Yesterday evening, as my kids and I sat with our extended family around a belated Thanksgiving feast, I was keenly aware of another loss, the loss of a friend that I have dealt with on my own terms, and blogged about numerous times. But I've had a harder time being willing to be confronted with that loss in terms of what it is like for my cousin and his kids to lose their wife and mom, respectively. As we went around the table saying what we were thankful for, I could feel his pain as other family members talked about being happy everyone was together, that their families are healthy and happy, etc. I could almost feel him thinking that not everyone was together, that his family wasn't healthy or happy, and it just about broke my heart.
This Queen song seems appropriate to mark this day, because it isn't as if other people shouldn't be grateful that their families are healthy and happy because someone has died. The show must go on indeed, and I know that she would want it to, and without the heavy heart just as soon as we can muster up the strength to feel the pain and then release it:
Empty spaces - what are we living for
Abandoned places - I guess we know the score
On and on, does anybody know what we are looking for...
Another hero, another mindless crime
Behind the curtain, in the pantomime
Hold the line, does anybody want to take it anymore
The show must go on,
The show must go on
Inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on.
Whatever happens, I'll leave it all to chance
Another heartache, another failed romance
On and on, does anybody know what we are living for?
I guess I'm learning, I must be warmer now
I'll soon be turning, round the corner now
Outside the dawn is breaking
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free
The show must go on
The show must go on
Inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on
My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies
Fairytales of yesterday will grow but never die
I can fly - my friends
The show must go on
The show must go on
I'll face it with a grin
I'm never giving in
On - with the show -
I'll top the bill, I'll overkill
I have to find the will to carry on
On with the -
On with the show -
The show must go on...
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Friday, November 29, 2013
Tried To Be True
Early this morning, as my kids, my sister, and two of her kids slumbered, I got up and went to the 6:30am led Ashtanga practice. It's day 89 of my 90 day intensive, and I won't be able to go tomorrow since we'll be away at the farm overnight. During the 90 days, I took 50 classes and practiced yoga for nearly 70 hours, and I definitely feel a shift in my practice thanks to the increased level of discipline.
Accompanying me as I awoke this morning was a song, courtesy of the internal ipod, that seems to give voice to a part of me that appears to have some lingering questions about the relationship I recently gave up:
Did you try to be true?
What separates me from you?
What separates me from you now?
Did you borrow the soul,
The soul that you sell now?
What does your conscience tell you?
Where are the demons
Of your desire?
Why does my love destroy you?
Did you try to be true?
What separates me from you?
What separates me from you now?
I said I tried to be true.
What separates me from you.
I said I tried, tried to be true.
What separates me from you.
What separates me from you now?
Did you try to be true?
What separates me from you?
What separates me from you now?
So where is the fame,
Where is the fortune?
Where is the world that denies you?
Who is to blame,
When my heart finally forfeits
To a road that will only misguide you?
The Indigo Girls have long been my go to girl band for belting out a number with gusto, and this post Thanksgiving tune is no exception...
Accompanying me as I awoke this morning was a song, courtesy of the internal ipod, that seems to give voice to a part of me that appears to have some lingering questions about the relationship I recently gave up:
Did you try to be true?
What separates me from you?
What separates me from you now?
Did you borrow the soul,
The soul that you sell now?
What does your conscience tell you?
Where are the demons
Of your desire?
Why does my love destroy you?
Did you try to be true?
What separates me from you?
What separates me from you now?
I said I tried to be true.
What separates me from you.
I said I tried, tried to be true.
What separates me from you.
What separates me from you now?
Did you try to be true?
What separates me from you?
What separates me from you now?
So where is the fame,
Where is the fortune?
Where is the world that denies you?
Who is to blame,
When my heart finally forfeits
To a road that will only misguide you?
The Indigo Girls have long been my go to girl band for belting out a number with gusto, and this post Thanksgiving tune is no exception...
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Being Alive
This morning I got up and went to yoga, starting my day with one of the many things for which I am grateful. It felt good, and even the chilly bikeride on the way home was a welcome way to ring in Thanksgiving morning. When I got home, I climbed into the bathtub and watched a little Glee while I soaked. I think this was a wise move, because it enabled me to have a good cry before my kids came back home and the two-day family extravaganza that starts tonight begins.
The song wasn't one with which I was familiar, but it's a good one. Ultimately, I think it's a love song, but it's about what's difficult about love as much as it's about what's beautiful, and it's all being alive:
Someone to hold you too close
Someone to hurt you too deep
Someone to sit in your chair
And ruin your sleep
And make you aware of being alive
Someone to need you too much
Someone to know you too well
Someone to pull you up short
And put you through hell
And give you support for being
alive - being alive
Make me alive, make me confused
Mock me with praise, let me be used
Vary my days, but alone is alone,
not alive.
Somebody hold me too close
Somebody force me to care
Somebody make me come through
I'll alway's be there
As frightened as you of being alive
Being alive, being alive
Someone you have to let in
Someone whose feelings you spare
Someone who, like it or not
Will want you to share a little, a lot
of being alive
Make me alive, make me confused
Mock me with praise, let me be used
Vary my days, but alone is alone,
not alive
Somebody crowd me with love
Somebody force me to care
Somebody let me come through
I'll always be there
As frightened as you to help us survive
Being alive, being alive,
Being alive, being alive.
I'm super grateful to be alive, I'm super grateful to be a Mom, and I'm looking forward to future holidays (and everydays) with my man at my side to share being alive...
The song wasn't one with which I was familiar, but it's a good one. Ultimately, I think it's a love song, but it's about what's difficult about love as much as it's about what's beautiful, and it's all being alive:
Someone to hold you too close
Someone to hurt you too deep
Someone to sit in your chair
And ruin your sleep
And make you aware of being alive
Someone to need you too much
Someone to know you too well
Someone to pull you up short
And put you through hell
And give you support for being
alive - being alive
Make me alive, make me confused
Mock me with praise, let me be used
Vary my days, but alone is alone,
not alive.
Somebody hold me too close
Somebody force me to care
Somebody make me come through
I'll alway's be there
As frightened as you of being alive
Being alive, being alive
Someone you have to let in
Someone whose feelings you spare
Someone who, like it or not
Will want you to share a little, a lot
of being alive
Make me alive, make me confused
Mock me with praise, let me be used
Vary my days, but alone is alone,
not alive
Somebody crowd me with love
Somebody force me to care
Somebody let me come through
I'll always be there
As frightened as you to help us survive
Being alive, being alive,
Being alive, being alive.
I'm super grateful to be alive, I'm super grateful to be a Mom, and I'm looking forward to future holidays (and everydays) with my man at my side to share being alive...
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Brave
One of the guided meditations I sometimes listen to, on forgiveness, says this in the introduction:
"If you want to see the brave, look to those who can forgive."
I've used this mantra to guide me through the process I've been through over the past several years -- taking an honest look at where I came from -- and feeling the feelings that I didn't feel while I was in the process of growing up. It hasn't been easy, but it does feel like I've entered a new stage.
The stages have looked something like this:
1) Denial -- during childhood up until my early 30s (It ain't just a river in Egypt).
2) Anger/Fear/Sadness -- this lasted until my late 30s, and was characterized by a desire to stay away from my family of origin.
3) Acceptance -- this is the phase I've moved into over the last few years, and it has involved moving back toward my family of origin -- and more willingness to spend time with them, mostly for the sake of my kids, even if it isn't easy.
To embark on this path, there's no doubt I've needed to be brave, and when I heard this song today, it felt not a little bit autobiographical:
You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave
Everybody’s been there,
Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy
Fallen for the fear
And done some disappearing,
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
And since your history of silence
Won’t do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
I wanna see you be brave this Thanksgiving, SJ, when you're gathered with your family of origin. You're not going to have a man by your side. You're gonna have to go it alone. Good thing you're so brave...
"If you want to see the brave, look to those who can forgive."
I've used this mantra to guide me through the process I've been through over the past several years -- taking an honest look at where I came from -- and feeling the feelings that I didn't feel while I was in the process of growing up. It hasn't been easy, but it does feel like I've entered a new stage.
The stages have looked something like this:
1) Denial -- during childhood up until my early 30s (It ain't just a river in Egypt).
2) Anger/Fear/Sadness -- this lasted until my late 30s, and was characterized by a desire to stay away from my family of origin.
3) Acceptance -- this is the phase I've moved into over the last few years, and it has involved moving back toward my family of origin -- and more willingness to spend time with them, mostly for the sake of my kids, even if it isn't easy.
