Build Me Up Buttercup

I am struggling mightily right now with the desire to eat what I want to eat and drink what I want to drink rather than continuing on with the Whole 30 program to which I am committed. (I'm on Day 8 of 30.)

I have a pretty healthy diet anyway, but man, does giving up all sugar, grains and alcohol make one aware of one's crutches and how well they do the job of propping one up on a daily basis. I understand that removing those props will benefit me in the long term. I'm already seeing tremendous benefits in terms of increased mobility in my joints from reducing inflammation, but man, it sucks not to be able to have a piece of peanut butter toast or some ice cream or a glass of wine with dinner. Apparently in another week or two I'll be over the hump and not craving/feeling deprived, but I'm not there yet!

I've also been up late this week working on a paper and as a result, I didn't make it to yoga this morning and felt tired and off all day.

I did finally make it to yoga tonight, though, where the teacher played a version of this song:

Why do you build me up (build me up) Buttercup, baby
Just to let me down (let me down) and mess me around
And then worst of all (worst of all) you never call, baby
When you say you will (say you will) but I love you still
I need you (I need you) more than anyone, darlin'
You know that I have from the start
So build me up (build me up) Buttercup, don't break my heart

"I'll be over at ten", you told me time and again
But you're late, I wait around and then (bah-dah-dah)
I went to the door, I can't take any more
It's not you, you let me down again

(Hey, hey, hey!) Baby, baby, try to find
(Hey, hey, hey!) A little time and I'll make you mine
(Hey, hey, hey!) I'll be home
I'll be beside the phone waiting for you
Ooo-oo-ooo, ooo-oo-ooo

Why do you build me up (build me up) Buttercup, baby
Just to let me down (let me down) and mess me around
And then worst of all (worst of all) you never call, baby
When you say you will (say you will) but I love you still
I need you (I need you) more than anyone, darlin'
You know that I have from the start
So build me up (build me up) Buttercup, don't break my heart

To you I'm a toy, but I could be the boy you adore
If you'd just let me know (bah-dah-dah)
Although you're untrue, I'm attracted to you all the more
Why do I need you so

(Hey, hey, hey!) Baby, baby, try to find
(Hey, hey, hey!) A little time and I'll make you mine
(Hey, hey, hey!) I'll be home
I'll be beside the phone waiting for you
Ooo-oo-ooo, ooo-oo-ooo

I'm feeling too, lately like it's about bloody time for me to meet someone again who will love and appreciate and support me and to whom I can offer the same. I'm trying not to need it, but I sure as hell want it and after an entire year without any physical contact from a man, well, a girl starts to go a little crazy -- especially without her pals victual and libation.

I-I-I need you-oo-oo more than anyone, baby
You know that I have from the start
So build me up (build me up) Buttercup, don't break my heart

To Build a Home

Today I got to do the work that I love - going to Breathe for Change schools to support the teachers and leaders who are implementing our program. (Speaking of, check out this awesome article about our progress!)

At the second meeting, the teacher played this beautiful song which I'd never heard before:

There is a house built out of stone
Wooden floors, walls and window sills
Tables and chairs worn by all of the dust
This is a place where I don't feel alone
This is a place where I feel at home.

And I built a home
for you
for me

Until it disappeared
from me
from you

A friend took this gorgeous photo of the super moon last night!

And now, it's time to leave and turn to dust...

Out in the garden where we planted the seeds
There is a tree as old as me
Branches were sewn by the color of green
Ground had arose and passed its knees

By the cracks of the skin I climbed to the top
I climbed the tree to see the world
When the gusts came around to blow me down
Held on as tightly as you held on me
Held on as tightly as you held on me...

And I built a home
for you
for me

Until it disappeared
from me
from you

And now, it's time to leave and turn to dust...

I love that this song carries a similar message to the one from the Super Moon last night: let the old stuff go!

