Going Home

A sunny December day on La Crosse Lane

On Friday I taught an out-with-the-old, in-with-the-new themed yoga class. In the new year, I won't be teaching on Fridays anymore, just Tuesdays, which will be easier to manage schedule-wise, but I'll miss seeing my yogis twice a week.

We began with letting go of anything that 2016 asked us to let go of, and for me, that included, among other things:

1) The need for any pretense about my relationship with my parents. They refuse to acknowledge what transpired in my childhood, and yet they act as if I should be ok with having a relationship with them where I pretend everything is fine, that they haven't denied this huge aspect of my being. Definitely letting go of my need to go along with that. Unfortunately, it seems to come with a cost -- I have been sick on and off in the month since I dropped this pretense -- and I'm feeling that way again now. Wah.

2) So, so many musical geniuses, including the masterful Canadian poet, Leonard Cohen. I just read an article in the New Yorker about him, which was written before he died. It was beautiful, and it discussed many of his songs, including this one that has particular significance for me as I welcome the new year (which was the second part of the yoga class):

Going home
Without my sorrow
Going home
Sometime tomorrow
Going home
To where it’s better
Than before

Going home
Without my burden
Going home
Behind the curtain
Going home
Without the costume
That I wore

You know the corny old expression: "Home is where the heart is"? Well for me, realizing on this hasn't been as easy as it sounds. (Get comfy, days fans, what follows is rather lengthy, and for many, it's a review, mostly for my own benefit as I close out a big year of my life and welcome an even bigger one.)

You see, I came back into my heart, after fleeing it during the abuse in my childhood, when my son was born. And my heart grew again exponentially when my daughter was born.

But it wasn't until I was able to heal considerably more than I had when I married that I was able to truly fall in love with a man. And, oh, did I ever: With the New Englander. And I dreamt of a home with him. Of a baby. Of a second marriage.

Instead, he moved away, at the end of June, 2013. Because he wasn't ready for any of that. And my heart broke. It straight up broke. It broke along the fault lines that had been created in my childhood. Which meant that the heartbreak I experienced in his absence was SUPER magnified by all that I hadn't yet let myself feel (but needed to feel to become whole) from my childhood. Which meant mostly that I cried. A lot. When I heard songs. When I rode my bike, either bike, that he added (or helped add) to my fleet. When I camped. When I got into bed at night. When I woke up in the morning. When I had an orgasm. When I heard his voice. When I saw his name. Etc. Etc. Etc. My poor kids -- they didn't know what to do with me.

The New Englander wasn't happy without me either, and over the course of the next couple of years, we went back and forth about whether we were going to get back together, did for a while, broke up again, etc.

And then at the beginning of 2016, I started to write a book. Well, another book. I start writing books quite frequently. This one was about the two of us. It reprinted all of the emails we exchanged, and through the process of putting it together, I realized a lot of important things, including:

1) We have an awesome love;

2) I wanted an awesome love in my life again.

So I asked him if we could talk, and then we did. I told him about these realizations. I told him I still loved him. He said that he loved me too, but that he thought you could still love someone and be over them. I cried, sobbed, really, saying: "I am definitely not over you. Are you over me?" And then he admitted he wasn't, that he hadn't met anyone else that did it for him in the same way.

I was relieved to hear that, but there were other things I heard during that phone call that were less promising: He was happy in his little mountain town, disconnected at home from other people; this made him feel safe. Also: He worried that if we got back together, it wouldn't stay good.

And I heard him. I really heard him. And I accepted what he said. If that's what makes him feel safe, I thought, he should stay there. And if he doesn't have faith that we can have a fantastic life together, then maybe we can't.

So, in March of this year, I wrote him a letter, in which I told him that he knows just how truly, madly, deeply I love him, but I want love in my life again. I want the things that we had. That I had a nearly impossible time believing that he wasn't the person that I was going to get to have them with, but it seems maybe he isn't. And I told him not to contact me again, please, unless he could be all in, in a way that he couldn't be before.

Fast forward to November 1: the day he got back in touch. After a few emails, a letter, and several phone conversations and texts in which he expressed, among other things, full faith that we've got 50 years together ahead of us, making life feel like a dream vacation, I'd say we've come full circle.

To a place where when I text him the photo above to show that the sun was shining outside our house, he texts back that it breaks his heart with yearning to see a picture of his home. His home. With me. And my kids. Nothing, but nothing could make me happier: All my loves under one roof. Coming in 2017! Yay!

I was watching an episode of The Crown tonight, and there's a scene where Winston Churchill is admonishing the Duke of Windsor, once King Edward the VIII, that the love he had for his wife had destroyed everything (including forcing him to abdicate the throne).

The Duke answers:

"It is love, Winston, love, the greatest thing on Earth."

Yup. I'll say it is. And that's one of many realizations The New Englander had in 2016. Hip, hip, hooray for that!

