Things Can Only Get Better

I took the day off from work today so I could take it easy on my birthday. I signed up for a yoga class, and biked over to the studio only to find that I didn't have my usual amount of energy. Could have been the doughnuts my coworkers treated me to yesterday -- could've been the margarita I treated myself to last night -- I'm not really sure.

In any case, at one point I looked at the clock and it read 10:42. The class ended at 11am. 18 minutes. I can do 18 more minutes, I thought. I'm nothing if not resilient. I've got that going for me.

I made it through, of course, and as is so often the case when difficulties present themselves, I also gained something from the experience. At some point during the class, I started a mantra with my breathing -- connection (as I inhaled), letting go (as I exhaled). And I kept doing that. Even though it was hard, because I both want and don't want both of those things. Both present their challenges, but one is not possible without the other.

Lying in savasana at the end of class, continuing with my new mantra, tears started to roll down my cheeks as I recognized the fleeting nature of connection and the necessity of letting go. It would seem, it occurred to me, that if I'm craving more connection, which I am, I need to do more letting go.

As I rode away from the studio toward my breakfast sandwich, this song from Howard Jones filled my mind. It seems he's contemplated something much like my mantra and come to the same conclusion:

We're not scared to lose it all
Security throw through the wall
Future dreams we have to realize
A thousand skeptic hands
Won't keep us from the things we plan
Unless we're clinging to the things we prize

And do you feel scared, I do
But I won't stop and falter
And if we threw it all away
Things can only get better

Whoa whoa whoa-oh-oh whoa-whoa whoa-oh-oh
(Whoa whoa whoa-oh-oh whoa-whoa whoa-oh-oh)
Whoa whoa whoa-oh-oh whoa-whoa whoa-oh-oh
(Whoa whoa whoa-oh-oh whoa-whoa whoa-oh-oh)

Treating today as though it was
The last, the final show
Get to sixty and feel no regret
It may take a little time
A lonely path, an uphill climb
Success or failure will not alter it

And do you feel scared, I do
And I won't stop and falter
And if we threw it all away
Things can only get better...

Birthdays are always a time for taking stock, and this one's no different. It's just that what I needed to take stock of is so damn hard to face. You see, the man I've loved for nearly four years has a pattern of withdrawal, I believe as a result of untreated depression and anxiety. I knew when we met that he was in need of some therapy to deal with childhood wounds, but I didn't know, really until today, that he wasn't going to get that help, and therefore we are not going to make it.

A rough realization on one's birthday to say the least, but, as Howard promised, things did get better (in terms of celebrating my birth) when I picked up my kids:

We cooked up a couple of delicious homemade pizzas...

And enjoyed this awesome cake my son made. I win! 

I'm Looking for a New Love

I have a new love.

It's true: Waffles.

I had a waffle at Surf's Up in Mazatlan and I swear it was one of the most delicious things I've ever eaten. My first day back home, I went to Target, purchased a waffle iron, and nearly every day since, I've been working to concoct a waffle similar to the delicious waffle I had there but using some of my usual healthy breakfast ingredients. It's a work in progress, but I can't even tell you how satisfying it is when that green light goes off, telling me my waffle is done. It's the greatest invention ever (even if it was invented like 50 years ago).

As I was contemplating the fact that my new love is managing to keep me happier than one might think I'd be given everything that is going on in my life, Jody Watley started playing on the internal jukebox:

You know that I needed you
You know that you meant the world to me
You know I had to have you
Now I'm gonna find some body new
I'm looking for a new love, baby, a new love
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I'm looking for a new love, baby, a new love
Yeah, yeah, yeah

Now I'm not actually at this point with my love life -- it is possible that I will be back on the market soon -- but I don't know yet. I'm in that limbo land that most of us have experienced at one time or another in our lives, where we love someone, and they love us, but we're just not sure if we're gonna make it.

And I'm ok being in that limbo for right now, because I get that sometimes it takes time to hear what one's heart is trying to say, especially if that heart is covered with layers of protection.

Besides, along with my delicious waffle every morning, yesterday I got some hilarious spam at work that seemed to foretell some action in the boudoir:

Your every night will be a complete flame.

One of these days, my Russian princess. One of these days. Until then, keep those sweet nothings in your non-native tongue coming, because they make me laugh...

When I Call Your Name

It ain't pretty, but there are bound to be days in a woman's life where the best musical marker of how she's feeling is a country song sung by a man with a mullet.

