Hunger Strike

Woke up this morning hearing this song on repeat on the internal ipod:

I don't mind stealing bread

From the mouths of decadence

But I can't feed on the powerless

When my cup's already overfilled,

But it's on the table

The fire is cooking

And they're farming babies

While slaves are working

Blood is on the table

And the mouths are choking

But I'm growing hungry

Love these guys voices together -- but I'm not exactly sure why they were in my head this morning. Maybe just because the growing chill in the air makes me worry more about those that go hungry and all the shopping makes me feel worse about my overfilled cup...

Dynamite

After thanksgiving, I had the distinct pleasure of spending some girls time with my daughter and my niece. They are pretty different kids -- one is into pink and one is into sports (as evidenced by which of my shoes they chose to wear around the house) -- but they bring out the best in each other. Their activities together are wide-ranging, from a project outside involving lots of sand and leaves to the hosting of an all-girls dance party, at which this song was a huge hit:

I throw my hands up in the air sometimes

Saying AYO!

Gotta let go!

I wanna celebrate and live my life

Saying AYO!

Baby, let's go!

I came to dance, dance, dance, dance

I hit the floor

'Cause that's my, plans, plans, plans, plans

I'm wearing all my favorite

Brands, brands, brands, brands

Give me space for both my hands, hands, hands, hands

Ye, ye

Cause it goes on and on and on

And it goes on and on and on

Yeah!

We hope it will go on and on and on -- we're planning to make this shoe-filled sleepover an annual tradition. Love that girls time!

Catch Me I'm Falling

Today I'm nursing the wounds from my mountain biking accident yesterday. It wasn't too serious -- I managed to get up and go to an early morning workout today -- but it kinda hurts, and it REALLY hurt when my kneecap hit the huge rock. The other couple of times I've ridden that trail, I've gotten off and walked "The Stinger" section, but with my boyfriend watching me this time, I decided to show off -- hence today's tune:

Are you ready boy?

Here I come, catch me I'm falling

Fall I did, and catch me, he did, and both were huge for both of us. I cried big, fat tears when I bounced off that rock and rolled down to the side of the path, clearing away some of the residual heaviness that seems to come over me whenever I'm in the presence of my family of origin. He was right there to comfort me, which I welcomed -- and this was a huge relief to him after having had girlfriends take out their sports wounds and frustrations on him instead of appreciating his TLC.

Though we might not have been able to hear it over the crackling leaves and beating hearts, as we finished our ride on our first (in person) thanksgiving together, I reckon something along these lines was playing in the background for both of us:

Catch me I'm falling

Catch me now I'm falling

Catch me I'm falling

Catch me now I'm falling

Falling in love

How Much I Feel

So much gratitude for so many things this Thanksgiving. I got to spend it with my kids this year, AND my man -- doubly blessed. We went to my sister's house, had a delicious meal, and then sat on the couch listening to some music. I had to love it when my boyfriend starting serenading me from the couch:

That's how much I feel

Feel for you, baby

How much I need I need your touch

How much I live I live for your loving

That's how much, that's how much

That's how much, that's how much

And that's a whole lot!

Lean on Me

Friends and family day is a lovely tradition at my daughter's school. Every year, the day before thanksgiving, families and friends are invited to come to school with the kids, view their artwork, Spanish work, eat some food they've prepared, read some writing they've done, and join in a sing-along. I never get through the sing along without tears, and they really started rolling with this tune:

Sometimes in our lives

We all have pain

We all have sorrow

But if we are wise

We know that there's

Always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong

And I'll be your friend

I'll help you carry on

For it won't be long

Till I'm gonna need

Somebody to lean on

I love the whole song, but I reckon these next two verses are my fave, particularly in the Glee version:

Please swallow your pride

If I have things

You need to borrow

For no one can fill

Those of your needs

That you won't let show

You just call on me brother

When you need a hand

We all need somebody to lean on

If there is a load

You have to bear

That you can't carry

I'm right up the road

I'll share your load

If you just call me

I've been through a lot during my kids' tenure at that school, as have they, and I sure have appreciated those who have lightened my load and allowed me to lean on them. I also appreciate the nest it has been for my baby birds during some of the most vulnerable years I hope they'll ever experience (when their Dad and I were newly divorced).

