Der Kommissar

Woke up this morning in a tent lying next to three of the people I love most in this world, my kids and my man. The song that was running through my head surprised me at first:

She was singin'

Don't turn around, uh-oh

Der Kommissar's in town, uh-oh

But on reflection, I knew why it had been subconsciously selected. My daughter is a very powerful creature. And sometimes, in families as in other areas of our lives, we fall into patterns that begin because they are the path of least resistance.

During the course of the three years that my kids and I have been a family of three, we have, to some degree, fallen into such a pattern in terms of giving my daughter Kommissar-like power, because when my son and I try to buck her, we often have to pay a price in terms of peace. Of course, I know from my child psychology books as well as from my own experience as a powerful kid that she doesn't really want that much power, in her heart of hearts, and giving it to her just puts her in a harder spot. Tricky business indeed.

These days, we often have another VIP added to our midst. And while my boyfriend brings so much that benefits all of us, singly and as a unit (I've never taken my kids camping and we did it two days after he moved across the country and we had an awesome time), it's also an enormous adjustment. And that brings out the tyrant in my tiniest.

We're going to find a way though, I know we are, to adjust these dynamics. As tough as it can be at times for all of us, adding to our equation is an opportunity way more than it is a challenge, especially with the amazingly open and conscious man who captured my heart...

Lay Lady Lay

The ipod dialed up this gem at an opportune moment last night (and speaking of gems, this youtube video is of vinyl on a record player -- it's pretty sweet).

It may be hard to find good renditions of his songs on youtube, but man, I love the poet in Dylan and I love it when he sings about my experiences. The only lyric I need to slightly change up to match my own reality is that it's my big brass bed and not my man's -- otherwise, it's all you Bob:

Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed

Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed

Whatever colors you have in your mind

I'll show them to you and you'll see them shine.

Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed

Stay, lady, stay, stay with your man awhile

Until the break of day, let me see you make him smile

His clothes are dirty but his hands are clean

And you're the best thing that he's ever seen.

Stay, lady, stay, stay with your man awhile

Why wait any longer for the world to begin

You can have your cake and eat it too

Why wait any longer for the one you love

When he's standing in front of you.

Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed

Stay, lady, stay, stay while the night is still ahead

I long to see you in the morning light

I long to reach for you in the night

Stay, lady, stay, stay while the night is still ahead.

Tonight's the Night

The inner jukebox has had this number revved and ready for weeks, and indeed, tonight is the night I have been waiting for for months:

Tonights the night

It's gonna be alright

Cause I love you girl

Ain't nobody gonna stop us now

It's an obvious choice in a lot of respects, but what struck me as I listened to it over and over again on internal repeat was that things have been alright for me for months now, even years.

But tonight's the night it's gonna be all right.

I Drove All Night

This song came to me when I talked to my boyfriend from the midpoint of his road trip today, and he said there was a part of him that just wanted to keep on driving (rather than stopping for some much-needed rest). We had a few moments during the long distance portion of our relationship where we considered getting in the car and driving through the night toward each other, but we never actually did that for practical reasons like busy schedules and time commitments.

Part of me loves the idea of it, though -- of the strength of the passion being enough to overcome bodily needs (like sleep):

I drove all night to get to you

Is that alright

I drove all night

Crept in your room

Woke you from your sleep

To make love to you

Is that alright

I drove all night

And that part of me feels a little sad we never made that happen, but I reckon that's the same part of me that wishes I didn't have to work but could just have all the money I needed and other similar ungrounded-in-reality kind of thoughts. Ultimately, I think we'll be better off having taken care of our own needs (and the needs of my progeny in my case) before coming together and I don't believe that has to dull the ardor one bit:

What in this world

Keep us from tearing apart

No matter where I go I hear

The beating of your heart

I think about you

When the night is cold and dark

No one can move me

The way that you do

Nothing erases the feeling between me and you...

The Final Countdown

It seems all my people are excited about my boyfriend's pending arrival. I ran into a friend downtown this morning with my kids. "Is he here?" she asked excitedly. "Monday!" I told her. Later on, texting with another friend, I told him it was now only two days until my man arrives. "I love a good countdown!" he replied.