Today is one of those days for me. It's rainy, it's cold, and my baby's not only not here with me (I'm used to that), but he's not there with me either:

I rushed home from work like I always do
I spent my whole day just thinking of you
When I walked through the front door my whole life was changed
Cause nobody answered when I called your name

A note on the table that told me goodbye
It said you'd grown weary of living a lie
Your love has ended but mine still remains
But nobody answers when I call your name

Oh the lonely sound of my voice calling
Is driving me insane
And just like rain the tears keep falling
Nobody answers when I call your name

Oh the lonely sound of my voice calling
Is driving me insane
And just like rain the tears keep falling
Nobody answers when I call your name
Oh nobody answers when I call your name

Change of Time

I had a long talk with a friend today and we talked about the importance of doing things to keep yourself grounded when someone you love is going through a rough time. We agreed that both running and yoga are a support for me right now, and after my big run yesterday, I decided to rest this morning and then go to a 90-minute yoga class I like this afternoon with a friend.

The class was awesome. It was all about grounding, in honor of the earth day just passed, and one of the songs she played that particularly struck me was this one:

Time, love
Time, love
Time, love
It’s only a change of time

I found that chorus oddly reassuring, like what's happening today is only a change of time, it isn't necessarily true that my whole understanding needs to change:

I had a dream last night
And rusting far below me
Battered hulls and broken hardships
Leviathan and Lonely
I was thirsty so I drank
And though it was salt water
There was something ‘bout the way
It tasted so familiar

Time, love
Time, love
Time, love
It’s only a change of time

But the next couple of verses really strike a chord:

The black clouds I’m hanging
This anchor I’m dragging
The sails of memory rip open in silence
We cut through the lowlands
All hands through the saltlands
The white caps of memory
Confusing and violent

I had a dream last night
And when I opened my eyes
Your shoulder blade, your spine
Were shorelines in the moon light
New worlds for the weary
New lands for the living
I could make it if I tried
I closed my eyes I kept on swimming

It feels like that's all I can do at the moment. Just keep swimming:

Time, love
Time, love
Time, love
It’s only a change of
Time, love
Time, love
Time, love
It’s only a change of
Time, love
Time, love
Time, love
It’s only a change of
Time, love
Time
Time, love
It’s only a change of
Time, love
Time, love
Time, love
It’s only a change of
Time, love
Time, love
Time, love
It’s only a change of time

And remind myself it's only a change of time.

The teacher closed class with a beautiful Apache blessing that also spoke to me in that "I am a child of the Earth and I don't need anything in particular to be true, I just need to experience it" kind of way:

“May the sun bring you new energy by day, may the moon softly restore you by night, may the rain wash away your worries, may the breeze blow new strength into your being, may you walk gently through the world and know it's beauty all the days of your life.”

It's only a change of time. That's my new mantra...

Gonna Fly Now

I've been enjoying my return to running for more than a year now. I'm not sure exactly where it's going to take me -- maybe I'll finally run the marathon I've dreamed of running my whole adult life. I don't know -- I'm not sure my body is going to tolerate those really long runs. Maybe I'll enter another half marathon and see if this time I can beat my 1:57 PR. I'm not sure yet.

But I'm trying to get myself ready for whatever challenge I decide to take on, so my coach suggested I sign up for a 5K or a 10K as a fitness test. One of the races he suggested was Crazylegs, a 5 mile (8K) race I did a number of times back in the day, but haven't done for years. So I signed up and did some training, including a couple of practice runs up Observatory Hill -- the big hill near Memorial Union.

My coach's goals for me were 8:20 miles if I signed up for a 5K and 8:40 miles if I signed up for a 10K, so I decided an appropriate goal for an 8K was 8:30 minute miles. It was the first race where I had my watch to tell me how fast I was going, which was super helpful, because sometimes when I thought I was going fast I wasn't, and vice versa.

Anyway, I kicked my goal time's ass, with 8:09 minute miles:

Bib # Last Name First Name Time Age Place Overall Place Gender Gender Place 6816 ARCHIBALD SARAH 40:28 32 2266 F 470

It felt really good. I knew I had the power to achieve my goal, and that I'd put in the necessary training, but the Rocky Theme song that is blasted every year near the final stretch didn't hurt either:

Trying hard now
it's so hard now
trying hard now

Getting strong now
won't be long now
getting strong now

Gonna fly now
flying high now
gonna fly, fly, fly...

Someone Belonging to Someone

Today I started listening to the book The Power of Vulnerability by Brene Brown. I think I've posted her Ted Talk on the same subject before -- it's totally worth the 20 minutes it takes to watch it. But the book is really interesting too, and it really got me thinking. She talks a lot about worthiness, and people who believe they are worthy of love and belonging.

