'Til It Happens To You

I decided pretty spur of the moment to go visit my friends in Milwaukee last night, and I was extra glad I did when I realized that the Oscars were on. I haven't seen them in a few years -- not having a TV means I'm not as aware of when these things are on and don't have a good way to watch it.

I didn't see as many movies last year as I usually do or would've liked -- hopefully some new movie dates will come into my life in 2016 -- and in a lot of ways I would have been fine with giving the Oscars a miss again this year.

But then Joe Biden took the stage to talk about the prevalence of sexual assault on college campuses, and introduced Lady Gaga who gave what might have been the most powerful performance I've ever seen of 'Til it happens to you:

You tell me "it gets better, it gets better,
in time"
You say I'll pull myself together, pull it together,
"You'll be fine"
Tell me what the hell do you know,
What do you know,
Tell me how the hell could you know,
How! could you know

Till it happens to you, you don't know
How it feels,
How it feels.
Till it happens to you, you won't know
It won't be real
No It won't be real
Won't know how it feels

You tell me "hold your head up"
Hold your head up and be strong
Cause when you fall, you gotta get up
You gotta get up and move on."

Tell me, how the hell could you talk,
How could you talk?
Cause until you walk where I walk,
It's just all talk.

Till it happens to you, you don't know
How it feels,
How it feels.
Till it happens to you, you won't know
It won't be real (how could you know?)
No It won't be real (how could you know?)
Won't know how I feel

Till your world burns and crashes
Till you're at the end, the end of your rope
Till you're standing in my shoes, I don't wanna hear nothing from you
From you, from you, cause you don't know

Wow. Just Wow. I could tell by the way she sang it that she herself had been sexually assaulted, and indeed, she was, when she was 19 years old:

Till it happens to you, you don't know
How I feel
How I feel
How I feel
Till it happens to you, you won't know
It won't be real (how could you know?)
No It won't be real (how could you know?)
Won't know how It feels

My own assault happened when I was much younger, and one of the reasons I'm writing a memoir is so that people to whom this has happened will feel they have a voice, in the same way Lady Gaga gave the survivors she shared a stage with a voice:

Till it happens to you, happens to you,
Happens to you.
Happens to you, happens to you,
Happens to you ( how could you know?)

But it's also so that people who haven't been through it will know, or at least understand a little better, how it feels:

Till it happens to you, you won't know how I feel

Smoke Gets in Your Eyes

After my run yesterday I decided to take myself to the movies. I saw 45 years, which I would describe as a good but kind of tough movie about life and love. I had heard mixed things about it, but I felt that it brilliantly portrayed how hard it is to be ok with the person you love loving someone else even if they also love you, as well as how complicated it is that we all take with us the experiences from the people we've loved before and that can't help but shape what we bring into our subsequent relationships.

It seems interesting to me that the couple celebrating 45 years chose this as the song for their first dance when they were married:

They asked me how I knew
My true love was true
I of course replied
Something here inside
Cannot be denied

They, said some day you'll find
All who love are blind
When your heart's on fire
You must realize
Smoke gets in your eyes

So I chaffed them, and I gaily laughed
To think they would doubt our love
And yet today, my love has gone away
I am without my love

Now laughing friends deride
Tears I cannot hide
So I smile and say
When a lovely flame dies
Smoke gets in your eyes

Not a particularly happy number, is it?

It was, however, apropos when the couple was dancing at their anniversary party under the shadows of secrets they'd kept from each other all those years...

Nobody Does It Better

Love the first trip to picnic point of the "Spring"!

As I prepared for my run today, I decided to take my phone so I could listen to music. I've been either running without it or running with a friend lately, but when I turned on Slacker I got super excited when the song that was cued up was one of my all time faves, Total Eclipse of the Heart. I belted out the lyrics as I ran down the street - I'm sure the neighbors thought I'd lost it.

