Another tricky thing to navigate after a breakup is the loss of sexy naked time, and boy, did the New Englander and I have some sexy naked time!
People navigate this in all kinds of ways, masturbation, casual sex... Me, I'm down with the first, and have had my share of the second, but I'm not feeling like it's the way to go at the ripe old age of 48.
Sometimes I catch myself thinking about this part of our relationship, which then leads me down a path of asking myself how we could've messed up something so good? And THAT doesn't lead anywhere productive, because it tends not to include thinking about the crappy parts of our relationship that ultimately led us to the breaking point.
So what's a girl to do? I'm trying out a new strategy I learned where you name the different voices in your brain so you can better recognize when your brain is tricking you or leading you astray.
I named the part of my brain that is fixated on sex... what else? Nikki:
I knew a girl named Nikki
I guess you could say she was a sex fiend
I met her in a hotel lobby
Masturbating with a magazine
She said how'd you like to waste some time
And I could not resist when I saw little Nikki grind
She took me to her castle
And I just couldn't believe my eyes
She had so many devices
Everything that money could buy
She said sign your name on the dotted line
The lights went out
And Nikki started to grind
Nikki
The castle started spinning
Or maybe it was my brain
I can't tell you what she did to me
But my body will never be the same
Her lovin' will kick your behind
Oh, she'll show you no mercy
But she'll sho'nuff sho'nuff show you how to grind
Darlin' Nikki
Woke up the next morning
Nikki wasn't there
I looked all over and all I found
Was a phone number on the stairs
It said thank you for a funky time
Call me up whenever you want to grind
Oh, Nikki, ohhhh
Come back Nikki, come back
Your dirty little Prince
Wanna grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind
Uh-huh. Don't we all.
But for tonight, we'll have to make do with some great music, including this not-quite-as-good but kinda fun cover by the Foo Fighters...
Showing posts with label Loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Loss. Show all posts
Friday, November 22, 2019
Wednesday, November 20, 2019
So Long, Marianne
During an episode of This is Us tonight, they played this beautiful song and talked about how Leonard Cohen had written it for his ex-girlfriend, with whom he remains friends:
Come over to the window, my little darling,
I'd like to try to read your palm.
I used to think I was some kind of Gypsy boy
before I let you take me home.
Now so long, Marianne, it's time that we began
to laugh and cry and cry and laugh about it all again.
The New Englander and I don't quite laugh and cry about it all again, but we did laugh together again, and show up for what's happening in each other's lives. It's still hard for both of us to understand how we unraveled, and it sounds like this is a bit of a mystery for Leonard and Marianne too:
Well you know that I love to live with you,
but you make me forget so very much.
I forget to pray for the angels
and then the angels forget to pray for us.
Now so long, Marianne, it's time that we began ...
We met when we were almost young
deep in the green lilac park.
You held on to me like I was a crucifix,
as we went kneeling through the dark.
Almost young, I like that phrase - -I'm not sure if the New Englander and I would qualify, at 39 and 44 when we met. I sho can relate to holding on to him like a crucifix, though - there was definitely, I think for both of us, a feeling of being saved by the love we shared.
Oh so long, Marianne, it's time that we began ...
Your letters they all say that you're beside me now.
Then why do I feel alone?
I'm standing on a ledge and your fine spider web
is fastening my ankle to a stone.
It's hard getting on after a breakup, and sometimes it does feel lonely, and as though the hold my former lover has is weighing me down.
Now so long, Marianne, it's time that we began ...
For now I need your hidden love.
I'm cold as a new razor blade.
You left when I told you I was curious,
I never said that I was brave.
I am brave, or I wouldn't have been able to end things in the first place, but sometimes, sometimes I don't feel all that brave. Sometimes I just plain miss him.
Oh so long, Marianne, it's time that we began ...
Oh, you are really such a pretty one.
I see you've gone and changed your name again.
And just when I climbed this whole mountainside,
to wash my eyelids in the rain!
I'm with you there, Leonard, my eyelids get lots of washing, rain and shine!
Oh so long, New Englander, it's time that we began...
Come over to the window, my little darling,
I'd like to try to read your palm.
I used to think I was some kind of Gypsy boy
before I let you take me home.
Now so long, Marianne, it's time that we began
to laugh and cry and cry and laugh about it all again.
The New Englander and I don't quite laugh and cry about it all again, but we did laugh together again, and show up for what's happening in each other's lives. It's still hard for both of us to understand how we unraveled, and it sounds like this is a bit of a mystery for Leonard and Marianne too:
Well you know that I love to live with you,
but you make me forget so very much.
I forget to pray for the angels
and then the angels forget to pray for us.
Now so long, Marianne, it's time that we began ...
We met when we were almost young
deep in the green lilac park.
You held on to me like I was a crucifix,
as we went kneeling through the dark.
Almost young, I like that phrase - -I'm not sure if the New Englander and I would qualify, at 39 and 44 when we met. I sho can relate to holding on to him like a crucifix, though - there was definitely, I think for both of us, a feeling of being saved by the love we shared.
Oh so long, Marianne, it's time that we began ...
Your letters they all say that you're beside me now.
Then why do I feel alone?
I'm standing on a ledge and your fine spider web
is fastening my ankle to a stone.
It's hard getting on after a breakup, and sometimes it does feel lonely, and as though the hold my former lover has is weighing me down.
Now so long, Marianne, it's time that we began ...
For now I need your hidden love.
I'm cold as a new razor blade.
You left when I told you I was curious,
I never said that I was brave.
I am brave, or I wouldn't have been able to end things in the first place, but sometimes, sometimes I don't feel all that brave. Sometimes I just plain miss him.
Oh so long, Marianne, it's time that we began ...
Oh, you are really such a pretty one.
I see you've gone and changed your name again.
And just when I climbed this whole mountainside,
to wash my eyelids in the rain!
I'm with you there, Leonard, my eyelids get lots of washing, rain and shine!
Oh so long, New Englander, it's time that we began...
Thursday, October 24, 2019
Storybook Love
 |
| The New Englander and me in our early years together |
I know that there is a period of adjustment after a breakup. I get that.
Something that is harder for me than normal life is returning home from a trip to an empty house. I've traveled twice this month, and the first time felt super hard, this time just hard.
It's not the loss of the physical body that I'm used to being next to that feels hard this time. It's the loss of the dream. The loss of the partner I thought I had. The loss of the life I thought we were going to share. The loss of the plan for our future. All of it gone.
This song was on a TV show I was watching tonight, and it made me sob like a baby:
Come my love, I'll tell you a tale
of a boy and girl and their love story
and how he loved her oh, so much,
and all the charms she did possess.
Now this did happen once upon a time
When things were not so complex.
And how he worshipped the ground she walked on.
When he looked in her eyes, he became obsessed.
My love is like a storybook story.
But it's as real as the feelings I feel.
My love is like a storybook story.
But it's as real as the feelings I feel;
it's as real as the feelings I feel
This love was stronger than the powers so dark,
A prince could have within his keeping;
His spells to weave and steal a heart
Within her breast, but only sleeping.
My love is like a storybook story.
But it's as real as the feelings I feel.
My love is like a storybook story.
But it's as real as the feelings I feel;
it's as real as the feelings I feel
He said, "Don't you know I love you oh, so much,
And lay my heart at the foot of your dress?"
She said, "Don't you know that storybook loves
Always have a happy ending?"
Then he swooped her up, just like in the books,
And on his stallion they rode away.
My love is like a storybook story.
But it's as real as the feelings I feel.
My love is like a storybook story.
