I Want A Love I Can See

I watched a lovely movie tonight, The Soloist. It's about showing up for your people (and all the other things listed below in the labels), and that message really resonates for me right now as I observe the people in my life who show up for me and those who don't.

One of the songs from the soundtrack is this one, which also really resonated tonight:

I want a love I can see. (Ah-Pow-Pow)
That's the only kind that means a thing to me. (Ah-Pow-Pow)
Don't want a love you have to tell me about. (Ah-Pow-Pow)
That kind of loving I can sure do without. (I can sure do without)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

I want a love I can feel. (Doo-Doo)
That's the only kind of loving I think it's real. (Doo-Doo)
Don't want to be quoted by something I heard now. (Doo-Doo)
'Cause baby action speaks louder than words. (Ah, louder than words)

Yeah, yeah, yeah

I want a love that's mine. (I want a love, that's mine)
In the rain or in sun, sun, sunshine. (I want a love, that's mine)
A love to keep warm when it's cold. (I want a love, that's mine)
The kind of love that will never grow old. (Never grow old)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh-uh-huh

(Don't you know I want a love)
(Why don't you know I want a love)
(Why don't you know I want a love)

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Want a love I can see. (I wanna love I can see)
The kind of love you can give to me. (Give to me)
The kind of kisses to make, make me melt. (Ooo, make me melt)
The kind of love that can really be felt, now. (Really be felt)

Yeah, yeah, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby... I
Yeah, I want her love now.
The kind of love that can be felt.
Uh-huh. Yeah

I've learned that I'm now fully capable of giving the kind of love that can be felt. For my next trick, I'm going to figure out the receiving of that kind of love...

Neon Tiger

The eye of my very own neon tiger (pants)

When I awoke this morning I had one of those moments when I got very clear about something that I'd been sort of clear about for a long time but had never gotten to the stage where I knew when the next step was coming or what it was.

I'm not ready to say exactly what it is yet, but suffice it to say I feel wayyyyyyyyy more free than I did just yesterday and that feels good.

Speaking of feeling good, I finally made it to a TRX class today. I haven't been in a number of weeks because of being sick and having work meetings that conflicted, but I still felt really strong. The instructor called me out when he was talking about the importance of breathing saying: "Just ask Sarah if you don't believe me. She teaches yoga. The one with the pants." And we all got a good mid-workout laugh in.

At the end of workout, the instructor had us do a partner stretch. I chose a woman next to me who was of similar height, but the partner stretch still didn't really work that well. I wondered aloud why that was and she said: "It's because you're crazy strong!"

I'm telling you, it's all the yoga. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely believe other fitness classes, running, and biking all help me stay in shape, but I love that I can be pretty dang strong, especially in my upper body, just from doing an hour of yoga six times per week.

Even so, the neon tiger in me sure was grateful for the release during my work day today:

Run neon tiger there's a lot on your mind
They promised just to pet you, but don't you let them get you
Away, away, oh, run
Under heat of the southwest sun

Took to the spotlight like a diamond ring
Came from the woodwork and the hopes they might
Redeem themselves from poor decisions to win big

Run neon tiger there's a lot on your mind
They'll strategize and maim you, but don't you let them tame you
You're far too pure and bold
To suffer the strain of the hand and its hold.

I don't wanna be kept, I don't wanna be caged, I don't wanna be damned, oh hell
I don't wanna be broke, I don't wanna be saved, I don't wanna be S.O.L.
Give me rolling hills and tonight can be the night that I stand among the thousand thrills
Mister cut me some slack, 'cause I don't wanna go back, I want a new day and age

Yes I do. And it's coming. Soon. I can feel it...

Nothin' At All

"You're not fat but you kinda look fat in that coat"

This day is almost officially over, and my feelings about that, like the day itself, are mixed.

Normally, when my alarm goes off on Sunday mornings, even though it's early (between 6:30am and 7:00am), I'm excited to get up to go to my yoga practice. This morning, not so much.

I had a bunch of really upsetting dreams last night, and I woke up feeling like I'd been run over by a truck. I got out my dream journal, wrote down what I could remember, and then forced myself to swing my feet over the side of the bed. Numerous parts of my body hurt. My knee, which has been hurting for a few weeks now, but also weird things, like my hands, forearms and wrists, from climbing yesterday.

I sat there for a few minutes trying to decide whether to go or not. Again, super unusual for me, and I almost decided to stay home just because it's so rare for me to feel like that.

But then I remembered how my day yesterday got more difficult as it went on, and yesterday was my day off from practicing, so I forced myself out the door. I knew today would be challenging given that 1) we had to get the house cleaned before we left for skiing, 2) I needed to take both kids skiing today and they're not super compatible skiers.

It's a good thing I got my practice in -- skiing went as predicted but also had some twists -- such as when my daughter and I went to get on the fast chair lift and I didn't realize in time that there was no seat on the one I "sat" down on and that subsequently whisked me away. By the time the dude managed to stop the lift I was at least six feet off the ground. I tried to convince him to let me ride it up the mountain sitting on the bar but he wasn't having it. And so, I jumped, with my ski boots on, six feet off a chair lift and onto the lift attendant. Amazingly, neither one of us got hurt, but it was quite an experience.

I enjoyed being out there, I really did, but all day I felt pulled between my son and my daughter. At a certain point, when I realized I couldn't win because both were headed off to different chair lifts and both were mad if I didn't come with them, I just sat down at the bonfire in between the two chair lifts, took off my boots, warmed up my feet, took the selfie above (complete with a quote from my daughter) and sang along to the familiar song that was playing (I was alone at said bonfire):

One of the day's highlights: a gorgeous sunset

I would walk home every evening
Through the pyramids of light
I would feed myself on silence
Wash it down with empty nights

Then your innocent distractions
Hit me so hard
My emotional reaction
Caught me off guard

It was nothing at all
Like anything I had felt before
And it was nothing at all
Like I thought no it's so much more
No one else has ever made
Me feel this way
When I asked you how you did it
You just say
It was nothing at all

Now I walk home every evening
And my feet are quick to move
Cause I know my destination
Is a warm and waiting you
From our first communication
It was clear
Any thought of moderation
Would soon disappear

It was nothing at all
Like anything I had felt before
And it was nothing at all
Like I thought no, it's so much more
No one else has ever made
Me feel this way
when I asked you how you did it
You just say
It was nothing at all

Gotta love Heart. And heart...