I just assumed I'd already blogged about that song, but it seems I haven't. Still, I'm going to save it for another time, because the song that came on after it made me realize that I was listening to some sort of love songs countdown, which maybe wasn't really the thing for the first 55 degree run to picnic point and back of the season, which, while muddy, was at least not ice-covered or inaccessible.

But as the love songs continued to play, one after the other, I decided to rewrite them, starting with this one from Carly Simon:

Nobody does it better
Makes me feel sad for the rest
Nobody does it half as good as you
Baby, you're the best

Someone must do it better, I reasoned, because I'm not with the person that did it twice as good as anyone else I've ever known, so that just has to mean that someone who does it even better is out there:

And nobody does it better
Though sometimes I wish someone could
Nobody does it quite the way you do
Why'd you have to be so good?

I gotta admit, the question that makes up the last line of that last verse is a question I've asked myself. After all, being with the New Englander absolutely ruined casual sex for me, which means it has been 19 months since I've had a shag.

But long dry spell notwithstanding, I know why he had to be so good: To teach me how good it can be.

And now that I know, and I'm ready to stop grieving and start living, I'll recognize the magic when I feel it again:

The way that you hold me whenever you hold me
There's some kind of magic inside you
That keeps me from runnin', but just keep it comin'
How'd you learn to do the things you do?

Except this time, it'll be with someone who wants to be my partner just as much as I want to be his. Someone who isn't afraid to be vulnerable. Someone who really, truly, is the best for me, not just what I thought at the time had to be right because it felt so damn good:

And nobody does it better
Makes me feel sad for the rest
Nobody does it half as good as you
Baby, baby, darling, you're the best

Sorry Carly, but I beg to differ -- someone must do it better -- and I can't wait to meet him!

Product of a Failed State

Thought for today: This is a beautiful life, filled with beautiful people.

I took the day off from practice today -- I was due, and plus it was my first chance to sleep in in 6 days. I rode my bike downtown to teach my yoga class -- freezing all the way there because I was supposed to go running after teaching and wanted to wear my running clothes. When I got there, I got a note from my running partner saying she couldn't run. Not a huge deal, but it would have been nice to have known that so I could've dressed for biking.

Went downstairs to teach my class to a bunch of regulars along with a couple of newbies. I love teaching yoga for so many reasons, but one of them is that whatever I'm dealing with in my life -- in this case lots of uncertainty about my next career step -- just sort of falls away.

Afterward I went into the sauna to heat up in preparation for the cold ride home, and I was joined by one of my students -- a 60 (that's a guess?) year old Liberian woman who has been regularly coming to my class with her daughter for the last few months.

My student asked about my job interview -- I had mentioned it in a previous class -- and I told her it went really well but I didn't get the job. She commiserated, and then proceeded to tell me that coming to yoga is one of the best decisions she ever made. She said it has changed her life, taking her from feeling as though she was crippled (her word -- but she doesn't have a lot of range of motion) to feeling as though she can move again. She said she wished that society put a greater value on the work that I do with my yoga students because it changes people's lives.

Wow. Talk about a conversation that fills one with both gratitude and perspective, something that this student comes by, as I have, through a traumatic experience. Hers was in her war-torn country, mine in the midst of an upper middle class upbringing in the Midwest.

I didn't know any Liberian musicians until I googled and found this one, and because the lyrics were not available on the internet, I only have one line to share with you:

I'm a product of a failed state

This student of mine, the product of a failed state, is such a shining example of the power of shared humanity to lift one another up. Human beings are good like that, and I'm proud to be one of them, new job or no new job...

Everything Will Be Alright

Ok so this song is kinda creepy, but its title and refrain are my mantra today:

Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright

And here's why: I didn't get the job. It's disappointing for a number of reasons -- I was excited about the possibilities, I was excited about returning to campus -- but I also have to believe that it wasn't the right job for me, otherwise I would have gotten it.