That fired up this number on the inner jukebox, and my 11-year old was right next to me to supply the name of the artist (he's into the oldies):

It's the final countdown

The final countdown

The final countdown

(The final countdown)

Ohh ho ohh

I'm pretty damn sure things will never be the same again and I can't wait 'til the end of this final countdown!

ABC

This classic came to mind today during a meeting about how to improve reading instruction in our state. It is not, the experts stated emphatically, as easy as 123:

ABC

Easy as...

123

Or simple as...

Do re mi

ABC, 123, baby, you and me girl

Now the Jacksons weren't really singing about the teaching or learning of reading, but they do hit upon some of the same themes we talked about at the meeting. Where kids begin, in terms of resources in their homes -- financial, physical, emotional -- resources, makes a dramatic difference in where they are when they show up for Kindergarten.

Come on, come one, come on

Let me show you what it's all about!

Reading, writing and arithmetic

Are the branches of the learning tree

But without the roots of love every day, girl

Your education ain't complete

True enough, except that I don't think it's a shortage of love, even in the poorest of homes. I think there is often a lack of capacity to provide the quality of care every parent would like to be able to provide -- it's just that some know what it looks like and lack what it takes to implement it and some don't even know what it looks like.

"You can't teach what you don't know," one of the experts reminded at the meeting. Same thing goes for parents. This means that teachers working in high-poverty settings have an even more difficult job to do than the tough job all teachers have. But there are teachers in those circumstances getting the job done for the kids and we shouldn't settle for anything less in any of our classrooms.

Playground

In the summertime, my kids and I spend a lot of time outside. We live near a number of parks and the UW Arboretum, so we're well situated to easily enjoy the outdoors and really relish that time. Tonight when we were at the playground at the kids' school, my son looked around, and then said: "I noticed a difference between this school and my new school. My new school doesn't have playground equipment. I'm ok with that, I'm just saying I noticed it."

It broke my heart a little bit to hear him say that -- moving on to middle school is such an in-between time I think -- they're still little kids in some ways but in others they're ready to be more grown up.

It also brought to mind a song from my days working as a counselor at Holiday Home Camp with inner city kids from Chicago:

Rollin through the park tryin to make another hit

Little do they know that soldiers' legit

I'm not sayin this to put nobody down

This is what I see at the playground .. ya know!

The kids used to play this song and dance to it when we were back in our cabin at night, and I think I remember them choreographing a dance to it that they performed on skit night. Serious rhythm in those little bodies. Serious creativity too.

I talked to one of my old campers just the other day. She had moved her family to Oklahoma, but was back in Chicago visiting. I asked her how it was going, and she said good, but her kids were going crazy because they couldn't go outside. "Kids are getting shot outside every day!" she reminded me. It's so sad to think that for some kids, the outside time each summer that we take for granted either doesn't happen or is filled with danger.

Must. Do. Something. About: Inner-City Poverty.

The Greatest Love of All

Yesterday I attended a very powerful conference on the extent to which we are failing our nation's youth with our current "college for all" system. According to these experts, only 1/3 of all jobs over the next decade will require a BA/BS or better. One third! Yet we behave as if all of them do, setting many kids up for failure when they put their money toward a Bachelor's only to drop out and find themselves without training for a career. It's high time we adults adapt the system in a way that serves kids instead of ourselves.

One of the speakers talked about the Masai tribe, which revere their young, greeting each other by saying: "Kasserian Ingera" or "How are the Children?" This tribe has an understanding that the state of the children foretells the state of the whole society.

This brought to mind an old fave of mine, one of a number of songs that my friend and I sang on trains across Europe in the early 90s -- the cheesier the better -- and this one was right up there. It may be cheesy, but it has a powerful message:

I believe the children are our are future

Teach them well and let them lead the way

Show them all the beauty they possess inside

Give them a sense of pride to make it easier

Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be...

Trust me, it's a good one for really belting it out, just as Whitney does. I remember feeling empowered by this song, too, though I think I fell a little short (in my 20s) of enjoying the greatest love of all:

I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows

If I fail, if I succeed

At least I live as I believe

No matter what they take from me

They can't take away my dignity

Because the greatest love of all

Is happening to me

I found the greatest love of all

Inside of me

The greatest love of all

Is easy to achieve

Learning to love yourself

It is the greatest love of all

I agree with her that it is the greatest love of all because without it, you can't truly love another, but I gotta beg to differ on it being easy to achieve. It sure has taken me a while and it's not been for lack of trying! I try every day to mirror the beauty my children possess inside, hoping that by doing so I may shorten their struggle to find self-love...