In little more than a week, he'll be coming home, if only for a visit this time. And on the eve of this new year, in which I get to be reunited with my love and even have my home become his, I couldn't be more grateful that we're both:

Going home
Without my sorrow
Going home
Sometime tomorrow
Going home
To where it’s better
Than before

Going home
Without my burden
Going home
Behind the curtain
Going home
Without this costume
That I wore

Going home
Without the sorrow
Going home
Sometime tomorrow
Going home
To where it’s better
Than before

Going home
Without the burden
Going home
Behind the curtain
Going home
Without this costume
That I wore

...going home to where the heart is, to where it's been for both of us since about August of 2010, shortly after we met.

...going home without the burdens of our childhood traumas: We've both spent significant time handing those burdens back to from where they came.

...going home without the costumes of protection we both needed before: We're both in a different space to trust our love this time around. We trust ourselves more, making it infinitely easier to trust each other.

Yep, it's gonna be the happiest new year ever for this girl!

Disturbance at the Heron House

Oh man, do I ever love skiing with my kids!

This morning after practice I made the trek up north to a ski area I used to frequent when I was in high school.

My parents, who had had my kids the last couple of days, met me there so that the kids and I could be reunited and spend the day skiing.

On the way up, I started listening to the book Crossing to Safety by Wallace Stegner. It's one of my friend's favorite books, and I always try to pay attention when I hear someone I love talk about their favorite book.

In the part I listened to this morning, there was a line about chaos being the way of nature and order being a dream of man. And it occurred to me that this is exactly what my yoga teacher and Reiki practitioner was trying to tell me yesterday. It's not about comfort.

Which is perfect preparation for a day of skiing, which is also not about comfort, and is quite possibly one of the most liberating things a human can do.

My happy ski bunnies, getting close to dusk

On the drive home, I heard this classic from one of REM's lesser known albums, which, as I recall, I had on cassette as a youngster:

They're going wild, the call came in
At early morning predawn then
The followers of chaos, out of control

They're numbering the monkeys
The monkeys and the monkeys
The followers of chaos, out of control

The call came in to party central
A meeting of the green and simple
Trying to tell us something we don't know

They're meeting at the monument
The call came in, the monument
To liberty and honor under the honor roll

They've gathered up the cages
The cages and courageous
The followers of chaos, out of control

I'm gonna try to dream of order a little bit less, and get a little more comfortable with the chaos...

Take Off Your Shackles

It hasn't been easy on me, this holiday season, to be separated from my family of origin. It has felt like where I need to be, but not at all comfortable.

I went to see one of my yoga teachers for Reiki today. I've been in his classes for more than a year now, but this was our first one-on-one, hourlong session.

At the end of the session, he expressed awe about what I am working with energetically. I know, I told him, it's big.

Yes, he said, and there's a thickness to it. Almost like stone.

I call it metal, I told him, this armor behind my heart.

He told me to be sure I don't mistake being comfortable as the goal -- that I can be safe but also uncomfortable, and that's how I will be able to thin that armor.

He said it probably isn't about getting rid of the armor for good, but rather learning how to more easily take the armor on and off.

That made a lot of sense to me.

I went home, took a nap, talked to my man, and then headed to yoga. I didn't feel great physically, and was struggling emotionally. At the end of class, when my friend squeezed my hand in savasana, I started to cry.

I often have that reaction to people reaching out to me when I feel vulnerable. I think they are tears of relief. That I'm not that little girl anymore, alone and afraid, protected only by the armor that she had to create to keep herself safe, or as safe as she could.

I've worked hard to take those shackles off, just as John Savage sings about here:

What know the pilots of the stars of tears?
Well let me tell you that there won't be any here
As you fly towards a setting sun
There will be a new one
And I won't hold you down
I won't hold you down

Let me in and I'll let you out
Why don't let me and I'll let you out?
I've already read it in your eyes
Yet I don't have perfect vision
I don't wanna live in warm white lies
Don't shy from your decision

Are siren like shores calling out your name?
Well I don't need to know why it's not the same
If you don't need me
If you need to be free
Then I won't hold you down
I won't hold you down

Let me in and I'll let you out
Why don't let me in and I'll let you out?
I've already read it in your eyes
Yet I don't have perfect vision
I don't wanna live in warm white lies
So tell me sweetly
Tell me sweetly
Tell me sweetly

So take off your shackles and go
So take off your shackles and go
Go home, go home, go home
Go home, go home, go home

The woman I work with for trauma recovery says go home to the body, home to your deepest self.

I try to be there, in that home, as much as I can. And when I realize I'm not there, I try to return, as quickly as I can. I know that continuing to integrate my mind into my body is one way to make that move more permanently, and I'm working on that every day...

The Unforgiven

It's not that I don't forgive my parents, or that I couldn't, it's that they haven't asked for forgiveness. They haven't acknowledged the role that each of them played, or the ways in which they couldn't see me or protect me as a child. Then again, they still can't see me, which is I'm sure part and parcel of why they haven't asked for forgiveness.