Particle Man

Last night during a Breathe for Change gathering, we were doing a guided meditation. I became aware of the particles moving in my body (most easily felt in the hands), and this song popped into my head:

Particle man, particle man
Doing the things a particle can
What's he like? It's not important
Particle man

Is he a dot, or is he a speck?
When he's underwater does he get wet?
Or does the water get him instead?
Nobody knows, Particle man

Triangle man, Triangle man
Triangle man hates particle man
They have a fight, Triangle wins
Triangle man

Universe man, Universe man
Size of the entire universe man
Usually kind to smaller man
Universe man

He's got a watch with a minute hand,
Millenium hand and an eon hand
When they meet it's a happy land
Powerful man, universe man

Person man, person man
Hit on the head with a frying pan
Lives his life in a garbage can
Person man

Is he depressed or is he a mess?
Does he feel totally worthless?
Who came up with person man?
Degraded man, person man

Triangle man, triangle man
Triangle man hates person man
They have a fight, triangle wins
Triangle man

What a classic! The leader of the meditation asked us for the two words that popped into our head to describe how we feel. I was torn between Particle Man and Second Chakra (which I think popped into my head because for the first time in eons I was sitting on the couch next to a hot, single dude), so I decided it was ok for me to have two phrases and used them both!

The only sad part is that none of the other people at the gathering had even ever heard this song...

The Last Day of Summer

I think I'm better at being on vacation than I am at being at home. I sleep better on vacation. I feel better -- less stressed about everything that needs to be done. And I'm trying not to be, but I'm feeling a little depressed about this being the last day of summer.

Lucky for us, some of the most famous depressives wrote a song about this just for today:

Nothing I am
Nothing I dream
Nothing is new
Nothing I think or believe in or say
Nothing is true

It used to be so easy
I never even tried
Yeah it used to be so easy...

But the last day of summer
Never felt so cold
The last day of summer
Never felt so old
Never felt so...

All that I have
All that I hold
All that is wrong
All that I feel for or trust in or love
All that is gone

It used to be so easy
I never even tried
Yeah it used to be so easy...

But then I had to come back from vacation and figure out how to be the brave single mom, homeowner, and business owner that I am.

Good thing it is not in fact, cold today. It actually still feels like summer, so that helps.

It's also the first day of something for me -- the whole 30 program -- which I am excited to see if it does, as it says it does, reduce inflammation in my gut and reduce stiffness in my joints. Finding out if those two things are possible feel like they're worth giving up most of the things I eat, including all grains (that's right, all of them, even brown rice and quinoa), sugar, alcohol and dairy -- though on this plan you can have eggs which is a lifesaver, especially since legumes are on the no list.

I always learn something new when I do a cleanse, and I'm sure this one will be no different. I wish I handled transitions better, but they've always been hard for me. Here's hoping the Whole 30 program will make this transition to fall easier or more fruitful in some way...

Have Love Will Travel

Trails that satisfy me!

I think this might be the original road trip song:

Waaah
Have love, whoa Baby will travel
Have love, yea Darlin' will travel
(I said) If you need lovin'
Then hmm, mmm, I'll travel

Well I travel from Maine to Mexico
Just to find a little girl that'll love me so
No matter where, no matter where I'll be
I'm lookin' for a woman that'll satisfy me

The top of Brockway Mountain this am

Though our motives for getting in the car may be different, this was quite a road trip I embarked upon, and it's going to take all I've got to get back into the car and drive away from this gorgeous place.

After packing up the campsite, I decided to come over and hit some of my faves before getting in the car.

It's soooooooooo hard to leave.

Good thing I have The Sonics:

Have love, whoa Baby I will travel

And of course, my babies at home.

And one day, someday, as one of my yoga teachers likes to say, perhaps I'll inspire some dude to travel to get to me:

Well I might take a boat, or I'll take a plane
Might hitchhike, or jump a railroad train
Your kind of lovin' drives a man insane
So look for me a walkin' just any ol' way

Have love, whoa Babe will travel
Have love, yea Baby will travel
If you need lovin'
Then yeah, yeah, I'll travel

If you need lovin'
Then Woah, I'll travel

One More Night

Soaking up the summer sun on the rocky shore

Spent the day riding again today, but decided to forego the trip to the brewery that turned into a big nap yesterday. Instead I decided to shower and head for Lake Superior.

It never disappoints! There's something about this rocky shoreline that is so grounding, and I could use a little of that right about now.

