Better Love

Whew, last night was a tough night. I went to bed nice and early in anticipation of an early morning practice -- My alarm was set for 4:30 and I was asleep by 9:30 pm -- but I woke up at 1:30 am (!), and I knew when I woke up that I wouldn't be getting back to sleep. I was triggered. Worked up. Unsettled.

I wasn't sure exactly why, but some of the thoughts churning through my head were about teaching the night before, where I'd attempted to hold a discussion on an incredible book that grapples with some tough topics: Between the World and Me. Did I give everyone an opportunity to be heard? Did I push my views on the students or allow space for them to form their own views?

But even after only four hours of sleep, I had a really great practice. Like I felt freedom in my body that I'd never felt before. My ribcage felt like less of a cage.

I talked to my boyfriend about it and he said that feeling that hard stuff may be difficult but it is also productive, and I reckon he's right.

I heard this song for the first time on my way back from practice this morning, and I knew who the artist was as he sang the very first note:

I once kneeled in shaking thrill
I chase the memory of it still, of every chill
Chided by that silence of a hush sublime
Blind to the purpose of the brute divine
But you were mine
Staring in the blackness at some distant star
The thrill of knowing how alone we are, unknown we are
To the wild and to the both of us
I confessed the longing I was dreaming of

Some better love, but there's no better love
Beckons above me and there's no better love
That ever has loved me, there's no better love
Darling, feel better love
Feel better love

And I've never loved a darker blue
Than the darkness I have known in you, own from you
You, whose heart would sing of anarchy
You would laugh at meanings, guarantees, so beautifully
When our truth is burned from history
By those who figured justice in fond memory, witness me
Like fire weeping from a cedar tree
Know that my love would burn with me
We'll live eternally

Cause there's no better love
That beckons above me, there's no better love
That ever has loved me, there's no better love
So darling, feel better love
Cause there's no better love
That's laid beside me, there's no better love
That justifies me, there's no better love
So darling, darling, feel better love
Feel better love

Feel better love
Feel better love
Feel better love

Cause there's no better love
That beckons above me, there's no better love
That ever has loved me, there's no better love
So darling, feel better love
Cause there's no better love
That's laid beside me, there's no better love
That justifies me, there's no better love
So darling, darling, feel better love
Feel better love

And I do feel like I am experiencing a better love than ever before. For one thing, I'm showing up differently. But he's different too, and I'm feeling that better love. Hopefully soon, I'll also be feeling better -- not just in my ribcage -- but done with this dang cold or whatever virus it is...