Baby Got Back

My son was singing this song to himself the other day, and it cracked me up to hear him say:

I like big butts and I cannot lie

You other brothers can't deny...

I don't think he knows many of the lyrics, and that's probably for the best, but this song popped into my head today when I had an interesting little experience on my bike. I turned right onto a street in front of someone else also traveling in the bike lane. I thought it was someone I used to work with, but I wasn't positive, and it was sort of hard to turn around and check in a safe and not-weird way. So I kept riding, and when I went to turn off, I saw that it was him and said hi. "I thought that was you!" he said, "But I wasn't sure, so I figured I'd just stare at your ass." It totally cracked me up that he said that, out loud, Sir-Mix-a-Lot style:

I'm hooked and I can't stop staring

Oh, baby I wanna get witcha

And take your pictcha

My homeboys tried ta warn me

But that butt you got

Makes m-m-me so horny

I personally think my bike-commuter butt is a little more gluteus MAXimus than I'd like, but my man definitely has a Sir-Mix-a-Lot appreciation for it himself:

So Fellas (yeah) Fellas(yeah)

Does your girlfriend got the butt (hell yeah)

Tell em shake it, (shake it), shake it,(shake it), shake that healthy butt

And I gotta say I like the message. This self-acceptance thing is way underrated and it's a bummer that it takes most of us a handful of decades to get there...

Daniel

This hasn't been an easy day for me, but this song has been keeping me company all day, on repeat on the inner jukebox:

Daniel my brother you are older than me

Do you still feel the pain of the scars that won't heal

Your eyes have died but you see more than I

Daniel you're a star in the face of the sky

It isn't specifically about fathers, but somehow it seems to be about the emotion that I feel about my father in a lot of ways. Though he's not physically dead, it seems the pain of the scars that won't heal has reduced him to a shadow of the being that I can feel he is on some level.

It has been SO hard for me over the years, dealing with the weight of that pain. As a young girl I knew it was there and tried to carry it for him; as a young woman I denied that it was there and tried to pretend he was the person I wanted him to be (and when he wasn't, looked for fathers in a husband and a boss); and now, at the midpoint of my expected life span, I feel more and more ready to allow him to be where he is and just be present to that pain without either taking it on or expecting it to transform.

Struggling with all this, a friend texted me suggesting a movie and I decided that was just the thing. I ended up seeing Tree of Life, a visually breathtaking, engrossing, difficult to follow movie that was very much about the failings of our fathers.

And although my inner jukebox had landed on this selection even before I had decided on this film, when I read the lyrics I felt like it was an uncanny match for this film, which is also about a brother dying:

Oh and I can see Daniel waving goodbye

God it looks like Daniel, must be the clouds in my eyes

Oh God it looks like Daniel, must be the clouds in my eye

And because it's a Terence Malick film, it actually visually explores whether people who die are clouds in our eyes or stars in the face of the sky... pretty cool stuff!

Everything Zen

My son admitted the other day that he was struggling in a couple of his friendships. It seems that two of his closer friends have taken to watching violent and sexual videos on you tube and talking about them, which makes him really uncomfortable. He'd been wrestling with how to handle the situation and had finally broken down one night confiding the issue to his cat, which he often does. Luckily his Dad heard the tears, and over the next few days we did our best to help him handle the situation. Poor kid.

I told my man about the situation and this was the song that came to him. Looking up the lyrics, I could just hear my son wanting to shout at his friends:

Try to see it once my way

Everything zen

Everything zen

I don't think so

But at the same time not wanting to upset them or seem uncool. Today when we talked about it, he reported that he had used one of the strategies we'd come up with. During a playdate with one of the friends, he'd told him when the subject was brought up that he thought it was gross and didn't want to talk about it. And it worked! I was super proud of him and am hopeful that the tactic will continue to work.

Listening to this song, these are the lyrics I remember most:

There's no sex in your violence

There's no sex in your violence

I'm not sure I knew what they meant, exactly, when I used to sing along to this hit in the mid 90s; I mostly just liked the way it sounded. Now I think I get it, and I hope that both my kids will continue to share these sorts of crises as they inevitably emerge over the next decade or so of growing up and figuring things out.