When we were leaving school for the day, one of my daughter's classmates' Grandma's asked if I was indeed her mother. I told her that I was, and then she gave me a wonderful compliment: "Oh!" she said, "I just really love who she is in the world." Me too!

You Always Hurt the One You Love

My man generally likes his movies on the sunnier side, and I knew this one was going to be a downer, but I'd been wanting to see it since it came out, so I made an executive decision and ordered it up on Netflix. We watched it last night, and throughout the course of the movie we went from thinking that the scene where he first sings her this song is sweet to feeling like it's tragic.

Since we've both been through falling in and out of love, there were a number of painful moments to watch.

Movie aside, it is a pretty damn sad song -- check out the original by the Mills Brothers and see what I'm saying:

You always hurt the one you love

The one you shouldn't hurt at all

You always take the sweetest rose

And crush it till the petals fall

You always brea-eak the kindest hear-eart

With a hasty word you can't recall, so

If I broke your heart la-ast night

It's because I love you most of all

Mostly though, we're banking on that title just not always being true. It's easy to hurt the ones you love, no doubt about it. And we often do. But always? Here's hoping we can break that pattern.

No New Tale to Tell

Cruising up the homestretch on my way to work today, this song started blaring out of my internal sound system:

No new tale to tell

No new tale to tell

No new tale to tell

Not really sure why, but I guess I don't see it as a particularly good sign. Maybe I'm in need of a vacation?

Is this it

There appears to be nothing remarkable about this song or the lyrics, but the band sure has a cool name, so maybe I'm missing something? My ipod seems to have wanted me to ponder thus, since it dialed this number up tonight...

Can't you see I'm trying, I don't even like it

I just lied to get to your apartment

Now I'm staying there just for a while

I can't think 'cause I'm just way too tired

Is this it

Is this it

Is this it

Said they'd give you anything you ever wanted

When they lied I knew it was just stable

Children trying hard not to realize I was sitting right behind you

Dear can't you see, it's them it's not me

We're not enemies, we just disagree

If I was like him, all dissing his Pa

He changes his mind, says I went too far

We all disagree I think we should disagree, yeah...

Certainly, the chorus is a question I've pondered from time to time, but this song, unfortunately, gets me no closer to an answer...

Eyes of Sarah Jane

My thanks go out to the Jayhawks for creating such a sweet song with my first and middle name in the title and chorus:

And in the eyes of Sarah Jane

I see the happy times again

And in the eyes of Sarah Jane

I see the happy times again

We couldn't sleep

Laugh 'til we weep

Then time stood still, so still, so still

Talked for hours in our little bed

I fell in love with every word you said

It felt so great, so great, so great

And in the eyes of Sarah Jane

I see the happy times again

And in the eyes of Sarah Jane

I see the happy times again

My boyfriend and I heard this before bed last night, and so, as prompted, I asked if he could see the happy times again when he looked into my eyes. His response was affirmative, but it seemed more related to the happiness of mine that he could see in my eyes than happiness that he could find there, which gave me pause. But perhaps there's not much difference between the two? Or at least, they are super interrelated, and maybe even in a healthy way?