The beautiful view in the other direction

The weather has been extraordinarily beautiful, the riding fantastic, the sleep restorative, but there is no getting away from the fact that I'm alone up here.

Yesterday at my campsite, a man with young kids asked if I was solo and I said yes, to which he replied that his wife had been watching me and didn't think she'd ever do it by herself.

I felt like saying:

"Well dude, if you had asked me if I'd be here alone when my kids were that age, I would have told you that you were crazy, but here I am."

But I didn't, of course.

He said he thought I had it figured out -- both because he envied my alone time and of course men are much more comfortable than women with solo adventures. I get that.

He also said: "You could be doing this" pointing to his kids. I assured him that I have done that, and that my kids would have liked to have come (and I would have liked to have them), but they were older and had activities and school back at home.

There are some pretty great things about being solo -- lots of time to think -- getting to do what you want when you want -- but one of the things I've affirmed on this trip is that for me, I'd rather share this with someone. And since I'm no longer able to share it with the person I used to share it with, I resolved to make more of an effort to meet people for whom this weekend is their idea of a good time. They exist, I know they do, I just don't really know them (with one exception, and she was unable to join me).

Turns out this is the very last night that the East Campground at Fort Wilkins State Park is open, making this rather insipid Maroon 5 tune, which came to me as my neighbors on the campground were discussing having to pack up and leave in the morning:

You and I go hard at each other like we're going to war.
You and I go rough, we keep throwing things and slamming the door.
You and I get so damn dysfunctional, we stopped keeping score.
You and I get sick, yeah, I know that we can't do this no more.

Yeah, but baby there you go again, there you go again, making me love you.
Yeah, I stopped using my head, using my head, let it all go.
Got you stuck on my body, on my body, like a tattoo.
And now I'm feeling stupid, feeling stupid, crawling back to you.

So I cross my heart and I hope to die
That I'll only stay with you one more night
And I know I said it a million times
But I'll only stay with you one more night

And the song, when it came, reminded me as a number of things have on this trip, that all was not sunshine and daisies when I was with the New Englander, even in beautiful places like this.

There was always a part of me that wished he'd share more of himself with me, or think about us as a unit, but he truly functioned like a solo entity that sometimes had an add-on (or three). This was driven home to me in a comment he made on the way home from here the very last time we were up here together.

He was leaving soon (for New England), and we were talking about the fact that we hadn't been to Marquette yet (another town in the U.P. with great mountain biking), and I mentioned a weekend that I could go. I will never forget what he said in response: "Oh no, I wouldn't be going for comfort."

Meaning that he hadn't been thinking I'd be with him at all, if he did go, and that I didn't really enter the picture for him when he thought about going. My heart sank. That was such a pivotal moment for me. It really made me realize he didn't want to share his life with me, or maybe with anyone, I don't know.

But it's good for me to remember that, because I am also remembering so many delicious things about our relationship while I'm up here:

Try to tell you "no" but my body keeps on telling you "yes".
Try to tell you "stop", but your lipstick got me so out of breath.
I'll be waking up in the morning, probably hating myself.
And I'll be waking up, feeling satisfied but guilty as hell.

Yeah, but baby there you go again, there you go again, making me love you.
(Making me love you)
Yeah, I stopped using my head, using my head, let it all go.
(I let it all go)
Got you stuck on my body, on my body, like a tattoo.
(Like a tattoo, yeah)
And now I'm feeling stupid, feeling stupid, crawling back to you.

And I also feel grateful, that since he really had no intention of truly partnering with me, that he did leave. Because god knows it was nearly impossible for me to stay away from him when he was nearby -- my physical body just wouldn't have it:

So I cross my heart and I hope to die
(Yeah)
That I'll only stay with you one more night
(Oh)
And I know I said it a million times
(Yeah)
But I'll only stay with you one more night
(Yeah)

Yeah, baby, give me one more night
Yeah, baby, give me one more night (whoa, yeah)
Yeah, baby, give me one more night (oh, yeah, yeah)

The Other Side

My Sweet Little Lakefront Campsite!

The Upper Peninsula loves it some classic rock, and this trip up here was no exception.