YMCA

It's funny how a song can evolve across the course of a lifetime. This one took a dramatic turn for me today when it was one of the selections at my son's summer band camp concert. The conductor invited the audience to participate, but I declined. Somehow it didn't seem the thing without the strong buzz I'd had over the years all the other times I joined the Village People by making my body into letters.

Can you say timeless classic? Look at these guys!

Young man, there's no need to feel down.

I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground.

I said, young man, 'cause you're in a new town

There's no need to be unhappy.

Young man, there's a place you can go.

I said, young man, when you're short on your dough.

You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find

Many ways to have a good time.

It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A.

It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A.

They have everything that you need to enjoy,

You can hang out with all the boys ...

Joining in or not -- hearing them play it sure made me smile!

A Cup of Coffee

I had one my most painful moments of this cleanse so far today when I got into my car for a road trip. I had gas. I had books on cd. I had snacks. But no coffee - and what is a road trip without coffee? Johnny Cash is with me on this one:

Been drivin' haulin' load of grain all day long

Got about three more hundred miles to go

And well I just dropped in to have a cup of coffee friend

Yeah I just dropped in to have a cup of coffee friend

Don't you offer me none of that whiskey don't need no wine

Gotta get that semi down the line

Ok, so I wasn't hauling grain and I didn't have to go quite 300 miles, but what I wouldn't have given to stop in for a cup of coffee along the way. It's astounding to me how compelling rituals are -- I appear to be much more addicted to the ritual than the drug.

I wasn't sure it could be done, but I'm here to tell you I got through it. One of the things that is keeping me going is the thought of a coffee-included road trip in my near future (with my man no less!)...

Janie's Got a Gun

Today the Wisconsin Legislature debated legislation on concealed carry, which inspired the inner jukebox of yours truly to break out a little Aerosmith:

Dum, dum, dum, honey what have you done?

Dum, dum, dum it's the sound of my gun.

Dum, dum, dum, honey what have you done?

Dum, dum, dum it's the sound

Janie's got a gun

Janie's got a gun

Her whole world's come undone

From lookin' straight at the sun

What did her daddy do?

What did he put you through?

They said when Janie was arrested

they found him underneath a train

But man, he had it comin' Now that Janie's got a gun

she ain't never gonna be the same.

Run away, run away from the pain yeah, yeah yeah yeah

Run away run away from the pain yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Run away, run away, run, run away

Janie's got a gun

Janie's got a gun

Her dog day's just begun

Now everybody is on the run

This song has always appealed to me for some reason -- maybe it's the combination of the satisfaction you feel that Janie can avenge the wrongs she's had to endure and the acknowledgement that giving her the power to do so means no one is safe. I guess that pretty much sums up my feelings on the issue. I get it. I get the desire. I get that the constitution says it's a right. I just don't like the unintended (or even sometimes intended) consequences that go along with that...

Here Comes the Sun

Those Beatles sure nailed it, over and over again, didn't they? When my ipod shuffled onto this track tonight:

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter

Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun

and I say it's all right

I thought yeah, it has been a long cold lonely winter. And I don't just mean the season of winter that just passed. I mean the winter of discontent associated with getting divorced. It had many cold and lonely elements, from the loneliness associated with having been next to a body for 13 years and suddenly finding myself in bed alone; to the sometimes exciting but ultimately cold and lonely sexual escapades with other men during the not-ready-for-a-real-relationship phase; to the confusing-to-the-body loneliness associated with having found a love but having him be over 1000 miles away for nearly a year. But the sun is indeed coming -- two weeks from tomorrow he rolls into town and the cold and lonely times (at least the ones described here) are officially behind me. Whew!

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces

Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun

and I say it's all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

And though the original is hard to beat, you may want to check out some of the many covers. There's one by Nina Simone, who was heretofore unknown to me but apparently known to some as the high priestess of soul; one by Sheryl Crow for The Bee Movie; and my personal fave of the covers, Coldplay's version.

Back to Mono

Well that didn't take long. Set an intention and poof: it came true. Just after I'd finished last night's blog post, my ex called me back on his way home from seeing these guys in concert. The video for this track appealed to me because of the colors in the freeze frame, and since these guys still release albums on vinyl, it seems apropos (see video).

