Green Green Grass Of Home

Resting on the soft grounds of the Cal campus

Once when I was talking about moving to California when my kids go off to college, my Dad said he hoped it wasn't a case of me thinking the grass is greener.

Being out here, I realize that I don't just think it's greener, it is greener.

Just ask Tom Jones:

The old home town looks the same as I step down from the train,
and there to meet me is my Mama and Papa.
Down the road I look and there runs Mary hair of gold and lips like cherries.
It's good to touch the green, green grass of home.
Yes, they'll all come to meet me, arms reaching, smiling sweetly.
It's good to touch the green, green, grass of home.
The old house is still standing, tho' the paint is cracked and dry,
and there's that old oak tree that I used to play on.

Down the lane I walk with my sweet Mary, hair of gold and lips like cherries.
It's good to touch the green, green grass of home.
Yes, they'll all come to meet me, arms reaching, smiling sweetly.
It's good to touch the green, green grass of home.

Berkeley may not actually be my home yet, but it sure feels like it. More than any other place I've ever been...

Back to California

The house where my Dad grew up

On Claremont Ave in Berkeley

I used to come to Northern California at least once a year to visit my Grandmother, whom I loved dearly. But after she died, I didn't have as much reason to come back, especially not to Berkeley.

We loved this lemon tree as kids!

But Berkeley is where my Dad grew up, and where my Grandmother lived for most of her adult life before moving to Oakland when she sold her house.

When I learned about the yoga retreat in Berkeley, it just felt like it was time to go back.

Back to California:

I've been feelin' down in Atlanta
Immobile in Alabama
I'd rather be in traction
Than to be here where I am
Oh, you Georgia red clay
And green Virginia pines
I've got to make it home somehow
Before I lose my mind

So won't you carry me back to California
I've been on the road too long
Take me to the West Coast, daddy
And let me be where I belong

Pain of my Ancestors: It's for real

Hey now, Philly, you street city

Been down by the railroad track
I know you can be a sweet city
But I won't soon be back
Haystack towns and smokestack cities
Are nothin' I want to see
My own house on high ground
Is the only place I want to be

So won't you carry me back to California
I've been on the road too long
Take me to the West Coast, daddy
And let me be where I belong

I do feel like I belong here, but in some ways it was hard to come back. As soon as I arrived at my Dad's house, the tears started flowing, and I had the distinct feeling that they were not my tears, they were my Dad's. So I let them come, hoping that to feel them would help us both heal...

Africa

Making my way to Berkeley on BART

I landed in San Francisco at about 8:45 pm tonight. I'm here for an Ashtanga yoga workshop, and when I signed up I thought it was going to work out super perfectly because one of my Ashtanga buddies from Madison moved to Berkeley just over a year ago.

I got in touch with her, she and her partner were excited for me to stay with them, everything was working out great. And then, last week, she told me that she was leaving for Africa the day I arrived.

That's right Toto, Africa:

I hear the drums echoing tonight
But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversation
She's coming in, 12:30 flight
The moonlit wings reflect the stars that guide me towards salvation
I stopped an old man along the way
Hoping to find some long forgotten words or ancient melodies
He turned to me as if to say, "Hurry boy, it's waiting there for you"

It's gonna take a lot to take me away from you

The view from my friends' house in the Berkeley Hills

There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do
I bless the rains down in Africa
Gonna take some time to do the things we never had

The good news is she got a new job that she's excited about that will help teenage girls in Malawi get a secondary school education, something only six percent of them do right now.

The bad news is that she left her house at 9pm tonight to get to the airport, and I arrived at 9:50 pm...

Love is a Burden

I heard this song bright (actually it was still dark) and early this morning on my way to practice:

I've been sleepin' with a ghost of you
I've been walkin' in these same old shoes
I've been tryin' hard to leave you alone
I'd be lying if I said I let you go

Phew I thought to myself. Not my story anymore. And I gotta disagree with this song's premise:

Love is a burden
Love is a burden
It's bringing me down
It's bringing me down
Like a heavy load

Now I get that it can be hard sometimes when love doesn't work out. But a burden?

To borrow a word (or at least it's pronunciation) from my last love: Nawwwww.

