I Go Blind

This was my view all day Saturday and Sunday!

This is the song that came to me as I rode my bike to practice this morning:

Every time I look at you, I go blind.
Every time I look at you, I go blind.
In the mornin' I get up, and I try to
Feel alive, but I can't.
Every time I look at you, I go blind.
I don't know what it is.
Something in me just won't give me a chance.
I think it's that I feel more confused
By the deal love has shown me.
Little child, did you know that there's a light,
And it's gonna shine right through your eyes.
What do you think that life is like?

Every time I look at you, I go blind.
I go blind
Well some where over there there's a purpose,
There's a care for free
In me there's no body, no one plan,
No one stand to be free.
I think it's that because I have seen all the fuss
And it's no big deal. No big deal.
Hold me, hold me 'cause I want to get higher and higher,
Higher than life.

I can't really explain it, except to say that I was ecstatic to be home, to be on my bike, to be by myself, to be on my way to practice. And somehow that cues Hootie on my internal soundtrack?

I dunno.

I do know this: I love my kid, and I was happy to support him by heading to suburban Chicagoland for two days to watch him play soccer, but I was even happier when I crawled into my own bed last night and tucked my kids into theirs...

Gabriel's Oboe

The stage during the ABBA Montage

It's super rare that I mark a day with a song without lyrics, but this song was by far the most remarkable of all the songs I heard at my son's concert tonight.

Do yourself a favor and watch the video at least long enough to hear the oboe solo. At the concert at my son's school, the oboe was played by a member of the band who is a little person, which made the sound that came out of her -- of that instrument -- all the more impressive.

I almost didn't know what to do with the sound, and then I remembered the work I've been doing to open my heart. And I breathed the music in, encouraging it to penetrate the layers of protection that I have so carefully placed around my heart over the years...

Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes

You can't see it but there's a baby crane in this pic!

I heard this song a few days ago and thought about blogging about it, but didn't. And then I heard it again today -- probably the only two times I've heard it in the last year -- so it feels like I'm supposed to use it:

She's a rich girl
She don't try to hide it
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes

He's a poor boy
Empty as a pocket
Empty as a pocket with nothing to lose
Sing Ta na na
Ta na na na
She got diamonds on the soles of her shoes
She got diamonds on the soles of her shoes
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes

People say she's crazy
She got diamonds on the soles of her shoes
Well that's one way to lose these
Walking blues
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes

She was physically forgotten
Then she slipped into my pocket
With my car keys
She said you've taken me for granted
Because I please you
Wearing these diamonds

And I could say Oo oo oo
As if everybody knows
What I'm talking about
As if everybody would know
Exactly what I was talking about
Talking about diamonds on the soles of her shoes

She makes the sign of a teaspoon
He makes the sign of a wave
The poor boy changes clothes
And puts on after-shave
To compensate for his ordinary shoes

And she said honey take me dancing
But they ended up by sleeping
In a doorway
By the bodegas and the lights on
Upper Broadway
Wearing diamonds on the soles of their shoes

And I could say Oo oo oo
As if everybody here would know
What I was talking about

Love, love, love Springtime at the Capitol!

I mean everybody here would know exactly
What I was talking about
Talking about diamonds

People say I'm crazy
I got diamonds on the soles of my shoes
Well that's one way to lose
These walking blues
Diamonds on the soles of your shoes

Now I do not have diamonds on the soles of my shoes, but then again, I don't have the blues either. Not when there is so much beauty in this world:

Cranes!

Baby Cranes!

Tulips!

Oh my!

Before You Accuse Me

I can't super say why the internal jukebox started playing this song while I was mountain biking this morning, but it did:

Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself
Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself
You say I've been spending my money on other women
You've been taking money from someone else

I called your mama 'bout three or four nights ago
I called your mama 'bout three or four nights ago
Well your mother said "Son"
"Don't call my daughter no more"

Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself
Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself
You say I've been spending my money on other women
You've been taking money from someone else

Come back home baby, try my love one more time
Come back home baby, try my love one more time
If I don't go on and quit you
I'm gonna lose my mind

I'm pretty sure this song was playing in my head when I crashed -- and it was quite a crash. But I got right back up, hoping my bike would still work (it did), just in time to get out of the way of the dude behind me. My legs were shaky, my knee was skinned, and my back felt stiff, but otherwise, I seemed to be relatively unscathed.

Maybe that crash was the Universe's way of saying that I shouldn't still be singing that last verse, as tempting as it is when I'm doing one of the things I most enjoyed with my last lover. Because in truth, I don't want him to come back home.

