Shine

Let's hear it for the power of intention: guess who first opened her eyes on her birthday at 6:09am? That's right, I had a full night's sleep to begin my 43rd year, and was it ever glorious!

Speaking of glorious, it could not have been a more beautiful day nor a day more perfectly suited to me -- sunny and 80 degrees! And I received so many lovely birthday wishes in all forms -- hugs, cards, compliments, Facebook posts, texts, phone calls, lunch and dinner al fresco, birthday treats, presents... I feel incredibly blessed.

And although it certainly isn't an entirely happy kind of gift to receive, I realized today that it is a gift that my adventure lovin' ex-boyfriend is as clear as he is about needing to go where he can shine. God knows (as do both of us having lived through years of unhappiness in previous relationships), as hard as it is to let go, it is far preferable to holding on when you just don't have what one another needs.

As luck and/or fate would have it, David Gray wrote a beautiful song that pretty much draws the same conclusion:

I can see it in your eyes
What I know in my heart is true
That our love it has faded
Like the summer run through
So we'll walk down the shoreline
One last time together
Feel the wind blow our wanderin' hearts
Like a feather
But who knows what's waiting
In the wings of time
Dry your eyes
We gotta go where we can shine

Don't be hiding in sorrow
Or clinging to the past
With your beauty so precious
And the season so fast
No matter how cold the horizon appear
Or how far the first night
When I held you near
You gotta rise from these ashes
Like a bird of flame
Step out of the shadow
We've gotta go where we can shine

For all that we struggle
For all we pretend
It don't come down to nothing
Except love in the end
And ours is a road
That is strewn with goodbyes
But as it unfolds
As it all unwinds
Remember your soul is the one thing
You can't compromise
Take my hand
We're gonna go where we can shine
We're gonna go where we can shine
We're gonna go where we can shine

Yes we do. And I intend to use this year to shine, help my children shine, and help others shine too, by teaching yoga, continuing to write and generally being the best me I can be.

She Wakes When She Dreams

As often happens when I go through hard times, my sleep suffers. Lately I've been feeling very tired in the evening, wanting to go to bed super early -- and when my kids aren't around, I sometimes do. When they are home, I can't, but no matter when I go to sleep, I tend to wake up around 4:30am and have trouble getting back to sleep. It's a drag, because I'm inevitably tired at some point in my day.

My ipod was kind enough to shuffle onto a song this morning that suggested I'm not the only one in this boat:

She's crying herself to sleep every night
'til her eyes shut and find better times
She wakes when she dreams
Sleeps when she wakes

Unfortunately, as also happens during stressful times, my dreams are often pretty unpleasant too.

Here's hoping that this all turns around soon:

Now sleep my sweet girl
And dream of better days

She wears a sorrow beauty can't hide
I pray she sheds it and sleep the whole night
She wakes when she dreams
Sleeps when she wakes

Now sleep my sweet girl
And dream of better days

Subterranean Homesick Blues

This song came on in the car on the way home from a camping trip to Devil's Lake, which seemed perfect in a few respects: 1) Dylan and camping just seem to go together; 2) It was the second of a two-song set, the first of which made me cry, and I was glad for something a little more up tempo (not to mention something that had a prayer of drowning out the happy mayhem coming from the back seat):

Johnny's in the basement
Mixing up the medicine
I'm on the pavement
Thinking about the government
The man in the trench coat
Badge out, laid off
Says he's got a bad cough
Wants to get it paid off
Look out kid
It's somethin' you did
God knows when
But you're doin' it again
You better duck down the alley way
Lookin' for a new friend
The man in the coon-skip cap
In the big pen
Wants eleven dollar bills
You only got ten.

The video linked above has Bob holding up cue cards for these lyrics -- super cute -- and I'm usually not one to truncate the words of one of my favorite poets -- but watching that sealed the deal on this one:

Maggie comes fleet foot
Face full of black soot
Talkin' that the heat put
Plants in the bed but
The phone's tapped anyway
Maggie says that many say
They must bust in early May
Orders from the DA
Look out kid
Don't matter what you did
Walk on your tip toes
Don't try, 'No Doz'
Better stay away from those
That carry around a fire hose
Keep a clean nose
Watch the plain clothes
You don't need a weather man
To know which way the wind blows.