But it's as real as the feelings I feel;
it's as real as the feelings I feel
Correction. My love was like a storybook story. It was as real as the feelings I felt.
Now, along with the gorgeously hued leaves on the trees, all of that is falling away, and dying...
Wednesday, October 2, 2019
Do You Sleep?
Do you eat, sleep, do you breathe me anymore?
Do you sleep, do you count sheep anymore?
Do you sleep anymore?
I do, Lisa Loeb and Nine Stories, thanks for asking. And when I do, apropos of how it seems you were feeling when you wrote this song, I sometimes, as I did last night, dream of being with my now ex as if we were still together.
Lemme tell you, this makes for a challenging wake-up, a challenging feeling rolling out of bed, and tears at the ready for the better part of the morning as I come back to the reality that it is over.
And now, back to Lisa:
Do you take plight on my tongue like lead?
Do you fall gracefully into bed anymore?
I saw you as you walked across my room.
You looked out the window, you looked at the moon.
And you sat on the corner of my bed, and
you smoked with the ghost in the back of my head.
And I don't know, and I don't care
If I ever will see you again.
I don't know, and I don't care
If I ever will be there.
Do you eat, sleep, do you breathe me anymore?
Do you sleep, do you keep me anymore?
You kick my foot under the table,
I kick you back;
I can't say I'm able to
Stand for you or
Fall for you ever again.
Wish for a perfect setting?
Wishing that I am letting you
Take me where you want me
All over again?
You can't give yourself absolutely to someone else.
And I don't know, and I don't care
If I ever will see you again.
I don't know, and I don't care
If I ever will be there.
I saw you as you walked across my room.
You looked out the window, you looked at the moon.
And you sat on the corner of my bed, and
You smoked with the ghost in the back of my head.
Do you eat, sleep, do you breathe me anymore?
Do you sleep, do you count sheep anymore?
Do you sleep anymore?
I don't know, and I don't care
If I ever will be there.
Do you sleep, do you count sheep anymore?
Do you sleep anymore?
I do, Lisa Loeb and Nine Stories, thanks for asking. And when I do, apropos of how it seems you were feeling when you wrote this song, I sometimes, as I did last night, dream of being with my now ex as if we were still together.
Lemme tell you, this makes for a challenging wake-up, a challenging feeling rolling out of bed, and tears at the ready for the better part of the morning as I come back to the reality that it is over.
And now, back to Lisa:
Do you take plight on my tongue like lead?
Do you fall gracefully into bed anymore?
I saw you as you walked across my room.
You looked out the window, you looked at the moon.
And you sat on the corner of my bed, and
you smoked with the ghost in the back of my head.
And I don't know, and I don't care
If I ever will see you again.
I don't know, and I don't care
If I ever will be there.
Do you eat, sleep, do you breathe me anymore?
Do you sleep, do you keep me anymore?
You kick my foot under the table,
I kick you back;
I can't say I'm able to
Stand for you or
Fall for you ever again.
Wish for a perfect setting?
Wishing that I am letting you
Take me where you want me
All over again?
You can't give yourself absolutely to someone else.
And I don't know, and I don't care
If I ever will see you again.
I don't know, and I don't care
If I ever will be there.
I saw you as you walked across my room.
You looked out the window, you looked at the moon.
And you sat on the corner of my bed, and
You smoked with the ghost in the back of my head.
Do you eat, sleep, do you breathe me anymore?
Do you sleep, do you count sheep anymore?
Do you sleep anymore?
I don't know, and I don't care
If I ever will be there.
Monday, September 30, 2019
September
This is one of those songs that I never really knew the words to, though I've heard it on and off over the past few decades:
Do you remember the 21st night of September?
Love was changin' the minds of pretenders
While chasin' the clouds away
Our hearts were ringin' in the key that our souls were singin'
As we danced in the night, remember
How the stars stole the night away, oh yeah
Hey, hey, hey!
Ba-dee-ya, say, do you remember?
Ba-dee-ya, dancin' in September
Ba-dee-ya, never was a cloudy day
Ba-du-da, ba-du-da, ba-du-da, ba-du
Ba-du-da, ba-du, ba-du-da, ba-du
Ba-du-da, ba-du, ba-du-da
My thoughts are with you, holdin' hands with your heart to see you
Only blue talk and love, remember
How we knew love was here to stay
Now December, found the love that we shared in September
Only blue talk and love, remember, the true love we share today
Hey, hey, hey!
Ba-dee-ya, say, do you remember?
Ba-dee-ya, dancin' in September
Ba-dee-ya, never was a cloudy day
There was a…
Ba-dee-ya (Dee-ya, dee-ya), say, do you remember?
Ba-dee-ya (Dee-ya, dee-ya), dancin' in September
Ba-dee-ya (Dee-ya, dee-ya), golden dreams were shiny days
The bell was ringin', oh, oh
Our souls were singin'
Do you remember never a cloudy day? Yow
There was a
Ba-dee-ya (Dee-ya, dee-ya), say, do you remember?
Ba-dee-ya (Dee-ya, dee-ya), dancin' in September
Ba-dee-ya (Dee-ya, dee-ya), never was a cloudy day
And we'll say
Ba-dee-ya (Dee-ya, dee-ya), say, do you remember?
Ba-dee-ya (Dee-ya, dee-ya), dancin' in September
Ba-dee-ya (Dee ya, dee-ya), golden dreams were shiny days
I never even knew it was called September, and I definitely cannot say, on this, the last day of September 2019, that this was my experience of this month.
So many of the days were clouded with the difficult feelings that have come up as I face the fact that a romantic relationship I hoped would be my last is now another space of learning and growing that I am left to do alone.
I know that it won't always be this way, but it's gonna take a while for me to feel peace about the way things are, and even longer before dancin', golden dreams, and shiny days are here again...
Do you remember the 21st night of September?
Love was changin' the minds of pretenders
While chasin' the clouds away
Our hearts were ringin' in the key that our souls were singin'
As we danced in the night, remember
How the stars stole the night away, oh yeah
Hey, hey, hey!
Ba-dee-ya, say, do you remember?
Ba-dee-ya, dancin' in September
Ba-dee-ya, never was a cloudy day
Ba-du-da, ba-du-da, ba-du-da, ba-du
Ba-du-da, ba-du, ba-du-da, ba-du
Ba-du-da, ba-du, ba-du-da
My thoughts are with you, holdin' hands with your heart to see you
Only blue talk and love, remember
How we knew love was here to stay
Now December, found the love that we shared in September
Only blue talk and love, remember, the true love we share today
Hey, hey, hey!
Ba-dee-ya, say, do you remember?
Ba-dee-ya, dancin' in September
Ba-dee-ya, never was a cloudy day
There was a…
Ba-dee-ya (Dee-ya, dee-ya), say, do you remember?
Ba-dee-ya (Dee-ya, dee-ya), dancin' in September
Ba-dee-ya (Dee-ya, dee-ya), golden dreams were shiny days
The bell was ringin', oh, oh
Our souls were singin'
Do you remember never a cloudy day? Yow
There was a
Ba-dee-ya (Dee-ya, dee-ya), say, do you remember?
Ba-dee-ya (Dee-ya, dee-ya), dancin' in September
Ba-dee-ya (Dee-ya, dee-ya), never was a cloudy day
And we'll say
Ba-dee-ya (Dee-ya, dee-ya), say, do you remember?
Ba-dee-ya (Dee-ya, dee-ya), dancin' in September
Ba-dee-ya (Dee ya, dee-ya), golden dreams were shiny days
I never even knew it was called September, and I definitely cannot say, on this, the last day of September 2019, that this was my experience of this month.