I want to be with someone who is whole. And well. I've worked too hard to get there myself not to reap the benefits within the context of my romantic relationship. If I could just manage to stop protecting myself from further heartbreak, I could let that beautiful, whole, well person in. And I will. When I'm ready. I'm just making sure I've adequately prepared on my end...

My Country Tis Of Thee

Full moon today, and in the Ashtanga tradition, that means rest. It's not easy to take rest, when you are used to starting your day with a vigorous practice, but when I asked PJ how to deal with the rough feeling that can come on a day of rest, he suggested I do what he does: stay in bed most of the day.

So I decided to try it. Sans phone. Sans computer. Just rest. I also read -- finished my book, polished off a couple of issues of the New Yorker -- it was heaven. Later in the day, I did manage to get outside and garden, but I didn't leave home, and the only person I talked to was my neighbor.

It was glorious.

And I'll tell you what else was glorious: the article in the New Yorker about Aretha Franklin. Wow. She has not had an easy life, but dang, does she have a gift. Although I've blogged about this song already, if you haven't seen the video of her singing Natural Woman with the President crying in the background, it is well worth your time. So phenomenal.

Speaking of being moved to tears, patriotic songs like this one always do that to me, but with Aretha at the mic, well, I'm moved even more:

My country, 'tis of thee,
Sweet land of liberty,
Of thee I sing;
Land where my fathers died,
Land of the pilgrims' pride,
From ev'ry mountainside
Let freedom ring!

My native country, thee,
Land of the noble free,
Thy name I love;
I love thy rocks and rills,
Thy woods and templed hills;
My heart with rapture thrills,
Like that above.

Let music swell the breeze,
And ring from all the trees
Sweet freedom's song;
Let mortal tongues awake;
Let all that breathe partake;
Let rocks their silence break,
The sound prolong.

Our fathers' God to Thee,
Author of liberty,
To Thee we sing.
Long may our land be bright,
With freedom's holy light,
Protect us by Thy might,
Great God our King.

These songs always inspire me to keep trying to make good on these promises for all Americans. Also in the New Yorker was a story of the mentally ill in Florida prisons. I cannot abide treating human beings inhumanely, and I'm going to do what I can to change it. Call me a hug-a-thug (term from the article) if you must, but all people deserve to be treated with dignity.

After all, how can we expect more from others than we refuse to give of ourselves?

Wild One

It has been a long time since I've marked a day with a cheesy song heard at the gym, and there's a reason for that: I haven't been to any fitness classes at the gym in months. I do my practice, I ride my bike, and that's about it.

Today I decided it was time to get back to class. There's a pose I'm working on in my practice that is more about strength than flexibility, and that's what I've lost by not going to classes.

I'm not gonna lie, I feel much more like a wild one, and much more like myself, in the woods on my mountain bike. But my arms aren't going to get buff doing that, so I'm going to resign myself to make it more often to the classes where songs like this are used to motivate:

Hey I heard you were a wild one
Oooh
If I took you home
It'd be a home run
Show me how you do

I wanna shut down in the club
With you
Hey I heard you like the wild ones (wild ones wild ones)
Oooh

I like crazy, foolish, stupid
Party going wild, fist pumping music,
I might lose it
Glass to the roof, that how we do'z it (do'z it do'z it)
I don't care the night, she don't care we like
Almost dared the right vibe
Ready to get live, ain't no surprise
Take me so high, jumping nose dive
Surfing the crowd
Oooh
Said I gotta be the man
I'm the head of my band, mic check one two
Shut them down in the club while the playboy does it, and y'all get loose loose
After bottle, we all get bent and again tomorrow
Gotta break rules cause that's the motto
Club shuts down, a hundred super models

Hey I heard you were a wild one
Oooh
If I took you home
It'd be a home run
Show me how you do

I wanna shut down in the club
With you
Hey I heard you like the wild ones (wild ones wild ones)
Oooh

Party rocker, foot-show stopper
More Chambord
Number one, club popper
Got a hangover like too much vodka
Can't see me with ten binoculars
So cool
No doubt by the end of the night
Got the clothes coming off
Then I make that move
Somehow, someway, gotta raise the roof, roof
All black shades when the sun come through
Uh-Oh, it's on like everything goes
Round up baby tilt the freaky show

What happens to that body, it's a private show
Stays right here, private show
I like 'em untamed, don't tell me how pain
Tolerance, bottoms up with the champagne
My life, call my homie then we hit Spain
Do you busy with the bail, we get insane

I am a wild one
Break me in
Saddle me up and let's begin
I am a wild one
Tame me now
Running with wolves
And I'm on the prowl...