Take it away Aerosmith:

Loving you has got to be (take me to the other side)
Like the devil and the deep blue sea (take me to the other side)
Forget about your foolish pride (take me to the other side)
Oh take me to the other side (take me to the other side)

My mamma told me there'd be days like this
And man, she wasn't fooling
Because I just can't believe the way you kiss
Uh uh huh
You opened up your mouth with baited breath
You said you'd never leave me
You love me, you hate me, I tried to take the loss
You're crying me a river but I got to get across

I'm looking for another kind of love
Oh Lordy, how I need it
The kind that likes to leap without a shove
Oh, honey, best believe it
To save a lot of time and foolish pride I'll say what's on my mind, girl
You loved me, you hate me, you cut me down to size
You blinded me with love and yeah it opened up my eyes

On the Edge: So fun to ride up - more challenging to ride down!

Take me to the other side
I'm looking for another kind of love
Oh Lordy, how I need it
The kind that likes to leap without a shove
Honey, best you believe it
Now I'm not one for saying long goodbyes
I hope all is forgiven
You loved me, you hate me, I used to be your lover
You know you had it coming girl so take me to the other...

Having heard this song in the car yesterday, it kept me company as I rode the amazing trails today -- one of my faves is pictured here.

And after three and a half hours of riding followed by an hour in the finest brewery in the world, I do believe I got to the other side all by myself...

The One That Got Away

U.P. here I come!

I've been trying to hold it together through this whole mice in the house ordeal, but this morning when I was trying to practice yoga, the sound of the mice chewing on the poison that the pest control people left on Wednesday was all too much.

I decided to turn on music to drown it out, and that worked for a while, but I was already feeling raw emotionally -- so much so that Katy Perry sent me right over the edge:

In another life
I would be your girl
We'd keep all our promises
Be us against the world

In another life
I would make you stay
So I don't have to say
You were the one that got away
The one that got away

I know! Katy Perry. It's just that I was preparing for my road trip to the UP sans the one who not only got away from me in general but used to get away with me up there, and I just lost it.

Then I lost it again in the car when I was leaving a friend a voicemail, and, well, let's just say it happened repeatedly during the long journey and is part of the reason I expected this trip to be a catharsis and that I was ok going by myself.

But here's the thing: This is not another life. This is my life. I am single. I am fit. I like mountain biking and camping especially in beautiful weather and beautiful places. I don't know a lot of people who are both free to get away and who enjoy the same kind of weekend. So I am making it happen!

Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise

This week I learned that my first boyfriend recently had a grand mal seizure, and when he went to the hospital they found and successfully removed a brain tumor, which was cancerous.

I was 18 when we broke up, and haven't heard much from him since, but the news still hit me pretty hard. It was one of those people are mortal, even my people, and they won't all always be okay kind of realizations that aren't that fun to have.

Speaking of not fun, this morning I ran into a friend's ex-boyfriend at my favorite coffee shop. He's super sad about their breakup, and always wants to talk about it when I see him because I'm the only person that knows them both. And I feel for him - oh man, do I feel for him. He's in the why does something so senseless have to happen to me phase, and I remember that phase very well.

Luckily, as I told him, I'm on the other side of it now, and I was able to share the lessons I learned by going through that crazy painful process of grieving my lover once removed:

1) Don't try to figure out why, or ask yourself what you could or should have done differently. You did the best you could and you can't expect more from yourself than that. Plus, even if you could figure out why, it wouldn't make it hurt any less.

2) If it seems senseless, it may just be senseless. Senseless things happen in this life every day. People sometimes have to bury their children. Accidents disfigure people forever. Loves that we felt were oh-so-right sometimes don't work out. We don't get to make sense of these things. We just have to learn to live in the new reality.

3) Trust that this loss is happening to you for a reason, that there is something to be gained for YOU here. I gained SO much from my own grieving process. I know that I'm way more capable than I was before that loss of being the kind of partner that I want to be to the man I love.

4) Believe in a world where if you lose a great love, they either eventually come back when you're both in different, better places or you fall in love with someone else and it's just as great a love as the one you lost. Those are the only two outcomes in my Universe, anyway. You know what the Universe says: Thoughts become things. Choose the good ones!