Little Giant

My very own little giant climbing this morning

This morning my daughter cashed in on one of the Christmas presents I gave her: a Groupon to take four of her friends with her to Boulders for two hours of climbing.

We had a really good time. It was very fun to be back at the climbing gym again -- it has been ages since we've been.

I even had some opportunity to do some bouldering, which was very fun. And of course, the eye candy -- climbers, in my view, tend to be hot, and this morning's selection did not disappoint.

My daughter was so grateful: "Thanks for giving me such an awesome present!" which felt really great.

Our Saturday overall was sort of up and down, and while I did chores in between soccer games, I watched the latest episode of Parenthood.

This is one of the songs from the episode -- one that was able to get the tears flowing -- which I think helped release some of the stress I'm carrying around with this work thing:

Thought that I was in my prime.
But I was naked, dressed in my pride.
You see through the things I hide.
Yeah, it's still same, be yourself, you'll turn out alright.

You made me run like I never run,
Try like I never tried,
Fight like I've never fought,
Made me want it.
You made me run like I've never run,
Try like I've never tried,
Fight like I've never fought,
Made me want it.

I'm always saying, I'll make it right my dear,
'Cause losing you's my greatest fear.
I know I found all the blame and decide
Yeah, it's still said, don't be stupid, you'll turn out alright.

You make me run like I never run,
Try like I've never tried,
Fight like I've never fought.
Made me want it.
You make me run like I never run,
Try like I've never tried,
Fight like I've never fought.
Made me want it.

Who said it's easy, to be loved,
When you look over your shoulder and only see the wasteland?
Just got to carry what you can,
Have the heart of a giant, but know you're a man.

Who said it's easy, to be loved,
When you look over your shoulder and only see the wasteland?
Just got to carry what you can,
Have the heart of a giant, but know you're a man.

Start small, grow tall.
Start small, grow tall.
Start small, grow tall.
Start small, grow tall.

It's true. It's a proven method. I've watched it happen with my kids, it happened climbing this morning, and I have to believe it is happening in my life in general even when I sometimes still feel small...

Hero

I had a really rough day at work, and throughout my day there seemed to be a number of people who didn't have the time or the consideration to understand my point of view. I did my best to speak my truth, and while that's something I can feel proud of myself for, there was no getting away from the discomfort.

After work, I tried to deal with it as productively as I could. I stopped myself from going too far down the road of lamenting that I wasn't heading home to a supportive partner. Nope, I told myself, that's not part of today's experience. I cried. I talked to a friend. I did the things I needed to do to take care of my children. And I thought about how to talk to them about how I was feeling.

I decided to go with explaining how I felt about what had happened. They empathized. My daughter said that she thought one thing that would be hard about having kids is even when you have a bad day, you still have to take care of them. She really gets it, and I appreciated her nailing how I was feeling. I told them if they didn't mind, after dinner, I was going to try to just kind of take the night off.

I ended up watching a movie I read about in the New Yorker a while back: Boyhood. It's incredible. It's shot over a period of like 10 years as the actors grew up. It's not easy to watch at times -- there are some abusive alcoholic scenes that are very tense. But overall, it's a pretty beautiful story about how life doesn't necessarily work out the way you want it to or think it will. And the best you can do is to be true to yourself, love your people as well as you can, and enjoy the ride.

This is one of the main songs from the movie:

Let me go
I don't wanna be your hero
I don't wanna be your big man
I just wanna fight with everyone else

Your masquerade
I don't wanna be a part of your parade
Everyone deserves a chance to
Walk with everyone else

While holding down
A job to keep my girl around
And maybe buy me some new strings
And her a night out on the weekend

And we can whisper things
Secrets from our American dreams
Baby needs some protection
But I'm a kid like everyone else

So let me go
I don't wanna be your hero
I don't wanna be your big man
I just wanna fight like everyone else

And it feels like a pretty good song to mark this tough day, a day that, as many do, is pushing me to figure out how to be true to myself so that I can both enjoy my own life as much as possible and set the best possible example for my children...

Penny Lane

My very own penny (nickel, dime, quarter) lane

The days are definitely getting longer (yay!) and when I finished work today, the sun was out. I felt tempted to go out for a run, but my son had just taken his first ever high school exams and wanted to play cards, so I decided to oblige.

After we got a few hands of poker in, I decided to take a nap. While I slept, my son quietly decorated me with coins.

When I awoke and saw his masterpiece, it was this song that came to mind:

In Penny Lane there is a barber showing photographs
Of every head he's had the pleasure to know
And all the people that come and go
Stop and say hello

On the corner is a banker with a motorcar
The little children laugh at him behind his back
And the banker never wears a mack
In the pouring rain, very strange

Penny Lane is in my ears and in my eyes
There beneath the blue suburban skies
I sit, and meanwhile back

In Penny Lane there is a fireman with an hourglass
And in his pocket is a portrait of the queen
He likes to keep his fire engine clean
It's a clean machine

Penny Lane is in my ears and in my eyes
A four of fish and finger pies
In summer, meanwhile back

Behind the shelter in the middle of a roundabout
The pretty nurse is selling poppies from a tray
And though she feels as if she's in a play
She is anyway

In Penny Lane the barber shaves another customer
We see the banker sitting waiting for a trim
And then the fireman rushes in
From the pouring rain, very strange

Penny lane is in my ears and in my eyes
There beneath the blue suburban skies
I sit, and meanwhile back
Penny lane is in my ears and in my eyes
There beneath the blue suburban skies
Penny Lane...

What Can I Say

A friend sent me this song yesterday:

Look to the clock on the wall
Hands hardly moving at all
I can't stand the state that I'm in
Sometimes it feels like the walls closing in

Oh, Lord, what can I say
I'm so sad since you went away
Time, time, ticking on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord, what can I say

What can I say? I love Brandi's voice, so I pretty much always appreciate her songs. When I first played it, there was a huge part of me that wanted to say "I used to feel like that, but not anymore!" even though it isn't entirely true. I want to be over this loss, I really do, but I'm not yet.

I can honestly say that I'm not in the grip of it like I was. Although I do feel the way she sings about feeling here sometimes, I also experience other feelings. There's more space around the grief, and that in itself is huge.