Heaven

Sweet supta kurmasana: how I've longed for you!

Here we are, day 5 of the cleanse. I'm no longer feeling angry (which is what always comes up when I take away my treats), I have more energy, and my body is feeling less stiff.

I had a tough, but important, conversation with my parents this morning, which involved lots of tears, and when I got to practice I suggested to my partner that we practice without talking. We're supposed to do that every day but when it is just the two of us, we tend to chat. I knew that, today in particular, I needed the medicine that comes from a real Ashtanga practice.

And what an amazing practice it was, in so many ways, not the least of which was FINALLY binding this posture that I have been working on for over a year. It is difficult to even describe the feeling I had when I managed to grab my hands at long last. It was pure, unadulterated joy. Heaven. Might not look comfy, but it felt like a miracle.

Hence today's song, chosen for its title, not necessarily its lyrics:

Our children will always hear
Romantic tales of distant years
Our guilty age may come and go
Our crooked dreams will always flow

Stick with me
Oh you're my best friend
All of my life
You've always been

Remember remember
All we fight for
Remember remember
All we fight for

Don't leave me
Oh you're my best friend
All of my life
You've always been
Don't leave me now
You're my best friend
All of my life
You've always been

Remember remember
All we fight for
Remember remember
All we fight for

In that moment, I didn't need to remember anything. I was the embodiment of all I've been fighting for all these years: healing, growth, flexibility, safety, surrender, strength. It's all in there!

Ready for Love

Day two today of an eight day cleanse, which I'm embarking on for a multitude of reasons, among them:

1) My diet has not been awesome lately, and as a result, my body has felt stiff and lethargic. I can still remember how incredible I felt when I did the Whole 30,  and I want to feel that way again.

2) I am knocking on the door of some poses I've been working on for a long time, and I know (from both my own experience and from my teachers) that cleansing will benefit my practice.

3) Relatedly and perhaps most importantly, I know that although I sometimes feel like I am, as today's song title suggests, ready for love, I also know that I still need to make some progress on loving myself. For me, this is a much less daunting task when I am taking great care of myself. Put another way: it doesn't work for me to hate on my body while saying I love myself.

Hit it Bad Company:

Walkin' down this rocky road
Wondering where my life is leadin'
Rollin' on to the bitter end
Finding out along the way
What it takes to keep love living
You should know how it feels, my friend

Ooh, I want you to stay
Ooh, I want you today

I'm ready for love
Oh baby, I'm ready for love
Ready for love
Oh baby, I'm ready for love

Now I'm on my feet again
Better things are bound to happen
All my dues surely must be paid
Many miles and many tears
Times were hard but now they're changing
You should know that I'm not afraid

Ooh, I want you to stay
Ooh, I want you today

I'm ready for love
Oh baby, I'm ready for love
I'm ready for love
Oh baby, I'm ready for love
Oh, for your love

The tricky part is, with diet and with self-love, to keep choosing what makes me feel good, inside and out, rather than succumbing to the many foods and drinks that take me down a less happy path...

Penelope

I feel super blessed to be at a place in my own healing and learning to share it with others, and one way I'm doing that these days is by starting a group at my daughter's middle school. The group is called Space for Peace, and our goal is to offer students who are sometimes disruptive and off-task in the classroom what they need: peace, acceptance, self-regulation skills, exhaling and all that good stuff.

I shared with them that I know how it is to live in a home where you always vigilant -- it is hard if not impossible to relax -- and that I know firsthand that when you come from a traumatic background, the path to peace has to come through body, because that's where the trauma is stored. One of our group members gave me a hug after the first week and said "I'm sorry you had a hard childhood."

"That's ok," I replied. "It helps me understand how to help other people better with theirs."

Today I had the good fortune of getting to see a fantastic documentary (called Paper Tigers) about an alternative high school that gets incredible results by implementing trauma-informed care practices.

One of the activities the teachers do with students is get together and play music - and this is one of the songs they played:

Oh Penelope

Are you filled with air

Swallowed oxygen

That makes you float up?

Is it Dropsy?

Will your lungs swell?

It's depressing me

To see you struggle

Oh Penelope

Are you filled with air

Swallowed oxygen

That makes you float up?

Is it Dropsy?

Will your lungs swell?

