internet access, which was mostly a good thing.

He's a waaaayyyyy better skier than I am, and I'm self-conscious about that. I wish I was better. But growing up in the Midwest in the family that I did, and marrying the man I married, well, it just hasn't worked out that way. At least not up to this point.

Which didn't really matter all that much to either one of us: I kept telling him he could go off and ski harder stuff, and he kept deciding to stay by my side. I told him not to watch me when I was having trouble with a run that was too difficult right out of the gates; I got over myself soon after that and just laughed when I was in over my head.

This is one of the old school tunes we heard while cohabitating in Vermont:

Oh
Now I don't hardly know her
But I think I could love her
Crimson and clover

And it seems fitting somehow, especially with the way we got going - meeting at a wedding nearly 7 years ago now, and falling in love over the phone and email the last time he lived in New England and I lived here in Wisco:

Ah
I wish she'd come walking over
Now I've been waiting to show her
Crimson and clover
Over and over

So glad I did come walking over, at the groom's behest, all those years ago:

Yes (da-da, da-da, da-da)
My my, such a sweet thing (da-da, da-da, da-da)
I want to do everything (da-da, da-da, da-da)
What a beautiful feeling (da-da, da-da, da-da)
Crimson and clover (da-da, da-da, da-da)
Over and over

Yesiree: I want to do everything. Over and over. With him.

What a beautiful feeling indeed!

Crimson and clover, over and over
Crimson and clover, over and over
Crimson and clover, over and over
Crimson and clover, over and over
Crimson and clover, over and over
Crimson and clover, over and over

The House That Built Me

The Atlantic coastline, Marshfield, Mass.

The last time my man lived in Wisco, we took a trip to Indiana to attend a mountain biking and bluegrass festival. I didn't really realize it beforehand, but on the drive there I looked up and saw a mileage sign that read:

West Lafayette 22

"Wow," I remarked. "We're so close. I feel like we should go."

My boyfriend was game, and so we traveled back to the old neighborhood, saw my old house, my friend's houses, my elementary school, etc.

I hadn't been back in years, and the effect on me was chilling. I didn't have the language or the resources I have now to describe what was happening -- I know now I was triggered. Big time.

As a result, the weekend was HARD. It had it's upsides, including a successful mountain biking debut, and it was HARD in the way big feelings you don't know what to do with are hard.

That's all to say that for years I have been wanting to see where my boyfriend grew up. He didn't have a great desire to take me, but long distance stint #2 (which we are currently enjoying) provided a pretty perfect opportunity: He's living in New Hampshire right now, and I flew out for his birthday. Into Boston. Today.

And so he took me. And he showed me the house that built him, the ocean he swam in, the schools he went to, the woods he walked in, his friends' houses... and he was really good with it. He seemed to enjoy showing me, and it stimulated a lot of conversation about things from his past about which I'd been curious.

He and I were both pretty severely wounded by traumatic childhoods. This much is true. And this trip back to his hometown showed just how far we've come on our healing journeys, together and as a couple.

This Miranda Lambert song, which came to my attention before we made this trip, seems apropos:

I know they say you can't go home again
I just had to come back one last time
Ma'am I know you don't know me from Adam
But these handprints on the front steps are mine

Up those stairs in that little back bedroom
Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar
I bet you didn't know under that live oak
My favorite dog is buried in the yard

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it's like I'm someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself

If I could just come in I swear I'll leave
Won't take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am

Well Miranda, I guess sometimes you've gotta get lost in order to be found...

I Know

I've been wondering about this song since my favorite hot yoga teacher sang it for the first time while we were in savasana -- and then he sang it again tonight:

So be it, I'm your crowbar
If that's what I am so far
Until you get out of this mess
And I will pretend
That I don't know of your sins
Until you are ready to confess
But all the time, all the time
I'll know, I'll know

It's these next two lines that have been on repeat in my head:

And you can use my skin
To bury your secrets in
And I will settle you down
And at my own suggestion
I will ask no questions
While I do my thing in the background
But all the time all the time
I'll know I'll know

In some ways this song doesn't fit my experience with my man, and in some ways it does. It doesn't because the waiting time for us really wasn't about being with other people. We were never an affair.

