Bittersweet Me

The ultimate Bittersweet me tree: A Dogwood

One of the many things I love about my new (to me) car is that its radio is smarter than the one in my old one -- it knows what song is playing and who is singing it. Gone are the days of having to hope the DJ would reveal this information.

I knew, of course, the artist of this song, but never the title:

I move across, innocence lost
All flashing pulsar
I move across the earth in my new pattern shirt
I pass satellites
"You're so bitter, " your complaint
I can't give you anything
I don't know who you're living for
I don't who you are anymore
I'd sooner chew my leg off
Than be trapped in this
How easy you think of all of this as bittersweet me

I couldn't taste it
I'm tired and naked
I don't know what I'm hungry for
I don't know what I want anymore

I feel you Michael. It sometimes feels like I don't know what I want anymore either. Over the past year, year and a half, I've been through some major changes, and one of the biggest shifts is my ability to be honest with myself about what's going on. What's been going on, in my relationship, hasn't felt right for a while, but I haven't known what to do about it.

Under these circumstances, I had a tendency to do what I have always done: try to control it into working. Here's another big change in me over this period of time: I FINALLY get it that that doesn't work. It was hard to discern this for a while in part because my man is so willing to do what I ask, the problem is, the kind of changes I see as needed are not the kind that I can initiate or guide.

So I have to let go. Let go of the certainty we were working with that when my daughter graduates from high school, we'll move away from Madison together and live our lives together. That feels anything but certain these days. I don't know what will happen with us.

And thus, these learnings of which I speak, have led to a bittersweet me:

I move across, candy floss
I move like a tank
I move across the room with a heart full of gloom
I'm stronger than you think
Oh, my peer, your veneer
Is wearing thin and cracking
The surface informs the underneath
The underneath is lacking
I'd sooner chew my leg off
Than be trapped in this
How easy you think of all of this as bittersweet me

I couldn't taste it
I'm tired and naked
I don't know what I'm hungry for
I don't know what I want anymore

You move across, innocence lost
All static and desire
You're blue in the face from navel gaze
You set yourself on fire
You strip down and lay yourself out
I know you can't fake it
But are you tired and naked?
Oh, are you tired and naked?
I'd sooner chew my leg off
Than be trapped in this
How easy you think of all of this as bittersweet me

I couldn't taste it
I'm tired and naked
I don't know what I'm hungry for
I don't know what I want anymore
I couldn't taste it

I'm tired and naked
I don't know what I'm hungry for
I don't know what I want anymore
I couldn't taste it

I'm tired and naked
I don't know what I'm hungry for
I don't know what I want anymore

A note about the Dogwood -- we had one in our front yard growing up. Seeing them definitely makes for a bittersweet me...

Forever in Blue Jeans

Heard this song (kitschy but also catchy and oh so classic!) this morning:

Money talks
But it don't sing and dance
And it don't walk
And long as I can have you
Here with me, I'd much rather be
Forever in blue jeans

Honey's sweet
But it ain't nothin' next to baby's treat
And if you pardon me
I'd like to say
We'll do okay
Forever in blue jeans

Maybe tonight
Maybe tonight, by the fire
All alone you and I
Nothing around
But the sound of my heart
And your sighs

And if you pardon me
I'd like to say
We'll do okay
Forever in blue jeans, babe
And long as I can have you
Here with me I'd much rather be
Forever in blue jeans, babe

And then checked to see if I had ever used it. Doing so made me stumble across this post from when my daughter was turning 8 and another Neil song was playing -- today she turns 13!

One of the things I love about this blog is getting to revisit how I felt several years ago -- sometimes it's not pretty but it does help me see how I've grown. Five years ago, I couldn't stand the thought of my kids growing up. I was desperate to have another baby to prolong the kid years and have the do-over that I was feeling like I needed because the of the way my life turned out.

Today I am happy to say that I am celebrating, along with my daughter, this milestone of becoming a teenager, with no regrets...

Return to Innocence

I had a not very fun experience today that I recognize as an opportunity to grow, but it doesn't make it any more comfortable.

I was just talking with my therapist about my tendency at times to try to morph into what I think other people want me to be. This doesn't lead to good places. It's the opposite of me standing in my power and seeing what comes, which is what I've been trying, as much as I can, to do. And succeeding, much of the time.

The problem is, as this experience shows me, I don't necessarily get any warning before I slide right out of my power and into justifying and morphing mode. There are signs that it is happening, but as it was happening yesterday, I didn't know how to come out of it.

I'm trying to be gentle with myself, but often what accompanies this sort of experience is agitation and anxiety, making it difficult to remain calm, fall asleep, stay asleep, etc.

In the midst of my churning, this song came to me:

Love, devotion
Love, devotion
Feeling, emotion
Feeling, emotion

Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart, my friend
That will be the return to yourself

Yep, that's what I'm in the process of doing, but what I saw yesterday was how quickly I'm still capable of leaving myself.

The return to innocence

And if you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself, don't hide
Just believe in destiny

Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence

That's not the beginning, it's the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence

Yes it is. It's not comfortable, but it's so important for me to keep working on all of this. I know that I have an incredible mind and a big heart and all kinds of skills that can make the world a better place. I just need to keep working to scaffold my experiences so that I have the best chance of staying in my own power, and my experience today can help me identify ways to do that...

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

After my 90 days of yoga experiment, I made a commitment to myself to stay with my practice as much as possible. Specifically, one of my weekly fitness goals is four hours of practicing yoga, and this means that sometimes I have to practice even when I don't feel like it. I know this is the point of discipline, and I know that it has a purpose, but I also know it can be extremely uncomfortable.

The other day during a particularly hard practice, our pet rabbit pooped on my mat. Yep, I told her, that's exactly how I'm feeling about being here today. My body felt really stiff, so stiff it was hard to do the poses. Eventually, as often happens, I had an opening, in the form of tears, and I experience a much-needed release.

Not so today. I didn't want to practice, I fought it every step of the way, but I did it. For 60 minutes. But I never reached the point of any release, which felt particularly difficult.

Speaking of things that feel difficult, I've recently reconnected with the man I spent three years loving and the last six months trying to get over, which has caused me to reflect on that six months. I remember feeling like I might die if I didn't get to be with him, that I might die if he were to be with someone else. (I'm not being dramatic, I'm trying to explain the strength and depth of my feelings about this.)

But I didn't die. Instead, I emerged with the understanding that there are things I settled for in my last relationship that I'm not going to settle for again, whether with him or with someone else. And I reached a point where I knew I was going to be ok, with him or without him, even if he ends up with someone else.

Kelly Clarkson's wildly overplayed song seems to be the one to mark this day, though it's not a perfect fit by any means. Because while I remember times I sang these words over the last six months with the same bitterness in my voice that she has in hers:

You know the bed feels warmer
Sleeping here alone
You know I dream in color
And do the things I want

And while I do recognize that there are some perks to being single, I'm not going to go all the way to saying the bed feels warmer sleeping alone. It most definitely does not.

But I do think she has a point with her chorus -- it certainly is true of the growth that came for me from a devastating breakup:

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over 'cause you're gone

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

I'm mostly ok with being alone. I'm only lonely once in a while. But as I contemplate the year about to begin, I'm not feeling like I'll be spending so much time alone...