It's depressing me

To see you struggle

I'm treading water with my oars

Glass galleons anchored, ocean floors

I'm diving down with all my gear

In search of treasure, para me corazon

Take you to the forest

Let you feel the raindrops falling down

Seeping through your redscales

Eliminate the faucet

Eliminate the need for water

Replace it with a safe shell

Don't wanna see you floating upside down

On the top of the bowl when I

Come around to visit you

Don't wanna see you floating upside down

No girl

Need you there, Need you there, Need you there

Ooh Release that air

(I'm treading water with my oars 

Glass galeons anchored, ocean floors

I'm diving down with all my gear

In search of treasure, para me corazon)

Take you to the forest

Let you feel the raindrops falling down

Seeping through your redscales

Eliminate the faucet

Eliminate the need for water

Replace it with a safe shell

If they summon the rains now,

Are you gonna rise?

If they summon the rains now,

Are you gonna rise?

Beautiful song. Beautiful movie. Tough subject -- but the teachers deal with it beautifully. At one point the science teacher shares with the kids the ACE criteria (Adverse Childhood Experiences), and some of them have had (or are having) 7 adverse childhood experiences. This puts them at much higher risk for alcoholism, depression, joblessness, prison -- but there are interventions that work -- like having an adult who offers you unconditional love and support.

It is my hope that I can be that adult for some kids in need...

Forever in Blue Jeans

Heard this song (kitschy but also catchy and oh so classic!) this morning:

Money talks
But it don't sing and dance
And it don't walk
And long as I can have you
Here with me, I'd much rather be
Forever in blue jeans

Honey's sweet
But it ain't nothin' next to baby's treat
And if you pardon me
I'd like to say
We'll do okay
Forever in blue jeans

Maybe tonight
Maybe tonight, by the fire
All alone you and I
Nothing around
But the sound of my heart
And your sighs

And if you pardon me
I'd like to say
We'll do okay
Forever in blue jeans, babe
And long as I can have you
Here with me I'd much rather be
Forever in blue jeans, babe

And then checked to see if I had ever used it. Doing so made me stumble across this post from when my daughter was turning 8 and another Neil song was playing -- today she turns 13!

One of the things I love about this blog is getting to revisit how I felt several years ago -- sometimes it's not pretty but it does help me see how I've grown. Five years ago, I couldn't stand the thought of my kids growing up. I was desperate to have another baby to prolong the kid years and have the do-over that I was feeling like I needed because the of the way my life turned out.

Today I am happy to say that I am celebrating, along with my daughter, this milestone of becoming a teenager, with no regrets...

Soul to Squeeze

Celebrating mother's day with my sister and kids

Heard this song on the way home from my son's soccer game today, which happened to be near my sister's house, so we got to have a little mother's day celebration too:

I got a bad disease,
Up from my brain is where I bleed.
In sanity it seems,
Is got me by my soul to squeeze.
Well all the love from me,
With all these dying trees I scream.
The Angels in my dreams,
have turned to demons of greed,
That's me.

Where I go I just don't know,
I got to, got to, gotta take it slow.
When I find my peace of mind,
I'm gonna give you some of my good time.

Today loves smile on me,
It took away my pain, said please
All that you ride is free,
You gotta let it be,
Oh ya.

Where I go I just don't know,
I got to, gotta, gotta take it slow.
When I find my peace of mind,
I'm gonna give you some of my good time.

You're so polite indeed,
Well I got everything I need.
Oh make my days a breeze,
And take away my self destruction.

It's bitter baby,
And it's very sweet.
I'm on a rollercoaster,
but I'm on my feet.
Take me to the river,
Let me on your shore.
I be coming back baby,
I be coming back for more.

Doo doo doo doo dingle zing a dong bone,
ba-di ba-da ba-zumba crunga cong gone bad,
like an apple gift but i went out and never said my pleasures
I'm much better but I won't regret it never

Where I go I just don't know,
I got to, got to, gotta take it slow.
When I find my peace of mind,
I'm gonna give you some of my good time.

Might seem like a strange anthem for Mother's day, but I actually think it works, because it wasn't until I found my peace of mind that I could really fully settle into giving my kids my time. Super grateful to be there now, soaking up these last few years with my babies at home!

Don't Give Up On Me

My new mountain biking partner in crime

It was a long, long road riding my mountain bike alone after the New Englander left, a road (or a path) upon which many tears were shed. But today I am happy to say I got to go riding with a friend (a friend who practices Ashtanga with me, no less!), and it was sooooooooooo nice!