And it does because I couldn't change the situation or make the time go faster or somehow ensure we'd end up together:

Baby-I can't help you out,
While she's still around
For the time being,
I'm being patient
And amidst this bitterness
If you'll just consider this
Even if it don't make sense
All the time give it time
And when the crowd becomes your burden
And you've early closed your curtains,
I'll wait by the backstage door
While you try to find
The lines to speak your mind
And pry it open, hoping for a encore
And if it gets too late, for me to wait
For you to find you love me, and tell me so
It's ok, don't need to say it

Patient I was. So patient. Because I knew, in the deepest part of me, he was my person. And we're both super grateful that it didn't get too late for me to wait before he was ready to declare me his...

Change

Today I learned that my new life -- in which the man I hoped would move in with me nearly four years ago is moving in with me and my kids -- is gonna start even sooner than I thought.

Over the past couple of weeks, I've been starting to prepare by making space: I cleaned out half of a big closet and two drawers for him. And I couldn't have done that if I hadn't also done the emotional work of letting go of this time in which it's all about me and my kids. I wouldn't trade it. I feel pretty sure that my kids feel like this home is a sanctuary for them, and so do I, which is huge. I didn't feel that in my childhood, I didn't feel that in my marriage.

I wouldn't invite just anyone into our sanctuary, and my kids and I, we wouldn't let just anyone into our hearts. He's in there, already, for all three of us -- so we have that going for us. He's conscious, considerate and conscientious -- so we have that going for us too.

There can be absolutely no question that this represents a major change for us :

Just when you were getting used to this place
You were getting used to these bones
You were getting used to the changes
Well the change won't leave you alone

And I see it as a learning opportunity, for all of us. That change won't leave you alone in your life. In the next couple of years, we're going to go through the New Englander moving in and then my oldest moving out, so I'm going to treat the former like a learning experience for all of us about major transitions in life:

You finally caught up with the pace
The tough just might have got going
You thought you could trust all the faces
Well they're only on one side of the coin

All these changes
Different stages
Turning page after page after page
It gets stranger day by day

(That last line feels like it's about the current President...)

Set your eyes straight up ahead
Don't look down when you cross
And pay no mind to time it's a punch line
The joke is on all of us

All these changes
Different stages
Turning page after page after page

Yep, we'll just keep turning page after page, hearts open, eyes open, mouths open for honest communication. Welcoming a new member into our family, into our home - even if he's not entirely new to us -- feels big.

In a good way...

Time After Time

Seeing that yesterday was spring forward day for our clocks, I thought for sure the song the teacher would use to serenade us in savasana at the end of hot yoga would be this classic:

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,
And think of you
Caught up in circles confusion -
Is nothing new
Flashback - warm nights -
Almost left behind
Suitcases of memories,
Time after -

I was wrong. It wasn't. Yesterday. I said something to him about it, and tonight, as we wrapped up another hot yoga practice, I smiled as he began to sing:

Sometimes you picture me -
I'm walking too far ahead
You're calling to me, I can't hear
What you've said -
Then you say - go slow -
I fall behind -
The second hand unwinds

If you're lost you can look - and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you - I'll be waiting
Time after time

After my picture fades and darkness has
Turned to gray
Watching through windows - you're wondering
If I'm OK
Secrets stolen from deep inside
The drum beats out of time -

If you're lost...

You said go slow -
I fall behind
The second hand unwinds -

If you're lost...
...Time after time
Time after time
Time after time
Time after time

One more week in my month of hot yoga. So good for me in the winter!

I Can't Wait

I read an article in the New Yorker about Stevie Nicks yesterday, and I've been listening to her ever since:

Yes, I know you
Sometime she talks to him
Sometimes when she's only dreaming
Then when she wakes up
Somehow she still believes him

Yes, I know you
Tho we've been out of touch
Yes, I know you
To be continued, it's too much baby

This song encapsulates a part of what the last four years has been for me. Having gotten to know, really know, the New Englander, I felt deep inside me that he was my person.