So many of the days were clouded with the difficult feelings that have come up as I face the fact that a romantic relationship I hoped would be my last is now another space of learning and growing that I am left to do alone.
I know that it won't always be this way, but it's gonna take a while for me to feel peace about the way things are, and even longer before dancin', golden dreams, and shiny days are here again...
Sunday, September 29, 2019
The Promise
Listening to Spotify on my Wonderboom on a rainy Sunday, and what to my wondering ears should appear but this gorgeous number:
If you wait for me
Then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart
If you think of me
If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart
Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
If you dream of me
Like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart
Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
I've longed for you
And I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are
Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
Please say you'll be waiting
Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise
If it's one that you can keep
I vow to come for you
If you wait for me
And say you'll hold
A place for me
In your heart
A place for me in your heart
A place for me in your heart
A place for me in your heart
I have no doubt there is a place for me in the New Englander's heart, and for him in mine. There will always be a place.
For me though, it's not about waiting, or contemplating getting back together.
It's about me doing the work of forgiveness, to face the gargantuan disappointment I feel about our romantic relationship ending and the reasons for that, and becoming willing to let that go.
I'm not ready yet, but I am doing the work, and I will get there...
If you wait for me
Then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart
If you think of me
If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart
Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
If you dream of me
Like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart
Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
I've longed for you
And I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are
Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
Please say you'll be waiting
Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise
If it's one that you can keep
I vow to come for you
If you wait for me
And say you'll hold
A place for me
In your heart
A place for me in your heart
A place for me in your heart
A place for me in your heart
I have no doubt there is a place for me in the New Englander's heart, and for him in mine. There will always be a place.
For me though, it's not about waiting, or contemplating getting back together.
It's about me doing the work of forgiveness, to face the gargantuan disappointment I feel about our romantic relationship ending and the reasons for that, and becoming willing to let that go.
I'm not ready yet, but I am doing the work, and I will get there...
Saturday, September 21, 2019
Sea Fog
 |
| The beloved firstborn on the day of departure |
It also included a big loss, when The New Englander and I broke up, and now I'm faced with another one: My son heading back to school.
I don't know if it will ever get easier to leave his company. It's just such a nice place to be, and it doesn't help that I am ready to make my cross-country move too. Only, I'm not. I've got two more years here.
So I took myself to hot yoga yesterday afternoon, for the first time in a long time, and this was the song the teacher sang to us in savasana:
The sun bleeds in, hear the magpie sing for sorrow
It makes things better
Maybe we'll get to spread our wings tomorrow
If luck will let us
Can anyone fly into these grey skies?
Is there somewhere I'm meant to be
 |
| Off he goes! |
Sea fog comes, like a river rolls a stone
It's rolling me
I missed my turn in the dark
I hear your voice
It makes things easy
I strayed too far from the road
Wish you could always make things easy
And I won't fight through the rising tide
If that’s the way it has to be
Sea fog comes, like a river rolls a stone
It's rolling me
Sea fog comes, like a river rolls a stone
It's rolling me
Sea fog rolling
Sea fog rolling
Sea fog rolling
Which felt apropos for today in a couple of ways -- my son is indeed spreading his wings today, and he's headed back to the land where sea fog rolling is a daily occurrence rather than an obscure reference in a song lyric...
Thursday, May 18, 2017
One
I learned today, along with the rest of the world, that Chris Cornell died. What a beautiful man, mind, body, soul, voice...
The song I most associate with this incredible artist is Black Hole Sun, a song about which I've already blogged.
Turns out, Chris Cornell sang some incredible covers in his time -- and this one that came up in my Facebook feed tonight seems particularly apropos:
I can’t remember anything
Can’t tell if this is true or dream
Deep down inside I feel the scream
This terrible silence stops me
Now that the war is through with me
I’m waking up, I cannot see
That there’s not much left of me
Nothing is real but pain now
Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please, God, wake me
Back in the womb it’s much too real
In pumps life that I must feel
But can’t look forward to reveal
Look to the time when I’ll live
Fed through the tube that sticks in me
Just like a wartime novelty
Tied to machines that make me be
Cut this life off from me
Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please, God, wake me
Now the world is gone, I’m just one
Oh God, help me Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please, God, help me
Darkness
Imprisoning me
All that I see
Absolute horror
I cannot live
I cannot die
Trapped in myself
Body my holding cell
Landmine
Has taken my sight
Taken my speech
Taken my hearing
Taken my arms
Taken my legs
Taken my soul
Left me with life in hell
No more hell for you, Chris, just eternal peace.
The original is by Metallica, and totally worth a listen as well...
The song I most associate with this incredible artist is Black Hole Sun, a song about which I've already blogged.
Turns out, Chris Cornell sang some incredible covers in his time -- and this one that came up in my Facebook feed tonight seems particularly apropos:
I can’t remember anything
Can’t tell if this is true or dream
Deep down inside I feel the scream
This terrible silence stops me
Now that the war is through with me
I’m waking up, I cannot see
That there’s not much left of me
Nothing is real but pain now
Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please, God, wake me
Back in the womb it’s much too real
In pumps life that I must feel
But can’t look forward to reveal
Look to the time when I’ll live
Fed through the tube that sticks in me
Just like a wartime novelty
Tied to machines that make me be
Cut this life off from me
Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please, God, wake me
Now the world is gone, I’m just one
Oh God, help me Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please, God, help me
Darkness
Imprisoning me
All that I see
Absolute horror
I cannot live
I cannot die
Trapped in myself
Body my holding cell
Landmine
Has taken my sight
Taken my speech
Taken my hearing
Taken my arms
Taken my legs
Taken my soul
Left me with life in hell
No more hell for you, Chris, just eternal peace.
The original is by Metallica, and totally worth a listen as well...
Sunday, May 1, 2016
My Love
This afternoon after watching my daughter play soccer and then having coffee with a friend, I treated myself (and my sore knee) to a bath and a movie. The movie was Before We Go -- something I stumbled across on Netflix. It wasn't a terrific movie in a lot of ways, but it was about love, and y'all know that's one of my favorite subjects.
I liked what it had to say about love, which I would roughly summarize as love is messy, sometimes it makes fools of us, sometimes it enrages us, but it's always, always, always worth fighting for. I share this belief, but in a couple, you need two -- both -- to really be in it, willing to fight for it. And if you don't have that, well, the movie also suggested that it was possible to move on and find love again with someone else.
I believe this is possible. I believe it will happen to me. And in the meantime, I'm now able to talk, as I did this afternoon at coffee, about the love I experienced and lost in this post-divorce phase of my life, without crying. It's ok that it happened the way that it did. I'm ok. I really am. This is true.
It is also true that when I watch a romantic movie, as I did this afternoon, and I let myself, I feel my heart breaking open all over again. It still physically hurts, this loss, when I let myself go there. It amazes me how powerful the feeling remains.
But today, amidst the sobbing in the bathtub, I felt something else, too. Something new. Something reassuring: I felt my heart expand with each sob. Like it has had to contract to hold that pain in, and in releasing it, I am making space. Not just figuratively, or emotionally, but physically.
And I am grateful for that. So grateful. Because if that love taught me anything it taught me just how worthwhile it is to love someone fully, bravely, vulnerably, and I intend to do it again. And hopefully soon, now that I'm halfway to 50(!). Not that I'm in a hurry, but now seems like as good a time as any.