Never. Love is a gift. It's a treasure. It lightens. It buoys. It lifts. It reinforces. It strengthens.

And I feel incredibly fortunate to know that...

Cold Beer With Your Name On It

I have a tendency to ride my bike in whatever I'm wearing, even when it's a short skirt or dress and heels. And it usually works out pretty well.

But today I happened to be wearing a pencil skirt that just kept riding higher and higher. And wouldn't you know that this would happen when a dude driving a truck and blaring this country number pulled up next to me at a red light:

I hear you're out there now and you're doing alright
A new lease on life in Hollywood
Riding around with the ragtop down
Bet the west coast sun looks good on you

Wasn't very long ago we were sitting
On a lost dirt road by the railroad tracks
If you ever think about that
And wonder where I'm at and wanna come back

I'm sitting on a tailgate in the middle of a stargaze
Wishing you were in my arms
Chilling right here, baby if you want it
I've got a cold beer with your name on it
Back 40 on a Friday night
Me and you dancing in the firelight
Girl you gotta admit it sounds pretty good, don't it?
I've got a cold beer with your name on it

Pop the top, kick back like we used to do
Sipping all night long to your favorite tunes
If you ever get tired of the concrete life,
Those honking horns, them flashing lights

Got a jar of shine if you need it,
Under the seat, you know where I keep it
Hey girl turn off your cell phone,
Put your blue jeans on, get back home

I'm sitting on a tailgate in the middle of a stargaze
Wishing you were in my arms
Chilling right here, baby if you want it
I've got a cold beer with your name on it
Back 40 on a Friday night
Me and you dancing in the firelight
Girl you gotta admit it sounds pretty good, don't it?
I've got a cold beer with your name on it

Cooler loaded down, picture perfect view
All that's missing now is… you

I'm sitting on a tailgate in the middle of a stargaze
Wishing you were in my arms
Chilling right here, baby if you want it
I've got a cold beer with your name on it
Back 40 on a Friday night
Me and you dancing in the firelight
Girl you gotta admit it sounds pretty good, don't it?

No sir, I'm afraid I don't.

Love Song

Boundless energy: Hitting the playground post soccer game

Parenting is such a gift, but like most things, sometimes it's easier than others. At the moment, my kids and I are in a really good groove.

We spent the majority of this weekend at my daughter's soccer tournament, and so many things were great about that:

1) The weather was gorgeous;

2) The other soccer moms and dads are super nice;

3) They won!

On the drive home, I heard this oldie, and while it isn't a perfect fit for today, it feels like a pretty good epitaph:

So you think that it's over,
That your love has finally reached the end.
Any time you call, night or day,
I'll be right there for you if you need a friend.

It's gonna take a little time.
Time is sure to mend your broken heart.
Don't you even worry, pretty darlin'.
I know you'll find love again
Yeah

Love is all around you
Love is knockin' outside your door.
Waitin' for you is this love made just for two
Keep an open heart and you'll find love again, I know.

Love is all around you, yeah
Love is knockin' outside your door.
Waitin' for you is this love made just for two
Keep an open heart and you'll find love again, I know.

Love will find a way.
Darlin', love is gonna find a way,
Find its way back to you.
Love will find a way.

So look around, open your eyes.
Love is gonna find a way.
Love is gonna, love is gonna find a way.
Love will find a way.

Love's gonna find a way back to you, yeah
I know, I know, I know, I know

Worth It

Heard this song during my soccer mom weekend extraordinaire:

Give it to me, I'm worth it
Baby, I'm worth it
Uh huh I'm worth it
Gimme gimme I'm worth it
Give it to me, I'm worth it
Baby, I'm worth it
Uh huh I'm worth it
Gimme gimme I'm worth it

Not my favorite song. Not my favorite lyrics. But an important message nonetheless, and one which I feel like these days, I embody:

Uh huh, you see me in the spotlight
"Ooh I love your style"
Uh huh show me what you got
'Cause I don't wanna waste my time
Uh huh see me in the spotlight
"Ooh I love your style"
Uh huh show me what you got now
Come and make it worth my while

Give it to me, I'm worth it
Baby, I'm worth it
Uh huh I'm worth it
Gimme gimme I'm worth it
Give it to me, I'm worth it
Baby, I'm worth it
Uh huh I'm worth it
Gimme gimme I'm worth it

Yup.