To embark on this path, there's no doubt I've needed to be brave, and when I heard this song today, it felt not a little bit autobiographical:
You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave
Everybody’s been there,
Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy
Fallen for the fear
And done some disappearing,
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
And since your history of silence
Won’t do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
I wanna see you be brave this Thanksgiving, SJ, when you're gathered with your family of origin. You're not going to have a man by your side. You're gonna have to go it alone. Good thing you're so brave...
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Goodbye My Lover
I recognize that I'm walking a tricky line here -- maintaining a forward orientation while also allowing myself to feel my feelings. I recently identified what I now call my voiceover, which is where I tell myself something that I want to be true because it's easier than being with what is true. Turns out I've used the voiceover in this way for, well, that's just say, years. For many of those years, I needed it to survive, but now it's time to let it go.
Part of the reason for the perceived need for the voiceover was another assumption I was operating under, which goes something like this: Feeling x means I'm y. In the example I'm discussing in this post, that might be feeling sad about losing a love means I'm not over him.
Here's the new twist I'm adding to the equation: maybe it does and maybe it doesn't. Maybe it just means that today, or in the moment when I heard this song or had that memory, I felt sad. It doesn't have to mean anything else.
It might seem like a small difference, but I think it will be huge for me to let myself feel what I am feeling without getting all caught up in the storyline, without taking on the role of victim, without feeling sorry for myself or catastrophizing about the past or the future. Feeling sad can be just that: a feeling of sadness. Nothing more, nothing less. Not bad or good. Just sadness.
I think this song made me sad because it speaks the plain, honest truth about something really difficult: losing a love. Something that I've been through in a bigger way in the past six months than in the previous 42 years, but something that just about everybody feels at some point in their life (we just don't all write beautiful songs about it like this one):
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
(Those last two lines are probably the saddest for me.)
I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
Maybe you are hollow, James, I don't know. As for me, sometimes I feel hollow, but I know for certain that I'm not. I'm just a girl feeling sad when I hear these words:
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me...
Part of the reason for the perceived need for the voiceover was another assumption I was operating under, which goes something like this: Feeling x means I'm y. In the example I'm discussing in this post, that might be feeling sad about losing a love means I'm not over him.
Here's the new twist I'm adding to the equation: maybe it does and maybe it doesn't. Maybe it just means that today, or in the moment when I heard this song or had that memory, I felt sad. It doesn't have to mean anything else.
It might seem like a small difference, but I think it will be huge for me to let myself feel what I am feeling without getting all caught up in the storyline, without taking on the role of victim, without feeling sorry for myself or catastrophizing about the past or the future. Feeling sad can be just that: a feeling of sadness. Nothing more, nothing less. Not bad or good. Just sadness.
I think this song made me sad because it speaks the plain, honest truth about something really difficult: losing a love. Something that I've been through in a bigger way in the past six months than in the previous 42 years, but something that just about everybody feels at some point in their life (we just don't all write beautiful songs about it like this one):
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
(Those last two lines are probably the saddest for me.)
I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
Maybe you are hollow, James, I don't know. As for me, sometimes I feel hollow, but I know for certain that I'm not. I'm just a girl feeling sad when I hear these words:
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me...
Monday, November 25, 2013
The Lazy Song
 |
| Snow on the juniper bushes this morning |
Somewhat inexplicably, after nearly 12 hours of sleep (interrupted by getting up a couple of times to try to get the heat to go back on so I didn't freeze), I woke up this morning with this song playing in my head:
Today I don't feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don't feel like picking up my phone
So leave a message at the tone
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything
The rest of the lyrics of this silly song are just too silly to post here (hand in his pants? snuggie?), but I get excited whenever my internal ipod plays a song, even when it's not one of my faves, so I thought I'd use it to mark this at-home but not-so-lazy day...
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Roots Before Branches
This morning I had a super interesting experience in my yoga class. I went to an Ashtanga led practice, which means I did more poses than I do in my own practice, including a series of four poses called Marichyasana A-D, all of which require a bind.
Now binding, for those who don't know, requires one to open the shoulders, and typically, this is difficult if not impossible for me to do. This morning, I was easily able to bind in each version, which surprised the hell out of me. I would have thought that after two rather stressful days with my parents, I would've closed my shoulders tighter. Instead, it seems that just allowing myself to be in that space with them, as painful as it was at some points, opened me.
I knew that was true of remaining in a yoga pose, but I didn't realize it was true about spending time with family with an open heart. Super cool. As hard as it is for many of us to make peace with the people we came from, it's such an important part of who we are -- mind, body and soul. We can try to deny that -- I should know because try I have -- but the body always remembers.
This afternoon I was watching the last episode of season 3 of Glee. It almost killed me to watch Finn and Rachel say goodbye to each other -- reminding me a bit as it did of a goodbye in my not-too-distant past -- but the blow was cushioned by the two of them singing (link to Glee) this lovely song (link to Room For Two):
I gotta have
Roots before branches
To know who I am
Before I know
Who I wanna be
And faith
To take chances
To live like I see
A place in this world
For me
Sometimes
I don't wanna feel
And forget the pain
Is real
Put my head
In the clouds
Oh, start to run
And then I fall
Thinkin'
I can't get it all
Without my feet
On the ground
There's always a seed
Before there's a rose
The more that it rains
The more I will grow
Whatever comes
I know how to take it
Learn to be strong
I won't have to fake it
Oh, you're understandin'
The wind can come
And do it's best
Blow me North and South
East and West
But I'll still
Be standing
I'll be standing
I gotta have
Roots before branches
To know who I am
Before I know
Who I wanna be
And faith
To take chances
To live like I see
A place in this world
Speaking of taking chances and living like I see a place in this world, the name of the original artist of this song compels me to tell a story of a time in my life that was characterized by doing just that. The autumn after I graduated from college, my friend and I decided to buy a 6-month, 4-stop airline ticket. We stopped first in Fiji, then New Zealand, then Australia, then Hawaii, but we spent the bulk of the time in Australia.
While in Oz, as I've written about before, we were pretty wild. Live-in nannies during the week, we'd literally spend our weekends in the bars (there's no such thing as bar time over there). On one specific occasion, my friend was working her magic to get us some free drinks by flirting with a guy at the bar. Eventually we all ended up going back to someone's flat to crash, and the drinks daddy was hoping to get lucky. My friend wasn't interested, though, so she gave him a classic excuse: she said it was her lady time, and something else was occupying the space he was hoping to enter.
"There's room for two!" he said -- and ever since, that phrase has always made us chuckle...
Now binding, for those who don't know, requires one to open the shoulders, and typically, this is difficult if not impossible for me to do. This morning, I was easily able to bind in each version, which surprised the hell out of me. I would have thought that after two rather stressful days with my parents, I would've closed my shoulders tighter. Instead, it seems that just allowing myself to be in that space with them, as painful as it was at some points, opened me.
I knew that was true of remaining in a yoga pose, but I didn't realize it was true about spending time with family with an open heart. Super cool. As hard as it is for many of us to make peace with the people we came from, it's such an important part of who we are -- mind, body and soul. We can try to deny that -- I should know because try I have -- but the body always remembers.
This afternoon I was watching the last episode of season 3 of Glee. It almost killed me to watch Finn and Rachel say goodbye to each other -- reminding me a bit as it did of a goodbye in my not-too-distant past -- but the blow was cushioned by the two of them singing (link to Glee) this lovely song (link to Room For Two):
I gotta have
Roots before branches
To know who I am
Before I know
Who I wanna be
And faith
To take chances
To live like I see
A place in this world
For me
Sometimes
I don't wanna feel
And forget the pain
Is real
Put my head
In the clouds
Oh, start to run
And then I fall
Thinkin'
I can't get it all
Without my feet
On the ground
There's always a seed
Before there's a rose
The more that it rains
The more I will grow
Whatever comes
I know how to take it
Learn to be strong
I won't have to fake it
Oh, you're understandin'
The wind can come
And do it's best
Blow me North and South
East and West
But I'll still
Be standing
I'll be standing
I gotta have
Roots before branches
To know who I am
Before I know
Who I wanna be
And faith
To take chances
To live like I see
A place in this world
Speaking of taking chances and living like I see a place in this world, the name of the original artist of this song compels me to tell a story of a time in my life that was characterized by doing just that. The autumn after I graduated from college, my friend and I decided to buy a 6-month, 4-stop airline ticket. We stopped first in Fiji, then New Zealand, then Australia, then Hawaii, but we spent the bulk of the time in Australia.