I'm also trying to address the loneliness that I brought into my last relationship so that it isn't with me either when I'm alone or in another relationship. It's a big job, and a tough job too:

Try to burn my troubles away
Drown my sorrow the same way
Seems no matter how hard I try
Feels like there's something just missing inside

But I understand now that the something that is missing is a part of my own wholeness. It doesn't really have anything to do with any man, and it's me that has to address that piece.

Part of the reason this loss is so complicated for me is that the New Englander was the person, more than anyone else in my life besides my own children, who helped me move toward wholeness. So giving him up while on this path just felt wrong and counterintuitive to me. But he has his own path, and it must feel right to him because that's what he's chosen. Besides, although being with him facilitates my healing, it does feel like there's some of it that I have to do on my own:

Oh, Lord, what can I say
I'm so sad since you went away
Time, time, ticking on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord, what can I say
Oh, Lord, what can I say

The line "alone is the last place I wanted to be" doesn't really feel true for me -- there are many aspects of being alone that I enjoy -- but again there's a complication in getting used to this period of aloneness that I've never had to deal with so profoundly. And that is just how much every part of me enjoyed being with him:

How many rules can I break
How many lies can I make
How many roads must I turn
To find me a place where the bridge hasn't burned

I don't know if the bridge between us has burned. I was talking to my spiritual teacher on Sunday and she told me that the New Englander has served me well in terms of calling me home (that's her terminology for looking deeply at oneself/doing your own work) and he continues to do that for me, even in the absence of communication. She said it may be that part of what feels so wrenching about letting go is that part of me knows there is still more he has to teach me, and I him.

Oh, Lord, what can I say
I'm so sad since you went away
Time, time, ticking on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord, what can I say
Oh, Lord, what can I say

I'll say one more thing about how this loss feels today compared to how it has felt previously. It used to feel like some vital part of me had been amputated, leaving behind a bloody, misshapen, semi-functional mess. It doesn't feel that way anymore. Now it feels more like the coolest dog I ever had is dead. Part of me will always miss him, but I can live a full life without him. I'll never have another one with all the same awesome attributes, but when I'm ready, I can be open to discovering the wonder of another being...

Sunshine and Whiskey

I am finally feeling back to 100%, so yesterday I decided to celebrate my good health and the mild weather by going for a run. Instead of going on any of my regular routes, I went in a different direction and ended up with a 4 mile loop that included some snow-covered park trails. It felt awesome.

I also decided to listen to something other than the usual stations I listen to on Slacker. Instead I decided to listen to the top 50 songs of 2014, some of which were country. As I've said before on this blog, country is pretty low on my list of musical genres, but I gotta admit, sometimes I find the lyrics really evocative.

This song, which I'd never heard before, is a great example:

You hit me like fire, shot me like a bullet.
Burned me up and down, no way to cool it.
But every time you kiss me it's like sunshine and whiskey.
It's like a bottle of Jack straight to the head.
One shot, two shot, copper tone red.
Every time you kiss me it's like sunshine and whiskey.

Hearing this song brought back memories of the last time a kiss felt like sunshine and whiskey: All the heat without the sunburn or the hangover. Mmmmmmm I miss that feeling!

But I didn't stop at looking backward. I let myself remember how sweet it was but then turned my attention on the present and the future, which includes my excitement about the next time I get to experience it:

You hit me like fire, shot me like a bullet.
Burned me up and down, no way to cool it.
But every time you kiss me it's like sunshine and whiskey.
It's like a bottle of Jack straight to the head.
One shot, two shot, copper tone red.
Every time you kiss me it's like sunshine and whiskey...

Why (The King of Love is Dead)

I love Martin Luther King Jr. I think he is the most phenomenal leader ever, and I use the present tense because he has continued to lead decades after his death. I love his thoughtful, passionate, measured, insistent approach to demanding justice. I strive to be like him in my own life as much as I can.

Most years on this day, I watch his I have a dream speech, but this year, I stumbled on the audio of a talk he gave in London in 1964 before being the youngest person to receive the Nobel Peace Prize.

There are a lot of great nuggets in the nearly hourlong speech, but here are a few of my favorites (possibly slightly paraphrased):

1) When Jesus said love your enemies -- I'm grateful he didn't say like your enemies. It's very difficult to like your enemies but loving them is possible and more powerful.

2) Love the person doing the evil deed and hate the deed.

3) If a man hasn't discovered something he would die for, he isn't fit to live.

4) And quoting a preacher: "We ain't what we want to be, we ain't what we outta be, we ain't what we gonna be, but thank God, we ain't what we was."

Amen Martin. And thank you, once again, for inspiring me to take action for justice.

On one of the commercial breaks from the address, they played this Nina Simone song, written after he was shot:

What's gonna happen now, in all of our cities?
My people are rising, they're living in lies
Even if they have to die, even if they have to die
At the moment they know what life is

Even at that one moment that ya know what life is
If you have to die, it's all right
'Cause you know what life is
You know what freedom is for one moment of your life

But he had seen the mountaintop and he knew he could not stop
Always living with the threat of death ahead
Folks you'd better stop and think, everybody knows we're on the brink
What will happen now, that the King is dead?

We can all shed tears, it won't change a thing
Teach your people, will they ever learn?
Must you always kill with burn and burn with guns
And kill with guns and burn, don't you know how we gotta react?

But he had seen the mountaintop and he knew he could not stop
Always living with the threat of death ahead
Folks you'd better stop and think, everybody knows we're on the brink
What will happen, now that the King of Love is dead?

What has happened, and what will continue to happen, is that people will continue to work for the ideals for which Martin Luther King Jr. fought. I, for one, need to step up my game...

To Be Alone

Yesterday was just plain hard. I have the sense that I have to keep pushing through this discomfort -- showing up to it -- instead of covering it up again. But it sucks. Before I went to sleep last night I just yelled F*#% as loud as I could, which was pretty damn loud, given that I was alone in the house and it's winter so my windows and my neighbors windows are all closed. In fact I yelled it a few times. It just really seemed to perfectly express what I was feeling.

Once again, I woke up to an early morning, internal alarm in the form of the chorus to Take Me to Church playing in my head. And again I felt confusion about the message. So I employed the same frustration routine I'd done just before going to sleep last night, and that helped a little.

I also tried just being as gentle and loving toward myself as I possibly could. And that helped a little bit too, as did dragging my ass out of bed to go to practice this morning.

