The Pleasure Song

I have a new guilty pleasure on Netflix, and this one brings me more guilt and more pleasure than the average binge watch: The L word.

Dang there's a lot of hot sex on that show. I remember when it came out -- remember the controversy -- but I didn't have much interest in watching it at the time.

But now, with the longest dry spell of my adult life going, I have a lot of interest, and I'm grateful that it comes through for me.

This song, from the soundtrack, speaks my truth:

I got so much love
So much more
So much more love to give
I got so much more
So much love
So much more love left to give
So much pleasure
Draws me like I never saw
I have never seen you
Look like this before
I got so many lives
So many more
So many more lives to live
I got so much love
So much love
So much more love left to give
So much pleasure
Draws me like I never saw
I have never seen you
Look like this before
Are you with me or without me?
Are you with me here or am I alone?
I got somewhere
Somewhere to be
Somewhere to be with you
There is somewhere
Somewhere to be
Somewhere for me and you
So much pleasure
Draws me like I never saw
I have never seen you
Look like this before
Are you with me or without me?
Are you with me now or am I alone?
Can you see me? I can see you
Please be with me here so I'm not alone
So much more to know
Didn't want to go
So much more to know
Didn't want to go
So much more to go
Didn't want to go
So much more to know
Didn't want to go
So much more to know
So much more to go
So much more to know

So much more...

Daughters

A labor of love brought my groovy glass tables back to life!

Today is my father's birthday. He's 74 years old, which seems hard to believe, but since I've been alive for all but 30 of his years, I guess it kinda makes sense that he's getting up there.

Yesterday he returned to me the wood table bases that he fixed for me so I could once again use my groovy glass top tables in my groovy 60s pad. Apparently he worked on them for hours and hours and I am super appreciative.

We've had an up and down relationship across our time on this Earth together. It hasn't been easy, but through it all I've always loved and admired parts of my Dad and I know that being one of his daughters (as John Mayer says) has shaped who I am and who I choose to love:

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made

I've experienced what feels like a lifetime of healing since my marriage, and a whole lot more on top of that since I met and was with the New Englander. I believe that the healing helps me discern when I'm drawn to the aspects of men that are like my father that are positive -- smart, funny, active, and nature-loving -- and to try to steer clear of those who exhibit signs of the aspects of my father that are not so positive -- the emotional unavailability, the quick temper, the lingering sadness:

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without the warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

One thing's for sure, it is a very powerful connection, that of fathers and daughters. I see that with my daughter and her father, too -- he means the world to her:

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Be As You Are

Cheers to our favorite Cabernet lover!

This year my extended family had our usual Thanksgiving celebration at my Uncle's farm on Friday rather than Thursday.

My son and I had already had one (huge, delicious!) Thanksgiving dinner with friends yesterday, so I was extra intent on getting my usual run in even though it was such a cold, blustery day.

My usual run is from the farm to the cemetery where my friend is buried, a friend who was married to my cousin when she died at age 37.

I always get something from visiting that place, and this time it was a mixture of forgiveness, the importance of choosing to love, and a deep understanding that so often the things in life that are most challenging are the most satisfying.

After dinner we played games, as usual, and my sister and Aunt and other family members always like to enjoy some wine together. I don't usually join, but when I heard that the bottle they opened was one that my late friend had brought to the farm (at least six years ago), I knew that I had to at least have a sip.

A bit later, one of my cousins was reminiscing about my wedding in St. John, and he played this song for me on his phone:

Man, I could use a Pina Colada
Little bit of sun on my skin
A hammock, a book
Never gonna look back
Once my feet hit the sand
I've had it up to here with this rat race
Need a smile on my face

...which mentions a bar where he and my other cousin hung out while we were down there:

I want to go where I can lighten up the load
Drive a little while on the wrong side of the road
Get this laying low off to a flying start
Play my guitar in the Caribbean sun
Hang with the locals at the Quiet Mon
Where you can be a tourist, a beach bum, or a star
And be as you are

St. John is certainly an incredible place:

Gettin' stuck sure would be easy
In this palm tree paradise
Ambition fades with every wave
For the finer things in life
Maybe I'll just hang around here
Go home later next year

But I felt pretty darn grateful to be right where I was today, in the midst of my family, all of us imperfect humans, doing our best to love each other. And I could feel the love, more than usual, and so could my kids.

A happy thanksgiving indeed!