I heard this song on the radio this morning on the way home from practice:

New blood joins this earth,
And quickly he's subdued.
Through constant pained disgrace
The young boy learns their rules.

Yep, and so did this young girl...

With time the child draws in.
This whipping boy done wrong.
Deprived of all his thoughts
The young man struggles on and on he's known
A vow unto his own,
That never from this day
His will they'll take away.

It's true. I see this in myself and I see this in my boyfriend. This part of us that our parents couldn't destroy:

What I've felt,
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown.
Never be.
Never see.
Won't see what might have been.

I went through a long stage where I wished it was otherwise -- all of it -- but now I'm not concerned with what might have been. I'm concerned with what was, and what is:

What I've felt,
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown.
Never free.
Never me.
So I dub thee unforgiven.

It took a lot -- a whole hell of a lot -- for me to find the freedom in my body that I enjoy today. I didn't have that freedom as a child, or as a young woman. It's a lot to forgive, but I know I'm good for it. If they would only ask...

Freedom! '90

My beautiful, giant, teenagers (and our black bunny)

A couple of days ago, I worked with a member of my pit crew -- my zero balancer/rolpher.

I told him about getting back together with my boyfriend, which he was at first dubious about but came around to feeling hopeful.

He said something really beautiful during the session, which is that the reason we are all here is to become more free.

The best kind of love offers more freedom, not less, and that's exactly what I feel with the New Englander. Being able to really sink into the feeling that my heart and my body were right -- he is my person - and feeling him love me back in the same way -- it frees up this huge part of me to do what I need to do to seek more freedom elsewhere, as I am doing in the context of my family of origin.

I also think that once the two of us are living together (and when the four of us are living together), we can use this as a mantra for how we want to approach our partnership and family. Loving in ways that are freeing, not inhibiting, that's what I want for all of us.

I was super sad today to hear that George Michael died. He was a big part of my youth, and he had something important to say about Freedom:

In this family, we're free to celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas

I won't let you down
I will not give you up
Gotta have some faith in the sound
It's the one good thing that I've got
I won't let you down
So please don't give me up
‘Cause I would really, really love to stick around, oh yeah

I think there's something you should know
I think it's time I told you so
There's something deep inside of me
There's someone else I've got to be
Take back your picture in a frame
Take back your singing in the rain
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes do not make the man

All we have to do now
Is take these lies and make them true somehow
All we have to see
Is that I don't belong to you
And you don't belong to me yea yea
Freedom
Freedom
Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take
Freedom
Freedom
Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take

Well it looks like the road to heaven
But it feels like the road to hell
When I knew which side my bread was buttered
I took the knife as well
Posing for another picture
Everybody's got to sell
But when you shake your ass
They notice fast
And some mistakes were built to last

That's what you get
That's what you get
That's what you get
I say that's what you get
That's what you get for changing your mind
That's what you get for changing your mind
That's what you get
That's what you get
And after all this time
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes
Do not make the man

All we have to do now is take these lies
And make them true somehow
All we have to see is that i don't belong to you
And you don't belong to me yea yea
Freedom
Freedom
Freedom
You've got to give for what you take
Freedom
Freedom
Freedom
You've got to give for what you take
Yea you've got to give for what you, give for what you give

I won't forget your wise words, George: My kids don't belong to me -- I just have the honor of loving them and helping them become the best versions of themselves. And the same is true for the New Englander. He doesn't belong to me either, but together, we reveal more love for ourselves and each other, making us a little more free all the time...

What Child is This?

Jesus as Yogi - He was a seeker, just like me

What a busy day this Christmas Eve turned out to be!

It started with a huge community yoga class at Perennial, which was really beautiful, and then I moved on to a little cross country skiing action in one of my favorite Madison Parks. The feeling of being underneath giant treetops is so comforting to me, and it was a beautiful morning for it.

When I got home, I had just enough time to get to Wholefoods for some nourishment for myself today and my kids tomorrow, before being picked up for church by my friend and her kids.

We went to the church with the Priest for whom I used to babysit -- and she does an amazing job with kids.

Feeling held by the canopy of giant snowy trees

For me, even though the church is super different from the one I went to as a kid, being there always evokes emotion for me, especially when singing hymns.

This is one of the hymns we sang today -- and it was also in the playlist at my yoga class -- so it feels like the perfect song to mark this day:

What child is this, who, laid to rest,
On Mary's lap is sleeping?
Whom angels greet with anthems sweet,
While shepherds watch are keeping?
This, this is Christ the King,
Whom shepherds guard and angels sing:
Haste, haste to bring Him laud,
The babe, the son of Mary.

Why lies He in such mean estate,
Where ox and donkeys are feeding?
Good Christians, fear, for sinners here
The silent Word is pleading.
Nails, spears shall pierce him through,
the cross he bore for me, for you.
Hail, hail the Word made flesh,

My friend and her two beautiful daughters at St. Dunstan's

the Babe, the Son of Mary.