Help Me

Super hard to see but I'm wearing ear seeds!

Love me some Joni Mitchell. Apparently, so does President Obama, because today's song is another one from his nighttime summer playlist:

Help me
I think I'm falling
In love again
When I get that crazy feeling
I know I'm in trouble again
I'm in trouble
'Cause you're a rambler and a gambler
And a sweet taIking ladies man
And you love your lovin'
But not like you love your freedom

I picked this song today not because I'm falling in love too fast, but because once again, I made the choice today in the wake of my continued need to heal from trauma to reach out for help, this time from my acupuncturist:

Help me...

I think I'm falling
In love too fast
It's got me hoping for the future
And worrying about the past
'Cause I've seen some hot hot blazes
Come down to smoke and ash
We love our lovin'
But not like we love our freedom

Didn't it feel good
We were sitting there talking
Or lying there not talking
Didn't it feel good
You dance with the lady
With the hole in her stocking
Didn't it feel good
Didn't it feel good

And although what she was helping me heal was related to my first understandings about love more than it was related to a past, current or future love, I did have a male "visitor" while on the table. It was the image of a former colleague, someone of the tall, dark and handsome persuasion that has always been how I pictured my partner. I've never actually had a partner like that, but then again, I've never actually had a partner either.

I felt much better after my acupuncture treatment, had a good day at work, relished the beautiful bike ride home, made myself dinner:

Help me
I think I'm falling
In love with you
Are you going to let me go there by myself
That's such a lonely thing to do
Both of us flirting around
Flirting and flirting
Hurting too
We love our lovin'
But not like we love our freedom

Yes, Joni, I love my freedom. No doubt about it.

But falling in love is pretty awesome too when the time is right...

Is Your Love Big Enough?

View of the Capitol from Ironman finish line

It was a gorgeous day today, so I tried to balance my indoor and outdoor activities. I went to yoga, spent some time at a coffee shop doing some reading for my class, relaxed at home. And then I got outside: did a little weeding, swept out the garage, and made a plan to meet my daughter on bikes and head downtown to do some Ironman spectating.

The scene downtown was inspiring. So many athletes putting their bodies to the test. In previous years, we've been at the finish later in the day, but today we got to see the lead male runner heading for the homestretch and watch the lead female go through the chute. Wow!

Today's race was all the more momentous coming on the 15 year anniversary of the fall of the twin towers, which is why I chose this song off of President Obama's Summer Spotify playlist to mark the day:

Found myself in a second
I found myself in a secondhand guitar
Never thought it would happen
But I found myself in a secondhand guitar

So I've just got to know
I truly have to know
So you've got to let me know

Is your love big enough for what's to come?

Got so hot in the city
That I forgot everything I was looking for
Made my way to the dance floor
And I danced 'til I wasn't drunk anymore

So I've just got to know
I truly have to know
So you've got to let me know

Is your love big enough for what's to come?
Baby, let me know
Is your love big enough for past is done?
Baby, let me know

Underground, underground
With the friends I've found
Friends I've found

Underground, underground
With the friends I've found
Friends I've found

I scream, I scream on Second Avenue
I scream on Second Avenue

Is your love big enough for what's to come?
Baby, let me know
Is your love big enough for past is done?
Won't you let me know?

Is your love big enough for what's to come?
Is your love big enough, big enough?
Is your love big enough for what's to come?
Won't you let me know?

Is your love big enough for past is done?
Baby, let me know
Is your love big enough for what's to come?
Is your love big enough for what's to come?

It's a question we all need to ask ourselves.

I know my answer...

Life is Beautiful

Yesterday evening I had the pleasure and honor of returning to the woman with whom I've done most of the trauma recovery work for reiki.

Going into it, it felt like I was mostly back to myself after being triggered so heavily on that family vacation, but I still hadn't been able to find safety in my body again. My shoulders are super tight, and my hips. I startle easily, and I still sometimes wake up afraid in the wee hours of the morning.