I'm Not the Only One

Yesterday I found myself belting this song out when I thought I was alone, but wasn't:

You and me, we made a vow
For better or for worse
I can't believe you let me down
But the proof's in the way it hurts

For months on end I've had my doubts
Denying every tear
I wish this would be over now
But I know that I still need you here

You say I'm crazy
'Cause you don't think I know what you've done
But when you call me baby
I know I'm not the only one

What can I say? It's just that kind of song. Very satisfying to belt out:

You've been so unavailable
Now sadly I know why
Your heart is unobtainable
Even though Lord knows you kept mine

You say I'm crazy
'Cause you don't think I know what you've done
But when you call me baby
I know I'm not the only one

I have loved you for many years
Maybe I am just not enough
You've made me realize my deepest fear
By lying and tearing us up

But luckily, I know I'm enough. I also know I need someone who is excited for all of me -- I know I'm a force to be reckoned with and I need someone who celebrates that rather than shying away:

You say I'm crazy
'Cause you don't think I know what you've done
But when you call me baby
I know I'm not the only one

Nope. Not just yet. But I'm gonna be...

The Wolf

Still reeling from the weekend, I decided to pay a visit to an extra special yoga teacher with extra special powers last night. It really helped shift the way I was experiencing everything and I was so grateful.

Then this morning, I heard this song in the car:

Wide-eyed with a heart made full of fright
Your eyes follow like tracers in the night
And the tightrope that you wander everytime
You have been weighed, you have been found wanting

Been wondering for days
How you felt me slip your mind
Leave behind your wanton ways
I want to learn to love in kind
'Cause you were all I ever longed for

And I thought how this recent traumatic event and the contact I had with the New Englander about it just really served to show me that I've never been with someone who is all I've ever longed for, but by God, I deserve nothing less:

Sheltered, you better keep the wolf back from the door
He wanders ever closer every night
And how he waits begging for blood
I promised you everything would be fine

Been wondering for days
How you felt me slip your mind
Leave behind your wanton ways
I want to learn to love in kind
'Cause you were all I ever longed for

Hold my gaze love, you know I want to let it go
We will stare down at the wonder of it all
And I-I will hold you in it and I-I will hold you in it

Been wondering for days
How you felt me slip your mind
Leave behind your wanton ways
I want to look you in the eye
'Cause you were all I ever longed for

Nope, you weren't. You were a lot of really wonderful things and then the rest of what I was looking for, well, I pretended you had that too but you really didn't.

No more pretending! Here's to being real, and staying with myself, with whatever and whoever shows up next. I know that no one man can be all things but I also know in my heart the difference between someone who is all in and someone who isn't, and having run the course with someone I knew for years was in the latter category, I won't be doing that again!

Starman

The first snow did help cushion the blow a bit!

I can't even begin to tell you what a relief it was to find myself at the movies today. I love me some movies, especially at Sundance, and especially when the world I'm leaving behind is full of difficulty and pain and loss.

My daughter had requested that we see The Martian, so off we went today in the midst of a weekend that was otherwise filled with soccer games and hospital visits to see her injured father and his girlfriend. 

The movie was decent, albeit long, but it kinda didn't matter so much what was happening on the screen as much as it mattered that I was there to see it (as opposed to dealing with real life). 

One of my favorite moments in the film came when they played this classic tune:

Didn't know what time it was and the lights were low

I leaned back on my radio

Some cat was layin' down some rock 'n' roll 'lotta soul, 

he said

Then the loud sound did seem to fade

Came back like a slow voice on a wave of phase

That weren't no D.J. that was hazy cosmic jive

There's a starman waiting in the sky

He'd like to come and meet us

But he thinks he'd blow our minds

There's a starman waiting in the sky

He's told us not to blow it

Cause he knows it's all worthwhile

He told me:

Let the children lose it

Let the children use it

Let all the children boogie

I had to phone someone so I picked on you

Hey, that's far out so you heard him too!

Switch on the TV 

we may pick him up on channel two

Look out your window I can see his light

If we can sparkle he may land tonight

Don't tell your poppa or he'll get us locked up in fright

There's a starman waiting in the sky

He'd like to come and meet us

But he thinks he'd blow our minds

There's a starman waiting in the sky

He's told us not to blow it

Cause he knows it's all worthwhile

He told me:

Let the children lose it

Let the children use it

Let all the children boogie

Yes, Starman the children deserve to feel free enough to boogie, as do the rest of us, but sometimes that's just not what life presents us with...

Someone New

This song has been stuck in my head for days:

Don't take this the wrong way,
You knew who I was with every step that I ran to you,
Only blue or black days,
Electing strange perfections in any stranger I choose.

Would things be easier if there was a right way?
Honey, there is no right way.