Doll Parts

Of all the songs from Juno (which my boyfriend and I watched last night) to blog about, you wouldn't think this one would be high on the list. Don't get me wrong -- I have a soft spot for Courtney Love -- and was fascinated by these recent photos of her daughter, Frances Bean, who seems to have inherited the best part of her mother and father, at least in terms of looks -- but that soundtrack has tons of amazing songs on it. I chose this one because this is the song that Jason Bateman (who, as a young man, smiled down from a poster on my wall when I was a teenager) and Juno first bond over, as they sing together:

Yeah, they really want you, they really want you, they really do

Yeah, they really want you, they really want you, but I do too

I want to be the girl with the most cake

I love him so much it just turns to hate

I fake it so real, I am beyond fake

And someday, you will ache like I ache

Someday, you will ache like I ache

The first time I saw the movie, I thought their relationship was sweet. The second time around, I was still inclined to be charitable, but my boyfriend felt like he crossed a line. And maybe he did.

So many things about the movie are so funny, but so much of it is sad, too... The Jason Bateman character really just wants to be cool and appreciated for the things he loves about himself; his wife just wants a child; Juno just wants to do the right thing and be loved, and they all gain and lose something pretty profound throughout the course of the movie.

That's sort of how I feel about Courtney Love, too; some things about her music are pretty profound, but there's also a deeply sad sense of all that she's lost.

May we try to avoid aching like she aches (ached?), and if we have to go there, may we also add something beautiful to the world at the same time, as she has through her music and her daughter...

Leaving on your mind

Last night when we got in bed, I decided to select Patsy Cline on the ipod, and this somber tune made the strongest impression on me:

If you got leavin' on your mind

Tell me now, get it over

Hurt me now, get it over

If you got leavin' on your mind

There is, of course, a small part of me that gravitates in this direction when I'm faced with the possibility that my man just won't be able to find his happiest self here, and that part can really get behind these lyrics:

Don't leave me here, in a world

Filled with dreams that might have been

Hurt me now, get it over

I may learn to love again

But mostly I still feel willing to be in it, in spite of the uncertainty -- I still feel like we have a pretty decent shot at those dreams that got him out here in the first place coming true...

The Youth

This is the last track played during the movie The Kids are All Right, a really sweet movie about love, marriage, children and the difficulty we all sometimes have, within the context of our families and love relationships, getting our needs met.

Somehow, I feel like the lyrics to this quirky song sum up pretty well what the movie is all about:

This is a call of arms to live and love and sleep together.

We could flood the streets with love or light or heat whatever.

Lock the parents out, cut a rug, twist and shout,

Wave your hands,

Make it rain,

For stars will rise again.

The youth is starting to change.

Are you starting to change?

Are you?

Together.

In a couple of years

Tides have turned from booze to tears.

And in spite of the weather,

We could learn to make it together.

In some ways the movie is about how much pressure the youth put on us adults to change. I think if we can let it happen, this growth is nearly always positive, but changing is uncomfortable, and as adults, we have entrenched coping mechanisms -- one adult in the movie turns to wine, the others to sex. When those are taken out of the picture though, the tears indeed come, and the sense that they can make it together -- the kids and the adults, the kids as adults -- continues to grow.

All of which, I'm happy to say, gives me hope for the youth and the adults in this burgeoning family o' mine...

Accidentally in Love

I remember early on in my newly single life, chatting with a friend about the kind of man I thought I would (and didn't think I'd) fall in love with. You never know, she said, you might just fall in love and not really have a choice. At the time, I didn't buy it. Of course I had a choice. I always have a choice.

Which is certainly true, to some extent. But not entirely. Relatively early on in my long-distance relationship with my current man, I tried a couple of times to shut down my feelings, thinking that it was for the best because the distance was so hard. "You can't just turn it off," my sister warned. And it turned out, I really couldn't.

Cue the Counting Crows:

So she said, "What's the problem baby?"