Get sick, get well
Hang around an ink well
Ring bell, hard to tell
If anything is goin' to sell
Try hard, get barred
Get back, write Braille
Get jailed, jump bail Join the army, if you failed
Look out kid
You're gonna get hit
But users, cheaters
Six-time losers
Hang around the theaters
Girl by the whirlpool
Lookin' for a new fool
Don't follow leaders
Watch the parkin' meters.

It's all pretty great, but I think the next few lines might just be my favorite:

Ah get born, keep warm
Short pants, romance, learn to dance
Get dressed, get blessed
Try to be a success
Please her, please him, buy gifts
Don't steal, don't lift
Twenty years of schoolin'
And they put you on the day shift
Look out kid
They keep it all hid
Better jump down a manhole
Light yourself a candle
Don't wear sandals
Try to avoid the scandals
Don't wanna be a bum
You better chew gum
The pump don't work
'Cause the vandals took the handles.

Feels like kinda an abrupt ending, doesn't it? We're all feeling the same way about the end of the weekend tonight. There was something about being up at Devil's Lake on opening weekend -- the only weekend people like us who don't tend to plan a year in advance can camp there -- when the sun felt hot but the trees had yet to leaf in -- that made us wish we could just stay up there and watch the spring come rather than coming home and going back to work and school...

All I Do Is Win

One of the things I really love about having a blog is that sometimes my friends who are reading it will either comment or shoot me an email about a post or send me a song. Music makes me feel less alone in this world, and sharing the soundtrack of my life with loved ones makes me feel even less alone.

When I was still mired in the yucky feelings I've been blogging about lately, a friend sent me this song, saying she remembered a time after she broke up with her long-term boyfriend when it got stuck in her head:

All I do is win, win, win no matter what
Got money on mind, I can never get enough
And every time I step up in the building
Everybody hands go up

And they stay there, and they say "yeah," and they stay there
Up, down, up, down, up, down
'Cause all I do is win, win, win
And if you goin' in, put your hands in the air, make 'em stay there

At the time, I appreciated the gesture, but I didn't identify at all with the song -- I was still stuck on looking at what I was losing rather than what I was winning.

Then yesterday on my way home from a meeting all about getting to work on helping ensure every kid in Milwaukee goes to a great school (one of my favorite causes), I stopped at the Nike Outlet to get some running clothes. I knew I needed shorts that I could wear on race day -- something that would work with the orange Team Challenge jersey I'll be sporting. And did I ever win -- found some super cool shorts and an awesome pair of grey, black, and yellow chevron stripe Dri-Fit tights that feel like an absolute dream on my legs.

When I got home, I set off on a run in my new tights, and a woman who was out getting her mail said to me: "What a great outfit!" Oh yeah -- another win -- and as I ran off, the song started playing:

All I do is win, win, win no matter what
Got money on mind, I can never get enough
And every time I step up in the building
Everybody hands go up

And they stay there, and they say "yeah," and they stay there
Up, down, up, down, up, down
'Cause all I do is win, win, win
And if you goin' in, put your hands in the air, make 'em stay there

Of course, when I got to my kids' school to meet them, one looked mortified upon seeing me, and the other said "No offense Mom, but I do NOT like those pants."

No offense taken, honey, cuz don't you know:

All I do is win, win, win no matter what
Got money on mind, I can never get enough
And every time I step up in the building
Everybody hands go up...

Just Give Me a Reason

It has been an eventful 24 hours for me, starting with yesterday's note from the Universe:

"The question, Sarah, that some might consider asking is, "Can others, doing what they're now doing, no matter what their motivation, no matter what our relationship, and no matter what they decide, keep me from being all I want to be?"

And the answer is always, "Not in a million years."

Whooohooo!
    The Universe"

This is exactly what I needed to hear, and I also heard the unspoken part of this, which was "unless I let them." And I have been. I've been feeling super sorry for myself because things just aren't working out as I'd hoped. Guess what? That happens sometimes. That's life.

I knew this was all true, but it didn't feel true, so I made an appointment to talk it through and get some bodywork from one of the wise women who has helped guide me through my evolution over the past decade. I told her what has been going on, and she asked what my spiritual intention was, and I said: "to let go of all attachments so that I can be guided by love in my continued evolution." Sounds pretty woo-woo, I know.