Here comes my favorite line, the one that has been on repeat for me all day:

So bring him incense, gold, and myrrh,
Come, peasant, king, to own him.
The King of kings salvation brings,
Let loving hearts enthrone him.
Raise, raise a song on high,
The virgin sings her lullaby
Joy, joy for Christ is born,
The babe, the Son of Mary.

The king of king salvation brings. I reckon I kept repeating it because I hoped it was true -- salvation for me, for my father, for my mother. Some of the tears I felt as I tried to sing were for my mother, whom I know is hamstrung by what my father is unwilling or unable to deal with. Of course, if she were better able to hold it than she is, it might be different for my Dad too. Who knows? The only thing I know is that I have to stay true to myself, even if I don't know yet what that will mean for the rest of my family.

For now, it feels like enough to be thankful for this beautiful, full day, and these majestic, reassuring hymns:

This, this is Christ the King,
Whom shepherds guard and angels sing:
Haste, haste to bring Him laud,
The babe, the son of Mary.

Marry You

Back at the scene of the proposal for a solo xc ski

Approximately four years ago, while out cross country skiing with the New Englander, I asked him to marry me. I didn't plan it. I just said it with conviction because I felt it: I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man.

How did he answer? He said it was a lovely proposal, but he couldn't.

Ooooof.

So that was hard to hear, and hard to deal with, and six months later he moved back East.

Fast forward to today -- four years since I asked -- I called him from work this afternoon. In the course of the conversation, he said something like "You got your ex coming back into your life wanting to marry you..."

And I just started grinning. Real big.

Later in the conversation, I said to him: "You just said you wanted to marry me!" And he said "Yep, I do. I want to marry you."

I cannot tell you how happy it made me to hear him say that. I can't put it into words. When you get what you dreamt about, it's kinda hard to know what to do with yourself, or at least, it is for me.

So how about a cheesy song to mark this day when my man said aloud he wants to marry me?

It's a beautiful night,
We're looking for something dumb to do.
Hey baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

Is it the look in your eyes,
Or is it this dancing juice?
Who cares baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

Well I know this little chapel on the boulevard we can go oh oh oh,
No one will know oh oh oh,
Oh, come on, girl.
Who cares if we're trashed got a pocket full of cash we can blow oh oh oh,
Shots of patron,
And it's on, girl.

Don't say no, no, no, no-no;
Just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah;
And we'll go, go, go, go-go.
If you're ready, like I'm ready.

So grateful that he's ready like I'm ready now!

Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)

Yes, baby, at long last, please come home!

I feel like every year I enjoy hearing Christmas carols on the radio a little bit less. Sounds curmudgeonly, doesn't it?

Not sure exactly why, but I've had more trouble than I usually do getting into the holiday spirit in general this year. Maybe it's because my kids are older and harder to buy for, or the turbulence in my family of origin, or a combination.

But when I heard this song, I mostly felt happy that although my baby's not coming home in time for Christmas, he is coming home, first to visit in January and then for good by July:

(Christmas) the snow's comin' down
(Christmas) I'm watchin' it fall
(Christmas) lots of people around
(Christmas) baby, please come home

(Christmas) the church bells in town
(Christmas) are ringing in song
(Christmas) full of happy sounds
(Christmas) baby, please come home

They're singing Deck The Halls
But it's not like Christmas at all
'Cause I remember when you were here
And all the fun we had last year

(Christmas) pretty lights on the tree
(Christmas) I'm watching them shine
(Christmas) you should be here with me
(Christmas) baby, please come home

They're singing Deck The Halls
But it's not like Christmas at all
'Cause I remember when you were here
And all the fun we had last year

(Christmas) if there was a way
(Christmas) I'd hold back this tear
(Christmas) but it's Christmas day

(Please) please
(Please) please
(Please) please
(Please) please (please)

Baby please come home (please)
(Christmas) baby please come home
(Christmas) baby please come home
(Christmas) baby please come home (Christmas)
Oh yeah yeah

(Christmas)
(Christmas)
(Christmas)

Oh yeah, Christmas. And after a bunch of Christmases when he didn't come home -- like the one I marked in this very raw blog post -- I'm so glad that this year, he's at least with me from across the miles.

And here's a PS to the 2014 blog post:

He worked his way back to us. When I left him alone. When I really give him the space to choose that for himself, if he wanted to, and myself the space to meet someone new, if I wanted to. When I wanted him but didn't need him so much. When he gave himself the space to heal. When the time was right, even if the time in between was really tough for both of us in a lot of ways...

He's coming home. Hurray!

Mr. Tambourine Man

A friend posted Patti Smith's nobel prize performance of Dylan's A Hard Rain's Gonna Fall, and I just can't get enough of it. If you haven't seen it, it's a must watch.