Reclaiming that safety was my main intention for the session. I felt all kinds of energy moving during the session, but especially in my right knee, where for whatever reason, I'm holding on tight to something. Time will tell. I'm feeling more patient about that unraveling with every passing day.

At the very end of the session, an image came to me that was so beautiful I started to cry: It was an image from earlier today, when I was teaching yoga to three women in the jail. The sun was shining down through the door/window in the ceiling that the nice guards are always willing to open up for us. The women had just witnessed a fellow inmate overdosing and being revived, twice, earlier that morning. Two of them had never done yoga before. But the beauty of the four of us doing five half sun salutations - it was off the charts.

Which made me think about the movie Life is Beautiful, and choose this song for today:

Smile, without a reason why
Love, as if you were a child,
Smile, no matter what they tell you
Don't listen to a word they say
Cause life is beautiful that way.

Tears, a tidal wave of tears
Light, that slowly disappears
Wait, before you close the curtain
There is still another game to play
And life is beautiful that way

Here with his eyes forevermore
I will always be as close as you
Remember from before
Now that you're out there on your own
Remember what is real and
What we dream is love alone

Keep the laughter in you eyes
Soon your long awaited prize
We'll forget about our sorrows
And think about a brighter day
Cause life is beautiful that way.

Why is it that it is when we are about to die or are incarcerated that we so deeply appreciate the little things in life? I don't know, but I'm grateful for the opportunity to visit the jail and share in the level of presence that the women bring to the experience.

It's profound:

We'll forget about our sorrows
And think about a brighter day,
Cause life is beautiful that way
There's still another game to play
And life is beautiful that way.

Not Afraid

This afternoon as I headed to my office on Bascom Hill I was greeted by a stormy sky and a memorial to veterans. It was quite a sight, and veterans have been on my mind lately anyway.

A couple of weeks ago I started doing the 22 push ups per day challenge -- 22 for the number of vets who kill themselves every single day. It's such a startling number, and I was thinking about doing the challenge, but didn't really decide to do it until I heard an interview on WPT with a widow who lost her husband (and the father of her 2-year old) to suicide shortly after he returned from war.

I think I've written about this before, but I feel a kinship with veterans. They too are living with something daunting, and it takes courage every day to keep facing it.

It also takes support, and tools, and I think those are the things many veterans who take their own lives are lacking.

Thankfully, Eminem has given courage a sound that resonates with a whole lot of people -- I don't think I've ever seen a video with 817 million hits:

I'm not afraid (I'm not afraid)
To take a stand (to take a stand)
Everybody (everybody)
Come take my hand (come take my hand)
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just letting you know that you're not alone
Holler if you feel like you've been down the same road (same road)

Yeah, it's been a ride
I guess I had to, go to that place, to get to this one
Now some of you, might still be in that place
If you're trying to get out, just follow me
I'll get you there

You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay 'em
But you won't take the sting out these words before I say 'em
Cause ain't no way I'ma let you stop me from causing mayhem
When I say I'ma do something I do it,
I don't give a damn what you think,
I'm doing this for me, so fuck the world
Feed it beans, it's gassed up, if it thinks it's stopping me
I'ma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony
No ifs, ands or buts, don't try to ask him why or how can he
From "Infinite" down to the last "Relapse" album
He's still shitting, whether he's on salary paid hourly
Until he bows out or he shits his bowels out of him
Whichever comes first, for better or worse
He's married to the game, like a fuck you for Christmas
His gift is a curse, forget the Earth, he's got the urge
To pull his dick from the dirt, and fuck the whole universe

I'm not afraid (I'm not afraid)
To take a stand (to take a stand)
Everybody (everybody)
Come take my hand (come take my hand)
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just letting you know that you're not alone
Holler if you feel like you've been down the same road (same road)

Okay quit playing with the scissors and shit, and cut the crap
I shouldn't have to rhyme these words in the rhythm for you to know it's a rap
You said you was king, you lied through your teeth, for that
Fuck your fillings, instead of getting crowned you're getting capped
And to the fans, I'll never let you down again, I'm back
I promise to never go back on that promise, in fact
Let's be honest, that last "Relapse" CD was ehhh
Perhaps I ran them accents into the ground
Relax, I ain't going back to that now
All I'm trying to say is get back, click-clack, blow
Cause I ain't playing around
It's a game called circle and I don't know how, I'm way too up to back down
But I think I'm still trying to figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't, this fucking black cloud
Still follows me around but it's time to exorcise these demons
These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!