And so I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new

Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I like Hozier, and the concept of falling in love with someone new is now both warming and welcome, even though what he's talking about here has nothing to do with love and everything to do with finding a way to numb the pain of heartbreak:

There's an art to life's distractions,
To somehow escape the burning weight, the art of scraping through,
Some like to imagine,
The dark caress of someone else, I guess any thrill will do

Would things be easier if there was a right way?
Honey, there is no right way.

And so I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new

I wake at the first cringe of morning,
And my heart's already sinned.
How pure, how sweet a love, Aretha, that you would pray for him.

'Cause God knows I fall in love just a little, oh, a little bit every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day

Love with every stranger, the stranger the better
Love with every stranger, the stranger the better
Love with every stranger, the stranger the better
Love with every stranger, the stranger the better
Love with every stranger, the stranger the better
Love with every stranger, the stranger the better

But I'm definitely not in that place -- though I have been there -- when the one night stand kind of stranger is at all appealing. So I choose to hear it more as a message of hope about a real love that is on its way:

I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new

Stand By You

Driving to practice this morning, I heard this song:

Hands, put your empty hands in mine
And scars, show me all the scars you hide
And hey, if your wings are broken
Please take mine so yours can open too
Cause I'm gonna stand by you
Oh, tears make kaleidoscopes in your eyes
And hurt, I know you're hurting, but so am I
And love, if your wings are broken
Borrow mine 'til yours can open too
Cause I'm gonna stand by you

And I especially loved the lines: if your wings are broken, borrow mine 'til yours can open too. I've seen, particularly through my work with Breathe for Change, that this is how it works. When we were debriefing on Friday, both the founder and I were in tears recalling how it was the support we lent each other back and forth that allowed us both to keep going and keep manifesting this dream which is the work we are now doing in schools.

There's still a part of me that isn't sure about this kind of love, the kind that feels like it really won't go away, the way so much of the love I've been offered and have received has done in my lifetime. But every day that I'm in this world of being seen and heard and supported, and I get to offer the same, I move a little bit closer to feeling like I can trust it:

Even if we're breaking down, we can find a way to break through
Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through Hell with you
Love, you're not alone, cause I'm gonna stand by you
Even if we can't find heaven, I'm gonna stand by you
Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through Hell with you
Love, you're not alone, cause I'm gonna stand by you

Yeah, you're all I never knew I needed
And the heart, sometimes it's unclear why it's beating
And love, if your wings are broken
We can brave through those emotions too
Cause I'm gonna stand by you
Oh, truth, I guess truth is what you believe in
And faith, I think faith is having a reason
Nah, nah, nah, love, if your wings are broken
Borrow mine 'til yours can open too
Cause I'm gonna stand by you

Can't Help Falling in Love

This has been an interesting week for realizations and revelations. Maybe it's the new moon -- I'm not sure. But one of my realizations concerns the man I've had a crush on for the last few weeks.

I've been telling myself that he is not ready for a relationship like I am; that his heart is on lock down (which I can physically see when we practice yoga together). And then this week, every time I went to lie down in savasana after practice, I felt this cage around the back of my heart. Maybe my heart's on lock down too?

As I was pondering this, I also remembered my friend telling me that you don't attract what you want, you attract what you are, and that felt like more evidence that I too am guarding my heart.

When I got home last night from my loooooonggg, magical day, I happened to see a picture of said crush on Facebook. And when I saw it, I just thought to myself: I love this man.

Who knows what will happen? Who knows if he will end up being my person in this time and space. I don't know. We'll just have to wait and see.

I went to a yoga class this afternoon with my friend, and the teacher ended class with this poem from Rumi:

“Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray.”

Remembering my response to the picture on Facebook, I thought to myself; "Ok heart, I trust you. You've only led me to magical things in the past."

True, the most magical of which ended in heartbreak (hence the lock-down ) but if I could go back, I wouldn't trade that love for any other. I really wouldn't.

And I don't have to, because I reckon I'm just about to fall in love again, Ingrid Michaelson (cover) style:

Wise men say only fools rush in
But I can't help falling in love with you
Shall I stay
Would it be a sin
If I can't help falling in love with you

Like a river flows surely to the sea
Darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
So take my hand, and take my whole life too
'Cause I can't help falling in love with you

Like a river flows so surely to the sea
Oh my darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
So won't you please just take my hand, and take my whole life too
'Cause I can't help falling in love, in love with you
'Cause I can't help falling in love, falling in love,
I keep falling in love with you

I'm So Tired of Being Alone

The B4C team dashes from one school to the next

What an incredible, emotional day. After working my ass off for weeks to prepare, today I had the honor of bringing yoga to educators in three of Madison's public schools.

It was intense, it was rushed (see photo of us running down the hall of one school with our gear to get to the next school), but it was also beautiful, so beautiful.

