Ordinary World

Last night I made dinner for my realtor and my mortgage person -- something I promised to do at the closing on this house, which was December 14, 2012. I thought it was about time to make good on that promise (nearly a year later!), and it was fun to show them what I've done with the house.

Moving here was a decision I made when I got to the point when I was more willing to face the truth about the person who was my boyfriend than I was willing to keep pretending everything was going to be alright despite all the evidence to the contrary. After he'd lived here a year and a half, I thought he might be ready to buy a house with me. He wasn't. I understood the reasons, bought the house by myself and offered to have him move in with us anyway, as my partner. I made it clear that I meant as partners, no more playing house.

Shortly after that, he made the decision to leave Madison altogether in the summer. As most of y'all know, it was a tough time leading up to his departure and it was a tough time after he left, but when I heard this song on the radio at the gym today...

Came in from a rainy Thursday
On the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly

I turned on the lights, the TV
And the radio
Still I can't escape the ghost of you

What has happened to it all?
Crazy, some are saying
Where is the life that I recognize?
Gone away

...I made a decision:

But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Now I'm not saying I won't still cry when I feel like crying, but I am saying that as much as I can, I'm going to try to move on. To stop thinking about it and writing about it as much as I am. To turn my attention from the past to the present and the future. There's a saying in Alanon: "Fake it til you make it." I didn't care for it at first, because it sounded anathema to my usual modus operandi, which is all about truth.

If this is what I feel:

Passion or coincidence
Once prompted you to say
"Pride will tear us both apart"
Well now pride's gone out the window
Cross the rooftops
Run away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart

What is happening to me?
Crazy, some'd say
Where is my friend when I need you most?
Gone away

...then this is what I should think/blog about. But the point isn't to deny the truth of your feelings, the point is to label them just that: feelings. Feelings aren't facts. They need to be felt, yes, but then, if we don't attach a story to them, they leave us again:

But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to try to drop the story, where/when possible, try to get a little more perspective:

Papers in the roadside
Tell of suffering and greed
Here today, forgot tomorrow
Ooh, here besides the news
Of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk

..and see if it's possible to start moving on, for real:

And I don't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Every one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world
Every one
Is my world...