When I got home, it occurred to me that maybe the message isn't literal - - that it's time for me to go to church -- maybe it's an invitation to find out more about the artist. So I did some poking around, and I found another Hozier song that seems to express what I'm feeling right now:

Never feel too good in crowds,
With folks around, when they're playing
The anthems of rape culture loud,
Crude and proud creatures baying
All I've ever done is hide
From our times when you're near me
Honey, when you kill the lights, and kiss my eyes
I feel like a person for a moment of my life

But you don't know what hell you put me through
To have someone kiss the skin that crawls from you
To feel your weight in arms I'd never use
It's the God that heroin prays to

It feels good, girl, it feels good
It feels good, girl, it feels good
It feels good, girl, it feels good
Oh to be alone with you

There are questions I can't ask
Now at last the worst is over
See the way you hold yourself
Reel against your body's borders
I know that you hate this place
Not a trace of me would argue
Honey, we should run away, oh someday
Our baby and her momma
And the damaged love she makes

But I don't know what else that I would do
Than try to kiss the skin that crawls from you
Than feel your weight in arms I'd never use
It's the God that heroin prays to

It feels good, girl, it feels good
It feels good, girl, it feels good
It feels good, girl, it feels good
Oh to be alone with you

And for now, for better and for worse, I get to be alone with me, and try to do what may be the very hardest thing to do: kiss the skin that crawls from me. It's soooo much easier, for me at least, to attend to those outside of me...

Take Me To Church

This song came to me in the wee hours. It was the chorus I heard -- I actually thought it was Elton John when I heard it this morning, but when I got up I realized it was decidedly NOT Elton John:

My lover's got humour
She's the giggle at a funeral
Knows everybody's disapproval
I should've worshipped her sooner

If the heavens ever did speak
She's the last true mouthpiece
Every Sunday's getting more bleak
A fresh poison each week

'We were born sick, ' you heard them say it

My Church offers no absolutes
She tells me, 'Worship in the bedroom.'
The only heaven I'll be sent to
Is when I'm alone with you—

I was born sick,
But I love it
Command me to be well
Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen.

I love the way he sings amen. Here comes the Elton John like part:

Take me to church
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife
Offer me that deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life

If I'm a pagan of the good times
My lover's the sunlight
To keep the Goddess on my side
She demands a sacrifice

Drain the whole sea
Get something shiny
Something meaty for the main course
That's a fine looking high horse
What you got in the stable?
We've a lot of starving faithful

That looks tasty
That looks plenty
This is hungry work

Take me to church
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I'll tell you my sins so you can sharpen your knife
Offer me my deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life

No Masters or Kings
When the Ritual begins
There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin

In the madness and soil of that sad earthly scene
Only then I am Human
Only then I am Clean
Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen.

A lot of times I know what the message is when I wake up with a song in my head. Or at least, I figure out when I read the lyrics. This time, I'm really not sure. Did I worship like a dog at the shrine of someone's lies? Maybe. Kinda. Sorta? Or is it suggesting I turn control of my life over to the God of my understanding? I dunno.

Take me to church
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife
Offer me that deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life

I do know that today I didn't feel nearly as upbeat as I did yesterday and the day before that, but when I was talking to my friend tonight I told her that I have faith that I am going to get through this grieving process. I'm gonna come out the other side. I have no doubt about this now. And that's something, even if it was hard to drag my ass out of the house to go to a party tonight. Fake it 'til you make it. That's what I have to keep doing, and having faith that eventually it's going to lead somewhere good helps even on the rough days...

Something's Happening

I stumbled on this song yesterday when I was looking for the lyrics to yesterday's song, and found that this one fit my general state of mind too. It really does feel like something's happening. Last night I had a hard time falling asleep because I was buzzing with excitement of no particular origin:

Who said it's my year was it you there? Can't go wrong
I see a new way you'll be in my play, sing my song
Where is the reason I keep teasing, if I knew?
To see the new year not being blue here, evermore

You know it's alright something's happened
Hold tight it might be lightning
Turn up the lights somethin's moving
Can't sleep at night my heart keeps missing a beat

Well, I know it's my year ain't got no fear, hold me down
Take it easy if not for me, sing my song, yeah
Where is the reason I keep teasing, if I knew?
To see the new year not being blue here, evermore

You know it's alright something's happened
Hold tight it might be lightning
Turn up the lights I feel like dancing
Can't sleep at night my heart keeps missing a beat

Ooh baby, don't ever let it bring you down
Ooh baby, that's not the way I want it to sound
Ooh baby, don't ever let it bring you down
Ooh baby, I'll pick you up on the ground

It's hard to explain, but it feels like a switch has been flipped. A few weeks or months ago -- I'm not really sure how long ago it was -- a friend tried to reassure me in my grief about the New Englander by saying: "In the end it will be okay. If it's not okay, it's not the end." Of course, my sweet, hopeful self did NOT feel ok and took that as evidence that things couldn't possibly be over with him.

Just last week, I almost texted my friend again, saying it still didn't feel ok, and I didn't get it, because it sure seems like the end. Something stopped me from sending the text.

Somehow this week, I am starting to feel like it might just be ok. Even if it's the end. It's weird. I still don't like it. I still feel sad at times. I still miss him. But I also feel generally like things may just be exactly as they need to be right now, and as much as people told me that over the last number of months/years, there is a HUGE difference between hearing it and feeling it.

I'm super grateful for this shift. I know it may not be a once and done proposition, but even visiting this hopeful, expectant space counts for a lot!

For What It's Worth

Yesterday at work I went to a seminar on Human Trafficking. Wow. It is super upsetting what is happening in our country, state, and city. The average age that girls are taken into the sex trade is 13. Check out this website for more information about its presence in Milwaukee. Visit this website to sign the pledge to stop the demand for human trafficking in Wisconsin. I just did.

And of course, sing along with me and Buffalo Springfield:

There's something happening here
But what it is ain't exactly clear
There's a man with a gun over there
Telling me I got to beware

I think it's time we stop
Children, what's that sound?
Everybody look - what's going down?

There's battle lines being drawn
Nobody's right if everybody's wrong
Young people speaking' their minds
Getting so much resistance from behind

It's time we stop
Hey, what's that sound?
Everybody look - what's going down?

What a field day for the heat
A thousand people in the street
Singing songs and carrying signs
Mostly saying, "hooray for our side"

It's time we stop
Hey, what's that sound?
Everybody look - what's going down?