But it worked. After the session, I went home, slept a bunch, and when I emerged, a shift had taken place: my phase of throwing a hissy fit because this man I love doesn't want the same things I do in this stage of our lives is over. I don't need to be upset about that, it just is.

I feel like what I've learned about love and marriage/partnerships can be summed up like this: In order to make a marriage or a partnership really great, you need two things: 1) you need to love each other like crazy; and 2) you need to want and value the same things in life. So far, in both of my long-term adult relationships, I've been 1:2. I can do it though. I can find both. And I couldn't have said that with such confidence before I gained what I have gained by loving my New Englander.

I've been hearing this song a bunch lately, and it feels hopeful to me:

Right from the start
You were a thief
You stole my heart
And Im your willing victim
I let you see the parts of me
That weren't all that pretty
And with every touch you fixed them

Now you've been talking in your sleep oh oh
Things you never say to me oh oh
Tell me that you've had enough
Of our love, our love

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

I know it's about repairing a love that's gone awry, and I have all the faith in the world that if this adventure-loving man and I are given the opportunity somewhere down the road, it won't take much to jumpstart us again.

And that's, at least sort of, comforting:

I never stopped
You're still written in the scars on my heart
You're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

Oh tear ducts and rust
I'll fix it for us
We're collecting dust
But our love's enough

But more than that, I'm hearing it as an anthem to the heart's ability to keep loving what it has loved AND love again:

It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
Oh we can learn to love again
Oh we can learn to love again oh oh
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

Pardon My Heart

Yesterday I decided to take a breather from work and grab coffee with a friend. He asked me how I was doing, I started telling him, and surprise! -- I started to cry. My friend didn't say much in response. He just sat and listened, and then repeated what I believe to be a pretty accurate assessment of my situation: "That really sucks." Yeah, it does.

But I love me some Neil Young, and when Pandora played this tune last night, it felt about perfect:

It's a fallen situation
When all eyes are turned in
And a love isn't flowing
The way it could have been

As I told my friend over coffee, it is so hard to know where to be or what to do in this situation. I hate being mad at this person who isn't really still my person but still feels like he is:

It's a sad communication
With little reason to believe
When one isn't giving
And one pretends to receive

So last night I tried doing what I know how to do that has served me in such instances in the past: I spoke my truth, and I consciously took the time to get into my heart space by doing one of my favorite 30-minute meditations (Mind like Sky with Jack Kornfield).

I think it worked, and I can't imagine a more beautiful way to express the feelings I got in touch with than what Neil sings here:

Pardon my heart
If I showed that I cared
But I love you
more than moments
We have or have not shared

Because I guess more than anything, what I got from my meditation was to view what's in front of my eyes (or not in front of my eyes, as the case may and sometimes will be) as the play of experience, rather than allowing the mind to draw conclusions that fit with old stories of abandonment or betrayal, even if on some level, they feel "true."

If I can do this -- and it's a tall order -- I can keep in touch with and keep being guided by the love that this relationship uncovered rather than the sadness and wrath I feel about it not working out the way I wanted:

You brought it all on
Oh, and it feels so good
You brought it all on
When love flows
the way that it should
You brought it all on...

Carry On

This song is my mantra right now. It kinda has to be. Although I really, really hate what is happening in my lovelife, I still have two kids to care for, I still have a real job and some yoga teaching gigs, and I still have a house to keep up and myself to feed, clothe and care for:

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Carry on, carry on

In the yoga class I taught yesterday, I focused on grounding, knowing intuitively that unless I focus all my energy on keeping my feet on the ground right now, I may end up in a place where I'm not able to meet all of my obligations (and hoping some of my students would appreciate the same focus):

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Besides, it isn't as if everything in my life sucks. My body, for one, is not betraying me -- it is instead proving to be a real asset in my quest to run 13 miles in June (and run them faster than I did in 1994 since I'm competitive like that, even with myself):

Woah
My head is on fire
But my legs are fine
Cause after all they are mine

No, what sucks right now has everything to do with the inapplicability of the rest of this verse to my life:

Lay your clothes down on the floor
Close the door
Hold the phone
Show me how
No one's ever gonna stop us now

As for the next verse:

Cause we are
We are shining stars
We are invincible
We are who we are
On our darkest day
When we're miles away
So we'll come
We will find our way home

Even through a tremendous amount of anger and pain, I still believe that we are both shining stars and that we'll both find our way home. It's not that I've stopped believing in that. It's just that every bone in my body, every tear that falls, is screaming: Why can't we find our way home together?