As a result, I've been singing that song all day, including out loud on my bike ride to and from work. But I already blogged about that masterpiece, so here's another fine Dylan number to mark this day:

Hey, Mr. Tambourine man, play a song for me
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to
Hey, Mr. Tambourine man, play a song for me
In the jingle jangle morning I'll come following you
Though I know that evenings empire has returned into sand
Vanished from my hand
Left me blindly here to stand but still not sleeping
My weariness amazes me, I'm branded on my feet
I have no one to meet
And the ancient empty street's too dead for dreaming
Hey, Mr. Tambourine man, play a song for me
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to
Hey, Mr. Tambourine man, play a song for me
In the jingle jangle morning I'll come following you
Take me on a trip upon your magic swirling ship
My senses have been stripped
May hands can't feel to grip
My toes too numb to step
Wait only for my boot heels to be wandering
I'm ready to go anywhere, I'm ready for to fade
Into my own parade
Cast your dancing spell my way, I promise to go under it
Hey, Mr. Tambourine man, play a song for me
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to
Hey, Mr. Tambourine man, play a song for me
In the jingle jangle morning I'll come following you
Though you might hear laughing, spinning, swinging madly across the sun
It's not aimed at anyone
It's just a escaping on the run
And but for the sky there are no fences facing
And if you hear vague traces of skipping reels of rhyme
To your tambourine in time
It's just a ragged clown behind
I wouldn't pay it any mind
It's just a shadow you're seeing that he's chasing
Hey, Mr. Tambourine man, play a song for me
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to
Hey, Mr. Tambourine man, play a song for me
In the jingle jangle morning I'll come following you
And take me disappearing through the smoke rings of my mind
Down the foggy ruins of time
Far past the frozen leaves
The haunted frightened trees
Out to the windy bench
Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow
Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky
With one hand waving free
Silhouetted by the sea
Circled by the circus sands
With all memory of fate
Driven deep beneath the waves
Let me forget about today until tomorrow
Hey, Mr. Tambourine man, play a song for me
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to
Hey, Mr. Tambourine man, play a song for me
In the jingle jangle morning I'll come following you

What a poet indeed. So glad the Nobel prize people feel the same way!

This Town

The happy skier I keep coming back to

In keeping with the theme of coming back again to the same amazing man captured in yesterday's post, I bring you Niall Horan's version:

Waking up to kiss you and nobody's there
The smell of your perfume still stuck in the air
It's hard
Yesterday I thought I saw your shadow running 'round
It's funny how things never change in this old town
So far
From the stars

And I want to tell you everything
The words I never got to say the first time around
And I remember everything
From when we were the children playing in this fairground
Wish I was there with you now

'Cause if the whole world was watching I'd still dance with you
Drive highways and byways to be there with you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you
Mmmmm

I saw that you moved on with someone new
In the pub that we met he's got his arms around you
It's so hard
So hard

And I want to tell you everything
The words I never got to say the first time around
And I remember everything
From when we were the children playing in this fairground
Wish I was there with you now

'Cause if the whole world was watching I'd still dance with you
Drive highways and byways to be there with you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you

You still make me nervous when you walk in the room
Them butterflies—they come alive when I'm next to you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you

A poem from the art show yesterday

And I know that it's wrong
That I can't move on
But there's something 'bout you

At times I thought it was wrong, but yaaayyyyy it wasn't. It was right on!

'Cause if the whole world was watching I'd still dance with you
Drive highways and byways to be there with you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you

You still make me nervous when you walk in the room
Them butterflies—they come alive when I'm next to you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you
Mmmm
Everything comes back to you
Mmmm

It really, truly does. As I texted my boyfriend yesterday, when I saw this poem, I pondered whether it fit for us. An unbreakable arch? But then I realized it did. Because absolutely nothing about us broke while we were apart.

If anything, we are stronger than we ever were...

Over and Over Again

Not sure how well the video I posted here is gonna work, but it's a pretty cool representation of some of the many cool things my friend and I saw when we visited the art show at the Municipal building on Saturday.

We also got to eat delicious bagel sandwiches and discuss the difference between a love that feels right and a love that isn't sure it is even that -- and it's a world of difference, lemme tell you.

Just ask Nathan Sykes:

From the way you smile
To the way you look
You capture me
Unlike no other

From the first hello
Yeah, that's all it took
And suddenly
We had each other

And I won't leave you
Always be true
One plus one, two for life
Over and over again

So don't ever think I need more
I've got the one to live for
No one else will do
And I'm telling you
Just put your heart in my hands

I promise it won't get broken
We'll never forget this moment
It will stay brand new
'Cause I'll love you
Over and over again

Over and over again

From the heat of night
To the break of day
I'll keep you safe
And hold you forever

And the sparks will fly
They will never fade
'Cause every day gets better and better

And I won't leave you
Always be true
One plus one, two for life
Over and over again

So don't ever think I need more
I've got the one to live for
No one else will do
Yeah, I'm telling you
Just put your heart in my hands

I promise it won't get broken
We'll never forget this moment
It will stay brand new
'Cause I'll love you
Over and over again

Over and over again

Girl when I'm with you
I lose track of time
When I'm without you
You're stuck on my mind