What's the problem I don't know

Well maybe I'm in love, think about it every time

I think about it, can't stop thinking 'bout it

How much longer will it take to cure this

Just to cure it 'cause I can't ignore it if it's love

Makes me wanna turn around and face me

But I don't know nothing about love

Come on, come on

Turn a little faster

Come on, come on

The world will follow after

Come on, come on

Because everybody's after love

So I said, "I'm a snowball running"

Running down into the spring

That's coming all this love melting under

Blue skies belting out sunlight, shimmering love

Well baby I surrender to the strawberry ice cream

Never ever end of all this love

Well I didn't mean to do it

But there's no escaping your love

Now that he's out here and struggling a bit with the Midwestern landscape and a stressful day job, I think at least a little part of my man is finding this love a little inconvenient. Lucky for me, for the time being at least, accidentally or not, he is in love, so we're doing our best to make it work:

Come on, come on

Move a little closer

Come on, come on

I want to hear you whisper

Come on, come on

Settle down inside my love

Come on, come on

Jump a little higher

Come on, come on

If you feel a little lighter

Come on, come on

We were once upon a time in love

We're accidentally in love

Accidentally in love

Accidentally in love

Accidentally in love

Running Down a Dream

We heard this Tom Petty classic en route to our inaugural family mountain biking trip:

It was a beautiful day, the sun beat down

I had the radio on, I was drivin'

"This is apropos," my boyfriend said. "We are running down a dream."

It only took me a couple of seconds to figure out what he meant.

Not surprisingly, the process of integrating a 45-year old mountain-adventure-loving dude into a Midwestern family just getting its legs as a threesome ain't exactly seamless. As those with kids are well aware, they challenge us to deal with parts of ourselves that we'd much prefer to run away from, or allow to lie dormant. It can be a painful process to witness, and it scares the crap out of me that it is possible that it won't work out, that we won't all be able to get our needs met as a foursome.

Whew. In the meantime, I reckon I'll just take Tom's advice and stay on the path:

Runnin' down a dream

That never would come to me

Workin' on a mystery, goin' wherever it leads

Runnin' down a dream

Glory Box

This is just the kind of song that appeals to me when I'm feeling less than 100 percent hopeful about my lovelife:

Just give me a reason to love you

Give me a reason to be a woman

I just wanna be a woman

From this time unchained

We're all lookin' at a different picture

Through this new frame of mind

A thousand flowers could bloom

Move over and give us some room, yeah

Give me a reason to love you

Give me a reason to be a woman

I just wanna be a woman

So don't you stop, being a man

Just take a little look

From our side when you can

Show a little tenderness

No matter if you cry

Give me a reason to love you

Give me a reason to be a woman

I just wanna be a woman

'Cause it's all I wanna be is all a woman, yeah

For this is the beginning of forever and ever

Its time to move over

So tired of playing

Just give me a reason to love you

Give me a reason to be

Of course, I have many reasons to be, just as I have many reasons to love the man I'm with, but I do think that I put too much energy into the not-working part when it surfaces rather than viewing it as a natural part of having a relationship with another human being. Instead of letting it (discomfort, uncertainty) be there, I put all my energy into trying to control it away. As a result, I end up exhausted and no closer to where I was trying to get to -- that feeling that things are all settled -- because, of course, that feeling needs to come from somewhere inside me rather than from someone else.

Here's hoping a thousand flowers bloom if I can move over and give us some room...

More than Words

This one started up on the internal alarm early this morning:

Saying I love you

Is not the words I want to hear from you

It's not that I want you

Not to say, but if you only knew

How easy it would be to show me how you feel

More than words is all you have to do to make it real

Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me

'Cause I'd already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two

More than words to show you feel

That your love for me is real

What would you say if I took those words away

Then you couldn't make things new

Just by saying I love you

More than words

Now I've tried to talk to you and make you understand

All you have to do is close your eyes

And just reach out your hands and touch me

Hold me close don't ever let me go

More than words is all I ever needed you to show

Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me

'Cause I'd already know

I'm not sure exactly why I woke up to this one today, but I guess maybe it's because my boyfriend and I have had a rough few days, due to a variety of factors. When that happens, I can't feel his words in the way that I can when we're really connected. Which makes for a vicious cycle, but there doesn't seem to be much I can do about it until we can get back to that space again...