Learning to Fly

That's my boy on the far left, in his first year o' life

I'm up a little early this morning -- my sleep is all goofy from being in California earlier in the week -- and plus, I think my body knew I needed a bit of processing time to properly prepare for this day.

Thirteen years ago today, I gave birth to a baby boy. Yep, today marks the official beginning of the teenage years, so it seems fitting that my internal ipod chose this song with which to wake me this morning:

I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing

Being a parent is such an incredible gift, such an invitation to explore all the possibilities, and the pitfalls, of the human form. Ranking right up there in both of those categories is learning to let go, to hold on a bit more loosely, to see what is able to flourish when we allow for more space.

In my son's case, I'm constantly amazed at the young man he's rapidly becoming, and I get to be there to celebrate his many victories when he manages to fly, and help cushion the blow when he comes down, which as Tom reminds us, is inevitable sometimes:

I'm learning to fly, around the clouds,
But what goes up must come down

And although a part of me will always miss the infant that he was, that time of almost total dependence, another part celebrates every step he takes toward independence, just as I celebrated his very first steps...

Easy

I was in the Bay Area this past weekend. Had a conference in Oakland on Monday and Tuesday, and decided to go out a little early and see some friends in San Francisco. I had an excellent time -- blue skies both days -- got to go for a walk at the Presidio and a run in Golden Gate Park -- both with my friend -- such a treat!

After a day cooped up indoors on Monday, I sought out a yoga class and then went for a run afterward. The inner jukebox dialed up this number early in the run:

I wanna be high, so high
I wanna be free to know
The things I do are right
I wanna be free
Just me, babe!

It could've been all the black people that brought Lionel to mind (I love visiting cities full of black people -- Madison is so white!), or all the people I saw (and smelled) getting high in San Francisco, or all the talk about it, or the fact that I slept until 11am Pacific, 1pm Central time on Sunday after having a greater number than usual of adult beverages on Saturday evening, but this song just ran with me, on repeat, for the whole three miles:

That's why I'm easy
I'm easy like sunday morning
That's why I'm easy
I'm easy like sunday morning
Because I'm easy
Easy like sunday morning
Because I'm easy
Easy like sunday morning

Faith No More did a pretty fun cover of this song, too -- check it out if you are so inclined!

How Will I Know

Today in TRX class, the instructor was tuned in to an 80's channel. When this song came on, she said "I don't know if I can do this song! So cheesy! What do you think guys? Is this too cheesy?"

Not to worry, my fellow Whitney fans and cheesy song lovers, I stopped her from forwarding past this song AND sang along:

There's a boy I know, he's the one I dream of
Looks into my eyes, takes me to the clouds above
Ooh I lose control, can't seem to get enough
When I wake from dreaming, tell me is it really love

How will I know (Don't trust your feelings)
How will I know
How will I know (Love can be deceiving)
How will I know
How will I know if he really loves me

I say a prayer with every heart beat
I fall in love whenever we meet
I'm asking you what you know about these things
How will I know if he's thinking of me
I try to phone but I'm too shy (can't speak)
Falling in love is all bitter sweet
This love is strong why do I feel weak

Oh, wake me, I'm shaking, wish I had you near me now
Said there's no mistaking, what I feel is really love

You sang it, sister!

With Teeth

I once had a huge crush on a dude who was a huge NIN fan. I sort of tolerated the music at the time, but didn't really understand the appeal. I still only sort of get it, but I read a great article about him in The New Yorker a few weeks ago, and then heard this number today:

She comes along
She gets inside
She makes you better than anything you've tried
It's in her kiss
The blackest sea
And it runs deeper than you
Dare to dream it could be

With teeth [x4]

There's definitely something animalistic about this guy on stage, so the fact that the lyrics are a little out there should come as no surprise:

Wave goodbye
To what you were
The rules have changed
The lines begin to blur
She makes you hard
It comes on strong
You finally found
The place where you belong

I cannot go through this again [x8]

She will not let you go
Keeps holding on
She will not let you go
Keeps holding on
This time, I'm not coming back
She will not let you go
This time, I'm not coming back
She will not let you go

I heard that, Trent. I will not let him go.

I Will Wait

This is one of those times when a song picks me. Everywhere I turn, this song is playing, so I reckon it is time for me to see if it has a message for me:

Well, I came home
Like a stone
And I fell heavy into your arms
These days of darkness
Which we've known
Will blow away with this new sun

I'm feeling that first verse for sure -- I'm so relieved that the days are once again getting longer and the streets a bit less ice-covered...

But I'll kneel down,
Wait for now
And I'll kneel down,
Know my ground

and I have recently recommitted myself to the practices of yoga and meditation...

And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

...and after my alone time last week, I'm just kind of settling in with my man and trying to stay in the moment rather than worry about what will happen, which I guess in a sense is me waiting for him rather than needing it to be exactly as I've choreographed it...

Now I'll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh
And fix my eyes
A tethered mind freed from the lies

...and I always, always try to use my head and my heart to figure out my truth and speak it...

And I'll kneel down,
Wait for now
I'll kneel down,
Know my ground

...and one of the ways I do that is through the practice of yoga and meditation...

Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Feel my heart slow

Thanks, Mumford & Sons, for reminding me that I can take my time and let him take his, 'cause it's ok, if I wanna say:

'Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

It's My Life

Good to know the internal ipod didn't suffer too much from so little marking last month: tonight it started in with this number, which I don't believe I've heard in decades, but is certainly apropos of this point in my life:

I've asked myself, how much do you commit yourself?
It's my life, don't you forget
It's my life, it never ends (It never ends)

After a bit of a rough road last weekend, my man and I spent some time apart this week. I just really needed some space so I could try to figure out what was at the root of the pain that came up for me as a result of our interactions. As I've been blogging about recently, my boyfriend's plan to move back East has certainly stirred up feelings for me, but the whole time, my heart has been clear and resolute about not wanting or seeing a need to let him go, no matter where we each live.

On Friday I had a couple of meals out with friends, and I talked about our situation with each of them, hoping to gain some insight or path forward that I couldn't see myself:

Funny how I blind myself, I never knew
If I was sometimes played upon, afraid to lose

The most useful piece of advice was that I should tell him that it is hard for me to be in a position of not knowing if he is committed to us trying to make it work, regardless of Wisco's lack of appeal (for him) and his impending departure.

Saying so really helped open the lines of communication, and now I feel like we are both in a position where we are grappling with these questions:

I've asked myself, how much do you commit yourself?
It's my life, don't you forget

But more ok with the possibility of either outcome, though I've not once been able to speak without crying about the possibility that we might break up for real.

And I reckon that's a sign in and of itself...