Be all you need
'Til the day that I die
I'll love you
Over and over again

So don't ever think I need more
I've got the one to live for
No one else will do
Yeah, I'm telling you
Just put your heart in my hands

Promise it won't get broken
We'll never forget this moment
It will stay brand new
'Cause I'll love you
Over and over again

Yup, it's cheesy. But if anyone knows something about over and over again, it's the New Englander and me:

Over and over again

Over and over again

Voices Carry

Heard this beauty this morning during school dropoff:

I'm in the dark, I'd like to read his mind
But I'm frightened of the things I might find
Oh, there must be something he's thinking of
To tear him away-a-ay
When I tell him that I'm falling in love
Why does he say-a-ay

Hush hush, keep it down now, voices carry
Hush hush, keep it down now, voices carry
Uh-ah

I try so hard not to get upset
Because I know all the trouble I'll get
Oh, he tells me tears are something to hide
And something to fear-eh-eh
And I try so hard to keep it inside
So no one can hear

Hush hush, keep it down now, voices carry
Hush hush, keep it down now, voices carry
Hush hush, keep it down now, voices carry
Uh-ah

Oh!
He wants me, but only part of the time
He wants me, if he can keep me in line

Hush hush, keep it down now, voices carry
Hush hush, keep it down now, voices carry
Hush hush, shut up now, voices carry
Hush hush, keep it down now, voices carry
Hush hush, darling, she might overhear
Hush, hush - voices carry
He said shut up - he said shut up
Oh God can't you keep it down
Voices carry
Hush hush, voices carry

Nope, you can't keep it down, SJ, and now, you don't have to. Let that voice carry: He wants me ALL of the time.

Yay me!

Dancing On My Own

Last night I got to have a nice, long conversation with my boyfriend, filled with all the things I want out of a conversation with a boyfriend: comfort, joy, awareness, presence, understanding, brilliance, compassion, humor and of course, sexual chemistry across the miles.

Yep, we've got it all. And one of the things we talked about tonight was that I knew that, and part of me even knew that one day he'd be back.

I hoped. I hoped like hell. But I also tried to let go. And I managed to make room for the possibility that everything I knew in my heart and in my bones was wrong, but it was difficult to give that possibility much credence.

I didn't try very hard to find someone else, mostly because it felt disingenuous -- I didn't want anyone else. But every once in a while I'd pray that if I needed to be steered in another direction, I would be. And if that happened, it wouldn't mean settling. It would mean finding someone else who lit me up six ways to Sunday. (Hilarious tangent -- I just looked up that phrase to see if I was using it properly, and found this page, which gave this usage as an example: "I'd bang that girl six ways from Sunday she is vaginamite.") Yeah, that feeling. The one I had about him, and I knew he had about me. But I didn't meet anyone else in 3 plus years that hit a bullseye on every one of the things I want in a man.

On to today's song, which is on repeat both in my head and on my computer -- I cannot get enough of it. I feel like there are a couple of reasons it's resonating so hard today:

1) By sorta letting go but sorta holding on (because that's what my heart told me to do), I was in this painful in-between for much of the time we were apart. When we reunited, and my boyfriend described some takeaways from other relationships he'd had while we were apart, I felt what Calum so beautifully sings about here (much better than the original by Robyn if you ask me):

Somebody said you got a new friend
Does she love you better than I can
There's a big black sky over my town
I know where you're at I bet she's around
And yeah I know it's stupid
But I just gotta see it for myself

I'm in the corner watching you kiss her
Oh, oh, oh
And I'm right over here. Why can't you see me?
Oh, oh, oh
And I'm givin' it my all
But I'm not the guy you're taking home
Oh
I keep dancing on my own

I just wanna dance all night
I'm all messed up I'm so out of line
Stilettos and broken bottles
I'm spinning around in circles

And I'm in the corner watching you kiss her
Oh, oh, oh
And I'm right over here. Why can't you see me?
Oh, oh, oh
And I'm giving it my all
But I'm not the guy you're taking home
Oh
I keep dancing on my own
And oh, no no

So far away
But still so near
The lights come on
The music dies
But you don't see me standing here
I just came to say goodbye

And I'm in the corner watching you kiss her
Oh no
And I'm right over here. Why can't you see me?
Oh no
And I'm giving it my all
But I'm not the guy you're taking home
Ooh
I keep dancing on my own

So far away
But still so near
The lights come on
The music dies
But you don't see me standing here

I reckon a part of him saw, or at least felt, me (figuratively) standing there the whole time, but another part wouldn't let himself look. For fear of letting me down again, for fear of letting himself down again.

Not this time. Not letting the fear drive. Not now that we are both so clear about what we have to give and receive from each other...

2) The resonance for me of Calum's plaintive wail "I'm right over here, why can't you see me?" feels like it is really more  about my parents not being able to see me than it is about my boyfriend. Because the truth is, he was the first person to see all of me, since he helped heal and reveal so much of me, so I knew he could see me. He just didn't want to look. Until he was ready. Which of course was incredibly painful, but not nearly as painful as never being seen in one's wholeness at all...