While in Oz, as I've written about before, we were pretty wild. Live-in nannies during the week, we'd literally spend our weekends in the bars (there's no such thing as bar time over there). On one specific occasion, my friend was working her magic to get us some free drinks by flirting with a guy at the bar. Eventually we all ended up going back to someone's flat to crash, and the drinks daddy was hoping to get lucky. My friend wasn't interested, though, so she gave him a classic excuse: she said it was her lady time, and something else was occupying the space he was hoping to enter.
"There's room for two!" he said -- and ever since, that phrase has always made us chuckle...
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Take My Breath Away
And she passed with flying colors, earning her black belt and accomplishing her goal. However, during the sparring event, the poor thing got the wind knocked out of her -- cue Berlin on the soundtrack of Top Gun for today's song:
Take my breath away
Take my breath away
I felt bad for her, but of course, I couldn't do anything, she couldn't cry -- we just had to tell ourselves it was part of the process, the price of admission, so to speak.
I'm super proud of my brave girl -- for enduring that -- for learning all those difficult moves -- for her commitment and dedication to her practice... It kinda takes my breath away, (though not in the same way that Kelly McGillis took Tom Cruise's breath away):
I felt bad for her, but of course, I couldn't do anything, she couldn't cry -- we just had to tell ourselves it was part of the process, the price of admission, so to speak.
I'm super proud of my brave girl -- for enduring that -- for learning all those difficult moves -- for her commitment and dedication to her practice... It kinda takes my breath away, (though not in the same way that Kelly McGillis took Tom Cruise's breath away):
Through the hourglass I saw you, in time you slipped away
When the mirror crashed, I called you and turned to hear you say
If only for today, I am unafraid
Take my breath away
Take my breath away
Thursday, November 21, 2013
In My Life
This afternoon, in anticipation of my parents' arrival, I went to see my acupuncturist. We always talk before I hit the table, and this time I talked about my parents. While I was on the table, she let me know I had been shouting when I was talking about them. "Anger is just something in the way of what's coming next," she said. I'm still chewing on that one, but I felt a whole lot better after my treatment.
In addition to dealing with anger, we dealt with a little bit of grief, too, and we talked about having having a forward orientation from here on out. I don't have to know what's next, she said, but that's the direction I'm looking: Forward. I like it.
Tonight my son had his honor band concert, in which he played percussion. We met my parents there, and it was an interesting experience to watch the concert with my Dad. During one of the ensembles, he leaned over to me and said: "There you are," indicating the tallest girl in the group, and a redhead to boot: "red hair and taller than everyone else." I'd known that I was the tallest kid in my school in 6th grade, of course, but it was a different experience altogether to see a young girl that resembled me through my Dad's eyes.
Anyway, the concert was a smashing success, and on the way home, we heard this song:
There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all
Word moptops, I'm feeling every word of the first verse. But in this second verse, I'm taking the liberty of using my forward orientation because I believe I've yet to meet my incomparable lover:
But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
I'm gonna love him more, yes I am, and in the meantime, I'm busting with pride about the little man in my life (who's not so little anymore) and his fabulous sense of musical timing...
In addition to dealing with anger, we dealt with a little bit of grief, too, and we talked about having having a forward orientation from here on out. I don't have to know what's next, she said, but that's the direction I'm looking: Forward. I like it.
Tonight my son had his honor band concert, in which he played percussion. We met my parents there, and it was an interesting experience to watch the concert with my Dad. During one of the ensembles, he leaned over to me and said: "There you are," indicating the tallest girl in the group, and a redhead to boot: "red hair and taller than everyone else." I'd known that I was the tallest kid in my school in 6th grade, of course, but it was a different experience altogether to see a young girl that resembled me through my Dad's eyes.
Anyway, the concert was a smashing success, and on the way home, we heard this song:
There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all
Word moptops, I'm feeling every word of the first verse. But in this second verse, I'm taking the liberty of using my forward orientation because I believe I've yet to meet my incomparable lover:
But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
I'm gonna love him more, yes I am, and in the meantime, I'm busting with pride about the little man in my life (who's not so little anymore) and his fabulous sense of musical timing...
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Searchin' My Soul
I spent the majority of my drive to Milwaukee this morning on a conference call, but I made sure to hang up a few minutes from my destination so I could have some me time. I pressed scan on the radio, looking for a good singalong number, and soon I was belting out I Want to Know What Love Is with my friends from Foreigner.
But I've already used that song to mark a day on this blog, a day where I was recognizing how much I'd learned about love from my last boyfriend. And I learned a lot about it from that relationship, there's no question I did, but as I was singing the words this morning, I realized there is a whole lot more I want to know about love.
I've always been a little jealous of the kind of couples where they feel a genuine love for one another, have shared values and a shared vision of what living a good life looks like, and are passionate and committed to living that life together. I don't know about that kind of love, but I'd like to learn, and I believe that's what's coming for me next.
So I decided to make Foreigner's classic my new theme song, Ally McBeal style. For those of you who aren't or weren't fans, she'd choose a song to really shout to the world what she was all about. Although her theme song on the show changed, this was always the show's theme, so I'm using this one to mark this day.
As luck would have it, the lyrics just happen to be apropos:
I've been down this road walkin' the line
That's painted by pride
And I have made mistakes in my life
That I just can't hide
Oh I believe I am ready for what love has to bring
Got myself together, now I'm ready to sing
I've been searchin' my soul tonight
I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light
To find my way back home
One by one, the chains around me unwind
Every day now I feel that I can leave those years behind
Oh I've been thinking of you for a long time
There's a side of my life where I've been blind and so...
I've been searchin' my soul tonight
I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light
Everything gonna be alright
I've been searchin' my soul tonight
Don't wanna be alone in life
Now I know I can shine a light
To find my way back home
Baby I been holding back now my whole life
I've decided to move on now
Gonna leave all my worries behind
Oh I believe I am ready for what love has to give
Got myself together now I'm ready to live...
Me too, Ally, me too!
But I've already used that song to mark a day on this blog, a day where I was recognizing how much I'd learned about love from my last boyfriend. And I learned a lot about it from that relationship, there's no question I did, but as I was singing the words this morning, I realized there is a whole lot more I want to know about love.
I've always been a little jealous of the kind of couples where they feel a genuine love for one another, have shared values and a shared vision of what living a good life looks like, and are passionate and committed to living that life together. I don't know about that kind of love, but I'd like to learn, and I believe that's what's coming for me next.
So I decided to make Foreigner's classic my new theme song, Ally McBeal style. For those of you who aren't or weren't fans, she'd choose a song to really shout to the world what she was all about. Although her theme song on the show changed, this was always the show's theme, so I'm using this one to mark this day.
As luck would have it, the lyrics just happen to be apropos:
I've been down this road walkin' the line
That's painted by pride
And I have made mistakes in my life
That I just can't hide
Oh I believe I am ready for what love has to bring
Got myself together, now I'm ready to sing
I've been searchin' my soul tonight
I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light
To find my way back home
One by one, the chains around me unwind
Every day now I feel that I can leave those years behind
Oh I've been thinking of you for a long time
There's a side of my life where I've been blind and so...
I've been searchin' my soul tonight
I know there's so much more to life
Now I know I can shine a light
Everything gonna be alright
I've been searchin' my soul tonight
Don't wanna be alone in life
Now I know I can shine a light
To find my way back home
Baby I been holding back now my whole life
I've decided to move on now
Gonna leave all my worries behind
Oh I believe I am ready for what love has to give
Got myself together now I'm ready to live...
Me too, Ally, me too!
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Ordinary World
Last night I made dinner for my realtor and my mortgage person -- something I promised to do at the closing on this house, which was December 14, 2012. I thought it was about time to make good on that promise (nearly a year later!), and it was fun to show them what I've done with the house.
Moving here was a decision I made when I got to the point when I was more willing to face the truth about the person who was my boyfriend than I was willing to keep pretending everything was going to be alright despite all the evidence to the contrary. After he'd lived here a year and a half, I thought he might be ready to buy a house with me. He wasn't. I understood the reasons, bought the house by myself and offered to have him move in with us anyway, as my partner. I made it clear that I meant as partners, no more playing house.
Shortly after that, he made the decision to leave Madison altogether in the summer. As most of y'all know, it was a tough time leading up to his departure and it was a tough time after he left, but when I heard this song on the radio at the gym today...
Came in from a rainy Thursday
On the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly
I turned on the lights, the TV
And the radio
Still I can't escape the ghost of you
What has happened to it all?
Crazy, some are saying
Where is the life that I recognize?