Paranoia strikes deep
Into your life it will creep
It starts when you're always afraid
Step out of line, the men come and take you away

We better stop
Hey, what's that sound?
Everybody look - what's going down?

I agree. It is time to stop, examine what is going on, and do something about it. How does a girl come back from being trafficked for sex from age 13 on? With a whole lot of help from services that are not readily available and a system that still, at least in part, wants to blame her for something that was entirely out of her control.

And it's not just girls. And it's not just in big cities. All 72 counties in Wisconsin have documented cases:

We better stop
Hey, what's that sound?
Everybody look - what's going down?

It's not pretty. But we can't pretend it isn't happening. We have to do something about it!

Waiting in Vain

I decided to take my friends' advice and get back out there via the wacky world of internet dating. So far I've encountered a handful of people -- all of whom happen to be in their 30s -- who feel like they'd be worth my while to meet:

1) A powder-chasing mountain lover who thinks a ski trip up to the UP would be a great date;
2) An artist who resembles Jonah Hill and sounds like a fun and interesting person; and
3) A funny, divorced father-of-two who declares in his profile that he'll never love anyone the way he loves his ex wife.

Now one could argue that all three of these dudes could have red flags -- the first one might be painfully similar to the New Englander, the second is not the kind of guy I'm typically attracted to, and the third -- well, what's the point of dating someone who declares he'll never get over his ex wife?

Part of me agrees with each of those assessments, but with the first one, it seems like it's worth it to take the chance since he just might have many of the fabulous qualities of the East Coast Adventurer I last gave my heart to without some of the more complicated ones.

With the second, I've also gotten the advice to go out with people that I might not normally go out with -- I think this is a gentle way of saying my picker is broken but I know it's meant as a kindness.

And with the third, I have to admire his honesty, and since I am also a straight shooter -- I gave him honesty right back, telling him:

"Although I still can't fathom loving anyone else the way I loved my last boyfriend, I refuse to believe that we live in a world where we have to live without the loves with whom we are meant to spend our lives. Ergo, either my ex is going to realize he made a huge mistake and move back to Wisconsin and put a ring on my finger, OR I'm going to fall in love again, just as hugely, with someone else. But it's got to be one of those."

Now there could be other scenarios, but I believe from the deepest part of me that they all involve me having a lover who is fully capable of speaking my love languages (physical touch and quality time) and being my partner. So what's the point of going out with someone who doesn't believe that? I can guess that there's probably only really a point if, upon meeting, it feels like we could have a real friendship. In other words, having drinks with him will be the opposite of a regular date -- it I'm attracted to him, I'm not going to want to see him again. I've had enough of putting myself out there for someone who is not fully out there himself for this lifetime, thank you very much. But if I'm not, and if we're able to talk about love and loss and life and parenting and divorce and help one another muddle through these respective losses, well, then, that might just be worth something.

What I do not want, as I made clear to this pseudo-suitor, is what Bob Marley didn't want:

I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
'Cause if summer is here,
I'm still waiting there;
Winter is here,
And I'm still waiting there.

I'm tired of waiting there. The New Englander explicitly told me he didn't want me to wait in vain. I'm trying not to -- putting myself out there again. So you can be damn sure I'm not going to let myself end up in another situation where I want something that the man I want it from doesn't have to give:

It's been three years since I'm knockin' on your door,
And I still can knock some more:
Ooh girl, ooh girl, is it feasible?
I wanna know now, for I to knock some more.
Ya see, in life I know there's lots of grief,
But your love is my relief:
Tears in my eyes burn - tears in my eyes burn
While I'm waiting - while I'm waiting for my turn,
See!

I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love, oh!

Nope, I don't wanna wait in vain for anybody's love.

Because I can tell you that it is not a good feeling to come to the conclusion about someone you love that the prophet comes to at the end of this song:

It's me love that you're running from...

Not a good feeling at all.

If It Be Your Will

As I was driving home from my son's indoor soccer game tonight, Judith Orloff was talking (from her book on my CD player) about surrendering to pain and letting the tears come as a release valve. She talked about how much she encourages her patients to cry, how healthy and necessary it is, and what opens the floodgates in her own life when she needs a good cry.

This song from Leonard Cohen was at the top of her list:

If it be your will
That I speak no more
And my voice be still
As it was before
I will speak no more
I shall abide until
I am spoken for
If it be your will
If it be your will
That a voice be true
From this broken hill
I will sing to you
From this broken hill
All your praises they shall ring
If it be your will
To let me sing
From this broken hill
All your praises they shall ring
If it be your will
To let me sing

If it be your will
If there is a choice
Let the rivers fill
Let the hills rejoice
Let your mercy spill
On all these burning hearts in hell
If it be your will
To make us well

And draw us near
And bind us tight
All your children here
In their rags of light
In our rags of light
All dressed to kill
And end this night
If it be your will

If it be your will.

Like Judith, I'm a huge fan of both tears and the poet Leonard Cohen. I find this song really calming, settling, in a "we're not in charge" kind of way. 

I know that if I were in charge, things would be different than they are right now, but I'm really trying to trust the process and believe that this grief will open the door to something better.

I saw this quote on FB tonight on the same subject:

“When sorrow comes, let us accept it simply, as a part of life. Let the heart be open to pain; let it be stretched by it. All the evidence we have says that this is the better way. An open heart never grows bitter. Or if it does, it cannot remain so. In the desolate hour, there is an outcry; a clenching of the hands upon emptiness; a burning pain of bereavement; a weary ache of loss. But anguish, like ecstasy, is not forever. There comes a gentleness, a returning quietness, a restoring stillness. This, too, is a door to life. Here, also is the deepening of meaning – and it can lead to dedication; a going forward to the triumph of the soul, the conquering of the wilderness. And in the process will come a deepening inward knowledge that in the final reckoning, all is well.”
~A. Powell Davies

I can't say that all is well at the moment, but I guess that just means I haven't gotten to that point yet, because I have no doubt that my heart has been stretched by this loss. And considering how much it has stretched from the love I share with the New Englander, I have to believe that I am going to get to use it to both do good in the world and love and be loved fully...

Love and Compassion

I may have pushed it too hard yesterday -- even though I took a nap after skiing -- because I woke up once again feeling not much like my usual strong self.