Listening to it, I realized the incongruence of me feeling like I am someone who is worthy of love and belonging, and staying in a relationship where I feel, at the moment at least, pushed away.

It feels like the opposite of belonging - - just ask the Bee Gees:

I know how I feel
Lonely in the black of night
There can be no love for me now
Nobody listens when the words ain't right
And you get into someone else
It's hard for me to know
Who's lovin' who
And where do I stand
What did I do it all for
There's no one I could love more
I did it for your heart alone
All that I try to be growin' inside to me
I can be strong if you're there

And there is someone belonging to someone
And I got no one belonging to me
I live in a world where the face of an angel
is all that a fool can see
You got the power to find me whenever I'm lost
Where are you? Who are we?

These are questions that I would've thought we had the answers to by now, but a particularly stressful time in my New Englander's life has brought the "where are you" question back to the forefront:

I believe in time
Can eat away a heart of stone
And baby if I leave you too late
It's just a feather and the bird has flown
It's colder when the fire dies
With all the trouble I'm in if I lose you too

Then what is my life
If I don't wanna go through
Anything without you
Couldn't be life at all
I could be lyin' on
You are the only one
We didn't make it by chance
And there is someone
belonging to someone
And I got no one belonging to me
I'm caught in a world on
the edge of tomorrow
It's all that a fool can find
I don't belong in the arms
of a love that is lost
Nowhere to cry
There must be something we
can say my love
Something except goodbye

I thought and hoped that he could find a way to lean on me, but it isn't working out that way. Some of my friends have talked about the good things that can come from hitting rock bottom. I know that to be true from my own experience, but so far, it ain't producing anything good for us, which leaves me feeling like maybe there isn't an us after all:

And there is someone belonging to someone
And I got no one belonging to me

Mexico

Enjoying an authentic Mexican meal at Playa Bruha

This song was in and out of my head all week while the kids and were in Mazatlan with my parents:

The whole crew on departure day outside the resort

Way down here
You need a reason to move
Feel a fool running your stateside games
Lose your load
Leave your mind behind, Baby James

Oh, Mexico
It sounds so simple
I just got to go
The sun's so hot

I forgot to go home
Guess I'll have to go now

"Americano" got the sleepy eye
But his body's still shaking like a live wire
Sleepy "Seсorita" with the eyes on fire

Oh, Mexico
It sounds so sweet with the sun sinking low
Moon's so bright like to light up the night
Make everything all right

Oh, down in Mexico
I never really been so I don't really know
Oh, Mexico
I guess I'll have to go

Yep, James, it's pretty sweet. Hopefully you've been by now, but if not, you've definitely got to go...

I Knew You Were Waiting

Besides being beautiful, this pool has the best music!

We flew out today, but not until 4pm, so we got to enjoy a swim -- one in the pool and one in the ocean -- before we left.

The pool my kids chose for the last swim was the bistro pool -- off the beaten path, and therefore not as busy. Plus, the radio is always blaring one cheesy favorite after another, and this morning was no exception:

Like a warrior that fights
And wins the battle
I know the taste of victory

Though I went through some nights
Consumed by the shadows
I was crippled emotionally

Somehow I made it through the heartache
Yes I did, I escaped
I found my way out of the darkness
I kept my faith, kept my faith

When the river was deep
I didn't falter
When the mountain was high
I still believed
When the valley was low
It didn't stop me, no, no
I knew you were waiting
Knew you were waiting for me

With an endless desire
I, I kept on searching
Sure in time our eyes would meet

Like the bridge is on fire
The hurt is over
One touch and you set me free

No, I don't regret a single moment
No I don't, looking back
When I think of all those disappointments
I just laugh, I just laugh

I may not be 100% entirely there, but I'm pretty darn close to feeling this way about my childhood, which makes spending time with my parents a billion times easier. This vacation felt easy about 98% of the time, which is pretty incredible.

It's been a long road getting here:

When the river was deep
I didn't falter
When the mountain was high
I still believed
When the valley was low
It didn't stop me

But while I know I owe a part of the relative ease with which I'm living these days to the healing made possible by really, truly loving and being loved, unlike Aretha and George, I'm not giving any love outside of myself all the credit:

I knew you were waiting
Knew you were waiting for me

So we were drawn together through destiny
I know this love we share was meant to be

I do know it was meant to be, this love I share with my New Englander. I know that it has made me like myself more, love myself more, be a better mother, a more avid reader, less defensive, more adventurous... the list goes on and on. But not faltering? Still believing? Not letting anything stop me on this long and winding healing journey?