And then so many things happened to the contrary, for so long, while I kept feeling something akin to this:

I can't wait... I can't wait
Well, I've got to know when I can see you again, now baby
I can't wait... I can't wait
Am I wasting my time while you make up your mind
Well, I can't wait... I can't wait
Yes, I know you
Tho we've been out of touch
I can't wait... I can't wait
What can I do when I'm crazy for you

She wonders how many more hours
Her heart will feel broken
In secret she says she needs to see him
But no words are spoken

Hours? I wondered how many more years. And then finally, I let go:

She dances around in a circle
Well she's got that feeling now
Blame it on something at first sight
Put the blame on me if you want to
To be continued

And he came back. Figuratively, and very, very soon, he'll be back literally:

I can't wait... I can't wait
Am I wasting my time while you make up your mind
Well, I can't wait... I can't wait
I got to know when I can see you again
Well, I can't wait... I can't wait
I can't wait... I can't wait
I can't wait... I can't wait
How will we feel 20 years from now

I don't know how I'll feel, but I have a pretty good guess. When he moves in, it'll be just about 7 years from the day we met. "A respectable courtship" he quipped in a recent phone call. Yes, we had stuff to work out, but we've been crazy about each other since shortly after we met, and I don't see that changing anytime soon!

I'll Fly Away

I spent much of the day in bed today, which is one of my very favorite ways to spend a Saturday.

When I was up and about, cooking and such, I was watching Nashville. It was a super tearful episode, punctuated by this beautiful number:

Some bright morning when this life is over
I'll fly away
To that home on Gods celestial shore
I'll fly away

I'll fly away, oh glory
I'll fly away in the morning
When I die hallelujah by and by
I'll fly away

When the shadows of this life have gone
I'll fly away
Like a bird from these prison walls I'll fly
I'll fly away

I'll fly away, oh glory
I'll fly away in the morning
When I die hallelujah by and by
I'll fly away

Oh how glad and happy when we meet
I'll fly away
No more cold iron shackles on my feet
I'll fly away

I'll fly away oh glory
I'll fly away in the morning
When I die hallelujah by and by
I'll fly away

I'll fly away oh glory
I'll fly away in the morning
When I die hallelujah by and by
I'll fly away

Just a few more weary days and then
I'll fly away
To a land where joys will never end
I'll fly away

I love both of these women's voices -- Gillian Welch's, in particular, reminds me of a really different time in my life. A much sadder time, and still, a time of expansion from where I'd been for so long...

Adolfo

I went to the high school musical last night because my son was a percussionist in the pit. I was pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed it, particularly this song:

I'm sure that you have heard the name Adolpho
A ladies' man who wins acclaim, Adolpho
Well lovely miss I am the same Adolpho
I introduce myself, I am Adolpho

("Nice to Meet You, Shall We?")

"Not So Fast!"

So just in case you didn't hear, Adolpho
I'll try to make it very clear, Adolpho
The lovely ladies always cheer, Adolpho
When I repeat myself, I am Adolpho

("Understood!")

I can sing it Hi, Adolpho
I can sing it Low, Adolpho
I can sing it very fast, Adolpho
I can sing it very slow...ly

"I'd do it now, but it would take HOURS..."
"Now let's see if you can remember my name!"

("I'll give it a shot.")

Now who's the fella that you see? ("Adolpho")
And how should you refer to me? ("Adolpho")
And who is it I'll always be? ("Adolpho")
Now sing it proudly! ("You are Adolpho!")

Now let me spell it out for you!
"For all you lovely ladies that didn't hear for some reason because maybe you are, hard of hearing or something..."

It goes:
Aaaaah
Daa ha ha ha ha haLLLL
Ffff, ffff, ffooooooo AGH!

I ammm Adolpho!

"Adolpho!"

Too funny! I was, as per usual on a Friday night, super tired heading into the show. But as usual, seeing and hearing my son play touches something in me -- not to mention taking in the wonderful performances of his classmates...