I managed to get my kids off to school and then I went to practice. I only had a half an hour because I managed to snag an 8:30am appointment with my acupuncturist which I prioritized because I had the feeling that Chinese medicine could help me move through this illness.

My appointment was helpful, but at the end of it, it was clear that what I needed to do most was to go home and rest again. So I did. Another 4 hour nap. Whatever's got a hold of me, it's a powerful downward force.

As I always do, I am trying to address the emotional aspect of what is dragging me down, and it seems to be twofold. One part is that although I've taken some steps toward publishing a website and starting my own consulting business, I'm finding the process scary and difficult. The other part is that I still have so much sadness around the loss of my love.

For weeks, if not months, I've been thinking about doing the gratitude meditation (a led meditation by Jack Kornfield) to deal with this loss. I've used it previously to deal with a loss, but that loss was not on the same scale as this one. I think the reason I haven't done it until now is that it is so hard for me to want good things for him when I am feeling so sad about his choice not to be with me. The reason I ended up doing it tonight was that I started with the Buddha transforms difficulties (another led meditation by Jack Kornfield that I've written about before), and the message from that one was pretty clear: that the key to healing this wound is to find compassion for him. The other piece that I got from it -- the message -- was: "love yourself as only you can." This is the same advice I get from the teacher of the trauma recovery group, and I am doing my best. I really am. Message received on that front.

I was just trying to process the message about compassion when iTunes began to play the gratitude meditation. I left it on, bracing myself for what I knew would be a difficult few minutes. Through tears, I managed to say the words -- wishing good things for him -- if not necessarily fully feeling myself believing them. I have to trust that this is a process and that each step is going to lead me closer to freedom from the pain that it feels like I've been dealing with for such a long time.

What does the inner jukebox have to say about this? This song is old, it's random, but it fits:

I used to think love was a dying art
Compassion couldn't live within a crowded heart
I saw my freedom in a poor man's eyes
Hope like a light, will to survive
A sense of dignity to hold up high
These are the simple things
That keep us all alive
And though the rich buy power for a time
One thing that money can't buy

Love and compassion
(only) Love and compassion
Give it to you
Give it to me
Love and compassion
(only) Love and compassion
That's what it takes
(give love... You're gonna feel love...
Ooo... Feel love... You're gonna give love)

One night when I was feelin' all alone
I saw a shadow walking in the danger zone
I knew that I would have to make a choice
Hunger in my heart, hunger in my spirit
We won't be free until we equalize
The price of power to the price of every life
And though I know it's gonna take some time
Someday we're all gonna find

Love and compassion
(onlv) Love and compassion
Give it to you
Give it to me
Love and compassion
(only) Love and compassion
That's what it takes to relate

Love and compassion
(only) Love and compassion
Give it to you
Give it to me
(oniy) Love und compassion
That's what it takes
(give love... Ooo feel love... You're gonna
Feel love... If you give love)

Yep. I'm gonna feel love, if I give love. So I'm gonna give love, to myself, and to the man who once called himself my man but has long since chosen another path...

You And I

My own little powder lover on a groomer

In the category of making every effort to enjoy the life I have rather than lamenting the dream I had to give up, I took my daughter downhill skiing today and enjoyed every minute of it.

I'm not gonna lie, I thought of the New Englander so many times -- especially when she would seek out powder -- "Don't wreck that line, Mom, I'm heading for that one!" He would've been proud. I was proud.

She really is good company, especially when it is just the two of us. On the way home, we heard this song on the radio:

Just you and I-I-I
Sharing our love together
And I know in ti-i-ime
We'll build the dreams we treasure
And we'll be alright
Just you and I-I-I

Of course I know this song is meant to be about lovers. But it kinda works, for today, as a song for my daughter and I:

Just you and I-I-I (just you and I-I)
Sharing our love together
And I know in ti-i-ime (and I know in ti-ime)
We'll build the dreams we treasure
And we'll be alright
Just you and I-I-I

And I remember our first embrace
That smile that was on your fa-ace
The promises that we made, ooh-ooh-ooh
And now your love is my reward
And I love you even more-ore
Than I ever did before-ore

Ok, so she didn't smile during our first embrace, but I do love her more-ore than I ever did before-ore. I've always loved her, but it's getting easier all the time. And for that, as well as the fact that we didn't crash going over any ski jumps today, I am grateful:

We made it, you and I

I Can't Go For That (No Can Do)

Part of our very own Modern Family

My kids and I were cracking up today at an episode of Modern Family that made brilliant use of this song:

Easy, ready, willing, overtime
Where does it stop
Where do you dare me
To draw the line
You've got the body
Now you want my soul
Don't even think about it
Say, no go
I, I-I, I 'll do anything
That you want me to do
Yeah, I, I-I, I'll do almost anything
That you want me too, ooh
Yeah

But I can't go for that, nooo
(No)
No can do
I can't go for that, nooo
(No)
No can do
I can't go for that, nooo
(No)
No can do
I can't go for that
Can't go for that
Can't go for that
Can't go for that

I can go for being twice as nice
I can go for just repeating
The same old lines
Use the body
Now you want my soul
Ooh, forget about it
Now say, no go

I, I-I, I 'll do anything
That you want me to do
Yeah, I, I-I, I'll do almost anything
That you want me too, ooh
Yeah

But I can't go for that, nooo
(No)
No can do
I can't go for that, nooo
(No)
No can do
I can't go for that, nooo
(No)
No can do
I can't go for that
Can't go for that
Can't go for that
Can't go for that, yeah

What a fun song. And although I still spent a fair amount of the day today in bed, I did get up this morning, take a shower for the first time in 4 days, and make waffles for our friends who came over for a belated Christmas celebration.

This was the first time my kids had seen our baby friend (pictured above) crawl, and they were so excited to see all of her new tricks. We are all so grateful to have such nice friends with such a nice baby to brighten our lives!

Never Enough

Ok, so now this convalescence is getting old. I keep thinking I must be getting better, only to find myself without energy again and back in bed.

It feels like I have something to learn here, so I'm trying to figure out what that is. Although I haven't been in contact with The New Englander, I have been having some loving feelings about him that I pretty much inevitably wind up spinning into fantasies about us getting back together.