I'm not afraid (I'm not afraid)
To take a stand (to take a stand)
Everybody (everybody)
Come take my hand (come take my hand)
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just letting you know that you're not alone
Holler if you feel like you've been down the same road (same road)

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, I'ma face my demons
I'm manning up, I'ma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now! (now)

It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me
Admittedly, I probably did it subliminally
For you, so I could come back a brand new me you helped see me through
And don't even realize what you did, 'cause believe me you
I been through the ringer, but they could do little to the middle finger
I think I got a tear in my eye, I feel like the king of
My world, haters can make like bees with no stingers
And drop dead, no more beef lingers
No more drama from now on, I promise
To focus solely on handling my responsibilities as a father
So I solemnly swear to always treat this roof, like my daughters
And raise it, you couldn't lift a single shingle on it!
Cause the way I feel, I'm strong enough to go to the club
Or the corner pub, and lift the whole liquor counter up
Cause I'm raising the bar
I'd shoot for the moon but I'm too busy gazing at stars
I feel amazing and I'm...

Glycerine (Redux)

If ever there were a song that could encapsulate my entire relationship with the New Englander, this is it:

It must be your skin I'm sinking in
It must be for real 'cause now I can feel
And I didn't mind
It's not my kind
It's not my time to wonder why

Everything's gone white
And everything's gray
Now you're here now you're away
I don't want this
Remember that
I'll never forget where you're at

Don't let the days go by

Glycerine
Glycerine

I'm never alone
I'm alone all the time
Are you at one or do you lie?
We live in a wheel
Where everyone steals
But when we rise it's like strawberry fields

(That last line might be my very favorite. It's just so perfect. We rose alright. And the fields were full of plump, juicy, perfectly ripened strawberries.)

If I treated you bad
You bruised my face
Couldn't love you more
You got a beautiful taste

Don't let the days go by

I thought long and hard whether to use this song to mark this day because I have, in fact, already used it, nearly five years ago.

But I decided it was appropriate, for two reasons:

1) I didn't, I couldn't have known then just how perfectly this song would tell the story of my relationship with the man I loved so completely who just couldn't love me back in the same way;

2) This morning on my bikeride to campus, the next two lines played over and over in my head as I sang along out loud (and days fans know about my deference to my inner jukebox):

Could have been easier on you
I couldn't change though I wanted to

Yep. I know that now.

Should have been easier by three
Our old friend fear and you and me

But it wasn't easy. Not by a long shot:

I needed you more
When we wanted us less
I could not kiss just regress
It might just be
Clear simple and plain
Well, that's just fine
That's just one of my names

Don't let the days go by
Could've been easier on you, you, you

Yes, it could have been, but it wasn't.

And I've grown by leaps and bounds as a result...

Trouble

This song was playing in my head as I rode my bike home after teaching tonight:

We were at the table by the window with the view,
Casting shadows the sun was pushing through
Spoke a lot of words I don't know if I spoke the truth.

Got so much to lose,
Got so much to prove,
God, don't let me lose my mind.

Trouble on my left,
Trouble on my right,
I've been facing trouble almost all my life.
My sweet love, won't you pull me through?
Everywhere I look I catch a glimpse of you.
I said it was love and I did it for life, did it for you

Will I come to pass or will I pass the test?
You know what they say, yeah, the wicked get no rest.
You can have my heart any place any time.

Got so much to lose,
Got so much to prove,
God, don't let me lose my mind.

Man, I love teaching. It really charges me up. And teaching about politics -- especially during Presidential election time -- well, it's no wonder the inner ipod dialed this one up:

Trouble on my left,
Trouble on my right,
I've been facing trouble almost all my life.
My sweet love, won't you pull me through?
Everywhere I look I catch a glimpse of you.
I said it was love and I did it for life, did it for you

Got so much to lose,
Got so much to prove,
God, don't let me lose my mind.