Gone away
...I made a decision:
But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Now I'm not saying I won't still cry when I feel like crying, but I am saying that as much as I can, I'm going to try to move on. To stop thinking about it and writing about it as much as I am. To turn my attention from the past to the present and the future. There's a saying in Alanon: "Fake it til you make it." I didn't care for it at first, because it sounded anathema to my usual modus operandi, which is all about truth.
If this is what I feel:
Passion or coincidence
Once prompted you to say
"Pride will tear us both apart"
Well now pride's gone out the window
Cross the rooftops
Run away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart
What is happening to me?
Crazy, some'd say
Where is my friend when I need you most?
Gone away
...then this is what I should think/blog about. But the point isn't to deny the truth of your feelings, the point is to label them just that: feelings. Feelings aren't facts. They need to be felt, yes, but then, if we don't attach a story to them, they leave us again:
But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to try to drop the story, where/when possible, try to get a little more perspective:
Papers in the roadside
Tell of suffering and greed
Here today, forgot tomorrow
Ooh, here besides the news
Of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk
..and see if it's possible to start moving on, for real:
And I don't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Every one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world
Every one
Is my world...
Moving here was a decision I made when I got to the point when I was more willing to face the truth about the person who was my boyfriend than I was willing to keep pretending everything was going to be alright despite all the evidence to the contrary. After he'd lived here a year and a half, I thought he might be ready to buy a house with me. He wasn't. I understood the reasons, bought the house by myself and offered to have him move in with us anyway, as my partner. I made it clear that I meant as partners, no more playing house.
Shortly after that, he made the decision to leave Madison altogether in the summer. As most of y'all know, it was a tough time leading up to his departure and it was a tough time after he left, but when I heard this song on the radio at the gym today...
Came in from a rainy Thursday
On the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly
I turned on the lights, the TV
And the radio
Still I can't escape the ghost of you
What has happened to it all?
Crazy, some are saying
Where is the life that I recognize?
Gone away
...I made a decision:
But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Now I'm not saying I won't still cry when I feel like crying, but I am saying that as much as I can, I'm going to try to move on. To stop thinking about it and writing about it as much as I am. To turn my attention from the past to the present and the future. There's a saying in Alanon: "Fake it til you make it." I didn't care for it at first, because it sounded anathema to my usual modus operandi, which is all about truth.
If this is what I feel:
Passion or coincidence
Once prompted you to say
"Pride will tear us both apart"
Well now pride's gone out the window
Cross the rooftops
Run away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart
What is happening to me?
Crazy, some'd say
Where is my friend when I need you most?
Gone away
...then this is what I should think/blog about. But the point isn't to deny the truth of your feelings, the point is to label them just that: feelings. Feelings aren't facts. They need to be felt, yes, but then, if we don't attach a story to them, they leave us again:
But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to try to drop the story, where/when possible, try to get a little more perspective:
Papers in the roadside
Tell of suffering and greed
Here today, forgot tomorrow
Ooh, here besides the news
Of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk
..and see if it's possible to start moving on, for real:
And I don't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Every one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world
Every one
Is my world...
Monday, November 18, 2013
Hero
I could feel all day that there was something uncomfortable brewing under the surface today, but it took hearing this cheesy song to finally get the tears flowing:
There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid
Of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will melt away
I don't know, Mariah. I've been reaching into my soul for months, and the sorrow may be lessening, but I'm afraid I can't say it has melted away:
And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you
I felt this today. Strength. Through all the discomfort, there was an undercurrent of strength. Of I-can-do-this-ness. On my bike this morning in the bitter wind, in my frustrating work meeting, in my TRX class, in yoga this evening. I could feel myself in there, fighting, for me:
It's a long road
When you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand
For you to hold
You can find love
If you search within yourself
And the emptiness you felt
Will disappear
But I guess I gotta keep searching within myself, because I still feel emptiness. I still feel the "how could he have left me?" and "why did I invest so much in something so precarious?" But then how was I to know that love could be precarious? I'm here to say that it can be when you're with someone who only partly surrenders to it, and take it from me, if there's a part of you that knows that's what's happening in your relationship, do yourself a favor and get out now:
Lord knows
Dreams are hard to follow
But don't let anyone
Tear them away
Hold on
There will be tomorrow
In time
You'll find the way
I know that in time I'll find the way, but in the meantime, I'm heading into the holidays more alone than I've been, with the exception of my kids, in my adult life...
There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid
Of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will melt away
I don't know, Mariah. I've been reaching into my soul for months, and the sorrow may be lessening, but I'm afraid I can't say it has melted away:
And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you
I felt this today. Strength. Through all the discomfort, there was an undercurrent of strength. Of I-can-do-this-ness. On my bike this morning in the bitter wind, in my frustrating work meeting, in my TRX class, in yoga this evening. I could feel myself in there, fighting, for me:
It's a long road
When you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand
For you to hold
You can find love
If you search within yourself
And the emptiness you felt
Will disappear
But I guess I gotta keep searching within myself, because I still feel emptiness. I still feel the "how could he have left me?" and "why did I invest so much in something so precarious?" But then how was I to know that love could be precarious? I'm here to say that it can be when you're with someone who only partly surrenders to it, and take it from me, if there's a part of you that knows that's what's happening in your relationship, do yourself a favor and get out now:
Lord knows
Dreams are hard to follow
But don't let anyone
Tear them away
Hold on
There will be tomorrow
In time
You'll find the way
I know that in time I'll find the way, but in the meantime, I'm heading into the holidays more alone than I've been, with the exception of my kids, in my adult life...
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Feel So Close
Last night for dinner, my kids and I decided to go to Luigi's for dinner, a local Italian restaurant with really good pizza. I'd noticed the last time we were there, while I was still eating wheat, that they offer a gluten-free crust for a $5 up-charge, so I was excited to check that out.
When we walked in, a waiter we'd had previously smiled at us and said: "Hi family!" It was friendly enough, but it took me right back to the last time he'd said it, which was when there was still a man in our life and a fourth at our supper table.
After we finished eating, the kids ran outside to play while I waited for the check. When the waiter came over, he asked: "Where's Dad tonight?"
So I explained the situation to him. "'Dad' was my boyfriend, and he moved back to New England, where he'd moved here from to be with us."
"Oh," said the waiter. "So are y'all still together?"
I told him we weren't, that I'm just not a person for whom long distance relationships work well. I want to be physically close to my man, and be able to spend time with him. He said he understood, and felt the same way, and had been trying to break it off with a woman he'd been dating because she lived two hours away.
I'm happy to say at the point now where I can talk about it without crying. I do feel ok about it, overall. It feels good to be clear about my own needs for a change. But I miss having a man around, that's for sure. My daughter and I tried to put the slackline up yesterday that the man we had gave us, but we failed miserably.
Pondering all this, the song that came to me was this one, which my daughter and I heard in the car the other day, and sang together:
I feel so close to you right now
It's a force field
I wear my heart upon my sleeve, like a big deal
Your love pours down on me, surrounds me like a waterfall
And there's no stopping us right now
I feel so close to you right now
And there's no stopping us right now
And there's no stopping us right now
And there's no stopping us right now
I feel so close to you right now...
For now, I feel really close to my kids, and that feels good. My son, especially, works hard to remain close to our departed family member, and he's told me in no uncertain terms that he remains a family member in his eyes.
I'm good with that, but for me, well, I need to make space for a man I can feel so close to, a man with whom nothing's stopping us from having everything we both want and need...
When we walked in, a waiter we'd had previously smiled at us and said: "Hi family!" It was friendly enough, but it took me right back to the last time he'd said it, which was when there was still a man in our life and a fourth at our supper table.
After we finished eating, the kids ran outside to play while I waited for the check. When the waiter came over, he asked: "Where's Dad tonight?"
So I explained the situation to him. "'Dad' was my boyfriend, and he moved back to New England, where he'd moved here from to be with us."
"Oh," said the waiter. "So are y'all still together?"
I told him we weren't, that I'm just not a person for whom long distance relationships work well. I want to be physically close to my man, and be able to spend time with him. He said he understood, and felt the same way, and had been trying to break it off with a woman he'd been dating because she lived two hours away.
I'm happy to say at the point now where I can talk about it without crying. I do feel ok about it, overall. It feels good to be clear about my own needs for a change. But I miss having a man around, that's for sure. My daughter and I tried to put the slackline up yesterday that the man we had gave us, but we failed miserably.
Pondering all this, the song that came to me was this one, which my daughter and I heard in the car the other day, and sang together:
I feel so close to you right now
It's a force field
I wear my heart upon my sleeve, like a big deal
Your love pours down on me, surrounds me like a waterfall
And there's no stopping us right now
I feel so close to you right now
And there's no stopping us right now
And there's no stopping us right now
And there's no stopping us right now
I feel so close to you right now...
