Oxford Comma

The (nearly) 46 year old birthday girl!

My friend helped me kickoff my birthday week in style with a delicious dinner at Field Table.

It was lovely and we noted that the tunes were more from our era than our waitress's, who was wearing a Vampire Weekend Tshirt.

"I'm pretty sure that's a band," I told my friend, and then I came home and looked it up.

Sure enough! And a fun one at that. Here's a little sample:

Who gives a fuck about an Oxford comma?
I've seen those English dramas too
They're cruel
So if there's any other way
To spell the word
It's fine with me, with me

Why would you speak to me that way
Especially when I always said that I
Haven't got the words for you
All your diction dripping with disdain
Through the pain
I always tell the truth

Who gives a fuck about an Oxford comma?
I climbed to Dharamsala too
I did
I met the highest lama
His accent sounded fine
To me, to me

Check your handbook
It's no trick
Take the chapstick
Put it on your lips
Crack a smile
Adjust my tie
Know your boyfriend, unlike other guys

Why would you lie about how much coal you have?
Why would you lie about something dumb like that?
Why would you lie about anything at all?
First the window, then it's to the wall
Lil' Jon, he always tells the truth

Check your passport
It's no trick
Take the chapstick
Put it on your lips
Crack a smile
Adjust my tie
Know your butler, unlike other guys
Why would you lie about how much coal you have?
Why would you lie about something dumb like that?
Why would you lie about anything at all?
First the window, then it's through the wall
Why would you tape my conversations?
Show your paintings
At the United Nations
Lil' Jon, he always tells the truth

I love discovering new music!

Forever in Blue Jeans

Heard this song (kitschy but also catchy and oh so classic!) this morning:

Money talks
But it don't sing and dance
And it don't walk
And long as I can have you
Here with me, I'd much rather be
Forever in blue jeans

Honey's sweet
But it ain't nothin' next to baby's treat
And if you pardon me
I'd like to say
We'll do okay
Forever in blue jeans

Maybe tonight
Maybe tonight, by the fire
All alone you and I
Nothing around
But the sound of my heart
And your sighs

And if you pardon me
I'd like to say
We'll do okay
Forever in blue jeans, babe
And long as I can have you
Here with me I'd much rather be
Forever in blue jeans, babe

And then checked to see if I had ever used it. Doing so made me stumble across this post from when my daughter was turning 8 and another Neil song was playing -- today she turns 13!

One of the things I love about this blog is getting to revisit how I felt several years ago -- sometimes it's not pretty but it does help me see how I've grown. Five years ago, I couldn't stand the thought of my kids growing up. I was desperate to have another baby to prolong the kid years and have the do-over that I was feeling like I needed because the of the way my life turned out.

Today I am happy to say that I am celebrating, along with my daughter, this milestone of becoming a teenager, with no regrets...

Best Part of Me

This sweet little babe is me a mere 45 years ago!

On this, the day I start my next trip around the sun, I am feeling incredibly blessed. For a lot of reasons, but one most of all: I am such a lucky mama.

Not only did my kids bust out a solo trip to Target in the family wagon to get birthday preparations on Friday night (while I sat nervously awaiting their return on the couch -- this was the first time the two of them left in the car together), making it possible for them to cook me a blueberry chocolate chip pancake birthday brunch and shower me with gifts, but they also both wrote me long, heartfelt birthday letters.

Their letters expressed their gratitude for me as their mother, which is awesome and feels great, but they also expressed the extent to which they both see and appreciate me as a human being. I was deeply moved by what they both wrote and felt incredibly validated for the area of my life where I have been able to place the most attention lately: my kids.

I know that this song is written for a lover, and in that way it's not exactly appropriate, but my children are indeed the best part of me, and what's more, they help me see the best part of me, and that is such a gift:

Birthday celebration, complete with kids!

I want you to know the best part of me
I want you to feel my heart and life's harmony
Even I know sometimes it's hard to see
That I'm nothing without you
And I can't breathe without you

I want you to know that life's on our side
And when I'm alone you're still on my mind
Knowing myself I can no longer hide
'Cause I'm nothing without you
And I can't breathe without you

I want you to know the best part of me
I want you to feel my heart and life's harmony
Even I know sometimes it's hard to see
That I'm nothing without you
And I can't breathe without you

I also felt incredibly fortunate to get to have a birthday dinner out this year that included both my kids and some of my dearest friends (and their kids). It was a beautiful celebration and it felt awesome to integrate those two aspects of my life to a greater extent.

I have a feeling being 45 is going to be pretty great!