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Carry on, carry on

It ain't easy, but I'm gonna have to...

Where Are You Now

After tucking my kids in last night, I went into my room to cry by myself. It's not pretty, I know, but that's where I was. Crawling into bed, I started to hear the words to a song I probably haven't heard for 20 years, and yet I remembered every word:

All alone tonight I'm calling out your name
Somewhere deep inside this part of you remains
Images of love take me back in time
I don't know how it started
Or why it ever had to end
Something stepped inside
We didn't let it in
It's keeping us apart
Where are you now

I sure was feeling all alone last night. Does anything make a person feel more alone than having the person who was quite recently the most cherished of loves feel like a stranger? Can't think of anything:

Going through my life without you by my side
You're the only thing that keeps going through my mind
And nothing that I do can take the place of you

I learned last night that he'd (the man who was my man) be leaving town before we originally thought, and I wasn't sure how to feel about that. Except broken:

Ooh thinking about you girl
There's gotta be a place for me
Somewhere in your heart

Yep, there's a place. It's not a comfortable place right now, but there is a place.

This past weekend, for the first time in more than 2 1/2 years, I didn't know where he was, or what he was doing. It was a horrible feeling, and I can't imagine that what lies ahead is more of the same. I don't know how I'll get through it. The only thing worse than that is contemplating this:

Where are you now
Is someone there tonight holding what was mine

If there is a God, if and/or when that happens, I won't have to know. I'm not sure I could bear it.

Where are you now
You wonder where I am, I need you here tonight.

No need to wonder where I am. I'm right here. But alas, it would appear that what I need has been rendered unimportant by some very dear to me...

The Best of Times

I know, I know. Two songs from Styx in one week?! What can I say? I don't control it, not consciously, anyway. But as the sun was coming out this morning, this song began playing internally:

Our memories of yesterday will last a lifetime
We'll take the best, forget the rest
And someday we'll find these are the best of times
These are the best of times

I tried to ignore it, to block it out. Still too sleepy. Not ready to face the day. I don't have any window coverings in my bedroom, so I tied a dark-colored shirt around my eyes and tried to go back to sleep. No such luck. I could block the light, but the music would not cease:

Tonight's the night we'll make history, honey, you and I
And I'll take any risk to tie back the hands of time
And stay with you here tonight...

I'm having trouble understanding why this is the song choice for today. I think the likelihood that my love and I will make history tonight, manage to tie back the hands of time, or even stay with one another is pretty slim. I remember hearing this song back in the day. (I was 11 when the footage was taken in this video.) I distinctly remember, with my preadolescent brain, contemplating "making history" with my lover.

But the best explanation I can come up with for this song selection this morning has to do with a conversation I had yesterday with a friend. The gist of it was that all of it -- being wracked with sobs when faced with separation from a lover, fighting with our kids -- constitutes a life being lived:

Our memories of yesterday will last a lifetime
We'll take the best, forget the rest
And someday we'll find these are the best of times
These are the best of times

The best of times and the worst of times are sometimes, or maybe even always, if we really take a zen perspective, all rolled into one. I spent much of yesterday reading coverage of the Boston Marathon bombings, and it seems like many Bostonians are feeling that acutely:

I know you feel these are the worst of times
I do believe it's true
When people lock their doors and hide inside
Rumor has it it's the end of paradise
But I know, if the world just passed us by
Baby I know, you wouldn't have to cry

The headlines read 'these are the worst of times'
I do believe it's true
I feel so helpless like a boat against the tide
I wish the summer winds could bring back paradise
But I know, if the world turned upside down
Baby, I know you'd always be around

Maybe sometimes always being around doesn't get to remain manifested in the physical plane. I reckon that's one of the hardest things about a loss of any kind, whether it's a death or just a parting:

Our memories of yesterday will last a lifetime
We'll take the best, forget the rest
And someday we'll find these are the best of times
These are the best of times...

When I Was Your Man

I don't love this song, but after I woke up with it in my head this morning, I looked it up on youtube, and immediately liked it more. I did not realize that the album is called "Unorthodox Jukebox" -- but anyone who would use the word jukebox in an album title has to be a kindred spirit of some sort. I also didn't realize Bruno Mars had a (sorta) fro -- and that also makes me a bigger fan.