Not so worried that will happen, but calming down enough to sleep -- now that could be a problem!

Irreplaceable

Yesterday was a particularly rough day in the files of healing from trauma. Flashbacks during practice, tears, inability to focus, etc. At the end of the day, when I was wondering how I was going to attend to my responsibilities, I texted my childhood friend.

"I have no idea how to deal with the pain that you have," she said. "Your strength is you. You are worthy of love and wholeness."

More tears, but this time, tears of relief at being seen, supported and loved.

And then I had a good sleep, got up, showered, and got in the car to drive to practice this morning.

On the way, I had Bey to reinforce that feeling of strength within:

You must not know about me, you must not know about me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter of fact, he'll be here in a minute, baby
You must not know about me, you must not know about me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinking
You're irreplaceable

So go ahead and get gone
Call up that chick and see if she's home
Oops, I bet you thought, that I didn't know
What did you think I was putting you out for
Because you was untrue
Rollin' her around in the car that I bought you
Baby drop them keys
Hurry up before your taxi leaves

Standing in the front yard
Tellin' me, how I'm such a fool
Talkin' bout, I'll never ever find a man like you
You got me twisted

What caused her pain may be different, but her power comes from knowing she made it through hell before, and she'll make it through again.

Same as mine, and for whatever reason, for me this lyric is like a powerful version of the saying God doesn't give anyone anything they can't handle:

You must not know about me, you must not know about me

Take Me To The Alley

This morning on the way home from practice, I caught the tail end of a radio show featuring Gregory Porter and this lovely song:

Well, they guild their houses
In preparation for the King
And the line the sidewalks
With every sort of shiny thing
They will be surprised
When they hear him say

Take me to the alley
Take me to the afflicted ones
Take me to the lonely ones
That somehow lost their ways

What a beautiful song. Apparently his mother insisted that the family live on skid row so that she could help people, and he got his start singing to the street folks. Eventually, he grew up and got famous and got to play for the queen, which led him to write this song.

This morning after practice and making my kids breakfast, I decided to squeeze in a trip to church. I don't feel super comfortable at church. I always take off the moment the service is over. During the service, I don't know if I believe what I'm saying (though I remember all the prayers from when I was young). I know that at some point during the hymns, I always cry. And I know that today I learned that the first Sunday of the month is when they offer healing prayers in the back of the church for anyone who wants them during communion:

Let them hear me say
I am your friend
Come to my table
Rest here in my garden
You will have a pardon

Take me to the alley
Take me to the afflicted ones
Take me to the lonely ones
That somehow lost their ways

Let me hear me say
I am your friend
Come to my table
Rest here in my garden
You will have a pardon
They will be surprised
When the hear him say

Take me the alley
Take me to the afflicted ones
Take me to the lonely ones that
Somehow lost their ways

So off I went, after communion, to the back of the church, to receive the prayer of healing. Crossing my fingers that it helps, and if nothing else, I know it is good practice for me to receive.

These lyrics of remind me of what I heard in church today:

Let them hear me say
I am your friend
Come to my table
Rest here in my garden
You will have a pardon
You will have a pardon
Take me to the alley
Take me to the afflicted ones
Take me, take me, take me

Never My Love

My friend asked me to join her tonight at a yoga class for which one of our favorite teachers was subbing. Today was a new moon, so I didn't have my regular practice, which made going to a class at 8:00 at night seem like an even better idea.

Was it ever! There is sooooo much that needs releasing right now, in my body, and the class at least helped me make some progress with the letting go.

It also included a pretty awesome song on the playlist:

You ask me if there'll come a time
When I grow tired of you
Never my love
Never my love

You wonder if this heart of mine
Will lose its desire for you
Never my love
Never my love

What makes you think love will end
When you know that my whole life depends
On you (on you)

Never my love
Never my love

You say you fear I'll change my mind
And I won't require you
Never my love
Never my love

How can you think love will end
When I've asked you to spend your whole life
With me (with me, with me)

It's coming, SJ, this love, it's coming...