I heard this song tonight. It's about love. And it's beautiful. And that makes it pretty darn perfect to mark this day:
There's nothing more that I would have that I could need
Cause having this means that I've got it all
When I was taking turns and you were wrong for me
You chose to understand and let it go
And ohhh
You've turned this black heart made it into gold
So I wanna let you know that
My love and my touch, up above is made with the warmth of my,
My love and my touch, up above is made with the warmth of my love
Looovve
Control is such an open-ended word for me
Something that I used to think I owned
I'm standing here with none, I'm feeling so complete
You helped me understand to let it go
And ohhh
You've turned this black heart made it into gold
So I wanna let you know that
My love and my touch, up above is made with the warmth of my,
My love and my touch, up above is made with the warmth of my
My love and my touch, up above is made with the warmth of my,
My love and my touch, up above is made with the warmth of my love
Stay close to me, love
Stay close to me, yeah, love
Stay close to me, love
Or don't, but if you decide not to, please let me go so that someone else can...
I liked what it had to say about love, which I would roughly summarize as love is messy, sometimes it makes fools of us, sometimes it enrages us, but it's always, always, always worth fighting for. I share this belief, but in a couple, you need two -- both -- to really be in it, willing to fight for it. And if you don't have that, well, the movie also suggested that it was possible to move on and find love again with someone else.
I believe this is possible. I believe it will happen to me. And in the meantime, I'm now able to talk, as I did this afternoon at coffee, about the love I experienced and lost in this post-divorce phase of my life, without crying. It's ok that it happened the way that it did. I'm ok. I really am. This is true.
It is also true that when I watch a romantic movie, as I did this afternoon, and I let myself, I feel my heart breaking open all over again. It still physically hurts, this loss, when I let myself go there. It amazes me how powerful the feeling remains.
But today, amidst the sobbing in the bathtub, I felt something else, too. Something new. Something reassuring: I felt my heart expand with each sob. Like it has had to contract to hold that pain in, and in releasing it, I am making space. Not just figuratively, or emotionally, but physically.
And I am grateful for that. So grateful. Because if that love taught me anything it taught me just how worthwhile it is to love someone fully, bravely, vulnerably, and I intend to do it again. And hopefully soon, now that I'm halfway to 50(!). Not that I'm in a hurry, but now seems like as good a time as any.
I heard this song tonight. It's about love. And it's beautiful. And that makes it pretty darn perfect to mark this day:
There's nothing more that I would have that I could need
Cause having this means that I've got it all
When I was taking turns and you were wrong for me
You chose to understand and let it go
And ohhh
You've turned this black heart made it into gold
So I wanna let you know that
My love and my touch, up above is made with the warmth of my,
My love and my touch, up above is made with the warmth of my love
Looovve
Control is such an open-ended word for me
Something that I used to think I owned
I'm standing here with none, I'm feeling so complete
You helped me understand to let it go
And ohhh
You've turned this black heart made it into gold
So I wanna let you know that
My love and my touch, up above is made with the warmth of my,
My love and my touch, up above is made with the warmth of my
My love and my touch, up above is made with the warmth of my,
My love and my touch, up above is made with the warmth of my love
Stay close to me, love
Stay close to me, yeah, love
Stay close to me, love
Or don't, but if you decide not to, please let me go so that someone else can...
Thursday, April 21, 2016
Purple Rain
 |
| Love the New Yorker's tribute to the fallen artist |
Sweet Prince, you've provided the soundtrack to some of the highest highs and the lowest lows in my lifetime. You've inspired me and countless others to be ourselves, to not allow others to label us, to know the resilience of the human spirit and the miraculous power of art to help us understand, celebrate and cope with our lives.
Thank you.
Rest in peace.
And know that this song, like so many of your other songs, will forever remain one of my favorites:
I never meant to cause you any sorrow
I never meant to cause you any pain
I only wanted one time to see you laughing
I only want to see you laughing in the purple rain
Purple rain Purple rain
Purple rain Purple rain
Purple rain Purple rain
I only want to see you bathing in the purple rain
I never wanted to be your weekend lover
I only wanted to be some kind of friend
Baby I could never steal you from another
It's such a shame our friendship had to end
Purple rain Purple rain
Purple rain Purple rain
Purple rain Purple rain
I only want to see you underneath the purple rain
Honey I know, I know, I know times are changing
It's time we all reach out for something new
That means you too
You say you want a leader
But you can't seem to make up your mind
I think you better close it
And let me guide you to the purple rain
Purple rain Purple rain
Purple rain Purple rain
If you know what I'm singing about up here
C'mon raise your hand
Purple rain Purple rain
I only want to see you, only want to see you
In the purple rain
Monday, March 28, 2016
When We Were Young
Even though I'm feeling mostly better, today as I've tried to settle down to work, it hasn't come easily. I decided to turn on Spotify for a little inspiration, and it didn't disappoint from the very first track:
Everybody loves the things you do
From the way you talk to the way you move
Everybody here is watching you
'Cause you feel like home
You're like a dream come true
But if by chance you're here alone
Can I have a moment before I go?
'Cause I've been by myself all night long
Hoping you're someone I used to know
You look like a movie
You sound like a song
My God, this reminds me
Of when we were young
Love, love, love that voice.
And speaking of being young, my oldest got his driver's license today. Gulp. I feel proud, I feel nervous, I feel liberated, I feel so many things.
I texted my friend to tell her, and she reminded me of something funny I wrote on my new year's resolutions for 1987:
"Obtain my driver's license, but use it responsibly, and not as a weapon."
What!? I'm not quite sure what I meant by using it as a weapon, but I will tell you that I hope like hell my son uses his more responsibly than I did mine in those days.
No wonder I'm feeling unsettled today. My kid's growing up, and I'm saying goodbye to the central focus of my consciousness for the last five years (I wish that were an exaggeration, but I'm afraid it's the truth).
I'll tell you what I'm not feeling that our 25 year old diva sings about in this song, and that's sad or mad about aging:
Let me photograph you in this light
In case it is the last time
That we might be exactly like we were
Before we realized
We were sad of getting old
It made us restless
Oh I'm so mad I'm getting old
It makes me reckless
It was just like a movie
It was just like a song
When we were young
Aging is good. Aging brings wisdom. Aging brings perspective. Aging brings strength.
And yeah, there are also losses. But all those things I named that aging brings allows for peace of in the face of them and the knowledge that losses are a part of life...
Everybody loves the things you do
From the way you talk to the way you move
Everybody here is watching you
'Cause you feel like home
You're like a dream come true
But if by chance you're here alone
Can I have a moment before I go?
'Cause I've been by myself all night long
Hoping you're someone I used to know
You look like a movie
You sound like a song
My God, this reminds me
Of when we were young
Love, love, love that voice.
And speaking of being young, my oldest got his driver's license today. Gulp. I feel proud, I feel nervous, I feel liberated, I feel so many things.
I texted my friend to tell her, and she reminded me of something funny I wrote on my new year's resolutions for 1987:
"Obtain my driver's license, but use it responsibly, and not as a weapon."
What!? I'm not quite sure what I meant by using it as a weapon, but I will tell you that I hope like hell my son uses his more responsibly than I did mine in those days.
No wonder I'm feeling unsettled today. My kid's growing up, and I'm saying goodbye to the central focus of my consciousness for the last five years (I wish that were an exaggeration, but I'm afraid it's the truth).
I'll tell you what I'm not feeling that our 25 year old diva sings about in this song, and that's sad or mad about aging:
Let me photograph you in this light
In case it is the last time
That we might be exactly like we were
Before we realized
We were sad of getting old
It made us restless
Oh I'm so mad I'm getting old
It makes me reckless
It was just like a movie
It was just like a song
When we were young
Aging is good. Aging brings wisdom. Aging brings perspective. Aging brings strength.
And yeah, there are also losses. But all those things I named that aging brings allows for peace of in the face of them and the knowledge that losses are a part of life...