As for our ability to come together to support our children, I left him a tearful message earlier (which probably did some melting of its own) to let him know that our son had called my friend's daughter two really ugly swear words that I'm not going to repeat here. Thank goodness for parenting books that teach us how to respond in productive ways -- I can't say that my first instinct would be to say: "Wow honey, you must've been really angry at her to call her those names. You need to find some acceptable means of expressing that anger, but calling her swear words is NOT acceptable." But I do see why that's better than just getting mad at him or telling him how much it hurt me to hear that from my friend. It's important, though, as my ex pointed out, for him to know that his actions don't occur in a vacuum and these things do get back to parents -- at least often enough to inspire us to get our kids -- and ourselves the help we need.

This parenting gig ain't easy -- especially in combination with this cleanse -- but the growth that it inspires at every turn is pretty remarkable...

Cold Cold Heart

I'm in a Norah Jones mood today, and when I visited my friend youtube and typed her name in, I found this gorgeous cover of an old Hank Williams Sr. hit and then listened to it on repeat for the next several minutes:

I tried so hard my dear to show that you're my every dream

Yet you're afraid each thing I do is just some evil scheme

A memory from your lonesome past keeps us so far apart

Why can't I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold cold heart

And although the lyrics don't fit exactly, the sentiment is similar to the one I feel sometimes talking to my ex-husband (as I did tonight). I guess if I didn't manage to melt his cold cold heart when we were married, I'm not likely to do it now, but every time I even try to talk to him about emotions, we end up fighting. I think he's still a little bit mad that he couldn't melt my cold cold heart (cuz it needed some major thawing when we met just as his did):

Another love before my time made your heart sad and blue

And so my heart is paying now for things I didn't do

In anger unkind words are said that make the teardrops start

Why can't I free your doubtful mind, and melt your cold cold heart

I'm hoping that now that both of us have other loves doing said melting, we can come together in a way that is supportive to our children. I sure hope so.

And as much as I dig Norah's cover, Hank Sr. is just pure gold -- check him out.

Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk

This damn diet! I'm sooooo sick of eating pieces of broiled fish. And that's not even the worst part -- there are so many restricted items that even at the co-op I can't eat a single one of the prepared meals or salads. I sure hope this cleansing is worth all the pain. I have to admit I am sleeping a lot better -- the last two nights I've gotten eight hours in a row without waking up in the middle - -which really only happens on rare occasions when consuming my normal diet. We'll see if it keeps up.

I keep having to remind myself that this is a choice I am making -- and in the middle of one of these rows with myself I heard Rufus's voice:

Cigarettes and chocolate milk

These are just a couple of my cravings

Everything it seems I like's a little bit stronger

A little bit thicker, a little bit harmful for me

If I should buy jellybeans

Have to eat them all in just one sitting

Everything it seems I like's a little bit sweeter

A little bit fatter, a little bit harmful for me

I gave up the smoky treats years ago (except for the occasional here and there -- and the last one of those I can remember was July 4 last summer) -- but I sure do like my coffee, chocolate, booze and bread. Part of my rationale for doing this cleanse was so I could break out of my ruts and then consciously add back what I really miss, maybe in smaller doses, so I can have the better sleep and (at least some of) the goodies. Here's hoping!

School's Out

Last day of school for my kids, and coincidentally, a day full of work stress -- the combination of these make Alice Cooper's classic just the right pick for today:

School's out for summer

School's out forever

And for my son, who spent the first six years of his education in this lovely little progressive school but who is off to public middle school in the fall, it really sort of is out forever. And that's just the way he wants it. This is a kid who lives for vacations, especially the three month variety:

No more pencils

No more books

No more teacher's dirty looks

Out for summer

Out till fall

We might not go back at all

Oh, yes they will. Summer is always such a mixed bag for me. I love the weather, but I hate having to juggle work and kids without the structure of school. Every year I wish I had the summer off or was a stay-at-home Mom but I just haven't managed to work that out quite yet. Oh well -- maybe next year!

Oliver's Army

Today my song choice comes from an unlikely source: a colleague who, while in my office, overheard a conversation about an overzealous fellow who has been calling and stopping by quite frequently of late. The lyrics are indeed apropos:

Oliver's army is here to stay

Oliver's army are on their way

And I would rather be anywhere else

But here today

Check out this vintage 1979 Elvis Costello video of the original, which is hands down far superior, in my estimation, to this cover by Blur...

