Just Between You and Me

These crazy kids met 9 years ago today

I'm not sure when it happened, exactly. I don't remember hearing this song recently:

Time and time again I see
A love that seemed strong was not meant to be
Broken hearts don't always mend
Left too unsure to try love again

But, just between you and me
Baby, I know our love will be
Just between you and me
Always I know our love will be
Just between you and me

Lovers often seem to say
Hearts can be blind to love gone astray
Always it's the same old song
Someone's been hurt by a love that's gone wrong

Just between you and me
Baby, I know our love will be
Just between you and me
Always I know our love will be
Just between you
Just between you and me

Words are sometimes hard to find
The silence can be so unkind
You always help me find my way
The love that we share grows stronger each day

Just between you and me
Baby, I know our love will be
Just between you and me
Always I know our love will be
Seulement entre toi et moi
Means that our love will always be
Just between you and me
Baby, I know our love will be
Just between you
Just between you and me

But I keep hearing it in my head.

And I'm finding it reassuring. Because even though we are splitting up, the love we shared will always be just between him and me...

Have You Ever Seen the Rain?

I was all excited when the new season of Big Little Lies was released. Love that show! Great writing, great acting, great setting, stylistically gorgeous... It's got it all.

The vow renewal on the beach was so freaking beautiful -- I just hope they, especially the Reese Witherspoon character, can live up to her promises. Seems like she's got a better shot this time around, having almost lost her husband after cheating on him.

But what do I know? I am definitely no expert on marriages or relationships with men in general.

I am, however, an expert in choosing songs to mark days, or in this case, seasons of TV shows, and this classic number wins hands down:

Someone told me long ago
There's a calm before the storm
I know!
It's been comin' for sometime
When it's over, so they say
It'll rain on a sunny day

I know!
Shining down like water
I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain?
I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain
Comin' down on a sunny day?

Yesterday and days before
Sun is cold and rain is hard

I know!
Been that way for all my time
'Til forever on it goes

Through the circle fast and slow
I know!
It can't stop, I wonder
I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain?
I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain
Comin' down on a sunny day?

Yeah!
I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain?
I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain
Comin' down on a sunny day?

I have indeed...

Shattered Dreams

Darn, can't see the crazy eyebrows in this hot pic

The theme continues of this in-between place the New Englander and I are in and how freaking hard it is...

Tonight's installment:

During sex, this song came up on the inner ipod, right after I'd cried about how I wouldn't see his eyebrows turn all white and crazy as I'd expected I would:

So much for your promises
They died the day you let me go
Caught up in a web of lies
But it was just too late to know

I thought it was you
Who would stand by my side
And now you've given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart

You said you'd die for me,
Woke up to reality
And found the future not so bright

I dreamt the impossible
That maybe things could work out right
I thought it was you
Who would do me no wrong

But now you've given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart

To be fair, we've given each other shattered dreams.

And my heart, it's so far from empty -- it's full of gratitude for this love...

Best Part Of Me

My fam laughing nervously at my antics with the Buffalo

I'm not sure why, but google keeps suggesting I listen to certain songs. Did I somehow give the impression that I take requests for this blog? I dunno.

Here's today's selection:

My lungs are black, my heart is pure
My hands are scarred from nights before
And my hair is thinnin', falling out
Of all the wrong places
I am a little insecure

My eyes are crossed, but they're still blue
I bite my nails and tell the truth
I go from thin to overweight
Oh day to day it fluctuates
My skin is inked, but faded too

But she loves me, she loves me
Why the hell she love me
When she could have anyone else?
Oh you love me, you love me
Why the hell do you love me?
'Cause I don't even love myself

Baby, the best part of me is you
And lately everything's making sense too
Oh baby, I'm so in love with you

I overthink and still forgive
I lose my phone and place my bets
And I never catch the train on time
Always thirty minutes behind
Your worries ain't seen nothin' yet

But you love me, you love me
Why the hell you love me so
When you could have anyone else?
Yeah yeah, he loves me, he loves me
And I bet he never lets me go
And shows me ,how to love myself

'Cause, baby, the best part of me is you, woah
Lately everything's making sense too
Baby, I'm so in love with you
(With you)

Baby, the best part of me is you, woah
Lately everything's making sense too
Oh baby, I'm so in love with you

Baby, I'm so in love with you, yeah, yeah
Oh baby, I'm so in love with you

I'd never heard it before. It's pretty lovely, and part of it feels apropos of the situation in which my man and I find ourselves. Because one of the enemies of our harmony, though not the only one, was his sense that he wasn't deserving.

Anyway, on the subject of the best part of me, one of the reasons my kids and I are going to miss him so much is he is, in many ways, saner, more relaxed, funnier, and cooler than I am.

The photo above is a case in point -- when we were at Custer State Park, I wanted to get as close to the Buffalo as I could. I would've liked to give one a big ol' hug and kiss. I didn't, of course, because safety and wild animals and valuing my life. But I did get closer than my family, and closer than they were comfortable with...

I Don't Wanna Live Without Your Love

I think this place is called Hartman Creek? Swimming felt good

This past weekend, my man and I traveled to Medford, Wisconsin for my 30th high school reunion. That was a whole thing, which I wrote about separately from the blog -- you can check it out here.

We left home on Saturday morning and came back on Sunday night. In between, we went mountain biking a couple of times, one of which was super awesome, at Standing Rock State Park. Although we got there mid-morning, it was a nearly three hour ride and by the time we were done we were hot as hell.

So we drove around for a while and ended up at Hartman Creek State Park. It felt awesome to get in the water! And we topped it off with a Snickers ice cream cone -- what could be better?