Thursday, March 10, 2016
Will You Still Love Me?
I've had the refrain to this song stuck in my head for days:
'Cause I can't go on
No, I can't go on
I can't go on
If I'm on my own
It's an old fave, but I'm not gonna lie, at the moment it feels kinda depressing. I often get this nagging feeling when I travel, like why am I living my life without a partner, again?
My mother used to say "Ours is not the question why." Maybe not. But then I hear songs like this, and I feel like I understand less now than I did when this song came out back in 1986:
Take me as I am
Put your hand in mine now and forever
Darling here I stand, stand before you now
Deep inside I always knew
It was you, you and me
Two hearts drawn together bound by destiny
It was you and you for me
Every road leads to your door
Every step I take forever more
Just say you'll love me for the rest of your life
I gotta lot of love and I don't want to let go
Will you still love me for the rest of my life?
'Cause I can't go on
No, I can't go on
I can't go on
If I'm on my own
And the truth is, let's face it, I can go on if I'm on my own. I'm kinda sick of it, but I can do it.
I just can't help wondering if there's a happier ending out there for me than a love lost:
Do you believe a love could run so strong?
Do you believe a love could pass you by?
There was no special one for me
I was the lonely one, you see
But then my heart lost all control
Now you're all that I know
Maybe. For right now. But I want to know more. I am open to knowing more...
'Cause I can't go on
No, I can't go on
I can't go on
If I'm on my own
It's an old fave, but I'm not gonna lie, at the moment it feels kinda depressing. I often get this nagging feeling when I travel, like why am I living my life without a partner, again?
My mother used to say "Ours is not the question why." Maybe not. But then I hear songs like this, and I feel like I understand less now than I did when this song came out back in 1986:
Take me as I am
Put your hand in mine now and forever
Darling here I stand, stand before you now
Deep inside I always knew
It was you, you and me
Two hearts drawn together bound by destiny
It was you and you for me
Every road leads to your door
Every step I take forever more
Just say you'll love me for the rest of your life
I gotta lot of love and I don't want to let go
Will you still love me for the rest of my life?
'Cause I can't go on
No, I can't go on
I can't go on
If I'm on my own
And the truth is, let's face it, I can go on if I'm on my own. I'm kinda sick of it, but I can do it.
I just can't help wondering if there's a happier ending out there for me than a love lost:
Do you believe a love could run so strong?
Do you believe a love could pass you by?
There was no special one for me
I was the lonely one, you see
But then my heart lost all control
Now you're all that I know
Maybe. For right now. But I want to know more. I am open to knowing more...
Friday, March 4, 2016
Everything I Own
This morning on Facebook I happened to see one of those posts that keep me checking Facebook in spite of the fact that I view it, for the most part, as a not very constructive use of my time.
It was posted by someone I never knew well in person -- he was my sister's age (a senior when I was a freshman) -- and I moved with my parents halfway through my freshman year in high school (my sister stayed behind).
He's a musician, and a music editor, and the post today was about working with Jimmy Griffin, from Bread, in the 18 months before he died of cancer.
It was beautiful, and it warmed my heart and made me feel sad all at the same time, just like this song:
It was posted by someone I never knew well in person -- he was my sister's age (a senior when I was a freshman) -- and I moved with my parents halfway through my freshman year in high school (my sister stayed behind).
He's a musician, and a music editor, and the post today was about working with Jimmy Griffin, from Bread, in the 18 months before he died of cancer.
It was beautiful, and it warmed my heart and made me feel sad all at the same time, just like this song:
You sheltered me from harm
Kept me warm, kept me warm
You gave my life to me
Set me free, set me free
The finest years I ever knew
Were all the years I had with you
And I would give anything I own
Give up my life, my heart, my home
I would give everything I own
Just to have you back again
You taught me how to love
What it's of, what it's of
You never said too much
But still you showed the way
And I knew from watching you
Nobody else could ever know
The part of me that can't let go
Good thing I've turned a corner in my own grief over losing the man who taught me to love, and taught me what it's of. Good thing I'm so brave. Good thing I can let myself feel what I still inevitably feel when I hear a song like this, a deep wave of sadness, but not let myself get knocked down by it, or feel like I have to stay out of the ocean altogether, as I had been.
Because my friends, feelings aren't facts. So I know that although when I hear lyrics like this, and they feel like the truest thing I've ever known:
Good thing I've turned a corner in my own grief over losing the man who taught me to love, and taught me what it's of. Good thing I'm so brave. Good thing I can let myself feel what I still inevitably feel when I hear a song like this, a deep wave of sadness, but not let myself get knocked down by it, or feel like I have to stay out of the ocean altogether, as I had been.
Because my friends, feelings aren't facts. So I know that although when I hear lyrics like this, and they feel like the truest thing I've ever known:
And I would give anything I own
Give up my life, my heart, my home
I would give everything I own
Just to have you back again
I know that they are in fact not true for me. I would have given a lot -- I still would -- but not my life, not my heart, and not, at least while my children need it as shelter -- my home.
But I'm going to join with Jimmy on this next verse to say don't, don't, don't take it for granted when you find a great love, 'cause you may lose them one day, and that'll suck:
I know that they are in fact not true for me. I would have given a lot -- I still would -- but not my life, not my heart, and not, at least while my children need it as shelter -- my home.
But I'm going to join with Jimmy on this next verse to say don't, don't, don't take it for granted when you find a great love, 'cause you may lose them one day, and that'll suck:
Is there someone you know
You're loving them so
But taking them all for granted
You may lose them one day
Someone takes them away
And they don't hear the words you long to say
At least for a while. And then you'll turn the corner, as I am, and you will open yourself up for -- as scary as it may be -- finding that kind of love again, with someone new:
At least for a while. And then you'll turn the corner, as I am, and you will open yourself up for -- as scary as it may be -- finding that kind of love again, with someone new:
I would give anything I own
Give up my life, my heart, my home
I would give everything I own
Just to have you back again
Just to touch you once again
Friday, November 27, 2015
Be As You Are
 |
| Cheers to our favorite Cabernet lover! |
My son and I had already had one (huge, delicious!) Thanksgiving dinner with friends yesterday, so I was extra intent on getting my usual run in even though it was such a cold, blustery day.
My usual run is from the farm to the cemetery where my friend is buried, a friend who was married to my cousin when she died at age 37.
I always get something from visiting that place, and this time it was a mixture of forgiveness, the importance of choosing to love, and a deep understanding that so often the things in life that are most challenging are the most satisfying.
After dinner we played games, as usual, and my sister and Aunt and other family members always like to enjoy some wine together. I don't usually join, but when I heard that the bottle they opened was one that my late friend had brought to the farm (at least six years ago), I knew that I had to at least have a sip.
A bit later, one of my cousins was reminiscing about my wedding in St. John, and he played this song for me on his phone:
Man, I could use a Pina Colada
Little bit of sun on my skin
A hammock, a book
Never gonna look back
Once my feet hit the sand
I've had it up to here with this rat race
Need a smile on my face
...which mentions a bar where he and my other cousin hung out while we were down there:
I want to go where I can lighten up the load
Drive a little while on the wrong side of the road
Get this laying low off to a flying start
Play my guitar in the Caribbean sun
Hang with the locals at the Quiet Mon
Where you can be a tourist, a beach bum, or a star
And be as you are
St. John is certainly an incredible place:
Gettin' stuck sure would be easy
In this palm tree paradise
Ambition fades with every wave
For the finer things in life
Maybe I'll just hang around here
Go home later next year
But I felt pretty darn grateful to be right where I was today, in the midst of my family, all of us imperfect humans, doing our best to love each other. And I could feel the love, more than usual, and so could my kids.