But I'm still not sure how I feel about using two of his songs in the same month, and I'm not sure how to feel about these lyrics, either:

Same bed, but it feels just a little bit bigger now
Our song on the radio, but it don't sound the same
When our friends talk about you all that it does is just tear me down
Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your name
And it all just sound like uh, uh, uh

Hmmm too young, too dumb to realize
That I should have bought you flowers and held your hand
Should have gave you all my hours when I had the chance
Take you to every party cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby is dancing, but she's dancing with another man.

My pride, my ego, my needs and my selfish ways
Caused a good strong woman like you to walk out my life
Now I never, never get to clean up the mess I made
And it haunts me every time I close my eyes
It all just sounds like uh, uh, uh, uh

Too young, too dumb to realize
That I should have bought you flowers and held your hand
Should have gave all my hours when I had the chance
Take you to every party cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby is dancing, but she's dancing with another man.

Although it hurts I'll be the first to say that I was wrong
Oh, I know I'm probably much too late
To try and apologize for my mistakes
But I just want you to know
I hope he buys you flowers, I hope he holds your hand
Give you all his hours when he has the chance
Take you to every party cause I remember how much you loved to dance
Do all the things I should have done when I was your man!
Do all the things I should have done when I was your man!

All I know is how I feel when I hear it, which is part of a club I was hoping not to have to join again. That, and really unhappy with the use of the past tense.

Come Sail Away

I've been getting back into Ashtanga Yoga, which is the type of yoga that first hooked me over a decade ago. It's a vigorous practice, but the pitta (fire) energy in me really responds to it. Yesterday's practice was really challenging, but also physically satisfying and I had enough of what felt like victories to endure the difficulties and deal with my limitations with equanimity. Good practice for life!

Anyway, after class a fellow student asked if I was a sailor. I wasn't sure why he asked, and then he and the teacher both made reference to the swallow on my upper arm (pictured here in an old blog post). I said no, but I like the freedom that she symbolizes.

The desire to be free is a strong one, and I think it's healthy, too. If we bury that desire too deeply, we tend to be unhappy, and that's no good. But I think there's such a thing as too much freedom. I read an article in The New Yorker about Aaron Swartz, a boy genius who wound up committing suicide while still in his 20s. While many factors contributed to his decision to end his life, the article discusses the fact that he had always been allowed to do what he wanted to do, so he never learned to cope with things he didn't want to do.

And the thing is, life, whether it's a life of total servitude or total freedom or the something in between that most of us experience, is gonna come with some things we don't want to do. Learning to stay is really difficult sometimes, and I believe this, in a nutshell, is why children are such great teachers. Children force you to stay, to cope with your old shit, and they show you the value of a relationship, of the kind of love that is allowed to bloom when no one's going anywhere.

This is the kind of love I want to have with my partner, too. Previously, I had someone who wasn't going anywhere, but we didn't share the kind of love that is powerful enough to continue breaking through the difficulty. We also failed to find enough ways to be free, even within the confines of our grown-up lives, and it cost us.

With my love of a lifetime, on the other hand, we've got the powerful love thing going. We've both grown immensely and positively glowed on a regular basis just from being together, but when it didn't feel easy, when freedom was restricted, when compromises had to be made that were in conflict with what one or the other of us valued most in life, one or the other of us has always walked out. In the past, that's been me, and now, it's him. Or rather, it's me walking out because I'm finally confronting the fact that he's really gonna move away from my kids and I, so it's time for me to put my energy elsewhere. Sigh...

The other night I was reading to my son, and I came across a passage that beautifully expresses the depth of the loss I'm experiencing. I had to stop in the middle of this passage, too choked up to continue to read aloud, but also comforted by the universality of what I'm experiencing:

The world turns and the world spins, the tide runs in and the tide runs out, and there is nothing in the world more beautiful and more wonderful in all its evolved forms than two souls who look at each other straight on. And there is nothing more woeful and soul saddening than when they are parted.

--Lizzie Bright and the Buckminster Boy by Gary Schmidt

What a great passage. The main character, Turner, often fantasized about "lighting out for the Territories."