Last night before I went to sleep I asked my guides what they wanted me to know about my relationship with the man in question. The answer came, in dream form, crystal clear: I went out to visit him, and when I got there, he wasn't there. I looked around his apartment for a while and eventually he came back. I was on some sort of extended trip -- headed somewhere else after Maine. He and I were talking about this, and then he asked if he could stay at my house while I was away because he was going to be in the Midwest the following week. I woke up incredulous: I didn't rate at all. Not when I went out there, and not as a reason for him to come here. WOW.

So now that it's so very clear that the relationship holds nothing for me -- and I'm sure it was clear to many gentle readers a long time ago -- I think my job is to stop taking feelings about love and comfort and family and home and passion and partnership and projecting it onto the New Englander. Nobody's home there. Time to stop knocking. Even in my fantasies.

For some reason, maybe because no matter what I said, did or dreamt, it was never enough -- this is the song selected by my inner jukebox to mark this day:

However much I push it down
It's never enough
However much I push it around
It's never enough
However much I make it out
It's never enough
It s Never enough
However much I do

However big I ever feel
It's never enough
Whatever I do to make it real
It's never enough
In any way I try to speak
It's never enough
Never enough
However much I try to speak
It's never enough

However much I'm falling down
It's never enough
However much I'm falling out
It's never enough
Whatever smile I smile the most
It's never enough
Never enough
However I smile
I smile the most

So let me hold it up
Just one more go
Holding it up for just once more
One more time to fill it up
One more time to kill
But whatever I do
It's never enough
It's never enough

It's never enough

Nope, it never was...

Without You

I love me some Air Supply, and this song, which came to me this morning while bedridden with a nasty virus, is no exception:

No I can't forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that's just the way the story goes
You always smile but in your eyes
Your sorrow shows, yes it shows

No I can't forget tomorrow
When I think of all my sorrows
When I had you there but then I let you go
And now it's only fair that I should let you know
What you should know

I can't live, if living is without you
I can't give, I can't give anymore
I can't live, if living is without you
I can't give, I can't give anymore

I woke up with this sore throat on Wednesday morning. I tried to muscle through it -- went to practice, took my car in as planned, went to work -- but I got worse as the day progressed. This morning I woke up with the same maladies.

In addition to my physical symptoms, I feel stuck. I'm so tired of grief mode, and yet I can't ever seem to climb all the way out. It's frustrating, and I'm sick of it. In my experience when I feel sick of something, I am more likely to succumb to germs that are out in the world. I rarely get sick because I do a pretty darn good job of taking care of myself, but I'm sick now, physically and psychically.

At least there's Air Supply to keep me company, if not necessarily to uplift me:

No I can't forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that's just the way the story goes
You always smile but in your eyes
Your sorrow shows, yes it shows

I can't live, if living is without you
I can't give, I can't give anymore
I can't live, if living is without you
I can't give, I can't give anymore

I can't live, if living is without you
I can't give, I can't give anymore

Water, Fire and Smoke

Tonight in my group another person shared their story. It was incredible to bear witness, and to mark this day I'm sharing the beautiful song that the group leader uses in preparation for each person to tell her story:

It's been a long journey to come to this place
I've traveled in time and I've traveled in space
And I've traveled in circles til I've come face to face
With the water, fire, and smoke

I've pondered and worried, I've tightened the rope
I've feasted on sorrow and starved out my hope
now I come like a lover, my heart in my throat
Give me water, fire, and smoke

Water for cleansing my eyes and my ears
Fire the transformer of sorrows and fears
Smoke for the ancestors drawing them near
With the water, fire, and smoke

So run from the churchyard, the word and the cross
Run to the forest to the rivers and the rocks
You will find a green altar deep in the moss
You'll find water, fire and smoke
Water, fire and smoke

Ancient the wisdom of rocks, trees, and wind
Ancient the rites of the green sacrament
Long before judgement, atonement and sin
There was water, fire and smoke

I lay down my burden, the weight of my years
Gods I have worshipped and causes held dear
And who will I be when they all disappear
Into water, fire, and smoke

I've knelt in the ashes, in peace may I rise
Empty of knowing and full of surprise
Clothed all in silence a baby baptised
Into water, fire and smoke

So run from the churchyard, the word and the cross
Run to the forest to the rivers and the rocks
You will find a green altar deep in the moss
You'll find water, fire and smoke
Water, fire and smoke
Water, fire and smoke

Unanswered Prayers

Yesterday on the way home I was listening to Judith Orloff's book, Emotional Freedom, and she was talking about how to deal with the disappointment when you don't get something you want. She talked about a concept I'm familiar with but hadn't really allowed myself to apply to my situation with the New Englander, until now.

I could explain the concept, or I could let Garth Brooks explain it:

Just the other night at a hometown football game
My wife and I ran into my old high school flame
And as I introduced them the past came back to me
And I couldn't help but think of the way things used to be

She was the one that I'd wanted for all times
And each night I'd spend prayin' that God would make her mine
And if he'd only grant me this wish I wished back then
I'd never ask for anything again

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers

Just in case you didn't get it (although if you watch the video you'll see thousands of people singing along who know exactly what he's talking about), the concept is that sometimes things happen for a reason that at the time, we cannot understand, but that doesn't mean it isn't in our best interest.

As I made my way to work this morning on my bike -- that's right, it was -18 on my iphone when I left -- I tried not to cry too many tears lest my goggles freeze to my face -- I sang along with Garth:

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because he may not answer doesn't mean he don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered

Some of God's greatest gifts are all too often unanswered...
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers

We'll see about that. But for now, I'm making room for the possibility that this is one of those gifts...

Both Sides Now

 Sun setting at not-quite-snow-covered golf course

I felt much better today, probably due in no small part to the fact that I started the day with my yoga practice. I'm finding that now that I've settled into a six days per week practice routine, the most challenging thing about it is the day that I don't practice. I just don't quite feel sorted. I think it's healthy to take a day off, but it's often uncomfortable, and yesterday was no exception.

I had a super productive day today -- grocery shopping, baking, cooking, shoveling, cross country skiing, going to Alanon -- and it felt really good.

I think part of the reason for my funk yesterday was feelings stirred up from seeing my family, and Alanon is helpful with that.

But maybe the most useful thing I got from the meeting was this saying:

Part of growing is letting illusions die.

That really hit me like a ton of bricks. That's exactly what I need to do, I thought, and exactly what I have been doing -- allowing the illusion to die that I'm going to get to marry the New Englander and live happily ever after. It's an illusion, and it's time for it to die.