96 Degrees in the Shade

It was a hot one today -- the title of this song is quite literally an accuweather description of this afternoon. And it was "Fun Day" at my kids' school, an entire day spent outside playing. Luckily a lot of the games involved water -- including the station that I (wo)manned this afternoon. Although I missed the rotation of my own kids through the squirt gun and splash pool area (they visited it in the morning while I was at work), I did get to see other kids between the ages of 5 and 14, and I was struck by how remarkably similar their play was, even given the big age range. For example, there was an ageless fascination with squirting people's butts, and in each group, there was at least one person who loudly and repeatedly announced: "I don't want to be squirted!"

Me? When I was asked if it was ok to squirt me, I relished every moment of the "Squirt the teacher!" barrage of water that ensued when each group discovered I was fair game.

And here's something else about me. I dig these black dudes, and I fully appreciate that they are singing about a lot more than hot temps in this song:

You caught me on the loose

Fighting to be free

Now you show me a noose

On the cotton tree

Entertainment for you

Martyrdom for me

96 degrees in the shade

Real hot in the shade

Some may suffer and some may burn

But i know that one day my people will learn

As sure as the sun shines, way up in the sky

Today i stand here a victim the truth is i'll never die

96 degrees in the shade

Real hot in the shade...

Let Me See

I was listening to my ipod tonight when it shuffled on to a previously unknown track that spoke to me -- particularly the line "Waiting for you takes so long." Then I checked out the lyrics and I'm finding them fascinating in that "I think there's a religious message in here but I'm not really sure what it is" kind of way:

Who can you trust when you need to?

Why do we rust when we heed you?

Crashing back down to earth I've found

We can love

Oh, let me see

All of the places that I can be

Oh, let me know

All of the places where we can go

Do you ever think in bubbles?

Do you ever shake up troubles?

Falling apart right from the start

Crawling 'round

Oh, let me see

All of the places that I can be

Oh, let me know

All of the places where we can go

Show us how to stand up, strong

Waiting, for you takes so long

Shadows leave us standing naked

We can't fake it

Oh, let me see

All of the places that I can be

Oh, let me know

All of the places where we can go

It sounds like a prayer of sorts, doesn't it? Or maybe a description of an experience with narcotics? In any case, the chorus is one I can get behind: I am indeed feeling ready to for the places I can be to be further revealed...

Cold Beverage

It ain't always easy being a solo homeowner, especially without the financial cushion recommended for those in such a position. Today, as it became clearer and clearer that my malfunctioning freezer needed some serious attention, was one of those times. I don't have the cash to splash out on a new one, and I don't feel like driving up my credit card balance, so I'm going with the repair route. Hopefully it'll all work out in the end, but as the day wore on and my not-quite-cold-enough-freezer gave way to warm-even-in-the-fridge and I sent the contents of both to temporary homes, I had to bring out a little G. Love to get me through:

Caught a chill vibe

Orange juice in my ride

Wawa's to the right

They got beverage inside

Dig me a hot coffee

Fill it up with ice

Watermelons like drink

Please fix me a large slice

Summertime is cool the heat is getting old

Yeah I'll have a beverage

Just make sure it's cold

Yeah

I like cold beverage, yeah

'Cuz I'm feelin' kinda thirsty

Stick it in the fridge, stick it in the fridge,

stick it in the fridge, stick it in the fridge

On top of the fridge/freezer issue, I'm preparing for some coffee-free time ahead and I think that's making this all a little tougher. On Tuesday I'm starting the Clean Program, 21 days during which I'll give up most of the things that sustain me on a daily basis including coffee, sodas, sugar, wheat, dairy, chocolate and alcohol. I'm not a huge consumer of any of the above -- I drink decaf coffee, and I'm generally what my friend and I used to skeptically refer to as a one-drink wonder. But still. I'm starting to wean from these items before the cleanse starts so that it isn't so painful once it does, and as I nurse the dull ache from the caffeine withdrawal that six ibuprofen couldn't even blunt, I'm beginning to face that there's a lot tied up in the consumption that is my norm, both physically and emotionally. More on that over the next three weeks -- for now, I leave you with my favorite lyrics from this perennial favorite:

Go girl work the cold one

Go girl work the cold one

Go girl work the cold one

Go girl work the cold one

Before you serve my drink

Please stick it in the fridge!

