Best Part Of Me

My fam laughing nervously at my antics with the Buffalo

I'm not sure why, but google keeps suggesting I listen to certain songs. Did I somehow give the impression that I take requests for this blog? I dunno.

Here's today's selection:

My lungs are black, my heart is pure
My hands are scarred from nights before
And my hair is thinnin', falling out
Of all the wrong places
I am a little insecure

My eyes are crossed, but they're still blue
I bite my nails and tell the truth
I go from thin to overweight
Oh day to day it fluctuates
My skin is inked, but faded too

But she loves me, she loves me
Why the hell she love me
When she could have anyone else?
Oh you love me, you love me
Why the hell do you love me?
'Cause I don't even love myself

Baby, the best part of me is you
And lately everything's making sense too
Oh baby, I'm so in love with you

I overthink and still forgive
I lose my phone and place my bets
And I never catch the train on time
Always thirty minutes behind
Your worries ain't seen nothin' yet

But you love me, you love me
Why the hell you love me so
When you could have anyone else?
Yeah yeah, he loves me, he loves me
And I bet he never lets me go
And shows me ,how to love myself

'Cause, baby, the best part of me is you, woah
Lately everything's making sense too
Baby, I'm so in love with you
(With you)

Baby, the best part of me is you, woah
Lately everything's making sense too
Oh baby, I'm so in love with you

Baby, I'm so in love with you, yeah, yeah
Oh baby, I'm so in love with you

I'd never heard it before. It's pretty lovely, and part of it feels apropos of the situation in which my man and I find ourselves. Because one of the enemies of our harmony, though not the only one, was his sense that he wasn't deserving.

Anyway, on the subject of the best part of me, one of the reasons my kids and I are going to miss him so much is he is, in many ways, saner, more relaxed, funnier, and cooler than I am.

The photo above is a case in point -- when we were at Custer State Park, I wanted to get as close to the Buffalo as I could. I would've liked to give one a big ol' hug and kiss. I didn't, of course, because safety and wild animals and valuing my life. But I did get closer than my family, and closer than they were comfortable with...

Shape of You

This song has been on repeat in my head over the last few days:

The club isn't the best place to find a lover
So the bar is where I go (mmmm)
Me and my friends at the table doing shots
Drinking fast and then we talk slow (mmmm)
And you come over and start up a conversation with just me
And trust me I'll give it a chance now (mmmm)
Take my hand, stop, put Van The Man on the jukebox
And then we start to dance
And now I'm singing like

Girl, you know I want your love
Your love was handmade for somebody like me
Come on now, follow my lead
I may be crazy, don't mind me
Say, boy, let's not talk too much
Grab on my waist and put that body on me
Come on now, follow my lead
Come, come on now, follow my lead (mmmm)

Especially the chorus:

I'm in love with the shape of you
We push and pull like a magnet do
Although my heart is falling too
I'm in love with your body
Last night you were in my room
And now my bedsheets smell like you
Every day discovering something brand new
I'm in love with your body

There's so many magical things about love. And loving someone's body is definitely high on the list:

Oh I oh I oh I oh I
I'm in love with your body
Oh I oh I oh I oh I
I'm in love with your body
Oh I oh I oh I oh I
I'm in love with your body
Every day discovering something brand new
I'm in love with the shape of you

That I am - in love with the shape of my man!

Make It Rain

This past year and change, since I left my job at the Capitol and started my own business, has been such a learning experience. It's been beautiful in a lot of ways, but the ups and downs I've met with financially have taken a toll.

This morning I went to a benefits seminar at the University for my new job, and I realized I had a tax-sheltered annuity from when I worked at the University previously that I'd forgotten I had. And it had grown. Significantly. Such happy news to stumble on a pot of gold right when I needed some tangible evidence that I have everything I need to make it in this world despite all the setbacks.

And then tonight, I went to class with one of my favorite teachers, and this song, perfect for marking this day, was on the playlist:

When the sins of my father
Weigh down in my soul
And the pain of my mother
Will not let me go
Well, I know there can come fire from the sky
To refine the purest of kings
And even though
I know this fire brings me pain
Even so
And just the same

Make it rain
Make it rain down, Lord
Make it rain
Oh, make it rain
Make it rain
Make it rain down, Lord
Make it rain
Make it rain

And the seed needs the water
Before it grows out of the ground
But it just keeps on getting hotter
And the hunger more profound
Well, I know there can come tears from the eyes
But they may as well be in vain
Even though
I know these tears come with pain
Even so
And just the same

Make it rain
Make it rain down, Lord
Make it rain
Make it rain
Make it rain
Make it rain down, Lord
Make it rain
Make it rain

And the seas are full of water
That stops by the shore
Just like the riches of grandeur
That never reach the poor

And let the clouds fill with thunderous applause
And let lightning be the veins
And fill the sky
With all that they can drop
When it's time
To make a change

Make it rain
Make it rain down, Lord
Make it rain
Make it rain
Make it rain
Make it rain down, Lord

Yes please.

And thank you, thank you, thank you...

I See Fire

I finally decided to restart my subscription to the New Yorker. I let it lapse because I was overwhelmed by the issues arriving weekly, and also because, as brave as I was trying to be reading the fiction to myself, it was still breaking my heart a little bit because I used to always read it with the New Englander.

I'm not sure exactly what made me turn the corner, but turn the corner I did. And in today's digital world, as soon as I finished subscribing the issue was waiting for me on my ipad.