Wish I Knew You

I keep hearing this happy number in the car:

You shine like a star
You know who you are
You're everything beautiful
She's hot, hot like the sun
The loneliest one
Still everything beautiful
Well I'll be god damned
You're standing at my door
We stayed up in the city
Until the stars lost the war
So Friday night, holy ghost
Take me to your level
Show me the one I need the most
I need the most

I wish I knew you when I was young
We could've got so high
Now we're here it's been so long
Two strangers in the bright lights
Oh I hope you don't mind
We can share my mood
Two strangers in the bright lights
I wish I knew you
I wish I knew you
Oh I wish I knew you when I was young

And it's funny -- I felt this way when I was with my boyfriend the last time around. I really, really did. I wished we had found each other, married, and had babies.

But this time around, I don't feel that way. I guess because I know everything that happened needed to happen for us both to be able to show up the way we are now and appreciate what we have in each other:

Truth, it's all that you need
You bury that seed
It's everything beautiful
That sound comes from the underground
It's all inside you now
It's everything beautiful
But what are you running from?
They got you on the run?
So Friday night, holy ghost
Take me to your level
Show me the one I need the most
I need the most

He is indeed the one I need the most. I was saying that before, mind you, but he wasn't ready to say I was the one he needed most. And also, I mighta needed him too much:

I wish I knew you when I was young
We could've got so high
Now we're here it's been so long
Two strangers in the bright lights
Oh and I hope you don't mind
We can share my mood, yeah
Two strangers in the bright lights
I wish I knew you
I wish I knew you
Oh I wish I knew you when I was young

I'm sure there is a part of me that will always feel like I wish I could have known him in all the other phases of his life, but the bigger part of me is now just really, really grateful that we do, indeed, share my mood:

Maybe we can share my mood
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Maybe we can share my mood
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Maybe we can share my mood
Whoa, whoa, whoa

...of contentment now that it's all working out just the way it was meant to be...

Iris

Forgive the flashmarks --Art by a UW professor

SUCH a great day today. Wow. From start to finish.

It started with a fun interaction with the man at the post office who asked me if I'd like anything else at the end of the transaction, to which I replied: "Nope, I believe you have met all of my needs this morning." He smiled: "It's been a long time since I've heard a woman say that."

I walked out with a spring in my step, grateful once again that my own lengthy period of having to meet so many of my own needs is coming to a close. Thanks Universe!

And then I got to spend 90 minutes talking with a UW Art professor who is an absolutely fascinating human being. I feel so fortunate to be in the role I'm in now, for which I am in part responsible for helping extend the impact of the brilliance of so many of our School of Education faculty. What a privilege!

The rest of my work day was productive in ways that I've needed it to be for a while but found elusive, and that's a feeling I have in general about my life right now. Like things are finally starting to fall into place. The vedic astrologer said that I am in a time of transition right now -- that there is a real sense of Before and After - that I now have the opportunity to slap a contract down in front of God with my childhood as collateral and demand a new life. And so I have.

I also got to go to yoga today with the one of my favorite teachers and a bunch of my favorite fellow yogis, where I just felt like more is possible in my body, with my body -- again, the same way I feel in my life right now. Which is a pretty great feeling.

Mind you, as I let all these fabulous feels come in, sometimes the hard ones come in too, as happened this morning during my yoga practice when I burst into tears during my sun salutations. I just remembered my Dad saying that he did not remember abusing me, but if it happened, he was deeply sorry and permanently ashamed. I feel that shame emanating from him, and I wish it wasn't there. I really do. Just not enough to take it on as I did before. And not enough to pretend it isn't there as I did for a very long time.

Perhaps this is why the armor is back, behind my heart, that went away a couple of weeks ago. I hoped it was gone for good, but I guess I should have known better. This cycle may well be lifelong -- protect myself here, open there, lather, rinse, repeat.

Finally, it is this song that has been on repeat on my inner ipod today. I love it when that happens -- not as a result of hearing a song externally -- but by tuning into my very own soundtrack:

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't wanna go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
When sooner or later it's over
I just don't wanna miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

Isn't this what we all want? I wanted so desperately for my parents to know who I was, but they don't seem to hold that capacity.

Just one more reason I feel so incredibly fortunate to be in love with someone who truly knows who I am. It's such a great feeling!

If I Ain't Got You

My daughter's snowman

Hooray for snow! My kids and I were so happy to see this white stuff when we woke up this morning. One of the things that the vedic astrologer told me is that I have to be sure to spend time at play -- that I tend not to do that and it's good for me to play.

Playing in the snow is about as childlike as it gets for me, so playing outside with my kids today was a real treat. I felt so fortunate to have a big chunk of time just hanging out with both kids this weekend -- I am increasingly aware that the time I have with them at home is fleeting.