Everybody Hurts

This afternoon I had a long talk with my man, mostly about loss. I don't think there's any two ways about it: divorce is one big motherfucking loss. I cried talking to him about both his loss and mine, and I also had a beautiful moment in which I realized that the man I'm in love with now has such a hugely open heart he's never going to close it to me, not even if we decide to split up someday.

Later in the evening I talked to a friend who is still very much in the raw split-up stage, and whose wife I think it is fair to say has definitely closed her heart to him. I totally felt his pain, and the song I'd heard the day before in the car came back to me as I listened to him:

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,

When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on

Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along

When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)

If you feel like letting go, (hold on)

When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on

'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends

Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand

If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,

When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,

Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes

And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

Everybody hurts. You are not alone...

I Touch Myself

My boyfriend and I decided that although this last stretch of long-distance lovin' is not nearly as hard on us emotionally as the others, when a part of us was still wondering which way it was going to go, it has never been harder to be apart physically. Our systems seem to be screaming: "Alright then, if you're so sure, why aren't you delivering the goods?" Or as his disatisfied self so adorably put it yesterday: "Bring back that leggy redhead. She'll fix this problem!"

Alas, this leggy redhead remains over a thousand miles away from her man for a few more weeks, during which time, however unfortunate it may feel, this song strikes a chord:

I love myself

I want you to love me

When I'm feelin' down

I want you above me

I search myself

I want you to find me

I forget myself

I want you to remind me

I don't want anybody else

When I think about you

I touch myself

I don't want anybody else

Oh no, oh no, oh no

Head Like a Hole

Trent Reznor and the rest of NIN will always have a soft spot in my heart. Although it wasn't until I googled the lyrics that had popped into my head:

Bow down before the one you serve

You're going to get what you deserve

...that I realized it was a NIN song, when I fired up this video, it felt like seeing an old friend. I once had a crush (that might be a bit of an understatement since it consumed my every action and feeling for a good six months or so) on a guy who was super into NIN, so the music just reminds me of that time in my life. It was a good time, in a lot of ways. We had a lot of fun together -- I was just always unsatisfied by the lack of action, and yet I continued to go out with him and let him crash in my bed rather than moving on to more physically and emotionally satisfying pastures. Looking back on it, although it didn't feel like it at the time, I must've, on some level, been getting what I needed, even if I definitely didn't feel like I was getting what I deserved.

Which is a great segue to the reason I reckon this song came to me this evening. It must be related to a conversation I had this morning with a friend about the nature of deserving and needing and how to differentiate them. We'd both recently had experiences where we didn't get what we felt we deserved, and had thus come away frustrated, angry. And we talked about the fact that there is often little to no relationship between what one deserves and what one has or is or feels in any given moment. Defined as what one deserves, if that isn't what the moment holds, disappointment ensues. Defined as what one needs, the need might not be met in the moment, but once it is identified, a plan can be made to get those needs met. That was the step I didn't take when I was obsessed with NIN-boy -- identifying the need and then opening myself to the need being met. Instead I fixated on the deserving piece. It didn't get me very far then, and it doesn't get me very far now -- so I'm going to make every attempt to get in touch with and articulate my needs.

And right now, I'm tired and I need to sleep, but I can't sign off without citing these choice lyrics -- some of the best fodder for an angry mouth that I can think of:

Head like a hole,

Black as your soul.

I'd rather die than give you control...

Probably not a recipe for happiness, but so satisfying in its very own goth-punk way.

This is the Last Day of Our Acquaintance

This song floated into my head today. It's such a beautiful song, just heart-wrenchingly sad, and a good one if you're in need of an end of relationship cathartic release:

This is the last day of our acquaintance

I will meet you later in somebody's office

I'll talk but you won't listen to me

I know what your answer will be

I know you don't love me anymore

You used to hold my hand when the plane took off

Two years ago there just seemed so much more

And I don't know what happened to our love

I'm happy to report I didn't feel sad when it started to play inside my head today -- and that the lyrics were quickly changed to "This is the last month without my man."

So excited about that! Hopefully this beautiful bald balladeer won't mind if I mix it up a bit. Will you, Sinead?