Juke Box Hero

When I was setting off this afternoon on my run, I decided to go in a little different direction on Slacker -- 80's hits. When this song came on, I felt compelled to sing along:

Standing in the rain, with his head hung low
Couldn't get a ticket, it was a sold out show
Heard the roar of the crowd, he could picture the scene
Put his ear to the wall, then like a distant scream

He heard one guitar, just blew him away
He saw stars in his eyes, and the very next day
Bought a beat up six string in a secondhand store
Didn't know how to play it, but he knew for sure

That one guitar, felt good in his hands
Didn't take long, to understand
Just one guitar, slung way down low
Was one way ticket, only one way to go

So he started rockin'
Ain't never gonna stop
Gotta keep on rockin'
Someday he's gonna make it to the top

And be a juke box hero, got stars in his eyes
He's a juke box hero
He took one guitar, juke box hero, stars in his eyes
Juke box hero, he'll come alive tonight

Running by a bunch of college kids, I couldn't help but think about the fact that none of them had even been born when this song came out in 1981. Which also means I'm closer to the age of their Mothers than I am to theirs. Which isn't really good or bad, it's just weird, because I so distinctly remember my days roaming the campus as an undergrad:

In a town without a name, in a heavy downpour
Thought he passed his own shadow, by the backstage door
Like a trip through the past, to that day in the rain
And that one guitar made his whole life change

Now he needs to keep rockin'
He just can't stop
Gotta keep on rockin'
That boy has got to stay on top

And be a juke box hero, got stars in his eyes
He's a juke box hero, got stars in his eyes
Yeah, juke box hero, got stars in his eyes
With that one guitar he'll come alive
Come alive tonight

Running the 7 miles from the Capitol to Picnic Point and back, I felt a lot of gratitude. To be able to run that far, even if I had to do it a little slowly and stiffly, to live in a place with such scenic runs right outside my home and work, to be able to return from a windy run to a shower and sauna at the gym...

Afterward, I met my babydaddy and my kids -- one of whom will be 11 tomorrow -- for a sushi birthday dinner. Again, I felt very grateful. For my daughter, her brother, the fact that we could all comfortably eat out together. There's no doubt that there are things about my life that are not as I would like them to be, but there's also so much for which I am profoundly grateful...

Things Can Only Get Better

I took the day off from work today so I could take it easy on my birthday. I signed up for a yoga class, and biked over to the studio only to find that I didn't have my usual amount of energy. Could have been the doughnuts my coworkers treated me to yesterday -- could've been the margarita I treated myself to last night -- I'm not really sure.

In any case, at one point I looked at the clock and it read 10:42. The class ended at 11am. 18 minutes. I can do 18 more minutes, I thought. I'm nothing if not resilient. I've got that going for me.

I made it through, of course, and as is so often the case when difficulties present themselves, I also gained something from the experience. At some point during the class, I started a mantra with my breathing -- connection (as I inhaled), letting go (as I exhaled). And I kept doing that. Even though it was hard, because I both want and don't want both of those things. Both present their challenges, but one is not possible without the other.

Lying in savasana at the end of class, continuing with my new mantra, tears started to roll down my cheeks as I recognized the fleeting nature of connection and the necessity of letting go. It would seem, it occurred to me, that if I'm craving more connection, which I am, I need to do more letting go.

As I rode away from the studio toward my breakfast sandwich, this song from Howard Jones filled my mind. It seems he's contemplated something much like my mantra and come to the same conclusion:

We're not scared to lose it all
Security throw through the wall
Future dreams we have to realize
A thousand skeptic hands
Won't keep us from the things we plan
Unless we're clinging to the things we prize

And do you feel scared, I do
But I won't stop and falter
And if we threw it all away
Things can only get better

Whoa whoa whoa-oh-oh whoa-whoa whoa-oh-oh
(Whoa whoa whoa-oh-oh whoa-whoa whoa-oh-oh)
Whoa whoa whoa-oh-oh whoa-whoa whoa-oh-oh
(Whoa whoa whoa-oh-oh whoa-whoa whoa-oh-oh)

Treating today as though it was
The last, the final show
Get to sixty and feel no regret
It may take a little time
A lonely path, an uphill climb
Success or failure will not alter it

And do you feel scared, I do
And I won't stop and falter
And if we threw it all away
Things can only get better...

Birthdays are always a time for taking stock, and this one's no different. It's just that what I needed to take stock of is so damn hard to face. You see, the man I've loved for nearly four years has a pattern of withdrawal, I believe as a result of untreated depression and anxiety. I knew when we met that he was in need of some therapy to deal with childhood wounds, but I didn't know, really until today, that he wasn't going to get that help, and therefore we are not going to make it.

A rough realization on one's birthday to say the least, but, as Howard promised, things did get better (in terms of celebrating my birth) when I picked up my kids:

We cooked up a couple of delicious homemade pizzas...

And enjoyed this awesome cake my son made. I win!