All me, baby:

I didn't falter
I still believed
It didn't stop me

House By The Sea

Both the scenery and the food are super idyllic at Surf's Up

Once we'd had our fill of pancakes in the room for breakfast and nachos and guac by the pool for lunch -- which didn't happen until the second to last day -- we made our way down the beach to a little cafe called Surf's Up.

The food was so tasty at breakfast -- and the spot was so beautiful -- that we decided to venture back for lunch again later. The cafe is the inspiration of a woman who moved there from Vancouver, BC. Chatting with her, she said she loved Vancouver but being in the hospitality business is so much more fun when it's warm all the time and people are always in a good mood.

She and her man live on site, and having recently heard this little gem on the radio, it started to play on internal radio as my kids and I climbed back down to the ocean with our boogie boards after lunch, ready to catch some more waves:

They say home is the place where your heart is
Then I am home now, though I am far away
For so long I've let the forest guard it
And now it's begging me to stay
And I'm trying my best to be tough
To pretend I am strong and can siphon it off
But I'm not who I wanted to be
In my heart I belong in a house by the sea

I can relate to this song, being an ocean-lover myself. I hope someday I will reside in a house by the sea:

They say home is a place where you're needed
Then I am home now, but I am leaving
To feel my feet being kissed by the seaweed
And I will be silent and kiss it back
This is not who I want you to see
It's just adding on weight to the darkness in me
And from the little I have understood
I believe that a house by the sea would do good

But for now, I'm content just to visit, since home is the place where I can be with my kids:

They say home is a place you can choose to be
And I've decided to carry home inside me
So it's not really as if I am leaving
It's more like something pulling me
Because behind everything that I do
I just want to forget, want to carry this through
Fill my lungs with the sweet summer air
In my heart, in my mind I am already there

It wasn't easy to learn how to carry home inside me -- I spent years convinced it wasn't even possible -- but I'm here to say it is quite possible.

Doesn't make it any less sweet to get to be in the ocean again, though:

Yeah behind everything that I do
I just want to come home and lay down beside you
And then I'll be who I wanted to be
In my heart I belong in a house by the sea

All of Me

Heard this song at the gym today. I know, I know, it's super cheesy. But some part of it spoke to me:

What would I do without your smart mouth?
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
You've got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down
What's going on in that beautiful mind
I'm on your magical mystery ride
And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me, but I'll be alright

My head's under water
But I'm breathing fine
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind

'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh

I think my favorite part is the concept of loving someone's edges and imperfections. It's such a relief to even be able to consider a love like that, after so many years without the ability to even grasp what such a love would look like.

I get it now, but I still feel confused by it. When do you know when you can rest there? When does loving someone's edges and perfect imperfections equal finding someone who will make a great life partner?

I don't know the answer to that right now. Luckily, I do know that I don't need to know the answer right now to anything I don't know the answer to right now!

Crucify

I had another one of those nights last night where I'm awakened in the wee hours. It's strange -- it's not like I'm churning something over and over again in my mind, or that I'm in any kind of physical pain -- I'm just awake.

I decided to try to get myself to continue to do the writing I've been trying to do for years, was somewhat successful, and before I knew it, it was time to get up to prepare for my trip to Milwaukee today.

In the car on the way over, I popped in an old CD, one with a song that helped me belt out some of the emotions I was trying to write about when I wanted to be sleeping:

Every finger in the room
is pointing at me
I wanna spit in their faces
Then I get afraid of what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my stomach
I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell our now
I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Just what God needs
One more victim

Why do we
Crucify ourselves
Every day
I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day
And my heart is sick of being in chains

Got a kick for a dog
Beggin' for Love
I gotta have my suffering
So that I can have my cross
I know a cat named Easter
He says will you ever learn
You're just an empty cage girl
If you kill the bird
I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Got enough guilt to start
my own religion
Please be
Save me
I cry

Why do we
Crucify ourselves
Every day
I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day
And my heart is sick of being in chains

Mine too, Tori, mine too.

Thank you for this song, my fellow redhead. It spoke to me before I understood why, and it sure speaks to me now...

Easy

Today marked my first run out to picnic point and back with no snow or ice on the path, and did it ever feel good! After what may be the longest winter ever in Wisconsin, it seemed like everybody was outside on this beautiful, sunny Spring day. I'm not sure the temperature even reached 60 degrees, but a bunch of people were having campfires and roasting smores, and I don't think they've ever smelled so good. Mmmmmmm.