For now, I feel really close to my kids, and that feels good. My son, especially, works hard to remain close to our departed family member, and he's told me in no uncertain terms that he remains a family member in his eyes.
I'm good with that, but for me, well, I need to make space for a man I can feel so close to, a man with whom nothing's stopping us from having everything we both want and need...
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Somebody to Shove
Last night while my daughter practiced karate, I went for a run with my friend Slacker. I was already having a really good day, and the run was feeling really good, but hearing this blast from the past song during my run sent me even higher:
Grandfather watches the grandfather clock
And the phone hasn't rang for so long
And the time flies by like a vulture in the sky
Suddenly he breaks into song
I'm waiting by the phone
Waiting for you to call me up and tell me I'm not alone
I'm waiting by the phone
Waiting for you to call me up and tell me I'm not alone
Hello, speak up, is there somebody there?
These hang-ups are getting me down
In a world frozen over with over-exposure
Let's talk it over, let's go out and paint the town
I'm waiting by the phone
Waiting for you to call me up and tell me I'm not alone
Cause I want somebody to shove
I need somebody to shove
I want somebody to shove me
I love this song! It reminds me of my high school mosh pit days -- my friends and I even saw these guys live at one point:
You're a dream for insomniacs, prize in the Cracker Jacks
All the difference in the world is just a call away
And I'm waiting by the phone
Waiting for you to call me up and tell me I'm not alone
Yes I'm waiting by the phone
I'm waiting for you to call me up and tell me I'm not alone
Cause I want somebody to shove
I need somebody to shove
I want somebody to shove me
Yes I want somebody to shove
I need somebody to shove
I want somebody to shove me
I do miss the days of being shoved around while the music blasted, and I sure am grateful to Soul Asylum for taking me back, but I'm also feeling really content with my life right now. I have a lot to be thankful for -- here are just three examples:
1) Tonight for dinner I grilled a skirt steak, made some pinto beans with peppers, roasted broccoli, and greek orzo salad, and my son declared it a feast! Never mind that he ate one bite of steak, one bite of beans, zero bites of broccoli, and lots of orzo, just the fact that he recognized it as a feast was enough to set my heart aloft. Being the good eater that I am, I ate steak and beans and broccoli and it was soooo delicious!
2) Speaking of good eating, I'm off gluten this month in solidarity with my officemate, who has ulcerative colitis. And I can't imagine going back! I feel so much better since I've cut out wheat. I haven't lost any weight, but I've definitely lost inches. My energy level is higher, more even, and lasts longer into the evening. It's such a positive change, and it really hasn't been that hard. Wheat is in a ton of things, but there's still a lot I can have.
3) Both my yoga practice and my return to short runs are going great. I look forward to my practice and feel lucky when I can squeeze in a run. Now, if only I could involve either of my kids in my chosen physical pursuits!
Grandfather watches the grandfather clock
And the phone hasn't rang for so long
And the time flies by like a vulture in the sky
Suddenly he breaks into song
I'm waiting by the phone
Waiting for you to call me up and tell me I'm not alone
I'm waiting by the phone
Waiting for you to call me up and tell me I'm not alone
Hello, speak up, is there somebody there?
These hang-ups are getting me down
In a world frozen over with over-exposure
Let's talk it over, let's go out and paint the town
I'm waiting by the phone
Waiting for you to call me up and tell me I'm not alone
Cause I want somebody to shove
I need somebody to shove
I want somebody to shove me
I love this song! It reminds me of my high school mosh pit days -- my friends and I even saw these guys live at one point:
You're a dream for insomniacs, prize in the Cracker Jacks
All the difference in the world is just a call away
And I'm waiting by the phone
Waiting for you to call me up and tell me I'm not alone
Yes I'm waiting by the phone
I'm waiting for you to call me up and tell me I'm not alone
Cause I want somebody to shove
I need somebody to shove
I want somebody to shove me
Yes I want somebody to shove
I need somebody to shove
I want somebody to shove me
I do miss the days of being shoved around while the music blasted, and I sure am grateful to Soul Asylum for taking me back, but I'm also feeling really content with my life right now. I have a lot to be thankful for -- here are just three examples:
1) Tonight for dinner I grilled a skirt steak, made some pinto beans with peppers, roasted broccoli, and greek orzo salad, and my son declared it a feast! Never mind that he ate one bite of steak, one bite of beans, zero bites of broccoli, and lots of orzo, just the fact that he recognized it as a feast was enough to set my heart aloft. Being the good eater that I am, I ate steak and beans and broccoli and it was soooo delicious!
2) Speaking of good eating, I'm off gluten this month in solidarity with my officemate, who has ulcerative colitis. And I can't imagine going back! I feel so much better since I've cut out wheat. I haven't lost any weight, but I've definitely lost inches. My energy level is higher, more even, and lasts longer into the evening. It's such a positive change, and it really hasn't been that hard. Wheat is in a ton of things, but there's still a lot I can have.
3) Both my yoga practice and my return to short runs are going great. I look forward to my practice and feel lucky when I can squeeze in a run. Now, if only I could involve either of my kids in my chosen physical pursuits!
Friday, November 15, 2013
Wrecking Ball
I'm home with my kids this afternoon, and I was happily cooking them lunch while singing this song, which has been in my head the past few days:
I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me
"Mom! That's Miley Cyrus!" my son said, full of consternation that I should deign to sing such frivolous top 40 music.
"I know, but I like it!" I retorted. And then I watched the video -- wowza! Smokin' hot.
And finally, though the lyrics don't tell the exact story of my last love, the overall tenor of the song is definitely apropos:
We clawed, we chained our hearts in vain
We jumped never asking why
We kissed, I fell under your spell.
A love no one could deny
Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you
I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me
I put you high up in the sky
And now, you're not coming down
It slowly turned, you let me burn
And now, we're ashes on the ground
Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you...
I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me
"Mom! That's Miley Cyrus!" my son said, full of consternation that I should deign to sing such frivolous top 40 music.
"I know, but I like it!" I retorted. And then I watched the video -- wowza! Smokin' hot.
And finally, though the lyrics don't tell the exact story of my last love, the overall tenor of the song is definitely apropos:
We clawed, we chained our hearts in vain
We jumped never asking why
We kissed, I fell under your spell.
A love no one could deny
Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you
I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me
I put you high up in the sky
And now, you're not coming down
It slowly turned, you let me burn
And now, we're ashes on the ground
Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you...
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Upside Down
 |
| That's one happy cervical spine! |
I'll say, and for my money, few poses are as liberating as headstand. For about five years now, I've been able to do an unsupported headstand (in the middle of the room), and I've never had any issues with it.
All that changed when I started my regular Ashtanga practice. I think there are a couple of factors at work: one being that I've never practiced inversions so frequently before, and the other is the teachers encouraged me to come into headstand by slowly raising both legs rather than kicking one foot up first, and that really threw me off.
Just a few weeks into the regular practice, I started having neck issues. I've read about the problems people have from doing headstands, but hadn't experienced them myself. One night during the neck trouble, I was hanging out with a friend who is a physical therapist. She told me in no uncertain terms that the cervical spine was not meant to bear weight (except for the weight of the head). And the thing is, when you do headstand properly, you don't put more pressure than that on it, but I had been recently, both in trying to get up into it the new way and in trying to lower my legs to 90 degrees, also part of the Ashtanga primary series.
Enter inversion stool. This baby is a dream for going upside down with a happy neck, and it arrived on my doorstep yesterday afternoon!
As I played around with my new toy, Diana Ross started to play on the internal ipod:
I said upside down
You’re turning me
You’re giving love instinctively
Around and round you’re turning me
Upside down you’re turning me
You’re giving love instinctively
Around and round you’re turning me
I see to thee respectfully
Yeah, I cut out all the lyrics about boys. There are no boys turning my world upside down at the moment. Just me, giving myself love instinctually, and seeing to me respectfully with my new inversion stool!
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Constant Craving
 |
| My Grandpa, breaker of two hearts (my Grandma's and my Dad's) |
Now there's probably more to the story than that, but she was around 40 when that happened, and she never dated anyone again. I remember going to visit my Grandma in her retirement home, where one time I found a little book about how women can live without men and are actually better off. Even as a young girl who hadn't really experienced love, I recognized that as a rationalization rather than a truth*.