A happy thanksgiving indeed!
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
Veterinarian Song
 |
| Our perfect little guinea pig, Snickers, in brighter times |
It’s a veterinarian’s song
About animal diseases
Wherever you go
You see that animals are love
We do everything we can
To keep them alive
But I have a good reason. We lost our beloved guinea pig, Snickers, last night, and literally the only thing that made the whole situation bearable was the vet that we saw when we went to the hospital. She was so awesome. She patiently explained all of our options, wrote them down on a whiteboard with prices attached, and let us consider our options.
Which, by the time we brought her in, were to do a bunch of expensive tests and try to figure out what was wrong with her or put her to sleep. (She was too skinny and sick to just bring her back home.)
Many tears were shed, many of them mine, and we decided that at the age of 4, Snickers might have a few more good years in her (average life expectancy is 5-8 years), so we elected to let her stay overnight and have the tests.
When I awoke, bright and early this morning, there was a message from the vet saying that poor little Snickers had passed away sometime between 10 pm and midnight. The message was SO sweet. She called Snickers a perfect little guinea pig, and said she was so so sorry they couldn't save her.
I just adored this woman. So good, so earnest, so lovely. Kinda like the vet dude who wrote this sweetly hilarious song:
But I have a good reason. We lost our beloved guinea pig, Snickers, last night, and literally the only thing that made the whole situation bearable was the vet that we saw when we went to the hospital. She was so awesome. She patiently explained all of our options, wrote them down on a whiteboard with prices attached, and let us consider our options.
Which, by the time we brought her in, were to do a bunch of expensive tests and try to figure out what was wrong with her or put her to sleep. (She was too skinny and sick to just bring her back home.)
Many tears were shed, many of them mine, and we decided that at the age of 4, Snickers might have a few more good years in her (average life expectancy is 5-8 years), so we elected to let her stay overnight and have the tests.
When I awoke, bright and early this morning, there was a message from the vet saying that poor little Snickers had passed away sometime between 10 pm and midnight. The message was SO sweet. She called Snickers a perfect little guinea pig, and said she was so so sorry they couldn't save her.
I just adored this woman. So good, so earnest, so lovely. Kinda like the vet dude who wrote this sweetly hilarious song:
Animals should be loved
I’m a fan
My profession is my life
My profession is my life
I have a dog
three cats and an understanding wife
The good relationship
between animal and vet
is a good reason to be glad
Veterinarian
Animals should be loved
Veterinarian
Please help again
He may be a bit of an odd duck, but he is right on with these lyrics:
Different people
With their pets
Some leave happy
Some leave sad
Animals with a long life
Are good for our soul
and our lives
Animals should be loved
The children grow up
And we get older too
The neverending friendship
Between pets and ourselves is priceless
The oldest don't want to lose their best friend
They don't want to accept that it could be the end
It's true. We didn't want to accept it. But we didn't really have a choice. It was just her time. We never even figured out what was wrong with her -- what made her get sick and lose all that weight in the first place.
My kids were sad that she died in the hospital, and they didn't get to say goodbye, but I felt like we did. We wrapped her little body up, covered her with the beautiful red maple leaves that are just starting to turn in our backyard, and took turns talking about what a wonderful addition to our family this little lady was for all of us.
three cats and an understanding wife
The good relationship
between animal and vet
is a good reason to be glad
Veterinarian
Animals should be loved
Veterinarian
Please help again
He may be a bit of an odd duck, but he is right on with these lyrics:
 |
| May she rest in peace (in our backyard) |
With their pets
Some leave happy
Some leave sad
Animals with a long life
Are good for our soul
and our lives
Animals should be loved
The children grow up
And we get older too
The neverending friendship
Between pets and ourselves is priceless
The oldest don't want to lose their best friend
They don't want to accept that it could be the end
It's true. We didn't want to accept it. But we didn't really have a choice. It was just her time. We never even figured out what was wrong with her -- what made her get sick and lose all that weight in the first place.
My kids were sad that she died in the hospital, and they didn't get to say goodbye, but I felt like we did. We wrapped her little body up, covered her with the beautiful red maple leaves that are just starting to turn in our backyard, and took turns talking about what a wonderful addition to our family this little lady was for all of us.
After the funeral, I was giving my son a ride to his Dad's house, and he was lamenting the fact that he'd now lost both of the pets he was closest to -- Snickers at my house and his cat Gracie at his Dad's -- who died last summer. I felt for him.
Then he mentioned that he was sad that he was starting to forget what Gracie looked like, outside of pictures, and what she felt like.
"I know exactly what you mean, honey, " I said, tears rolling down my face for what felt like the 40th time that day, "I feel the same way about the New Englander (except I used his name), except he's not dead, just gone from my life."
I guess that's just something you go through when you love and lose someone, we decided. And it hurts like crazy, but there's no way around it...
Then he mentioned that he was sad that he was starting to forget what Gracie looked like, outside of pictures, and what she felt like.
"I know exactly what you mean, honey, " I said, tears rolling down my face for what felt like the 40th time that day, "I feel the same way about the New Englander (except I used his name), except he's not dead, just gone from my life."
I guess that's just something you go through when you love and lose someone, we decided. And it hurts like crazy, but there's no way around it...
Monday, October 5, 2015
Into Dust
It's been a bit of a rough stretch and today didn't feel any more comfortable despite some good things that happened. I decided to give myself a double dose of yoga (which sometimes helps when I'm just not feeling comfortable in my own skin).
I'd never been to the class before, but I had been to one other class with this teacher. She's lovely, but I wanted to kill her when she had us hanging out not once, not twice, but three times in Malasana (a deep squat). Yep, those hips of mine are holding onto stuff -- and if other yoga teachers I've had are correct -- both our exes and our parents (!) live in our hips.
Somewhere along the way -- not sure if it was squat number two or number three -- the tears started to come. I didn't want to give into them too much in a room full of people I didn't know -- so I kept my grieving quiet until the teacher had the audacity to play Mazzy Star's Fade Into You. (You need only click that link to read the short post I wrote nearly five years ago now about that song).
Luckily it was during savasana (where everyone is lying on their back with their eyes closed), because the tears definitely picked up steam when I heard Mazzy's voice.
Since I've already used the song that played in yoga today, here's a song from Mazzy with a more apt title for what became of that once-so-promising love:
Still falling
Breathless and on again
Inside today
Beside me today
Around broken in two
'Till you eyes shed
Into dust
Like two strangers
Turning into dust
'Till my hand shook with the way I fear
I could possibly be fading
Or have something more to gain
I could feel myself growing colder
I could feel myself under your fate
Under your fate
It was you breathless and tall
I could feel my eyes turning into dust
And two strangers turning into dust
Turning into dust
I'd never been to the class before, but I had been to one other class with this teacher. She's lovely, but I wanted to kill her when she had us hanging out not once, not twice, but three times in Malasana (a deep squat). Yep, those hips of mine are holding onto stuff -- and if other yoga teachers I've had are correct -- both our exes and our parents (!) live in our hips.
Somewhere along the way -- not sure if it was squat number two or number three -- the tears started to come. I didn't want to give into them too much in a room full of people I didn't know -- so I kept my grieving quiet until the teacher had the audacity to play Mazzy Star's Fade Into You. (You need only click that link to read the short post I wrote nearly five years ago now about that song).
Luckily it was during savasana (where everyone is lying on their back with their eyes closed), because the tears definitely picked up steam when I heard Mazzy's voice.