Speaking of lighting out, Styx has something to say on that score, as they began reminding me on the drive home from the yoga studio last night:

I'm sailing away,

Set an open course for the virgin sea,

'Cause I've got to be free,

Free to face the life that's ahead of me,

On board, I'm the captain, so climb aboard,

We'll search for tomorrow on every shore,

And I'll try, Oh Lord I'll try, to carry on

I look to the sea,

Reflections in the waves spark my memory,

Some happy, some sad,

I think of childhood friends and the dreams we had,

We lived happily forever, so the story goes,

But somehow we missed out on the pot of gold

But we'll try best that we can to carry on

A gathering of angels appeared above my head,

They sang to me this song of hope and this is what they said,

They said come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me lads,

Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me,

Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me baby,

Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me

I'd sure like to do that sometimes, but I can't. I'm not 20 anymore. I've got a couple of kids, a job, a house... One day I'll have more freedom again, but for now, I'm going to discover what I can from staying put. I'm going to have adventures, but they will most likely be either in the Midwest or they'll be planned and budgeted for months in advance. That's just the reality of my current situation.

I know that I will discover more with a partner than I can on my own, both on the adventures and back at home. I've learned that over the last couple of years in a way I didn't understand it before. Now I just have to get used to the possibility that the man who drove that message home so handsomely may not be the partner I'm seeking after all... 

Love of a Lifetime

When I woke up this morning with this song in my head, I had to believe one of two things:

1) My internal ipod is a sadist; or
2) My intuition knows something that is not readily apparent at the moment in the physical world.

Forever the optimist, I choose to go with number 2:

I guess the time was right for us to say
We'd take our time and live our lives
Together day by day
We'll make a wish and send it on a prayer
We know our dreams will all come true
With love that we can share

Damn, I hope so!

And as for the two questions at the beginning of the next verse, I can't say I'm feeling particularly solid on the first one, but I still feel surprisingly solid on the second, given the circumstances:

With you I never wonder - will you be there for me?
With you I never wonder - you're the right one for me?
I finally found the love of a lifetime
A love to last my whole life through
I finally found the love of a lifetime
Forever in my heart
I finally found the love of a lifetime

With every kiss, our love is like brand-new
And every star up in the sky
Was made for me and you
Still we both know that the road is long
We know that we will be together
Because our love is strong

Ooh, I finally found the love of a lifetime
A love to last my whole life through, ooh
I finally found the love of a lifetime
Forever in my heart
I finally found the love of a lifetime (I finally found the love of a lifetime)
Love of a lifetime (I finally found the love of a lifetime)
I finally found the love (I finally found the love of a lifetime)
Ooh, forever in my heart
I finally found the love of a lifetime, ooh

And it's not just me that's feeling this. I had a friend over for dinner last night. Someone who knows both of us. And she said she sensed that the two of us weren't done. With my subconscious shuffling onto this song, I have to believe she's right...

Against All Odds (Take a Look at Me Now)

Not surprisingly, I'm both really angry, and really sad about my relationship ending. I tend to really feel my emotions deeply, which has its upsides, and its downsides.

Lucky for me, my internal jukebox landed on a perfect song to express both of those feelings this morning (thanks Phil!):

How can I just let you walk away,
just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh
You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me,
when all I can do is watch you leave
Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain,
and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now,
'cos there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now,
'cos there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me
is against all odds and that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
so many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

Alas, I think I've said all the things I needed to say to him, and it wasn't enough.

And as for waiting for him to come back to me, I'm trying to tell myself not to do that because I don't really know that it would be the best outcome for all of us.

But I reckon that there's a part of me that will never listen to logic on that score...

What Sarah Said

This song is working to mark my day on at least a couple of levels:

1) It seems my kids have little to no regard for What Sarah Said, and I'm feeling extremely frustrated about that but also not wanting to employ strategies that sometimes come out when I'm frustrated but really aren't effective and just end up making everybody feel bad, like yelling.

2) While my kids were ignoring me, I finally had the chance to read the Sunday Times (look at me finding a silver lining!) and this week's Modern Love was about love and loss and hospitals, just like this song: 

And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time

As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409

And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today

As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me

Away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye

It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds

But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all

And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room

Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news

And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads

But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"

So who's going to watch you die?..