I have no doubt that my Grandmother lived a fulfilling life. She was well-liked and was always of great service to her community (first Berkeley, then Oakland when she moved into the retirement home). But I also don't have any doubt that somewhere inside her there was a constant craving that she refused to satisfy and told herself she didn't have because she'd been wounded so badly by her babydaddy.
During some of my darkest moments this summer, I thought about my Grandmother, and it made me all the more resolute that I would get through this heartbreak and go on to the next phase.
I thought about her again when I heard this song last night:
Even through the darkest phase
Be it thick or thin
Always someone marches brave
Here beneath my skin
Constant craving
Has always been
Maybe a great magnet pulls
All souls towards truth
Or maybe it is life itself
That feeds wisdom
To its youth
Constant craving
Has always been
Craving
Ah ha
Constant craving
Has always been
Constant craving
Has always been
Constant craving
Has always been
Craving
Ah ha
Constant Craving
Has always been
Has always been
Has always been
Has always been
Has always been
Has always been
Yep, and as long as I live, I'm going to make sure it always will be, too!
*Just to be clear, when I say that not needing a man is a rationalization, it isn't a commentary on those who partner with their own gender like the uncapitalized artist featured here. It's merely a commentary on opting out of love after being hurt.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Take Care of Yourself
This morning on my bike ride to work, it was only 20 degrees, and because it's November 12, I left the house without my heavy-duty winter biking gear. I was cold on my ride, really, really cold. But I tried not to judge that feeling, and instead, just noticed it.
That outlook didn't make my thighs and butt any less chapped when I arrived at the gym to thaw out, but it take make the ride a lot more pleasant. It left room to also notice the sunshine and the feeling I have every single time I get on my bike -- no matter the weather -- the delicious freedom of moving through the world on my own power.
Now that my commute is 6 miles each way rather than 3, my power (aka the size of my butt and thighs) is more formidable than it has ever been. And it's not just my bicycling prowess that's feeling so strong, it's the rest of me, too. All this Ashtanga yoga means my upper body is also at an all-time strong, and that feels really good too.
But it goes beyond physical strength. I experienced a monumental loss this summer, one that at times, I wasn't sure I would survive, or at least, I wasn't sure I would survive with an open heart. But I have survived. And I'm working on keeping my heart open, but I'm not there yet. There's a feeling that I've described before in this blog, a tightness behind my heart. It ebbs and flows, but it hasn't gone away. And that's ok. It tells me I'm still healing. Just like the cold air on my bike ride this morning, I can just notice it. No judgment. (That's always the goal, and at the moment, I actually feel capable of it, which also lets me know I'm healing.)
While eating dinner last night, I was joined by my friends from Glee, and they aptly picked a song (which I believe was originally recorded by Teddy Thompson), that has the same sort of "just notice -- this is how it is -- kind of attitude about letting go of a love:
It's time for us to part
Yeah, it's best for us to part
Oh, but I love you
I love you
Take care of yourself
I'll miss you
The nights are long alone
I sit alone and moan
'Cause I love you
Oooooo, I love you
Take care of yourself
I'll miss you
And no more tears to cry
I'm out of goodbyes
It's time for us to part
Although it breaks my heart
'Cause I love you
I love you
Take care of yourself
Take care of yourself
Take care of yourself
I love you
The song doesn't pretend that it's easy or neat or tidy, and it doesn't pretend that the love goes away. And that pretty much sums it up for me!
That outlook didn't make my thighs and butt any less chapped when I arrived at the gym to thaw out, but it take make the ride a lot more pleasant. It left room to also notice the sunshine and the feeling I have every single time I get on my bike -- no matter the weather -- the delicious freedom of moving through the world on my own power.
Now that my commute is 6 miles each way rather than 3, my power (aka the size of my butt and thighs) is more formidable than it has ever been. And it's not just my bicycling prowess that's feeling so strong, it's the rest of me, too. All this Ashtanga yoga means my upper body is also at an all-time strong, and that feels really good too.
But it goes beyond physical strength. I experienced a monumental loss this summer, one that at times, I wasn't sure I would survive, or at least, I wasn't sure I would survive with an open heart. But I have survived. And I'm working on keeping my heart open, but I'm not there yet. There's a feeling that I've described before in this blog, a tightness behind my heart. It ebbs and flows, but it hasn't gone away. And that's ok. It tells me I'm still healing. Just like the cold air on my bike ride this morning, I can just notice it. No judgment. (That's always the goal, and at the moment, I actually feel capable of it, which also lets me know I'm healing.)
While eating dinner last night, I was joined by my friends from Glee, and they aptly picked a song (which I believe was originally recorded by Teddy Thompson), that has the same sort of "just notice -- this is how it is -- kind of attitude about letting go of a love:
It's time for us to part
Yeah, it's best for us to part
Oh, but I love you
I love you
Take care of yourself
I'll miss you
The nights are long alone
I sit alone and moan
'Cause I love you
Oooooo, I love you
Take care of yourself
I'll miss you
And no more tears to cry
I'm out of goodbyes
It's time for us to part
Although it breaks my heart
'Cause I love you
I love you
Take care of yourself
Take care of yourself
Take care of yourself
I love you
The song doesn't pretend that it's easy or neat or tidy, and it doesn't pretend that the love goes away. And that pretty much sums it up for me!
Monday, November 11, 2013
Real Love
Yesterday during rake-a-thon 2013, I was listening to Slacker to help keep me going. I was listening to the "55 best songs of the 90s" -- which included some really great tunes that brought back a lot of memories.
I love Mary J., but this song, number 55, wasn't one that I was particularly excited to hear:
We are lovers through and through and though
We made it through the storm
I really want you to realize
I really want to put you on
I've been searchin' for someone
To satisfy my every need
Won't you be my inspiration
Be the real love that I need
Real love, I'm searchin' for a real love
Someone to set my heart free
Real love, I'm searchin' for a real love
Not when I heard it the first time:
Ooh, when I met you I just knew
That you would take my heart and run
Until you told me how you felt for me
You said I'm not the one
So I slowly came to see
All of the things that you were made of
And now I hope my dreams and inspirations
Lead me to want some real love
Real love, I'm searchin' for a real love
Someone to set my heart free
Real love, I'm searchin' for a real love
I got to have a real love
Or the second time:
Love so true and oh baby, I thought that your love was true
I thought you were the answer to the questions in my mind
But it seems that I was wrong
If I stay strong maybe I'll find my real love
So I try my best and pray to God
He'll send me someone real
To caress me and to guide me
Towards a love my heart can feel
Now, I know I can be faithful
I can be your all in all
I'll give you good lovin' through
The summer time, winter, spring and fall
Real love, I'm searchin' for a real love
Someone to set my heart free
Real love, I'm searchin' for a real love
And definitely not the third time - - for some reason the top 55 just kept starting over -- and it started feeling like Mary J. had a message for me, whether I wanted it or not:
You see I'm searching for a real love and I don't know where to go
(Real love, I'm searchin' for a real love)
Been around the world and high and low and still I'll never know
(Someone to set my heart free)
How it feels to have a real love 'cause it seems it's not around
(Real love, I'm searchin' for a real love)
Gotta end it in this way because it seems he can't be found
Real love, I'm searchin' for a real love
Someone to set my heart free
Real love, I'm searchin' for a real love
Yes I am...
I love Mary J., but this song, number 55, wasn't one that I was particularly excited to hear:
We are lovers through and through and though
We made it through the storm
I really want you to realize
I really want to put you on
I've been searchin' for someone
To satisfy my every need
Won't you be my inspiration
Be the real love that I need
Real love, I'm searchin' for a real love
Someone to set my heart free
Real love, I'm searchin' for a real love
Not when I heard it the first time:
Ooh, when I met you I just knew
That you would take my heart and run
Until you told me how you felt for me
You said I'm not the one
So I slowly came to see
All of the things that you were made of
And now I hope my dreams and inspirations
Lead me to want some real love
Real love, I'm searchin' for a real love
Someone to set my heart free
Real love, I'm searchin' for a real love
I got to have a real love
Or the second time:
Love so true and oh baby, I thought that your love was true
I thought you were the answer to the questions in my mind
But it seems that I was wrong
If I stay strong maybe I'll find my real love
So I try my best and pray to God
He'll send me someone real
To caress me and to guide me
Towards a love my heart can feel
Now, I know I can be faithful
I can be your all in all
I'll give you good lovin' through
The summer time, winter, spring and fall
Real love, I'm searchin' for a real love
Someone to set my heart free
Real love, I'm searchin' for a real love
And definitely not the third time - - for some reason the top 55 just kept starting over -- and it started feeling like Mary J. had a message for me, whether I wanted it or not:
You see I'm searching for a real love and I don't know where to go
(Real love, I'm searchin' for a real love)
Been around the world and high and low and still I'll never know
(Someone to set my heart free)
How it feels to have a real love 'cause it seems it's not around
(Real love, I'm searchin' for a real love)
Gotta end it in this way because it seems he can't be found
Real love, I'm searchin' for a real love
Someone to set my heart free
Real love, I'm searchin' for a real love
Yes I am...
