Brain Damage

Today I went to an amazing talk about inherent bias that made way more sense than any other way I've heard it explained. If you haven't seen this video of the guy who tries to learn how to ride a bike that is engineered to have steering that is opposite from normal -- it's totally worth checking out.

It illustrates how our brains become wired one way and gaining knowledge that a different action will be needed is NOT enough to change behavior. Instead, we have to mindfully choose, each time, a different path, and even then, sometimes have to practice it over and over again before we manage the new way of doing something.

Those of us who've been through developmental trauma in our lives, like my friend Marshall Mathers, have to learn to override those early messages and it can be a painstaking process:

Brain damage, ever since the day I was born
Drugs, what they used to say I was on
They say I never knew which way I was goin'
But everywhere I go they keep playin' my song

Brain damage, ever since the day I was born
Drugs, what they used to say I was on
They say I never knew which way I was goin'
But everywhere I go they keep playin' my song
Brain damage

Way before my baby daughter Hailey,
I was harassed daily by this fat kid named D'Angelo Bailey.
An eighth grader who acted obnoxious, 'cause his father boxes,
So everyday he'd shove me in the lockers.
One day he came in the bathroom while I was pissin',
And had me in the position to beat me into submission.
He banged my head against the urinal 'til he broke my nose,
Soaked my clothes in blood, grabbed me and choked my throat.
I tried to plead and tell him, "We shouldn't beef"
But he just wouldn't leave, he kept chokin' me and I couldn't breathe.
He looked at me and said, "You gonna die honky!"
The principal walked in and started helping him stomp me.
I made them think they beat me to death,
Holdin' my breath for like five minutes before they finally left.
Then I got up and ran to the janitor's storage booth.
Kicked the door hinge loose and ripped out the four inch screws.
Grabbed some sharp objects, brooms, and foreign tools.
"This is for every time you took my orange juice,
Or stole my seat in the lunchroom and drank my chocolate milk.
Every time you tipped my tray and it dropped and spilt.
I'm gettin' you back bully! Now once and for good.
I cocked the broomstick back and swung hard as I could,
And beat him over the head with it 'til I broke the wood.
Knocked him down, stood on his chest with one foot.
Made it home later that same day.
Started reading the comics, and suddenly everything became gray.
I couldn't even see what I was trying to read.
I went deaf, and my left ear started to bleed.
My mother started screamin', "What are you on, drugs??
Look at you, you're gettin' blood all over my rug!" (Stop!)
She beat me over the head with the remote control,
Opened a hole and my whole brain fell out of my skull.
I picked it up and screamed, "Look bitch, what have you done?"
"Oh my God, I'm sorry son" "Shut up you cunt!"
I said, "Fuck it!" took it and stuck it back up in my head,
Then I sewed it shut and put a couple of screws in my neck.

Brain damage, ever since the day I was born
Drugs, what they used to say I was on
They say I never knew which way I was goin'
But everywhere I go they keep playin' my song

I admire Eminem for rapping his way to a different place in life, and I'm grateful every single day for the opportunity to rewire my neural pathways. It may take most of my life to do it, and I am determined to both do it for myself and write about it so that others might have a guide on the journey to wholeness...

Hiding My Heart

My friend posted an album of Brandi Carlile covers on FB. There were a few good ones, but the best one of a song I haven't already posted about was this one:

This is how the story went
I met someone by accident
Who blew me away
Blew me away
And It was in the darkest of my days
When you took my sorrow and you took my pain
And buried them away, buried them away

I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You'll disappear one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away

I spent a LOT of my life hiding my heart away. So grateful that phase is over.

Sing it Brandi:

Dropped you off at the train station
Put a kiss on top of your head
Watched you wave
And watched you wave
Then I went on home to my skyscrapers
And neon lights and waiting papers
That I call home
I call that home

I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You'll disappear one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away
Away, yeah

Very, very soon, I'll get to lay down beside my love. A year ago I wasn't sure that would ever happen again:

Woke up feeling heavy hearted
I'm going back to where I started
The morning rain
The morning rain
And though I wish that you were here
On that same old road that brought me here
It's calling me home
It's calling me home

I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You'll disappear one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away

No I won't. Instead I'll spend the rest of my life grateful to finally get to be with my love...

Oxford Comma

The (nearly) 46 year old birthday girl!

My friend helped me kickoff my birthday week in style with a delicious dinner at Field Table.

It was lovely and we noted that the tunes were more from our era than our waitress's, who was wearing a Vampire Weekend Tshirt.

"I'm pretty sure that's a band," I told my friend, and then I came home and looked it up.

Sure enough! And a fun one at that. Here's a little sample:

Who gives a fuck about an Oxford comma?
I've seen those English dramas too
They're cruel
So if there's any other way
To spell the word
It's fine with me, with me

Why would you speak to me that way
Especially when I always said that I
Haven't got the words for you
All your diction dripping with disdain
Through the pain
I always tell the truth

Who gives a fuck about an Oxford comma?
I climbed to Dharamsala too
I did
I met the highest lama
His accent sounded fine
To me, to me

Check your handbook
It's no trick
Take the chapstick
Put it on your lips
Crack a smile
Adjust my tie
Know your boyfriend, unlike other guys

Why would you lie about how much coal you have?
Why would you lie about something dumb like that?
Why would you lie about anything at all?
First the window, then it's to the wall
Lil' Jon, he always tells the truth

Check your passport
It's no trick
Take the chapstick
Put it on your lips
Crack a smile
Adjust my tie
Know your butler, unlike other guys
Why would you lie about how much coal you have?
Why would you lie about something dumb like that?
Why would you lie about anything at all?
First the window, then it's through the wall
Why would you tape my conversations?
Show your paintings
At the United Nations
Lil' Jon, he always tells the truth

I love discovering new music!