Heard this song in the car today, and it struck just the right chord for a girl who found out an old friend has cancer, is helping another friend through a breakup, and is gearing up for a beautiful weekend on Lake Superior:

There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
And it comes in black and it comes in white
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it

When nothing is owed or deserved or expected
And your life doesn't change by the man that's elected
If you're loved by someone, you're never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There's a darkness upon you that's flooded in light
And in the fine print they tell you what's wrong and what's right
And it flies by day and it flies by night
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it

And the best news of all is that my special super bright bike light came today -- so when the darkness comes upon me in Copper Harbor, it will be flooded in light -- road full of promise indeed!

Love Me Two Times

I heard this song on the radio on the way to yoga today:

Love me two times, baby
Love me twice today
Love me two times, girl
I'm goin' away
Love me two times, girl
One for tomorrow
One just for today
Love me two times
I'm goin' away

And it prompted lots of thoughts and feelings, among them:

1) I am indeed goin' away soon. I'm going up to Copper Harbor to camp and enjoy some really excellent mountain biking. I love it up there. It's so beautiful. I'm excited. It's just that every time I even think about actually going up there without the New Englander, I start crying.

Well, I told myself as Jim Morrison crooned away in the background, maybe this is just the next layer of the grieving process. Last year I wanted to go, but I couldn't bring myself to do it in the end. This year, despite all the tears, it feels like I'm really going to make the trek.

Love me one time
I could not speak
Love me one time
Yeah, my knees got weak
But love me two times, girl
Last me all through the week
Love me two times
I'm goin' away
Love me two times
I'm goin' away

2) Now that I'm not with the man who loved me two times and then some, I pondered whether I should try to rustle up some other male accompaniment to make the journey with me. You know, someone else to love me two times. As I recall, I pondered the same thing last year. It seemed like it would be easier to face the loss if I had someone else on whom to focus.

I'm sure it would be easier. And if said adventuresome man had walked (or ridden) into my life by now, I'm sure he'd be accompanying me on this trip. But he hasn't. And I'm not about to go hunting for someone for the purpose of making a loss easier to bear. That's not how I roll.

So I'm going to be brave. I'm going to do it alone. I've never camped alone before, so it feels a little daunting, but I have a feeling that going through with this under present circumstances will be good for me. More growing and all that:

Oh, yes

Love me two times, babe
Love me twice today
Love me two times, babe
'Cause I'm goin' away
Love me two time, girl
One for tomorrow
One just for today
Love me two times
I'm goin' away
Love me two times
I'm goin' away
Love me two times
I'm goin' away

All These Things That I've Done

Oof. So I didn't bump into any walls last night, but I did have a pretty disturbing dream.

I dreamt that I went to practice and there was a teacher there (which, in real life, is super rare) unexpectedly (and I always know when it is going to happen). The teacher informed me that it was my last day practicing the primary series (which is what I practice now). I asked if I was moving on to second series, and she said no, basically leaving me series-less.

I didn't know quite what to make of this dream, but it felt significant. When I got to practice, I felt more like meditating than practicing. So I lit a candle, lit some sage, and sat down a cushion. I had trouble settling -- maybe because of the creepy news I'd listened to on my way to the studio (a woman made her baby's formula with vodka instead of water) -- so I decided to do some pranayama (breathing exercises) and that helped calm me down.

During meditation, part of what came up was the same thing that came up during my massage on Tuesday: The need to let go of the desire for significant people in my life to see and acknowledge all of me. It's never gonna happen, in a couple of significant cases, so I need to just let it go.

And that got me thinking about songs that are about letting go, and this one's among my favorites:

When there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
One more son
If you can hold on
If you can hold on, hold on
I want to stand up, I want to let go
You know, you know, no you don't, you don't
I want to shine on in the hearts of men
I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand

Another head aches, another heart breaks
I am so much older than I can take
And my affection, well it comes and goes
I need direction to perfection, no no no no

Help me out
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
You know you got to help me out

And when there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
These changes ain't changing me
The cold-hearted boy I used to be

Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
You know you got to help me out
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down

This whole song is great, but I freaking love the next lyrics:

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier

Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
You know you got to help me out
You're gonna bring yourself down
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down

Over and again, last call for sin
While everyone's lost, the battle is won
With all these things that I've done
All these things that I've done
(Time, truth, hearts)
If you can hold on
If you can hold on

Oh I can hold on alright. That's not the problem. I'll keep working on this need for external validation thing. But it does help explain why I had such a hard time letting go of the New Englander: He was the first man to really see all of me and love me. And also, coincidentally, the first to introduce me to The Killers.