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Falling (Death of a Tree)
When I bought this house, one of the photos that the realtor showed me was of the red maple tree in bloom in the backyard. The picture was nice, but it was late November and all the leaves were down, so it was pretty hard to imagine what it would really be like.
I'm here to say it really, truly is magnificent, and worth every bit of yard work that it and its many tree friends in my much-bigger-than-at-my-old-house yard produce:
I heard a beautiful song the other day that is nearly perfect for marking this day -- I say nearly because luckily, my tree isn't dead:
I'll awake to find your love
Falling like leaves to the ground
I'll awake to find your love, falling like leaves
You will look to find me down upon my knees
Without a sound
You will look to find me
Down upon my knees
I'm not sure I really understand this song, but it seems to speak to my experience in my last relationship. Although I didn't literally get down on my knees, I did hang it all out there, and even proposed at one point:
Then we can fling wide the gates
Let go the last of our hate then we can sigh
Like the cool clear wind up high through the sky above
Then we can say we're in love
And we did say we were in love, from the first weekend we spent together when the leaves were just beginning to change in the East:
Then we can rest mortal eyes
Laugh as we run out of temporal breath
Then we can move, we can sing, we can tremble
Like birds through the sky above
Then we can say we're in love
Yep, we were able to do all those things, and yet, our love, like the leaves of the red maple -- as majestic as it was -- eventually fell...
I'm here to say it really, truly is magnificent, and worth every bit of yard work that it and its many tree friends in my much-bigger-than-at-my-old-house yard produce:
 |
| Here's the view from my living room window |
 |
| Here's the tree in all its glory |
 |
| When most of the leaves fell, they made a gorgeous ground cover... |
 |
| But the tree, all ready for winter, is not nearly as photo-worthy! |
I'll awake to find your love
Falling like leaves to the ground
I'll awake to find your love, falling like leaves
You will look to find me down upon my knees
Without a sound
You will look to find me
Down upon my knees
I'm not sure I really understand this song, but it seems to speak to my experience in my last relationship. Although I didn't literally get down on my knees, I did hang it all out there, and even proposed at one point:
Then we can fling wide the gates
Let go the last of our hate then we can sigh
Like the cool clear wind up high through the sky above
Then we can say we're in love
And we did say we were in love, from the first weekend we spent together when the leaves were just beginning to change in the East:
Then we can rest mortal eyes
Laugh as we run out of temporal breath
Then we can move, we can sing, we can tremble
Like birds through the sky above
Then we can say we're in love
Yep, we were able to do all those things, and yet, our love, like the leaves of the red maple -- as majestic as it was -- eventually fell...
Saturday, November 9, 2013
Dreams
On my weekends without my kids, I've got my yoga, and now I've got a new consulting gig to keep me busy. And not just any consulting gig -- one that actually gives me a shot at one of the dreams I hold most dear: improving inner-city schools for poor kids. That's a big deal, and I'm happy about the opportunity, and my friends were happy for me when I told them.
But this being alone thing, it's wearing on me. And just when I think I'm really getting over my last love, I'm struck with a new wave of grief about what we had and what we lost, just like this song from Fleetwood Mac so eloquently articulates:
Now here you go again
You say you want your freedom
Well who am I to keep you down
It's only right that you should
Play the way you feel it
But listen carefully to the sound
Of your loneliness
Like a heartbeat.. drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering what you had
And what you lost...
And what you had...
And what you lost
Thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Say... Women... they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean... you'll know
Here's how I know I'm not washed clean: lately when I get into bed, I'm reminded of how sacred the time we spent in bed together was. I've never felt so close to another human being. So safe. So loved.
I've been working hard at dealing with the lingering wounds that initially kept me from loving from my heart, and then, once I did, kept me from the truth of what I could expect from love. I know I made a lot of headway with those wounds while we were together. But knowing that just reminds me of what I had and what I lost:
Dreams of loneliness...
Like a heartbeat... drives you mad...
In the stillness of remembering what you had...
And what you lost...
And what you had...
And what you lost
I'm not saying I won't find it again, and this time with someone who is looking to fall in love all the way. And if he isn't, I'm going to be much better at recognizing that the next time around, getting out before, you know, I start sending out Christmas cards with pictures of the four of us as a family.
I know that I need to be gentle with myself. And I know that I need to be patient. It's just that sometimes, neither of those are easy to do...
But this being alone thing, it's wearing on me. And just when I think I'm really getting over my last love, I'm struck with a new wave of grief about what we had and what we lost, just like this song from Fleetwood Mac so eloquently articulates:
Now here you go again
You say you want your freedom
Well who am I to keep you down
It's only right that you should
Play the way you feel it
But listen carefully to the sound
Of your loneliness
Like a heartbeat.. drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering what you had
And what you lost...
And what you had...
And what you lost
Thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Say... Women... they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean... you'll know
Here's how I know I'm not washed clean: lately when I get into bed, I'm reminded of how sacred the time we spent in bed together was. I've never felt so close to another human being. So safe. So loved.
I've been working hard at dealing with the lingering wounds that initially kept me from loving from my heart, and then, once I did, kept me from the truth of what I could expect from love. I know I made a lot of headway with those wounds while we were together. But knowing that just reminds me of what I had and what I lost:
Dreams of loneliness...
Like a heartbeat... drives you mad...
In the stillness of remembering what you had...
And what you lost...
And what you had...
And what you lost
I'm not saying I won't find it again, and this time with someone who is looking to fall in love all the way. And if he isn't, I'm going to be much better at recognizing that the next time around, getting out before, you know, I start sending out Christmas cards with pictures of the four of us as a family.
I know that I need to be gentle with myself. And I know that I need to be patient. It's just that sometimes, neither of those are easy to do...
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Feather on the Clyde
Yesterday was one emotional day, and I mainly mean the sad variety, but there was a bright spot: An email from my first love, fellow lyric lover, and forever friend, passing this song on to me:
Well there’s a river that runs through Glasgow
And makes her but it breaks her and takes her into the parks
And her current just like my blood flows
Down from the hills, round aching bones to my restless heart
Well I would swim but the river is so wide
And I’m scared I won’t make it to the other side
Well God knows I’ve failed but He knows that I’ve tried
I long for something that’s safe and warm
But all I have is all that is gone
I’m as helpless and as hopeless as a feather on the Clyde
Well on one side all the lights glow
And the folks know and the kids go where the music and the drinking starts
On the other side where no cars go
Up to the hills that stand alone like my restless heart
Well I would swim but the river is so wide
And I’m scared I won’t make it to the other side
Well God knows I’ve failed but He knows that I’ve tried
I long for something that’s safe and warm
But all I have is all that is gone
I’m as helpless and as hopeless as a feather on the Clyde
Well the sun sets late in Glasgow
And the daylight and the city part
And I think of you in Glasgow
Cos you’re all that’s safe, you’re all that’s warm in my restless heart
Yesiree, I've got a restless heart, too, only it's not finding a lot of warmth or safety these days.
Off to therapy this morning for some help and hope...
Well there’s a river that runs through Glasgow
And makes her but it breaks her and takes her into the parks
And her current just like my blood flows
Down from the hills, round aching bones to my restless heart
Well I would swim but the river is so wide
And I’m scared I won’t make it to the other side
Well God knows I’ve failed but He knows that I’ve tried
I long for something that’s safe and warm
But all I have is all that is gone
I’m as helpless and as hopeless as a feather on the Clyde
Well on one side all the lights glow
And the folks know and the kids go where the music and the drinking starts
On the other side where no cars go
Up to the hills that stand alone like my restless heart
Well I would swim but the river is so wide
And I’m scared I won’t make it to the other side
Well God knows I’ve failed but He knows that I’ve tried
I long for something that’s safe and warm
But all I have is all that is gone
I’m as helpless and as hopeless as a feather on the Clyde
Well the sun sets late in Glasgow
And the daylight and the city part
And I think of you in Glasgow
Cos you’re all that’s safe, you’re all that’s warm in my restless heart
Yesiree, I've got a restless heart, too, only it's not finding a lot of warmth or safety these days.
Off to therapy this morning for some help and hope...