I don't suppose this is something one can predict with too much certainty, but I do know this: One explanation for why I was positively doubled over with grief tonight when I went outside and the moon was out and the stars were shining (luckily, my kids had gone back inside), is that I found someone I would like to be with me when I die, and now, I don't even get to be with him in life.

Tell me how that's fair? How can that be the way it works?

Grenade

For the last couple of weeks, since I found out about the huge chunk of change I owe in taxes this year, I've been hearing the first four words of this song. I used to work with a woman who had the "easy come, easy go" attitude about money - - and it seemed like a healthy one to me -- so I try to employ it at times like this.

This morning, feeling as I do like a grenade went off in my chest, it seems like this song might be here for another reason as well:

Easy come, easy go
That's just how you live, oh
Take, take, take it all
But you never give...

Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked...

Alright, time to drag my ass off this mattress and onto my yoga mat. If I wanna have a prayer of getting through this time, I'm gonna have to make that happen!

Stay

This song is following me around. It's in my head, it's on the radio:

All along it was a fever
A cold sweat hot-headed believer
I threw my hands in the air and said, "Show me something,"
He said, "If you dare come a little closer."

Round and around and around and around we go
Oh now tell me now tell me now tell me now you know

Not really sure how to feel about it.
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you.
It takes me all the way.
I want you to stay.

I'm not really sure how I feel about Rihanna as a lyricist -- I don't understand a bunch of the lyrics for this song, but I feel like she's on to something here:

It's not much of a life you're living
It's not just something you take – it's given

I think it all comes back to that one truth -- that we can't take what hasn't been given, though it wasn't for lack of trying:

Ooh the reason I hold on
Ooh cause I need this hole gone
Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving...

Yeah, part of my holding on was about wanting to fill a hole, but mostly, it was about being super into someone who was super into me and after more than two years together, coming up short:

Not really sure how to feel about it.
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you.
It takes me all the way.
I want you to stay, stay.
I want you to stay, oh.

...because he wouldn't stay. So I'm going to have to find a way to live without him. Sigh. I may just start, as Rihanna does in the video (dang she's hot!), with sad soaks in the tub...

Here and Now

Got on Facebook today to solicit more donations for my upcoming half-marathon, and stumbled on the photo you see here. The dude on the right is my first love, and the photo is of his recent wedding. I'm not gonna lie, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Not because I'm not happy for him -- I am. For many years, as I've written about on this blog, we thought one day we'd end up back together, but a few years ago, when we were both free, we did the whole reunion thing, and found that rekindling our romance wasn't really in the cards.

No, the reason it hit me so hard, I reckon, is that it feels like yet another sign from the Universe that I need to let go of my current love, someone to whom I expressed from the very beginning that what I wanted was to get married again, to be a family, to possibly have or foster or adopt another child... And from the very beginning, he's told me that he wasn't so sure he was up for all that. Feels like it's about time that I decide to set myself free to find the man with whom I can have all that I'm asking.

Why this song, you ask? Well, let's see. A few possible reasons it could've been triggered when I saw the photo: 1) It was my sister's song when she got married; 2) My old boyfriend was a super cool skinny black dude who became a not so-skinny but still super cool black dude, kinda like Luther Vandross; and/or 3) The title of the song has some urgency, some right-nowness, about which I seem to need to be reminded.

You see, I was getting that message before, but I was confused, thinking that because I felt all these lyrics with my current man:

When I look in your eyes
There I see
Just what you mean to me
Here in my heart I believe
Your love is all I'll ever need
Holdin' you close through the night
I need you, yeah

It didn't really matter that he wasn't choosing to share my life or say we'd always be together:

One look in your eyes and there I see
What happiness really means
The love that we share makes life so sweet
Together we'll always be
This pledge of love feels so right
And, ooh, I need you

But it does matter. It hurts me every time there's a reminder that he's got other priorities and is on his way out of town in a matter of months. It's about time I face up to this loss, close the chapter, and begin the healing process that will lead me to the love with which I'll walk down the aisle:

[Starting here] Ooh, and I'm starting now
I believe [I believe in love], I believe
[Starting here] I'm starting right here
[Starting now] Right now because I believe in your love
So I'm glad to take the vow

Here and now, oh
I promise to love faithfully [faithfully]
You're all I need
Here and now, yeah
I vow to be one with thee [you and me], yeah
Your love is all I need

What About Me

Last night I ran into some tough emotions. I had a really good day yesterday, was feeling professionally and personally engaged, got my haircut, had a good workout, came home and still had the energy and commitment to practice yoga...