I took her to Kettle Moraine -- she'd never been -- and it was a perfect day weather wise. It felt great to be out there, and great to be leading, really, really great.

And then I got home, and I got in the tub, and this song came on:

If I fall short, if I don't make the grades
If your expectations aren't met in me today
There is always tomorrow, or tomorrow night
Hang in there baby, sooner or later
I know I'll get it right

Please, don't give up on me
Oh please don't give up on me
I know it's late, late in the game
But my feelings, my true feelings
Haven't changed
Here in my heart

I know, I know I was wrong, wrong wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong
I'd like to make amends for the love that I never, ever, ever, ever shown
Just don't give up on me, every word is true

I'll give you my everything, all of my love, all of my love, all of my love love love
Just don't give up on me
Oh please, please, please
Don't give up on me

I don't want you to
I know it's late, but wait, please, please, please, please
Don't give up on me
Promise, will you promise, will you promise me
Please don't give up on me

We can make it if we try
I'm gonna hold on, hold on with me
And don't give up on me, oh-ooh, -oohohoooh -baby
Oh baby, Oh baby, please, don't-give-up-on-me
Whatever you do, we gonna make it, gonna make it through
Don't you give up on me, please, please, please... Promise me
Don't-give-up-on-me

To which I say, hmmmm Universe, interesting song choice. Beautiful, but interesting. It's not a song about celebrating new beginnings. It's not a song about moving on. It's a song about not giving up on the person who has wronged you but still loves you.

Very. Interesting. Choice.

But here's the thing: I'm playing around right now with the mantra "I already have everything I need."

Strictly speaking, I know that it is true. I have air to breathe, clean water to drink, food to eat, and love all around me. I even have a new mountain biking partner. So I'm just going to let the song play, and let it mark the day, without creating any kind of story around it, other than my mantra:

"I already have everything I need."

Indeed I do...

My Love

This afternoon after watching my daughter play soccer and then having coffee with a friend, I treated myself (and my sore knee) to a bath and a movie. The movie was Before We Go -- something I stumbled across on Netflix. It wasn't a terrific movie in a lot of ways, but it was about love, and y'all know that's one of my favorite subjects.

I liked what it had to say about love, which I would roughly summarize as love is messy, sometimes it makes fools of us, sometimes it enrages us, but it's always, always, always worth fighting for. I share this belief, but in a couple, you need two -- both -- to really be in it, willing to fight for it. And if you don't have that, well, the movie also suggested that it was possible to move on and find love again with someone else.

I believe this is possible. I believe it will happen to me. And in the meantime, I'm now able to talk, as I did this afternoon at coffee, about the love I experienced and lost in this post-divorce phase of my life, without crying. It's ok that it happened the way that it did. I'm ok. I really am. This is true.

It is also true that when I watch a romantic movie, as I did this afternoon, and I let myself, I feel my heart breaking open all over again. It still physically hurts, this loss, when I let myself go there. It amazes me how powerful the feeling remains.

But today, amidst the sobbing in the bathtub, I felt something else, too. Something new. Something reassuring: I felt my heart expand with each sob. Like it has had to contract to hold that pain in, and in releasing it, I am making space. Not just figuratively, or emotionally, but physically.

And I am grateful for that. So grateful. Because if that love taught me anything it taught me just how worthwhile it is to love someone fully, bravely, vulnerably, and I intend to do it again. And hopefully soon, now that I'm halfway to 50(!). Not that I'm in a hurry, but now seems like as good a time as any.

I heard this song tonight. It's about love. And it's beautiful. And that makes it pretty darn perfect to mark this day:

There's nothing more that I would have that I could need
Cause having this means that I've got it all
When I was taking turns and you were wrong for me
You chose to understand and let it go

And ohhh
You've turned this black heart made it into gold
So I wanna let you know that

My love and my touch, up above is made with the warmth of my,
My love and my touch, up above is made with the warmth of my love
Looovve

Control is such an open-ended word for me
Something that I used to think I owned
I'm standing here with none, I'm feeling so complete
You helped me understand to let it go

And ohhh
You've turned this black heart made it into gold
So I wanna let you know that

My love and my touch, up above is made with the warmth of my,
My love and my touch, up above is made with the warmth of my
My love and my touch, up above is made with the warmth of my,
My love and my touch, up above is made with the warmth of my love

Stay close to me, love
Stay close to me, yeah, love
Stay close to me, love

Or don't, but if you decide not to, please let me go so that someone else can...