Since I've already used the song that played in yoga today, here's a song from Mazzy with a more apt title for what became of that once-so-promising love:
Still falling
Breathless and on again
Inside today
Beside me today
Around broken in two
'Till you eyes shed
Into dust
Like two strangers
Turning into dust
'Till my hand shook with the way I fear
I could possibly be fading
Or have something more to gain
I could feel myself growing colder
I could feel myself under your fate
Under your fate
It was you breathless and tall
I could feel my eyes turning into dust
And two strangers turning into dust
Turning into dust
Friday, September 18, 2015
The One That Got Away
 |
| U.P. here I come! |
I decided to turn on music to drown it out, and that worked for a while, but I was already feeling raw emotionally -- so much so that Katy Perry sent me right over the edge:
In another life
I would be your girl
We'd keep all our promises
Be us against the world
In another life
I would make you stay
So I don't have to say
You were the one that got away
The one that got away
I know! Katy Perry. It's just that I was preparing for my road trip to the UP sans the one who not only got away from me in general but used to get away with me up there, and I just lost it.
Then I lost it again in the car when I was leaving a friend a voicemail, and, well, let's just say it happened repeatedly during the long journey and is part of the reason I expected this trip to be a catharsis and that I was ok going by myself.
But here's the thing: This is not another life. This is my life. I am single. I am fit. I like mountain biking and camping especially in beautiful weather and beautiful places. I don't know a lot of people who are both free to get away and who enjoy the same kind of weekend. So I am making it happen!
Thursday, September 17, 2015
Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise
This week I learned that my first boyfriend recently had a grand mal seizure, and when he went to the hospital they found and successfully removed a brain tumor, which was cancerous.
I was 18 when we broke up, and haven't heard much from him since, but the news still hit me pretty hard. It was one of those people are mortal, even my people, and they won't all always be okay kind of realizations that aren't that fun to have.
Speaking of not fun, this morning I ran into a friend's ex-boyfriend at my favorite coffee shop. He's super sad about their breakup, and always wants to talk about it when I see him because I'm the only person that knows them both. And I feel for him - oh man, do I feel for him. He's in the why does something so senseless have to happen to me phase, and I remember that phase very well.
Luckily, as I told him, I'm on the other side of it now, and I was able to share the lessons I learned by going through that crazy painful process of grieving my lover once removed:
1) Don't try to figure out why, or ask yourself what you could or should have done differently. You did the best you could and you can't expect more from yourself than that. Plus, even if you could figure out why, it wouldn't make it hurt any less.
2) If it seems senseless, it may just be senseless. Senseless things happen in this life every day. People sometimes have to bury their children. Accidents disfigure people forever. Loves that we felt were oh-so-right sometimes don't work out. We don't get to make sense of these things. We just have to learn to live in the new reality.
3) Trust that this loss is happening to you for a reason, that there is something to be gained for YOU here. I gained SO much from my own grieving process. I know that I'm way more capable than I was before that loss of being the kind of partner that I want to be to the man I love.
4) Believe in a world where if you lose a great love, they either eventually come back when you're both in different, better places or you fall in love with someone else and it's just as great a love as the one you lost. Those are the only two outcomes in my Universe, anyway. You know what the Universe says: Thoughts become things. Choose the good ones!
Heard this song in the car today, and it struck just the right chord for a girl who found out an old friend has cancer, is helping another friend through a breakup, and is gearing up for a beautiful weekend on Lake Superior:
There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
And it comes in black and it comes in white
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it
When nothing is owed or deserved or expected
And your life doesn't change by the man that's elected
If you're loved by someone, you're never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
There's a darkness upon you that's flooded in light
And in the fine print they tell you what's wrong and what's right
And it flies by day and it flies by night
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it
And the best news of all is that my special super bright bike light came today -- so when the darkness comes upon me in Copper Harbor, it will be flooded in light -- road full of promise indeed!
I was 18 when we broke up, and haven't heard much from him since, but the news still hit me pretty hard. It was one of those people are mortal, even my people, and they won't all always be okay kind of realizations that aren't that fun to have.
Speaking of not fun, this morning I ran into a friend's ex-boyfriend at my favorite coffee shop. He's super sad about their breakup, and always wants to talk about it when I see him because I'm the only person that knows them both. And I feel for him - oh man, do I feel for him. He's in the why does something so senseless have to happen to me phase, and I remember that phase very well.
Luckily, as I told him, I'm on the other side of it now, and I was able to share the lessons I learned by going through that crazy painful process of grieving my lover once removed:
1) Don't try to figure out why, or ask yourself what you could or should have done differently. You did the best you could and you can't expect more from yourself than that. Plus, even if you could figure out why, it wouldn't make it hurt any less.
2) If it seems senseless, it may just be senseless. Senseless things happen in this life every day. People sometimes have to bury their children. Accidents disfigure people forever. Loves that we felt were oh-so-right sometimes don't work out. We don't get to make sense of these things. We just have to learn to live in the new reality.
3) Trust that this loss is happening to you for a reason, that there is something to be gained for YOU here. I gained SO much from my own grieving process. I know that I'm way more capable than I was before that loss of being the kind of partner that I want to be to the man I love.
4) Believe in a world where if you lose a great love, they either eventually come back when you're both in different, better places or you fall in love with someone else and it's just as great a love as the one you lost. Those are the only two outcomes in my Universe, anyway. You know what the Universe says: Thoughts become things. Choose the good ones!
Heard this song in the car today, and it struck just the right chord for a girl who found out an old friend has cancer, is helping another friend through a breakup, and is gearing up for a beautiful weekend on Lake Superior:
There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
And it comes in black and it comes in white
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it
When nothing is owed or deserved or expected
And your life doesn't change by the man that's elected
If you're loved by someone, you're never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
There's a darkness upon you that's flooded in light
And in the fine print they tell you what's wrong and what's right
And it flies by day and it flies by night
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it
And the best news of all is that my special super bright bike light came today -- so when the darkness comes upon me in Copper Harbor, it will be flooded in light -- road full of promise indeed!
Sunday, September 13, 2015
Love Me Two Times
I heard this song on the radio on the way to yoga today:
Love me two times, baby
Love me twice today
Love me two times, girl
I'm goin' away
Love me two times, girl
One for tomorrow
One just for today
Love me two times
I'm goin' away
And it prompted lots of thoughts and feelings, among them:
1) I am indeed goin' away soon. I'm going up to Copper Harbor to camp and enjoy some really excellent mountain biking. I love it up there. It's so beautiful. I'm excited. It's just that every time I even think about actually going up there without the New Englander, I start crying.
Well, I told myself as Jim Morrison crooned away in the background, maybe this is just the next layer of the grieving process. Last year I wanted to go, but I couldn't bring myself to do it in the end. This year, despite all the tears, it feels like I'm really going to make the trek.
Love me one time
I could not speak
Love me one time
Yeah, my knees got weak
But love me two times, girl
Last me all through the week
Love me two times
I'm goin' away
Love me two times
I'm goin' away
2) Now that I'm not with the man who loved me two times and then some, I pondered whether I should try to rustle up some other male accompaniment to make the journey with me. You know, someone else to love me two times. As I recall, I pondered the same thing last year. It seemed like it would be easier to face the loss if I had someone else on whom to focus.
I'm sure it would be easier. And if said adventuresome man had walked (or ridden) into my life by now, I'm sure he'd be accompanying me on this trip. But he hasn't. And I'm not about to go hunting for someone for the purpose of making a loss easier to bear. That's not how I roll.
