Brain Damage

Today I went to an amazing talk about inherent bias that made way more sense than any other way I've heard it explained. If you haven't seen this video of the guy who tries to learn how to ride a bike that is engineered to have steering that is opposite from normal -- it's totally worth checking out.

It illustrates how our brains become wired one way and gaining knowledge that a different action will be needed is NOT enough to change behavior. Instead, we have to mindfully choose, each time, a different path, and even then, sometimes have to practice it over and over again before we manage the new way of doing something.

Those of us who've been through developmental trauma in our lives, like my friend Marshall Mathers, have to learn to override those early messages and it can be a painstaking process:

Brain damage, ever since the day I was born
Drugs, what they used to say I was on
They say I never knew which way I was goin'
But everywhere I go they keep playin' my song

Brain damage, ever since the day I was born
Drugs, what they used to say I was on
They say I never knew which way I was goin'
But everywhere I go they keep playin' my song
Brain damage

Way before my baby daughter Hailey,
I was harassed daily by this fat kid named D'Angelo Bailey.
An eighth grader who acted obnoxious, 'cause his father boxes,
So everyday he'd shove me in the lockers.
One day he came in the bathroom while I was pissin',
And had me in the position to beat me into submission.
He banged my head against the urinal 'til he broke my nose,
Soaked my clothes in blood, grabbed me and choked my throat.
I tried to plead and tell him, "We shouldn't beef"
But he just wouldn't leave, he kept chokin' me and I couldn't breathe.
He looked at me and said, "You gonna die honky!"
The principal walked in and started helping him stomp me.
I made them think they beat me to death,
Holdin' my breath for like five minutes before they finally left.
Then I got up and ran to the janitor's storage booth.
Kicked the door hinge loose and ripped out the four inch screws.
Grabbed some sharp objects, brooms, and foreign tools.
"This is for every time you took my orange juice,
Or stole my seat in the lunchroom and drank my chocolate milk.
Every time you tipped my tray and it dropped and spilt.
I'm gettin' you back bully! Now once and for good.
I cocked the broomstick back and swung hard as I could,
And beat him over the head with it 'til I broke the wood.
Knocked him down, stood on his chest with one foot.
Made it home later that same day.
Started reading the comics, and suddenly everything became gray.
I couldn't even see what I was trying to read.
I went deaf, and my left ear started to bleed.
My mother started screamin', "What are you on, drugs??
Look at you, you're gettin' blood all over my rug!" (Stop!)
She beat me over the head with the remote control,
Opened a hole and my whole brain fell out of my skull.
I picked it up and screamed, "Look bitch, what have you done?"
"Oh my God, I'm sorry son" "Shut up you cunt!"
I said, "Fuck it!" took it and stuck it back up in my head,
Then I sewed it shut and put a couple of screws in my neck.

Brain damage, ever since the day I was born
Drugs, what they used to say I was on
They say I never knew which way I was goin'
But everywhere I go they keep playin' my song

I admire Eminem for rapping his way to a different place in life, and I'm grateful every single day for the opportunity to rewire my neural pathways. It may take most of my life to do it, and I am determined to both do it for myself and write about it so that others might have a guide on the journey to wholeness...