Here's a song about letting love's illusions die:

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

I know how you feel, Joni. Sometimes I don't either. But I'm learning, and as evidenced by my shadow in the photo above, I'm standing a little taller, looming a little larger, every single day...

Dream Weaver

Today I felt rough. Off. Funky. I wasn't sure what to do with the yucky energy and then my friend texted to see if I wanted to go running. I didn't really want to go, but I knew that it would be a good idea. I'd had a rough night of sleep, including a dream about a death of some sort. It lacked detail, but the force of it was unmistakable.

Just a few steps into the run, I started to say how I was doing and immediately started to cry. I was feeling so hurt and let down by the fact that my kids and I had sent a Christmas box to the New Englander that we'd caringly assembled and he hadn't even bothered to say thank you. I just couldn't wrap my brain or my heart around it. Two weeks had passed since the package was supposed to arrive and I just couldn't stand it anymore. I woke up in the middle of the night, walked into the kitchen where I keep my phone at night, and sent him a text asking if he received it. By morning he'd sent one back saying yes, thank you. There were so many things I wanted to reply, but I stopped myself. It's no use. You can't force a person to be considerate. You can, however, give a person who consistently demonstrates a lack of consideration less of your consideration, and when I saw that text, that's what I resolved to do.

When I started to cry while we were running, my friend stopped me from running, hugged me and said "You deserve better."

And I noticed a change in the way that I responded to that phrase or idea. People have been saying that for the last few years at various points in my relationship with the New Englander, and I've consistently, vehemently objected. Knowing his worth, and feeling like I had to fight for it, I'd defend him. I honestly believed there was no such thing as better than him.

I still do believe that, on one level.  But now I can also make room for my friend's truth and the truth of all my other friends who said that before her: I deserve better from the person with whom I give and receive love. I deserve better behavior, better actions, better consideration. And I could feel that that truth doesn't need to take away from what an amazing man he is in so many ways, but it does suggest that I need to be in a relationship -- actively giving my love -- to someone who is capable of actively giving it back.

It seems that the trick is for me to learn to let the love be there without needing to believe he'll somehow morph into someone both capable of and thrilled to be in a relationship with me.

With this realization, it seems like I am getting there. For weeks I've asked my dreams for insights into the New Englander's departure and continued absence, and for a long time, I got nothing.

Then when I was up north, they started to come. I dreamt about him on three separate occasions, and each time, the dreams were about him and what he is doing or may someday do with his life. They weren't about us, with the exception of one when where he was calling me at the same time as someone named Joe and I was deciding which call to pick up.

I think the reason that my dreams started to shift was that my mindset (or maybe heartset) has also shifted about him. I realized that it didn't really work to be angry and push the love away -- the love we share has been so life affirming for both of us. So I began to make space for the possibility that I can let the love be there without needing to have any tangible contact with him, and that's when the dreams started to come.

That's right, as the song goes:

I have just closed my eyes again
Climbed aboard the Dream Weaver train
Driver take away my worries of today
And leave tomorrow behind

Dream Weaver, I believe you can get me through the night
Dream Weaver, I believe we can reach the morning light

Fly me high through the starry skies
Or maybe to an astral plane
Cross the highways of fantasy
Help me to forget today's pain

Dream Weaver, I believe you can get me through the night
Dream Weaver, I believe we can reach the morning light

I love to sleep. I love to dream. I love myself. I love my dream of having a real union that I enter with my heart, soul, mind and body, met by a partner who does the same. I believe in this dream.

But it's not here yet. And that's ok.

I took myself to another movie today. Interstellar. One long ass movie, but worth the investment of time. One that stays in your head long afterward. The kind that I used to like to discuss with my two favorite movie buddies, both of whom moved to the East Coast, and the kind that I will one day soon discuss with a new movie buddy.

Until then, I'm fully capable of taking in movies alone, and afterward, there's always sleep, and dreams:

Though the dawn may be coming soon
There still may be some time
Fly me away to the bright side of the moon
And meet me on the other side

Dream Weaver, I believe you can get me through the night
Dream Weaver, I believe we can reach the morning light...

El Condor Pasa

When I was at the gym today to teach yoga, I remembered that every year the owner leaves $20 in all the employees' mailboxes to say thank you and Merry Christmas. It's not a lot of money, but I didn't have any plans, so I decided to see if I could take myself to dinner and a movie on it.

This past year, or maybe the year before, I read the book Wild and loved it, so I've been excited to see the movie.

It did not disappoint. In fact, it was positively cathartic for where I am in my life right now, which is at a place of acceptance about being apart from the man with whom I thought for sure I'd spend the rest of my life. The movie helped remind me that this actually happens a lot -- including to the author, who gets divorced from her first husband even though they love each other deeply. It happens, I am now telling myself. It's not just you. You don't have to take this personally. You can just accept that sometimes you get to choose and sometimes you don't.

This song, from the movie's phenomenal soundtrack, is a great reminder of that too:

I'd rather be a sparrow than a snail
Yes I would
If I could, I surely would
Hmm mmm

I'd rather be a hammer than a nail
Yes I would
If I only could, I surely would
Hmm mmm

Away, I'd rather sail away
Like a swan that's here and gone
A man gets tied up to the ground
He gives the world its saddest sound, its saddest sound
Hmm mmm

I'd rather be a forest than a street
Yes I would
If I could, I surely would

I'd rather feel the earth beneath my feet
Yes I would
If I only could, I surely would

For today, I can still feel the earth beneath my feet. It's chilly at the moment, but I can feel it. And that connection is all I need to keep healing.

And I'd be remiss if I didn't report that I also managed to buy myself dinner with the rest of my cash: Chile Verde from Pasqual's, one of my faves...

Anticipation

Selfie in a snow-covered birch tree

Heard this Carly Simon number on the long drive back to Madison, and it felt somehow apt for starting the new year:

We can never know about the days to come
But we think about them anyway
And I wonder if I'm really with you now
Or just chasing after some finer day

Anticipation, Anticipation
Is making me late
Is keeping me waiting

I've spent a lot of time in my life anticipating something or someone, and although a little anticipation is healthy, to focus on what might happen rather than what is happening is mostly a recipe for not getting to fully enjoy the life that's right in front of me:

Anticipation, Anticipation
Is making me late
Is keeping me waiting

Yes it is, Carly. And I resolve to do less anticipating and more being in 2015...