If I Ever Feel Better

This day has included some really crappy parts, and someone having a similar experience posted this song on Facebook:

They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive
It's like a bad day that never ends
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There are things in my life I can't control

True dat. But not buying into this next verse:

They say love ain't nothing but a sore
I don't even know what love is
Too many tears have had to fall
Don't you know I'm so tired of it all
I have known terror dizzy spells
Finding out the secrets words won't tell
Whatever it is it can't be named
There's a part of my world that's fading away

I learn a little more every day about what love is. Even on the hard days. Maybe especially on the hard days:

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

I know I'll feel better. I've got too many great things in my life to get down for long...

Don't Speak

This song is on repeat in my head today:

You and me
We used to be together
Everyday together always
I really feel
That I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe
This could be the end
It looks as though you're letting go
And if it's real
Well I don't want to know

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

Our memories
Well, they can be inviting
But some are altogether
Mighty frightening
As we die, both you and I
With my head in my hands
I sit and cry

I just finished watching a four-part series called National Treasure on Hulu. It's about sexual abuse, family, and the nature of memory. It's fascinating and well done and it hits close to home.

I reckon this song, with its title about keeping silent so as not to hurt someone, came to me because this is what I did for a long, long time:

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

It's all ending
I gotta stop pretending who we are...

Yes I did. It hasn't been easy on my parents, but then, neither was living with a secret all those years:

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't tell me cause it hurts!
I know what you're saying
So please stop explaining

Love on the Brain

That's right -- This Dodge Dart was all OURS!

My kids and I spent all last week road trippin' around the Pacific Northwest.

We really loved it, and more often than not, we heard this song when we were cruising around:

And you got me like oh
What you want from me?
What you want from me?
And I tried to buy your pretty heart, but the price too high
Baby, you got me like oh, mm
You love when I fall apart, fall apart
So you can put me together
And throw me against the wall

Baby, you got me like ah, woo, ah
Don't you stop loving me, loving me
Don't quit loving me, loving me
Just start loving me, loving me, babe

Oh, and, babe, I'm fist fighting with fire
Just to get close to you
Can we burn something, babe?

Love, love, love the Oregon coast -- this spot is Newport

And I run for miles just to get a taste
Must be love on the brain
That's got me feeling this way
It beats me black and blue but it fucks me so good
And I can't get enough
Must be love on the brain, yeah
And it keeps cursing my name, cursing my name
No matter what I do
I'm no good without you
And I can't get enough
Must be love on the brain

You know me. I always have love on the brain:

Then you keep loving me
Just love me, yeah

Oh Seattle, how we loved you -- and your seals!

Just love me
All you need to do is love me yeah
Got me like ah-ah-ah-ow
I'm tired of being played like a violin
What do I gotta do to get in your motherfuckin' heart?

Baby, like ah, woo, ah
Don't you stop loving me, loving me
Don't quit loving me, loving me
Just start loving me, loving me, babe

Oh, and, babe, I'm fist fighting with fire
Just to get close to you
Can we burn something, babe?
And I run for miles just to get a taste
Must be love on the brain
That's got me feeling this way
It beats me black and blue but it fucks me so good
And I can't get enough
Must be love on the brain
And it keeps cursing my name, cursing my name
No matter what I do
I'm no good without you
And I can't get enough
Must be love on the brain

Yeah it is!

One Way or Another

This song is booming away on the inner jukebox today:

One way or another I'm gonna find ya
I'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha
One way or another I'm gonna win ya
I'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha
One way or another I'm gonna see ya
I'm gonna meetcha meetcha meetcha meetcha
One day, maybe next week
I'm gonna meetcha, I'm gonna meetcha, I'll meetcha
I will drive past your house
And if the lights are all down
I'll see who's around

I am missing my man in a big way today, and I wish I could get him TODAY, but alas, it's only 3 weeks until I see him and we begin our new life together. No more long distance - yay!

One way or another I'm gonna find ya
I'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha
One way or another I'm gonna win ya
I'll getcha, I'll getcha
One way or another I'm gonna see ya
I'm gonna meetcha meetcha meetcha meetcha
One day, maybe next week
I'm gonna meetcha, I'll meetcha

And if the lights are all out
I'll follow your bus downtown
See who's hanging out

One way or another I'm gonna getcha, I'll getcha, I'll getcha getcha getcha getcha
(Where I can see it all, find out who ya call)
One way or another I'm gonna getcha, I'll getcha, I'll getcha getcha getcha getcha
(Where I can see it all, find out who ya call)
One way or another I'm gonna getcha, I'll getcha, I'll getcha getcha getcha getcha
(Where I can see it all, find out who ya call)

Yes I am. Alas, not today.

But very, very soon...