There's just something about spring, the way it reminds you of how good it feels to be alive when you're not all covered up and hunkered down, and the way it promises three seasons worth of new adventures, that feels so incredible you can't quite remember how sweet it is until it shows up again, as it did today.

I picked this song to mark this day because it has that same dreamy, not quite real, remember how good it feels kinda quality:

Back when we had it
So easy
I would surrender
Completely

I built a shelter
For green beings
In the sun
In the sun

Around in the fields we grow
With love for everyone
Dreams we saw with eyes of hope
Until that dream was done

I used to be
So confused
Now you just want to
Say to you

I was just floating
On an inner tube
In the sun
In the sun

Around in the fields we grow
With love for everyone
Dreams we saw with eyes of hope
Until that dream was done

People

Early Spring in the Arboretum

I try to balance the weekends when I don't have the kids -- or at least don't have them both nights -- with the right mix of alone time and time with friends. I haven't felt much like practicing yoga alone lately, and the studio where I've been practicing is in transition, so I booked a couple of classes at another studio after my kids left today just to kind of bookend the alone time. I also got to spend a chunk of time today with a dear friend, hiking in the woods, which was lovely.

But still, after 6 hours out and about on my bike, when I got home, all I wanted to do was crawl in bed and watch TV. So I did. And that's one of the things I love about this phase of my life -- the freedom, in those moments, to do whatever I want. But when I say I love that, I mean to the degree that you can love the feeling of self-indulgent unproductive time -- there's a place for it in our lives, sure, but it doesn't feel purely good.

Eventually my viewing pleasure turned to an old vice: Glee. And that's where my song choice comes from today. From there, as well as from the fact that I'm with Barbra on this one:

People
People who need people
Are the luckiest people in the world,
We're children, needing other children
And yet letting our grown-up pride
Hide all the need inside,
Acting more like children
Than children.
Lovers are very special people,
They're the luckiest people
In the world.
With one person, one very special person
A feeling deep in your soul
Says you were half,
Now you're whole.
No more hunger and thirst
But first be a person
Who needs people.
People who need people
Are the luckiest people
In the world!

Being alone has its advantages. No doubt about it. But it's not how I want to live the bulk of my life, and neither is hiding from the world (even if it's just my own inner life) through the use of electronics...

My Prayer

A few weeks ago, my kids expressed an interest in a story they'd heard about someone who aged in reverse. I told them I'd seen a movie about that, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, and they asked me to get it on Netflix so we could watch it together.

It took us a couple of weeks to find the time and a couple of days to watch it once we made the commitment (it's super long), but it was worth the wait to watch it together. I remember liking it the first time I saw it, but watching it this time, with one kid on either side of me, was magical. And sad. I felt so grateful that I got to give birth to my two beautiful babies and get to watch them grow up, I did what I do quite often when emotions arise: I cried and cried.

The other thing I felt grateful about, watching this movie about love with my kids, is the man I'm in love with -- he's so real and so good and so completely in my corner. And my kids' corner -- the visit wasn't just good for me -- it was good for them too:

So I picked this song from the soundtrack, about love and devotion, to mark this day:

When the twilight is gone and no songbirds are singing
When the twilight is gone you come into my heart
And here in my heart you will stay while I pray

My prayer is to linger with you
At the end of the day in a dream that's divine
My prayer is a rapture in blue
With the world far away and your lips close to mine

Tonight while our hearts are aglow
Oh tell me the words that I'm longing to know

My prayer and the answer you give
May they still be the same for as long as we live
That you'll always be there at the end of my prayer

John Doe

This is kind of a strange song -- I'm sure it has a story that I don't know -- but every time I hear it, it gets stuck in my head for a period of time.

This happened again today:

Seems like your heart stops working
The minute they close the curtain
And take off your mask
And take off your costume
And if anyone asks you're taking a smoke break
Drinking some coffee
But everyone knows what you're doing
Seems like the bus moves slower
Just cause you got somewhere to go
So you take a few pills in Beverly Hills
But if anyone asks you've got a prescription
You got an addiction
Who do you think that you're fooling

I think the reason it strikes a chord with me is the next line, which, for a girl who has loved her share of Jo(h)ns, including her current love, who was in her bed but is now a thousand miles away again, it makes a lot of sense:

John Doe, I just want the John I know
Once you put the drinks on hold
Maybe you could come back home
John Doe, ooh oh oh oooh
Oooh oh oh ohooh oooh
Oooh oh oh ohooh oooh

John Doe, I just want the John I know...