Part of what was beautiful was holding space for these educators to take care of themselves, and part of it was our team. I feel so loved and seen and heard by the Breathe for Change team, and so blessed to be able to bring the practice of yoga -- which absolutely changed my life -- to so many educators.

It was also a hard day in some ways. I realized at the Breathe for Change healthy hour that I felt triggered by something that happened today -- maybe just being in contact with other people who went through what I went through but haven't yet unraveled it. I don't know.

I also felt acutely the lack of coupleness I had going on, with so many others there with romantic partners. I wanted nothing more than to go home and snuggle on the couch with my man, although that would be hard, because I don't have a man.

Cue Al Green here:

I'm so tired of being alone,
I'm so tired of on my own,
Won't you help me, girl,
Just as soon as you can.
People say that I've found a way,
To make you say,
That you love me.
But baby,
You didn't go for that,
Ha, it's a natural fact,
That I want to come back,
Show me where it's at, baby.

I'm so tired of being alone,
I'm so tired of on my own,
Won't you help me, girl,
Soon as you can.
I guess you know that I, uh,
I love you so,
Even though,
You don't want me no more,
Hey, hey, hey, hey I'm cryin' tears,
Through the years,
I tell you like it is,
Honey, love me if you can.

Ya baby,
Tired of being alone here by myself, now
I tell ya, I'm tired baby,
I'm tired of being all wrapped up late at night,
In my dreams, nobody but you, baby.
Sometimes I wonder,
If you love me like you say you do,
You see baby, I, I, I, I've been thinking about you,
I've been wanting to get next to you, baby,
Sometimes I hold my arms and I say,
Oh baby, yeah, needing you has proven to me,
To be my greatest dream, yeah

Awh!

I'm so tired of being alone,
I'm so tired of on my own,
Sometimes late at night I get to wonderin' about you baby,
Baby, baby, ya ya, baby you're my heart's desire

One of these days, I'll be in my heart's desire's arms, I just know it!

You Can't Lose Me

Today I had a pretty profound experience. After two 14 hour Breathe for Change days, I needed a rest, and luckily it was a new moon, so no practice for me this morning.

No sleep, either, or at least, not as much as I would like, but I'm used to that happening with new moons. While up early, I decided to do a guided meditation, and settled on gratitude meditation, which I hadn't done in a long time.

One aspect of the meditation asks you to picture a benefactor, someone who has guided you, and today, my mother came to mind. I must've listened to this 50 times before but never have I ever had my mother come to mind.

I'm thinking this indicates that there has been some healing, and to celebrate that, I'm choosing a country song about Moms (my Mom often played country music when I was growing up):

A little girl, a little small for her age
A little too slow for the field day race
Momma's waiting at the finish line
And wipes the teardrops from her eyes
She says, "You did just fine honey, that's okay
"Sometimes life's just that way
"You're gonna lose the race from time to time
"But you're always gonna find

"You can't lose me
"Bet your life
"I am here and I will always be
"Just a wish away
"Wherever you go
"No matter how far
"My love is where you are
"You won't be lost if you believe
"You can't lose me"

Momma use to say "Girl it won't be long
'"Til it's time to go out on your own
"Chase your dreams find your place in life
"I know you'll do just fine"
When that day finally came
There were things she needed to but could not say
So I whispered softly as I wiped
The tears from Momma's eyes

"You can't lose me
"Bet your life
"I am here and I will always be
"Just a wish away
"Wherever I go
"No matter how far
"My love is where you are
"You won't be lost if you believe
"You can't lose me"

There was a time when I wanted to lose her, both when I was a teenager and as an adult when I was first grappling with my truth about what took place in my childhood home. But that time has passed. I know that one day I will lose her, but I'm glad I haven't had to face that just yet...

People's Parties

In honor of our San Francisco-based Breathe for Change team member's visit to Madison this week, we are doing a yoga tour of Madison. First stop: Dr. Ruddy's Bikram class this morning at Inner Fire.

He's so amazing, and although our teammate had never done Bikram before and was a bit put off by the heat, she totally got what is so great about Dr. Ruddy.