Monday, November 4, 2013
Throwing It All Away
Again with the dreams! This time I dreamt that I was meeting with someone, I don't remember who or if I even knew them, but I was telling the person about the good qualities of my last love. "He's got some work to do," I admitted, "but he's an amazing person."
When I woke up, I revisited a conversation that happened this weekend when my kids and I went to our neighbors for dinner. She was asking me about the big departure in my life this summer, and, with my son sitting between us, asked me if I still missed my exboyfriend. I didn't know what to say. I hate being in this position - needing to be ok with something I'm not ok with -- and I guess I'm not sure where that need comes from -- because she wasn't really asking me to be ok with anything, just how I felt. But I didn't want to admit my feelings. I don't like them. They're uncomfortable and complicated.
I called up my friend tonight to tell her about the dream, and she said she thought I was trying to make sure that although I was letting him go, he wasn't being discarded, that he had good qualities too. She also said that she's been taught that one way to interpret dreams is that everyone is you, so maybe it also meant that although he let me go, I needed to be reminded that I have good qualities, and I don't deserve to be discarded, either.
This interpretation brought on the tears that started to show themselves during my yoga practice this evening, and that are keeping me company as I write this post, along with Phil Collins and company in this moldy oldie selection from my internal ipod:
Need I say I love you
Need I say I care
Need I say that emotion's
Something we don't share
I don't want to be sitting here
Trying to deceive you
Cos you know I know baby
That I don't wanna go.
We cannot live together
We cannot live apart
That's the situation
I've known it from the start
Every time that I look at you
I can see the future
Cos you know I know babe
That I don't wanna go.
Throwing it all away
Throwing it all away
Is there nothing that I can say
To make you change your mind
I watch the world go round and round
And see mine turning upside down
You're throwing it all away.
Now who will light up the darkness
Who will hold your hand
Who will find you the answers
When you don't understand
Why should I have to be the one
Who has to convince you
Cos you know I know baby
That I don't wanna go.
Someday you'll be sorry
Someday when you're free
Memories will remind you
That our love was meant to be
Late at night when you call my name
The only sound you'll hear
Is the sound of your voice calling
Calling after me.
Just throwing it all away
Throwing it all away
There's nothing I can say
We're throwing it all away
Yes we're throwing it all away...
When I woke up, I revisited a conversation that happened this weekend when my kids and I went to our neighbors for dinner. She was asking me about the big departure in my life this summer, and, with my son sitting between us, asked me if I still missed my exboyfriend. I didn't know what to say. I hate being in this position - needing to be ok with something I'm not ok with -- and I guess I'm not sure where that need comes from -- because she wasn't really asking me to be ok with anything, just how I felt. But I didn't want to admit my feelings. I don't like them. They're uncomfortable and complicated.
I called up my friend tonight to tell her about the dream, and she said she thought I was trying to make sure that although I was letting him go, he wasn't being discarded, that he had good qualities too. She also said that she's been taught that one way to interpret dreams is that everyone is you, so maybe it also meant that although he let me go, I needed to be reminded that I have good qualities, and I don't deserve to be discarded, either.
This interpretation brought on the tears that started to show themselves during my yoga practice this evening, and that are keeping me company as I write this post, along with Phil Collins and company in this moldy oldie selection from my internal ipod:
Need I say I love you
Need I say I care
Need I say that emotion's
Something we don't share
I don't want to be sitting here
Trying to deceive you
Cos you know I know baby
That I don't wanna go.
We cannot live together
We cannot live apart
That's the situation
I've known it from the start
Every time that I look at you
I can see the future
Cos you know I know babe
That I don't wanna go.
Throwing it all away
Throwing it all away
Is there nothing that I can say
To make you change your mind
I watch the world go round and round
And see mine turning upside down
You're throwing it all away.
Now who will light up the darkness
Who will hold your hand
Who will find you the answers
When you don't understand
Why should I have to be the one
Who has to convince you
Cos you know I know baby
That I don't wanna go.
Someday you'll be sorry
Someday when you're free
Memories will remind you
That our love was meant to be
Late at night when you call my name
The only sound you'll hear
Is the sound of your voice calling
Calling after me.
Just throwing it all away
Throwing it all away
There's nothing I can say
We're throwing it all away
Yes we're throwing it all away...
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Dream about Flying
I didn't wake up with a song in my head this morning; instead, I awoke to the memory of a very distinct dream. I dreamt about owls, and one owl in particular, whose wings were like a cape, and who appeared to be the teacher. I wasn't sure what to make of it, so I googled dreams about owls, and this is what I found:
"When you dream about an owl, your spirit animal may be contacting you to warn you about a danger or threat hat you need to pay attention to. It can bring a wise insight about important matters that you should not ignore.
When an owl appears in a dream, it could also mean that the intuitive part of you is calling for attention: Pay attention and listen to the subtle signs in your life, to what is important, but not necessarily obviously so.
The owl could also be a animal spirit guide offering you insight about a moment of transition. Since this totem animal is often associated with death, when an owl shows up in a dream, it could mean that you are receiving guidance regarding personal transformation, change.
In many dream interpretations, the owl can represent a deceased friend or family member who comes back in the dream in the shape of a spirit animal."
And it made sense on a couple of levels. One, I definitely feel like I'm undergoing a personal transformation. This letting go, really letting go, is something different than what I've done before. I've both never loved like that and I've never let go like that either. It feels totally new and not altogether comfortable.
And two, when I turned on my computer this morning, there was an email from an old college friend about our mutual friend who died four years ago. He really opened up about his feelings about her death, and I, when I wrote back, about mine. It was pretty cathartic, and it wouldn't surprise me a bit if, on one level, our departed friend was the owl. She was super smart, and super wise, and her nickname in college from one of our guy group of friends was "the hawk."
Today's song selection sings of the pain we sometimes feel upon waking, whether from a good dream or a disturbing dream, when we're confronted with the reality:
Pale light this morning
Woke me
Slow pain I feel
Will not let me be
So much work to do
I don't know if I can
Trying so hard, so hard, so hard
But I'm just one man
Five years old I climbed up on the wall
My mother warned me but I took no heed
Like all creatures great and small
I took a fall and found out I could bleed
These days I'm afraid of everything
Suppose cause everything will die
Thought it was to love what they will lose
So much easier to lie
Sometimes I fell like I'm drowning
Actually it's more like most of the time
But every now and then when I'm sleeping
I still have a dream that I'm flying
And I wake up crying
Pretty depressing song, I know. But such is life, sometimes: more comfortable in sleep than awake, more comfortable in the unconscious than the conscious...
"When you dream about an owl, your spirit animal may be contacting you to warn you about a danger or threat hat you need to pay attention to. It can bring a wise insight about important matters that you should not ignore.
When an owl appears in a dream, it could also mean that the intuitive part of you is calling for attention: Pay attention and listen to the subtle signs in your life, to what is important, but not necessarily obviously so.
The owl could also be a animal spirit guide offering you insight about a moment of transition. Since this totem animal is often associated with death, when an owl shows up in a dream, it could mean that you are receiving guidance regarding personal transformation, change.
In many dream interpretations, the owl can represent a deceased friend or family member who comes back in the dream in the shape of a spirit animal."
And it made sense on a couple of levels. One, I definitely feel like I'm undergoing a personal transformation. This letting go, really letting go, is something different than what I've done before. I've both never loved like that and I've never let go like that either. It feels totally new and not altogether comfortable.
And two, when I turned on my computer this morning, there was an email from an old college friend about our mutual friend who died four years ago. He really opened up about his feelings about her death, and I, when I wrote back, about mine. It was pretty cathartic, and it wouldn't surprise me a bit if, on one level, our departed friend was the owl. She was super smart, and super wise, and her nickname in college from one of our guy group of friends was "the hawk."
Today's song selection sings of the pain we sometimes feel upon waking, whether from a good dream or a disturbing dream, when we're confronted with the reality:
Pale light this morning
Woke me
Slow pain I feel
Will not let me be
So much work to do
I don't know if I can
Trying so hard, so hard, so hard
But I'm just one man
Five years old I climbed up on the wall
My mother warned me but I took no heed
Like all creatures great and small
I took a fall and found out I could bleed
These days I'm afraid of everything
Suppose cause everything will die
Thought it was to love what they will lose
So much easier to lie
Sometimes I fell like I'm drowning
Actually it's more like most of the time
But every now and then when I'm sleeping
I still have a dream that I'm flying
And I wake up crying
Pretty depressing song, I know. But such is life, sometimes: more comfortable in sleep than awake, more comfortable in the unconscious than the conscious...
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