When my boyfriend came over, he didn't comment on my haircut, he just talked about his excitement about getting away for the weekend to ski up north and he talked about getting some news about some potential new employment that would take him away from here -- out East or out West. And I just felt myself shut down. I no longer felt like sharing the things I had to say about my day or my life or our life -- they just didn't really seem relevant in that framework.

Needless to say I wasn't feeling close to him when we went to sleep last night, or when we woke up this morning, but this morning my internal jukebox was good enough to find this moldy oldie -- just what I needed to have a good cry:

She runs to the street and she screams
"What about me? It isn't fair
I've had enough now, I want my share
Can't you see? I wanna live
But you just take more than you give"
(More than you give)

In some ways, this is an extension of what I was talking about in yesterday's post. This is me not seeing things for what they are, but rather, what I want them to be. My boyfriend has said on numerous occasions that he feels like he takes more than he gives, that that has been an issue in prior relationships, that it is part of who he is that isn't likely to change. I've had a hard time accepting that, but I think I'm getting there:

Now, we're standin' on the corner of a world gone home
Nobody's changed, nobody's been saved
And I'm feelin' cold and alone
I guess I'm lucky, I smile a lot
But sometimes I wish for more than I've got

I reckon that while letting go of this relationship will not mean getting to be with this man I so adore, it is likely that I'll eventually get to have more than I've got now in terms of a life partner:

What about me? It isn't fair

I've had enough now, I want my share

Can't you see? I wanna live

But you just take more, what about me?

What about me?
What about me?
What about me?

It's Time

This song has been with me for days -- a loyal companion, both on my internal sound system and those to which I tune in from time to time. It's a good one, and it comes, as this video clip shows, from a really cute movie that my man and I saw together: The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

I've been hearing it (and feeling it) especially acutely after yesterday's visit from a close friend whom I don't see all that often. She, like others in my life, have their own feelings about my boyfriend's decision to pack up at the end of this two-year experiment and head back from whence he came:

I don't ever wanna let you down
I don't ever wanna leave this town

She thinks he shouldn't want to let me down. And he doesn't, want to, that is. But he's prepared to do it to find his own happiness:

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
That I'm never changing who I am

As I see it, changing who we are is tricky. I believe it can be done in a way where you retain the good stuff and let go of the parts that are in your way, but we have to feel safe and loved and accepted so that we understand that our essence and our worth aren't tied up in the things to which our personalities and/or our bodies become attached. That's hard work, sorting that all out, and to do it, we have to want it for ourselves. No one else can want it hard enough for us to flip that switch.

And I guess I feel relieved, really, having let go of my desire to try to sell my boyfriend on Madison, on family life, on an exercise program that only involves convening with mountains a couple times a year rather than a couple of times a week or month. It was exhausting, this sale's job -- and for good reason -- it wasn't my job, nor really even my right:

So this is where you fell
And I am left to sell
The path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell
Right to the top
Don't look back

Would I like him to stay? Sure. Do I want him to stay if he can't do so with his whole heart, mind, body and soul? No.

I don't ever wanna let you down
I don't ever wanna leave this town
'Cause after all
This city never sleeps at night

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
That I'm never changing who I am

As for changing who I am -- I've gone through so much positive growth in this relationship. And one of the things I've realized this year is that there are two main ways I feel loved: spending quality time with my partner and physical touch. Which means that when he moves back East, my man won't be able to provide those two things, and thus he isn't going to be able to be my man anymore:

This road never looked so lonely
This house doesn't burn down slowly
To ashes, to ashes

Yes, it's gonna hurt. It does hurt. I know I'm going to have to let him go. Part of me has known it since early on in our relationship, but I haven't wanted that to be true. And if there's an area of potential growth for me, it is in seeing and dealing with what is rather than what I want or thought or imagine to be the case. I've made a lot of progress on that, but my giant tax bill is a pretty good indication that I'm not quite there.

As for letting go, it's never easy. I get pretty dang attached to people. But I've done it before, so I know I can do it, and that I'll be ok. And I trust that ultimately, the universe will find a way of meeting all of my needs.