It still feels like there are many possibilities, when it comes to both career and lovelife, I just don't know what they are or what they look like. But you know what that means, days fans: I'm pregnant with possibility. Yup.

And although most of the lyrics to this song are too weird to speak to this, these two lines are an exception:

And baby doll, I meant it every time
You don't need to compromise

Thanks guys, I agree. I sure don't.

'Cause as you said:

Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Will be alright...

Unsteady

This little guy is just five weeks old!

Today I had the delicious pleasure of visiting a lovely friend who recently had a baby and getting to snuggle with him for an hour or so.

There's just something about a newborn that's so magical -- and when I heard this song in the car on the way home -- I realized it was apropos of the little helpless creatures:

Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady
Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady

I was only too happy to hold onto him, as are his mama and papa. And although I cried as I talked to my friend about the part of my life when I thought I was going to get a do-over and then didn't, I mostly just felt really happy for her that she got to have the child she wanted.

My friend articulated the kind of man she sees for me, and she painted a beautiful picture of what would will be a very full life with another amazing human being. She also pointed out that this work I am doing on myself would've been impossible in a relationship, and I know she's right.

I have to admit I've felt a little precarious myself this week, what with my big job interview:

Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady
Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady

But I've also felt held by so many wonderful friends, colleagues and family members who are actively supporting me, not to mention the larger force for good.

As I said in yesterday's post, there is still sadness for me about the New Englander when I hear/read lyrics like this:

But if you love me, don't let go
If you love me, don't let go

But I know that he did what he could and that what he could do wasn't all that I wanted or needed.

I also know that the man who is gonna love me and not let me go is out there, and before too long he will:

Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady
Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady

And until that time comes, I've got friendship, family and faith to do it:

Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady

The Search is Over

Lately I've been getting lucky on finding favorite oldies on the radio -- yesterday I heard Straight from the Heart by Bryan Adams about which I've already blogged -- hearing it now made me cry thinking about how straight from the heart I used to get it from the New Englander.

It may be that there will always be an element of sadness to that loss, but there is also a LOT more peace. I'm at the point where I really believe that we both did what we could and that just didn't add up to a long-term partnership.

Today in the car, it was this classic song that had me cranking it up and singing along:

How can I convince you
What you see is real
Who am I to blame you
For doubting what you feel

I was always reachin'
You were just a girl I knew
I took for granted
The friend I had in you

I was living for a dream
Loving for a moment
Taking on the world
That was just my style
Now I look into your eyes
I can see forever
The search is over
You were with me all the while

And in some ways, the search is over -- me feeling like I need to do something or say something or be something or have something or weigh something in order to find a man -- that search is most definitely over. I no longer feel like I need to look for it -- I can let it find me.

It helps, I reckon, that some questions of the heart have been answered, and I'm still here to tell about it:

Can we last forever
Will we fall apart
At times it's so confusing
The questions of the heart

No, we can't last forever, New Englander, and yes, we did fall apart. And that sucked, for a while, but it also ultimately led me to where I am now, feeling happier, freer and more grounded than I've ever felt in my life. I recognize now that although we really loved each other, neither of us was able to patiently wait or follow one another through changes:

You followed me through changes
And patiently you'd wait
'Till I came to my senses through
Some miracle of fate

I was living for a dream
Loving for a moment
Taking on the world
That was just my style
Now I look into your eyes
I can see forever
The search is over
You were with me all the while

And I know that, as it did for Survivor, my luck will eventually strike like lightning from the blue:

Now the miles stretch out behind me
Loves that I have lost
Broken hearts lie, victims of the game
Then good luck, it finally struck
Like lighting from the blue
Every highway's leading me back to you

But this time, the highway will not lead to a dead end. It'll lead to something more like this:

Now at last I hold you
Now all is said and done
The search has come full circle
Our destinies are one...

Lover Come Back

This morning on my way home from practice, I started listening to a radio show with Dallas Green about his songwriting and music career. It was really interesting. He said melodies are easy but lyrics are hard, and he feels pressure to have each song he writes be better than the last.