One of his best features is that he always sings to us in savasana, and today he sang us a little Joni Mitchell:

All the people at this party
They've got a lot of style
They've got stamps of many countries
They've got passport smiles
Some are friendly
Some are cutting
Some are watching it from the wings
Some are standing in the center
Giving to get something

Photo beauty gets attention
Then her eye paint's running down
She's got a rose in her teeth
And a lampshade crown
One minute she's so happy
Then she's crying on someone's knee
Saying laughing and crying
You know it's the same release

I told you when I met you
I was crazy
Cry for us all, beauty
Cry for Eddie in the corner
Thinking he's nobody
And Jack behind his joker
And stonecold Grace behind her fan
And me in my frightened silence
Thinking I don't understand

I feel like I'm sleeping
Can you wake me
You seem to have a broader sensibility
I'm just living on nerves and feelings
With a weak and a lazy mind
And coming to peoples parties
Fumbling deaf dumb & blind

I wish I had more sense of humour
Keeping the sadness at bay
Throwing the lightness on these things

Laughing it all away...

One of the things he said in class was the next time your kid does something to incense you, as my daughter did yesterday when she locked me out of my own car in the parking lot of the libraray (and refused to open the door), just say to yourself: "That's interesting."

Yeah, so that's not how I reacted. I beat on the windows. I screamed. And when she finally let me in, I threw shit into the back seat. Definitely reactive. So reactive. Maybe next time, I'll just call it interesting?

Here's hoping...

Open Your Heart

Today was another amazing day as you can see by the incredible blue of the sky behind me -- wow!

It was also amazing in that it involved lots of time outside, heart to hearts with colleagues, a 5 1/2 mile run, a yoga class and a delicious dinner with friends.

One of the subjects of conversation on the run and at dinner was a mutual friend who is going through a divorce and not having an easy time of it. God knows I've been there, and it isn't easy to watch from the sidelines and be supportive but not too involved, especially since I just happen to be warm for this particular divorcee's form.

There's just so many different feelings to deal with when a marriage unravels, and I think it's completely normal to put your heart on lockdown while going through it.

Sing it Human League:

And when it hurts you know they love to tell you
How they warned you
They say "Don't be surprised at someone's lies"
They think they taunt you
But if you can stand the test
You know your worst is better than their best
And so you stand here with the years ahead
Potentially calling
With open heart or with a spirit dead
You walk on

Lies the reason
Faith or treason
Playing a part
End concealing
Try revealing
Open your heart

Dare to feel
Take the chance
Make the deal
Being an island
Shying from trying
Seems the easy way
Such an easy way
But there's no future without tears

Lies the reason
Faith or treason
Playing a part
End concealing
Try revealing
Open your heart

But if you can stand the test
You know your worst is better than their best

Lies the reason
Faith or treason
Playing a part
End concealing
Try revealing
Open your heart

But as for me, my heart is more open than it's probably ever been before, and I just know I'm going to encounter another open heart attached to an attractive package before too long!

Inside Out

Our backyard maple this past weekend - wow!

Today was a phenomenal day. First of all, I know I do go on, but this fall has been so incredible. So warm, so bright, so lovely!

I started my day today practicing Ashtanga with my favorite at-home practice partner. As usual, we had fun and got some yoga in, which is a pretty great combination.

There's no doubt that it's different than my regular practice (and in some respects not as good a practice for me) -- but it's opening me up in other ways that I can already tell are entirely worthwhile.

Then I had a couple of work meetings followed by an hour of playing in the woods on my mountain bike at CamRock.

The scenery there was really different from the last time I visited, which was during the summer, but still really incredible in its own way (almost all the leaves were down out there).

One of the trails at CamRock

When I got home, I had a call to launch a new consulting project (yay money to feed, clothe and shelter my family!) and then settled in to watch the series finale of my latest Netflix indulgence, Gilmore Girls.

The very last scene contained this song, along with a passionate kiss between two of the characters who had been on and off again for a while:

Waiting for the last train
Standing in the pouring rain
Thinking, wishing, hoping
that you'll never feel the same again

Lying wide awake at night
Sleeping in the morning light
Doing all these things although
I shouldn't be ashamed of them

You can't stop my heart from turning inside out
Try and stop my world from turning inside out

Clutching on the last straw
Seeing things I've never saw
Must be time I fell
Down to a place I didn't know too well

Waiting for the last train
Standing in the pouring rain
Although I'm starting to break this spell
I know I haven't got a hope in Hell

You can't stop my heart from turning inside out
Try and stop my world from turning inside out

When you've called it a day
You've had things your own way
I guess it's fair to say
I'm gonna make you pay

(Didn't get a chance
Wished inside
Holding on until you draw the line
One step forward
Two steps back
And you're gone, gone)

Waiting for the last train
Standing in the pouring rain
Lying wide awake at night
Sleeping in the morning light

You can't stop my heart from turning inside out
Just try and stop my world from turning inside out

Happily ever after wasn't so much stated as implied, and that's how I'm feeling about my life (in terms of love and otherwise) right now too:

You can't stop my heart from turning inside out
Try and stop my world from turning inside out