One of the things I like about that magazine is that I learn about books and movies and music that I wouldn't otherwise learn about -- like this remix of an Ed Sheeran song by Kygo:

Oh, misty eye of the mountain below
Keep careful watch of my brothers' souls
And should the sky be filled with fire and smoke
Keep watching over Durin's sons

If this is to end in fire
Then we should all burn together
Watch the flames climb high into the night

Calling out father oh
Stand by and we will
Watch the flames burn auburn on
The mountain side

And if we should die tonight
Then we should all die together
Raise a glass of wine for the last time

Calling out father oh
Prepare as we will
Watch the flames burn auburn on
The mountain side
Desolation comes upon the sky

Now I see fire
Inside the mountain
I see fire
Burning the trees
And I see fire
Hollowing souls
I see fire
Blood in the breeze
And I hope that you remember me

Oh, should my people fall
Then surely I'll do the same
Confined in mountain halls
We got too close to the flame

Calling out father oh
Hold fast and we will
Watch the flames burn auburn on
The mountain side
Desolation comes upon the sky

Now I see fire
Inside the mountain
I see fire
Burning the trees
I see fire
Hollowing souls
I see fire
Blood in the breeze
And I hope that you remember me

And if the night is burning
I will cover my eyes
For if the dark returns
Then my brothers will die
And as the sky is falling down
It crashed into this lonely town
And with that shadow upon the ground
I hear my people screaming out

Now I see fire
Inside the mountains
I see fire
Burning the trees
I see fire
Hollowing souls
I see fire
Blood in the breeze

I see fire (oh you know I saw a city burning out) (fire)
And I see fire (feel the heat upon my skin, yeah) (fire)
And I see fire (uh-uh-uh-uh) (fire)
And I see fire burn auburn on the mountain side

Granted, when I read about it, I did not realize it was a song from one of the Hobbit films, but there you go.

Oh, and I haven't managed to tackle the fiction yet, but I will. I met someone on Tinder recently who was surprised to find that I am both a mountain biker and a New Yorker subscriber -- yep, I said, all in one package. Then he seems to have disappeared, as so many do on that silly dating app that at least for now qualifies as the least egregious of the online dating choices out there!

Photograph

Enjoying the paddleboat at our cabin!

Today my son and I spent another 5 hours in the car -- this time en route to his friend's family cabin in Western Wisconsin. Google maps told us it would be 4 hours, but we got lost. So did a lot of other people at the party, as it turned out, so that made us feel a little better.

We listened to the radio most of the way, listening to mostly old songs but also some newer ones. We also talked. I told him that I'd communicated with the New Englander and learned that he was headed to a wedding of a friend this weekend. And then I told him that for years I've thought that the New Englander would find himself at a wedding and think something along the lines of:

"Holy shit! I had this amazing woman and we had this incredible love and she wanted to get married but I didn't realize how good we had it and seeing my friends together, embracing their love and embarking on this path, really makes me wish I had decided to do that with this amazing woman whom I loved so much."

I didn't actually say all that to my son, but you might as well know that's pretty much how it goes in my head. What I did say was something more along the lines of "I just don't know how you walk away from a love like ours, and I always wonder if going to weddings makes him regret leaving."

My son said he didn't think it was a good idea to think about that now.

Methinks he is right.

Cue one of the many love songs we heard on our journey today:

Loving can hurt
Loving can hurt sometimes
But it's the only thing that I know
When it gets hard
You know it can get hard sometimes
It is the only thing that makes us feel alive

We keep this love in a photograph
We made these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing
Hearts are never broken
Times forever frozen still

So you can keep me
Inside the pocket
Of your ripped jeans
Holdin' me closer
'Til our eyes meet
You won't ever be alone
Wait for me to come home

Loving can heal
Loving can mend your soul
And it's the only thing that I know (know)
I swear it will get easier
Remember that with every piece of ya
And it's the only thing we take with us when we die

I too believe that loving can heal, that it can mend your soul, and that it's the only thing that really matters in this life.

We keep this love in this photograph
We made these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing
Our hearts were never broken
Times forever frozen still

But I don't want to be in the pocket of anyone's ripped jeans. Because our hearts were broken. And time didn't stand still:

So you can keep me
Inside the pocket
Of your ripped jeans
Holdin' me closer
'Til our eyes meet
You won't ever be alone

It marched on. Bringing healing. And also, in fact, a lot of time alone. Just enough to make sure I've got space in my heart to fall in love for real again...

Thinking Out Loud

Woke up with this song in my head this morning:

When your legs don't work like they used to before
And I can't sweep you off of your feet
Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love?
Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks?

And, darling, I will be loving you 'til we're 70
And, baby, my heart could still fall as hard at 23
And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe just the touch of a hand
Well, me - I fall in love with you every single day
And I just wanna tell you I am

So honey now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
I'm thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are

When my hair's all but gone and my memory fades
And the crowds don't remember my name
When my hands don't play the strings the same way
I know you will still love me the same

'Cause honey your soul could never grow old, it's evergreen
And, baby, your smile's forever in my mind and memory
I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe it's all part of a plan
Well, I'll just keep on making the same mistakes
Hoping that you'll understand

That, baby, now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
Thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are

Which is strange, because I'm not feeling this song this morning. What loving arms, exactly? I'm feeling angry and sad, like the kind of angry and sad where I play Johnny Cash's version of Hurt on full blast in my car and scream along.

I don't like feeling that way, but then again, during my Ashtanga practice this morning, I could feel that my right hip was able to surrender a little deeper than it did yesterday or any day before that. Yep, it hurts to let myself feel the depth of the loss when those feelings come back around, but feeling them means that they can move through me, and that's so much better than keeping them trapped inside.

I saw this Steve Jobs' quote on a friend and fellow Ashtangi's Facebook page today, and feel it's worth repeating here:

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other people's opinions drown out your inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition."

What incredible advice. And I'm doing my damnedest to follow it...