This song isn't about anything novel, but I think the lyrics are pretty solid:

Bound for trouble from the start
I've been walking through this old world in the dark
All along right by my side
There you were shining, my ray of light

I sing lover come back, lover come back to me
Won't you ever come back, ever come back to me
How could I have been so foolish to let you leave
Lover come back, lover come back to me

I'll never be as good as I'd like to be
Eternally restless refusing to believe
But I think that we missed our connection
I wanted to feel your affection
Until my final days

I hear you on those last few lines, Dallas, but who am I to say what should have happened, or what should happen going forward?

I used to feel this way:

I sing lover come back, lover come back to me
Won't you ever come back, ever come back to me
How could I have been so foolish to let you leave
Lover come back, lover come back to me

But these days, not so much. While it will always be a possibility for me that the New Englander will take charge of his well-being, heal, and return to me a whole man ready to jump in with both feet, I can see now that there's a lot better possibility that a whole, new man will find me and teach me what I need to learn in this next phase of my life...

Wind of Change

This morning when I woke up to get ready for practice, I realized that it was super warm (relatively speaking) and I didn't have my kids, so it was a perfect day to get out my bike for the am commute.

I was so happy pedaling myself downtown! I've driven more this winter than I have in the past five, and it's no good, so I'm SUPER excited that the temps are rising and biking is more feasible again.

Yep, it was really lovely out for my morning ride, but by the time I went out running with a friend, and especially by the time I headed home, it was crazy windy.

So on my bikeride this afternoon I was thinking about lots of things, among them:

1) It has been a long time since my quads have had a day where they really felt the burn, but today, with 12 miles of riding, 75 minute practice and a 5 mile run, they did;

2) I am REALLY excited about my upcoming job interview and I'm feeling so supported by my network of friends and colleagues, all of whom are pulling for me;

3) It is really difficult to ride into the wind but I am hoping that this wind is the one of which the Scorpions speak, the wind of change:

The world is closing in
Did you ever think
That we could be so close, like brothers
The future's in the air
I can feel it everywhere
Blowing with the wind of change

I can feel the future in the air too, my rocking German friends, I can feel it too:

Take me to the magic of the moment
On a glory night
Where the children of tomorrow dream away
in the wind of change

And I think it's going to be good for those children of tomorrow, at least, if I have anything to say about it:

The wind of change
Blows straight into the face of time
Like a stormwind that will ring the freedom bell...

As my friend Martin would say, let (that) freedom ring!

Sweet Surrender

Went to hot yoga today, and the teacher sang us this beauty in savasana:

It doesn't mean much
It doesn't mean anything at all
The life I've left behind me is a cold room

I've crossed the last line
From where I can't return
Where every step I took in faith betrayed me
And led me from my home

And sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give

Take me in, no question's asked
You strip away the ugliness that surrounds me
(Who are you?)
Are you an angel?

Am I already that gone?
I only hope that I won't disappoint you
When I'm down here on my knees
(Who are you?)

And sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give
(Who are you?)

And sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give

Super appropriate Valentine's song for me this year, because I really do feel like I have surrendered to my current circumstances -- single, with lots of non-romantic love in my life, and a still-in-process letting go of an old love:

Don't understand
The touch of your hand
I would be the one to fall
I miss the little things
I miss everything about you

It's quite an experience to love someone as much as I love(d) the New Englander and then not spend your life with him. It helped me move through so much old sadness, and it's propelling me forward in the writing of my memoir, which is really exciting, especially because that's helping me prepare for/create a love that is just as sweet but more sustainable...

Cheerleader

It's cold here, so my number one selection factor in choosing a place to yoga this morning was heat. My friend said she was going to a class at The Studio downtown, so I decided to join her. I adore the teacher, even a little more each time I take a class with him, and today's class was awesome.