I'm super thankful that just as I started to contemplate having an empty nest in five years, my other favorite playmate came back into my life. Writing this post, I was reminded of this one from back in 2013, the year he left. I totally remember standing on those snowy trails in Boulder and crying out: "I miss my playmate!"

I sure did. I spent almost three years contemplating the subject of this song (the one that played on my inner jukebox today was that James Bay version of Alicia Keys' original)-- not having him -- and I'm ever so grateful that I don't have to face that anymore. Everything just feels better with him back in my world. Lighter. Happier. More love-filled:

Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power, yeah
Some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things
Define what's within
And I've been there before
But that life's a bore
So full of the superficial

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you, baby
If I ain't got you, baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you, yeah

Some people search for a fountain
That promises forever young
Some people need three dozen roses
And that's the only way to prove you love them
Hand me the world on a silver platter
And what good would it be
With no one to share

And my snow angel!

With no one who truly cares for me

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you, baby
If I ain't got you, baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you, you, you
Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you, baby
If I ain't got you, baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you, yeah

If I ain't got you with me, baby
So nothing in this whole wide world don't mean a thing
If I ain't got you with me, baby

But I do have you, baby, and I will have you here in Madison with me and my other two favorite playmates soon enough!

Giants

One of my favorite giants - so much goodness!

Similar theme to the last post with this song and this post - More love:

I've been awake for days in the dusk and the dawn
And you're loving me whether you want to or not

Well I want you for sure, I am loving you more
I am loving you more
I am loving you more
I am loving you more

Who heard
What, no, right from the start
Go sell that shit somewhere farther from the heart
Running and running and running and stop
Come on we both knew this thing would be hard
I see art, you see class
You think, you ask
You say "Darling am I a chore?"

I said I know you love me, I am loving you more
I am loving you more
I am loving you more
I am loving you more

Pick up the perfect card
Slip into smiling wildly
After the rest have gone
We become beyond timeless
Give you everything that I have ever owned
Soon I will have bought us up a house and home
Up on the seventh floor

I know you love me I am loving you more
I am loving you more
I am loving you more
I am loving you more

I am loving you more
I am loving you more
I am loving you more
I am loving you more

Speaking of more to love, check out the photo of the giant Kombucha. These bottles make me so happy. I am by nature a guzzler, and I love Kombucha. I even wrote to GT Dave to tell him how happy they make me, which made everyone there happy too.

Hooray for loving everything more and more of everything to love!

Better Love

Whew, last night was a tough night. I went to bed nice and early in anticipation of an early morning practice -- My alarm was set for 4:30 and I was asleep by 9:30 pm -- but I woke up at 1:30 am (!), and I knew when I woke up that I wouldn't be getting back to sleep. I was triggered. Worked up. Unsettled.

I wasn't sure exactly why, but some of the thoughts churning through my head were about teaching the night before, where I'd attempted to hold a discussion on an incredible book that grapples with some tough topics: Between the World and Me. Did I give everyone an opportunity to be heard? Did I push my views on the students or allow space for them to form their own views?

But even after only four hours of sleep, I had a really great practice. Like I felt freedom in my body that I'd never felt before. My ribcage felt like less of a cage.

I talked to my boyfriend about it and he said that feeling that hard stuff may be difficult but it is also productive, and I reckon he's right.

I heard this song for the first time on my way back from practice this morning, and I knew who the artist was as he sang the very first note:

I once kneeled in shaking thrill
I chase the memory of it still, of every chill
Chided by that silence of a hush sublime
Blind to the purpose of the brute divine
But you were mine
Staring in the blackness at some distant star
The thrill of knowing how alone we are, unknown we are
To the wild and to the both of us
I confessed the longing I was dreaming of

Some better love, but there's no better love
Beckons above me and there's no better love
That ever has loved me, there's no better love
Darling, feel better love
Feel better love

And I've never loved a darker blue
Than the darkness I have known in you, own from you
You, whose heart would sing of anarchy
You would laugh at meanings, guarantees, so beautifully
When our truth is burned from history
By those who figured justice in fond memory, witness me
Like fire weeping from a cedar tree
Know that my love would burn with me
We'll live eternally

Cause there's no better love
That beckons above me, there's no better love
That ever has loved me, there's no better love
So darling, feel better love
Cause there's no better love
That's laid beside me, there's no better love
That justifies me, there's no better love
So darling, darling, feel better love
Feel better love

Feel better love
Feel better love
Feel better love

Cause there's no better love
That beckons above me, there's no better love
That ever has loved me, there's no better love
So darling, feel better love
Cause there's no better love
That's laid beside me, there's no better love
That justifies me, there's no better love
So darling, darling, feel better love
Feel better love

And I do feel like I am experiencing a better love than ever before. For one thing, I'm showing up differently. But he's different too, and I'm feeling that better love. Hopefully soon, I'll also be feeling better -- not just in my ribcage -- but done with this dang cold or whatever virus it is...