I guess it was the fact that we shared some good times doing things we like to do together that made me hear this song in my head, in the middle of the night, not once but twice:

Thought it wouldn't matter
If we didn't stay together,
And if it was over,
Maybe it was for the better.
I was thinking I'd be alright,
'til I thought it all through.
Now I know that I ain't really living
If I have to live without you.

I don't wanna live without your love,
I don't wanna face the night alone.
I could never make it through my life
If I had to make it on my own.
I don't wanna love nobody else,
I don't wanna find somebody new.
I don't wanna live without your love,
I just wanna live my life with you.

Guess I had to go away,
So much I had to go through.
Guess I had to lose you
To realize how much I love you.
Can we make the fire burn again,
Burn a little stronger?
'Cause I've been alone, and baby,
I can't be alone now any longer.

I don't wanna live without your love,
I don't wanna face the night alone.
I could never make it through my life
If I had to make it on my own.
I don't wanna love nobody else,
I don't wanna find somebody new.
I don't wanna live without your love,
I just wanna live my life with you.

Oh, if I had to make it on my own,
My life would never be the same,
My love would never be the same.
I don't wanna live without your love.

I'm not gonna lie. There are times when I feel way.

Well kids, I do have to make it on my own, and I shall.
My life will not be the same, it will be better. More peaceful.
My love won't be the same, because it'll be matched by someone with whom I can live in harmony.
And I won't live without the New Englander's love. Not really. It will change forms, but I learned a long time ago you can't cut the golden thread of love.

Not ever...

Keep Me In Your Heart

The New Englander texted me this morning about this song making him feel emotional:

Shadows are falling and I'm running out of breath
Keep me in your heart for awhile

If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for awhile

When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for awhile

There's a train leaving nightly called when all is said and done
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sometimes when you're doing simple things
around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile

You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on
your blouse
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you

Engine driver's headed north to Pleasant Stream
Keep me in your heart for awhile

These wheels keep turning but they're running out
of steam
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Keep me in your heart for awhile

I get that. It's a sad one, especially facing up to this breakup.

And I will keep him in my heart, but not like I did during the last breakup. The last time, I felt convinced that he would find his way back to me, and that we would ride off into the sunset together.

One out of two ain't bad?

I know I make light of this situation at times and I know it makes some people around me uncomfortable, but I have to do what I can to get through this period where we're broken up but we still live together. It's really fucking hard. There are lots of reasons why I, we, thought it was a good idea, but that doesn't make it any easier.

So this time, I will keep him in my heart in that I will always love the human being that he is.

To do so, I will move him out of the spot in my heart that's reserved for the love of my life (whom I'm now pretty convinced I haven't yet met) and into the favorite people on the planet section.

It hurts, but I can do it. I know I can. The process has already begun...

Unknown Legend

Riding my bike after practice today, I heard this song in my head, from one of my very favorite voices:

She used to work in a diner
Never saw a woman look finer
I used to order just to watch
her float across the floor
She grew up in a small town
Never put her roots down
Daddy always kept movin',
so she did too

In particular, these next two lines are the ones that were on repeat:

Somewhere on a desert highway
She rides a Harley-Davidson
Her long blonde hair
flyin' in the wind
She's been runnin' half her life
The chrome and steel she rides
Collidin' with
the very air she breathes
The air she breathes

I'm focusing right now, as much as I can on simple things like breathing, during this in-between time that ain't easy at all:

You know it ain't easy
You got to hold on
She was an unknown legend
in her time
Now she's dressin' two kids
Lookin' for a magic kiss
She gets the far-away look
in her eyes

Lucky for me, my kids don't require dressin' anymore. They are beautiful, fully formed people with a strong sense of who they are, who they want to be, and just as important, who they don't want to be.

Meanwhile, nearly five decades into this life, I'm continuing to develop my own sense of that. I think the pull for me, coming from the family I did, to put my man first, is not to be underestimated. As one of my yoga teachers said: "I don't think you knew there was another option."

Indeed I didn't, but I do now. Now I choose to value my own peace of mind and heart over any man's, including one I love dearly.

And I choose to do what makes me happy -- riding my bike, going to yoga, and listening to Neil in my head:

Somewhere on a desert highway
She rides a Harley-Davidson
Her long blonde hair
flyin' in the wind
She's been runnin' half her life
The chrome and steel she rides
Collidin' with the very
air she breathes
The air she breathes

Badass Woman

Today I went to the Women in Leadership symposium, and the keynote speaker starting talking about the sexual assault she survived in her childhood. I watched while people around me started to squirm uncomfortably, grateful that this woman had the courage to share her story. She talked about how it took away her joy, and her personal agency, and how she got it back. It wasn't perfectly told to serve as a keynote at this particular conference -- the ties to leadership were not really made -- but I think we have to start somewhere with talking about the sexual assault that keeps so many people from shining with their whole selves and what can be done about it.

This woman's story was that in order to be at peace with what happened to her, she had to go back to the scene where it happened and face her fear. How this helped her remember the joy she embodied before the assault, and what it might look like to reclaim it. She also talked about how empowering it was for her, when this same man was accused of a crime, to tell her story in order to round out the picture of who this man was so that he did not get released prematurely. How the combination of these two things helped her reclaim her life.

How her theme song is Badass Woman:

I’m a badass woman (Ooh)
What’s wrong with that?
Can’t hold me back
Yeah, I’m a badass woman
Just made like that
But I’m proud of that
‘Cause I’m a badass woman

Never second guess me
‘Cause, baby, I’m the boss
Don’t underestimate me
‘Cause I’m the one in charge

I am smarter than you give me credit for
And I’m way stronger than I ever been before
I’m a force of nature that you can’t ignore
You can’t ignore, you can’t ignore no more

As for me, I'm still working on telling my story. I'm still discovering what it takes to reclaim my joy.

And my theme song is everchanging...