At one point, the teacher was doing something he characteristically does where he gets all excited while helping someone and says their name in a super cute way, and this very annoying song popped into my head:

Oh I think that I found myself a cheerleader
She is always right there when I need her

Annoying, yes, but also apropos. And I don't even need to correct the pronoun. Because while that particular yoga teacher is indeed a great cheerleader, it's the fact that he helps me access my own inner cheerleader that is truly powerful:

Oh I think that I found myself a cheerleader
She is always right there when I need her...

Better Things

What could be better than this?

Ok so I am having a HUGELY hard time adjusting to being back in Wisconsin. HUGELY. I just feel angry. I want nothing to do with my house or my life. I want to go back to Mexico!

Alas, I can't. And because it feels so bad right now, I am just going to have to take The Kinks' word for it that there are better things coming for me right here in Wisco:

Here's wishing you the bluest sky,
And hoping something better comes tomorrow.
Hoping all the verses rhyme,
And the very best of choruses to
Follow all the doubt and sadness.
I know that better things are on the way.

Here's hoping all the days ahead
Won't be as bitter as the ones behind you.
Be an optimist instead,
And somehow happiness will find you.
Forget what happened yesterday,
I know that better things are on the way.

It's really good to see you rocking out
And having fun,
Living like you just begun.
Accept your life and what it brings.
I hope tomorrow you'll find better things.
I know tomorrow you'll find better things.

Here's wishing you the bluest sky,
And hoping something better comes tomorrow.
Hoping all the verses rhyme,
And the very best of choruses to
Follow all the drudge and sadness.
I know that better things are on the way.

I know you've got a lot of good things happening up ahead.
The past is gone it's all been said.
So here's to what the future brings,
I know tomorrow you'll find better things.
I know tomorrow you'll find better things.

I better!

Kick Out the Jams

See that hand holding a book? That's me reading in paradise!

I know I've been absent from this blog ever so long... in part it's because in the past month, when I've spent time writing on my computer, it has been on my book, and in part it has been because I was too busy reading by the pool in Mexico, as I was this past week.

Anyway, I'm back, and I'm marking this day with a song from one of the books I read on my trip, Just Kids. A friend recommended I read it a long time ago, but I just got around to it as part of my read-memoirs-while-I-write-my-memoir campaign.  What a phenomenal book! I absolutely loved it! It was a little hard not getting to share it with my ex gay boyfriend, who was the one who recommended it but who has since disappeared from my life, or my ex boyfriend, who would absolutely love it, but my own experience of reading it was delicious enough to get me through those tough feelings.

A lot of music is mentioned in the book, but I decided on this song because it was one of the ones the New Englander sent to me during our long distance year (which I've recently been writing about in my book), it's awesome, and Patti Smith's husband is in the band:

Kick out the jams motherfuckers !
Yeah! I, I, I, I, I'm gonna
I'm gonna kick 'em out ! Yeah !

Well I feel pretty good
And I guess that I could get crazy now baby
Cause we all got in tune
And when the dressing room got hazy now baby

I know how you want it child
Hot, quick and tight
The girls can't stand it
When you're doin' it right
Let me up on the stand
And let me kick out the jam
Yes, kick out the jams
I want to kick 'em out!

Yes I'm starting to sweat
You know my shirt's all wet
What a feeling
In the sound that abounds
And resounds and rebounds off the ceiling

You gotta have it baby
You can't do without
When you get that feeling
You gotta sock 'em out
Put that mike in my hand
And let me kick out the jam
Yes ! Kick out the jams

Ocean shot!

I want to kick 'em out

So you got to give it up
You know you can't get enough Miss Mackenzie
Cause it gets in your brain
It drives you insane
Leaping frenzy

The wailin' guitars girl
The crash of the drums
Make you want to keep-a-rockin'
Till the morning comes

Let me be who I am
And let me kick out the jams
Yes, kick out the jams
I done kicked em out!!!

Pretty awesome, eh? Just like the book, and my vacation...