So I'm going to be brave. I'm going to do it alone. I've never camped alone before, so it feels a little daunting, but I have a feeling that going through with this under present circumstances will be good for me. More growing and all that:
Oh, yes
Love me two times, babe
Love me twice today
Love me two times, babe
'Cause I'm goin' away
Love me two time, girl
One for tomorrow
One just for today
Love me two times
I'm goin' away
Love me two times
I'm goin' away
Love me two times
I'm goin' away
Love me two times, baby
Love me twice today
Love me two times, girl
I'm goin' away
Love me two times, girl
One for tomorrow
One just for today
Love me two times
I'm goin' away
And it prompted lots of thoughts and feelings, among them:
1) I am indeed goin' away soon. I'm going up to Copper Harbor to camp and enjoy some really excellent mountain biking. I love it up there. It's so beautiful. I'm excited. It's just that every time I even think about actually going up there without the New Englander, I start crying.
Well, I told myself as Jim Morrison crooned away in the background, maybe this is just the next layer of the grieving process. Last year I wanted to go, but I couldn't bring myself to do it in the end. This year, despite all the tears, it feels like I'm really going to make the trek.
Love me one time
I could not speak
Love me one time
Yeah, my knees got weak
But love me two times, girl
Last me all through the week
Love me two times
I'm goin' away
Love me two times
I'm goin' away
2) Now that I'm not with the man who loved me two times and then some, I pondered whether I should try to rustle up some other male accompaniment to make the journey with me. You know, someone else to love me two times. As I recall, I pondered the same thing last year. It seemed like it would be easier to face the loss if I had someone else on whom to focus.
I'm sure it would be easier. And if said adventuresome man had walked (or ridden) into my life by now, I'm sure he'd be accompanying me on this trip. But he hasn't. And I'm not about to go hunting for someone for the purpose of making a loss easier to bear. That's not how I roll.
So I'm going to be brave. I'm going to do it alone. I've never camped alone before, so it feels a little daunting, but I have a feeling that going through with this under present circumstances will be good for me. More growing and all that:
Oh, yes
Love me two times, babe
Love me twice today
Love me two times, babe
'Cause I'm goin' away
Love me two time, girl
One for tomorrow
One just for today
Love me two times
I'm goin' away
Love me two times
I'm goin' away
Love me two times
I'm goin' away
Friday, August 21, 2015
Promise
Today was a bit of a roller coaster for me emotionally. No practice this morning, so that may in part explain it. Last day of tryouts for my son, that may be part of it too. When I got home from dropping him off, I argued with my daughter a bit and decided I needed to have a seat on my meditation cushion and see what showed up.
I know the point of meditation is not to think, but thoughts come: that's what they do. And the thought that came as I sat down was of the day five years ago that my first love and I got to revisit the summer camp where we met. It was such an incredible day, and when he and I were chatting this week over Whatsapp, we both recalled how perfectly delightful that day was for both of us.
And then I tried to let go of that thought. And then I succeeded. Sort of. Because the one that came next came not with a peaceful feeling, but with a flood of tears: I found myself trying to think of a day like that with the New Englander that would let me touch the goodness without all the sadness, but it wasn't possible. I thought of the first full day we spent together, and all I could do was cry. Although it was a beautiful day, that's not what I feel when I recall it; I just feel sadness and loss.
I'm at the point now with myself that I no longer wish to be feeling differently than I am. So I let myself feel sad, and afterward, as I went about my day, I felt less grumpy.
Later in the day, riding home on the beautiful path along the lake, my thoughts turned to the tears shed earlier in the day and why it still feels so sad. I think it's something about the promise I felt on that day and on so many days with him. It's hard when something promising slips through your hands. Really fucking hard.
Facebook didn't help by providing me with a flashback to the photo taken on this day last year, when the kids and I were camping with the New Englander in Maine at Acadia. That's probably another reason the sadness is more prominent today.
When I got home, I decided to watch a movie on Netflix. Without too much searching, I found If I Stay, which I hadn't seen when it was in the theaters but was curious about it.
Wouldn't you know it? This movie opened up still more grief about the promise of my last love, in the form of this aptly titled song:
And meet me there, bundles of flowers,
We wait through the hours of cold
Winter shall howl at the walls,
Tearing down doors of time.
Shelter as we go...
And promise me this:
You’ll wait for me only,
Scared of the lonely arms.
Surface, far below these words
And maybe, just maybe I’ll come home
Who am I, darling to you?
Who am I?
Gonna tell you stories of mine
Who am I?
Who am I, darling for you?
Who am I?
Gonna be a burden in time, lonely
Who am I, to you?
Who am I, darling for you?
Who am I?
Going to be a burden
Who am I, darling to you?
Who am I?
And in this line:
You're supposed to break up with somebody because you're not in love with him not because you're completely in love with him.
I wasn't 18 (like the character in the movie), but I found myself puzzled by this in my breakup too.
I don't get it. I may never get it. And I don't know how long it will take to get over it. How many more days, weeks, months or years will it be before the main thing I feel when I remember my time with the New Englander is something other than a feeling of grief and loss? I don't know.
But I know that the time will come, and I know that in the meantime, I'm fully capable of being and feeling where I am and what I feel today...
I know the point of meditation is not to think, but thoughts come: that's what they do. And the thought that came as I sat down was of the day five years ago that my first love and I got to revisit the summer camp where we met. It was such an incredible day, and when he and I were chatting this week over Whatsapp, we both recalled how perfectly delightful that day was for both of us.
And then I tried to let go of that thought. And then I succeeded. Sort of. Because the one that came next came not with a peaceful feeling, but with a flood of tears: I found myself trying to think of a day like that with the New Englander that would let me touch the goodness without all the sadness, but it wasn't possible. I thought of the first full day we spent together, and all I could do was cry. Although it was a beautiful day, that's not what I feel when I recall it; I just feel sadness and loss.
I'm at the point now with myself that I no longer wish to be feeling differently than I am. So I let myself feel sad, and afterward, as I went about my day, I felt less grumpy.
Later in the day, riding home on the beautiful path along the lake, my thoughts turned to the tears shed earlier in the day and why it still feels so sad. I think it's something about the promise I felt on that day and on so many days with him. It's hard when something promising slips through your hands. Really fucking hard.
Facebook didn't help by providing me with a flashback to the photo taken on this day last year, when the kids and I were camping with the New Englander in Maine at Acadia. That's probably another reason the sadness is more prominent today.
When I got home, I decided to watch a movie on Netflix. Without too much searching, I found If I Stay, which I hadn't seen when it was in the theaters but was curious about it.
Wouldn't you know it? This movie opened up still more grief about the promise of my last love, in the form of this aptly titled song:
And meet me there, bundles of flowers,
We wait through the hours of cold
Winter shall howl at the walls,
Tearing down doors of time.
Shelter as we go...
And promise me this:
You’ll wait for me only,
Scared of the lonely arms.
Surface, far below these words
And maybe, just maybe I’ll come home
Who am I, darling to you?
Who am I?
Gonna tell you stories of mine
Who am I?
Who am I, darling for you?
Who am I?
Gonna be a burden in time, lonely
Who am I, to you?
Who am I, darling for you?
Who am I?
Going to be a burden
Who am I, darling to you?
Who am I?
And in this line:
You're supposed to break up with somebody because you're not in love with him not because you're completely in love with him.
I wasn't 18 (like the character in the movie), but I found myself puzzled by this in my breakup too.
I don't get it. I may never get it. And I don't know how long it will take to get over it. How many more days, weeks, months or years will it be before the main thing I feel when I remember my time with the New Englander is something other than a feeling of grief and loss? I don't know.
But I know that the time will come, and I know that in the meantime, I'm fully capable of being and feeling where I am and what I feel today...
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