Also in the letting go department today, I learned that I did not get into the study I applied for (they are full) and I didn't get a job teaching yoga at the studio where I was hoping to teach.

More opportunities to let go...

Dreams

Heard this song in the car today and after a weird night of sleep that included bumping into a wall on the way to the bathroom and strange dreams, so I'm thinking it's just the song to mark this day:

Come on out of your dreams
And wake up from your rêverie
Time is here, don't go to sleep
Streets are running on the brink
They say that we've got nothing
But a dollar for a life of sin
Cause there's trouble on the way
Oh, there's trouble on the way
Oh, get a dog and pony for a judgment day

Here we are (oh oh oh)
Running circles, around around around around
When nothing's right, just close your eyes
Close your eyes and you're gone

I sure was gone last night -- I get up every night to go to the bathroom, and I've never once, until last night, crashed headlong into the wall on my way there. I bumped my head so hard I wasn't sure I'd make it to the bathroom and back to bed. I managed, but when I did get back to sleep, I had all these dreams about my head being super swollen and my eyes being swollen shut. Bizarro!

Dreams (dreams, dreams)
D-d-d-dreams (oh oh oh)
She's makin' me high, she's makin' me high
Dreams (dreams, dreams)
D-d-d-dreams (oh oh oh)
She's makin' me high, I wanna get me free
Nothing gonna get me in my world

Now can these broken wings free me
About a light-year from reality
If you want to fall in a dream
You could put the weight right onto me

This song also seems appropriate because I sent an email today to see if I could participate in a clinical trial of a drug called psilocybin. I was inspired by reading this fascinating article in the New Yorker about the resurgence of research on psychedelics. They are finding that psychedelics can offer people a mystical experience and help with depression and anxiety, including fear of death. I don't have issues with those things anymore, but I find the concept of altering my consciousness in a safe and controlled way so fascinating!

Here we are (oh oh oh)
Running circles, around around around around
When nothing's right, just close your eyes
Close your eyes and you're gone

Speaking of closing my eyes, it's about time for me to do that now. Here's hoping for a smooth passage to the bathroom tonight and better dreams, too:

Dreams (dreams, dreams)
D-d-d-dreams (oh oh oh)
She's makin' me high, she's makin' me high
Dreams (dreams, dreams)
D-d-d-dreams (oh oh oh)
She's makin' me high, I wanna get me free
Nothing gonna get me in my world
Nothing gonna get me in my world

Brass In My Pocket

This is such a fun song. It just makes me happy when Chrissie starts belting this one out, the way she did today in the car:

Gonna make you, make you, make you notice

Gonna use my arms
Gonna use my legs
Gonna use my style
Gonna use my sidestep
Gonna use my fingers
Gonna use my, my, my imagination

'Cause I gonna make you see
There's nobody else here
No one like me
I'm special so special
I gotta have some of your attention give it to me

Give it to me!

Earn Enough For Us

I heard this song on the radio today:

I've been praying all the week through
At home, at work and on the bus
I've been praying I can keep you
And to earn enough for us

I can take humiliation
And hurtful comments from the boss
I'm just praying by the weekend
I can earn enough for us

And it feels perfect for marking this day in so many ways:

1) When I asked my daughter if could pay her for mowing the lawn, she said: "I don't need money, Mom, you need money." Ouch.

2) Breathe for Change moved into our new office on the Square today -- and it is so awesome having space to work together downtown!

3) And last and least, I've recently become aware that my basement needs all kinds of work done to deal with the mice and other issues that make it so I don't have any desire to go down there:

Found a house that won't repair itself
With it's windows cracking
And a roof held together with holes
Just because we're on the bottom of the ladder
We shouldn't be sadder
Than others like us
Who have goals for the betterment of life
Glad that you want to be my wife, but honest
I've been praying all the week through
At home at work and on the bus
I've been praying I can keep you
And to earn enough for us

So you're saying that we're going to be three
Now, a father's what I'll be
Don't get me wrong, I'm so proud
But the belt's already tight
I'll get another job at night, but honest

I can take humiliation
And hurtful comments from the boss
I'm just praying by the weekend
I can earn enough for us
Just because we're at the bottom of the ladder
We shouldn't be sadder
Than others like us
Who have goals for the betterment of life
Glad that you want to be my wife, but honest

I can take humiliation
And hurtful comments from the boss
I'm just praying by the weekend
I can earn enough for us
I can earn enough for us

Yes I can. I wasn't really, this Spring and Summer, but all that's changing now and I'm so glad!

Faster

Love this day for so many reasons:

1) I'm feeling so much more settled than I was yesterday afternoon and evening;

2) We kicked off another Breathe for Change school membership this morning, this time at a high school (!), with whom we are so excited to be working. And one of the kids had a totally sweet t-shirt on that read:

(Box unchecked) Single
(Box unchecked) Taken
(Box checked) Awesome

Uh-huh.

3) My note from the Universe this morning was awesome and about love:

Dear Sarah,

I'd say the biggest decision of your life, Sarah, was not your career, your marital status, or your home... it was choosing to love as often as you have.

You lover,
    The Universe

Especially, Sarah, when it seemed in vain, because it never is.

I totally agree with that sentiment. Never in vain, but sometimes extremely confusing and disheartening when it doesn't work out.

But things are shifting for me. I can feel it. They are shifting professionally, and it's only a matter of time before they shift in the heart department.

Today's song is dedicated to the knowledge that soon enough, my heart will be beating faster for someone new:

You're so delicious, you're so soft
Sweet on the tip of my tongue
You taste like sunlight
And strawberry bubble gum

You bite my lip, you spike my blood
You make my heart beat faster

Own me, you own, you rattle my bones
You turn me over and over till I can't control myself
Make me a liar, one big disaster
You make my heart beat faster

It's the way you swell, slow
Pushing right out your seams
It's the way you smile, baby
When you've got me on my knees

Your all night noise, your sirens howl
You make my heart beat faster

Own me, you own, you rattle my bones
You turn me over and over till I can't control myself
Make me a liar, one big disaster
You make my heart beat faster

'Cause I jump, I crash, I crawl
I beg, I steal, I fall Ooooh
Yeah, you own me
And you make my heart beat faster

I can't get enough
I guess it's gone
I guess this world is over to me

You own me, you own, you rattle my bones
You turn me over and over till I can't control myself
Make me a liar, one big disaster
You make my heart beat faster

Smiley Faces

This morning at practice, one of the newer people in our group decided he would practice alongside me and follow my movements. After we'd completed five Surya Namaskar As (sun salutes), I found a piece of floss attached to my left heel.

That's right -- it had been there on my entire 6 mile bike ride to the studio and it stayed on through most of my warm up once I got there. Wow -- those are some seriously velcro heels I've got!

The person with whom I was practicing and I could not stop laughing about it, and although it was probably somewhat inappropriate during practice, it also felt really good.

On my bikeride home, I started thinking about songs about smilin', and the song that came to me, Nat King Cole's Smile, is actually not a very happy song.

So I checked with my friend Google and she came up with this one:

I need to know this - cause I notice when you're smilin'
Out in the sun havin' fun and you're feelin' free
And I can tell you know how hard this life can be
But you keep on smilin' for me

What went right? What went wrong?
Was it the story - or was it the song?
Was it overnight - or did it take you long?
Was knowing your weakness what made you strong?

Or all the above - oh how I love to see you smilin'
And oh yeah - take a little pain just in case
You need something warm to embrace
To help you put on a smilin' face
Hey, put on a smilin' face

Don't you go off into the new day with any doubt
Here's a summary of somethin' that you could smile about:
Say for instance, my girlfriend she bugs me all the time
But the irony of it all is that she loves me all the time

I want to be you - whenever I see you smilin'
Cause it's easily one of the hardest things to do
Your worries and fears become your friends
And they end up smilin' at you
Put on a smilin' face

I'm not one to put one on if I'm not feeling it, but this morning, I'm feeling it, and it feels goooood!