All of the Lights

Few things are more reassuring to me these days than waking up with a song in my head. It tells me the circuits are connected, the juices are flowing, the message is here, and it's my job to figure out how to put the message to use. Today's message isn't the least bit cryptic.

I woke up hearing, loud and clear:

Turn up the lights in here baby
extra bright, I want y'all to see this
turn up the lights in here, baby
you know what I need
want you to see everything

I reckon this song arose out of two (or maybe three) circumstances:

1) Walking out of a particularly grueling (but productive) therapy session yesterday, my therapist left me with this parting word: transparency. She urged my love and I to let each other in on our thinking more, to collaborate and make decisions jointly. An area in which I, admittedly, could use some work. But I really think I'm good for it this time around.

2) My decision to make this blog public again and my renewed commitment to working on my memoir.

(3) I've been working out at the gym a lot, and this one has been a staple lately.

Set Fire to the Rain

Unlike the loved ones closest to me, I get excited every time Adele comes on the radio, and this song is no exception, especially more recently, as my own heart has been experiencing the contradictory (set fire to rain??) feelings that loving someone often brings up.

Thankfully, although I can relate to the falling feelings:

I let it fall, my heart
And as it fell, you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me

My hands, they're strong
But my knees were far too weak
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet

And I can relate to the "this feels so right" feelings:

When laying with you
I could stay there, close my eyes
Feel you here, forever
You and me together, nothing is better

I can only sort of relate to the way in which her heart got broken this time around:

'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true
And the games you'd play, you would always win, always win

Because I was lucky enough to fall in love with someone who was willing to show me all of his sides; and I have to believe that the things he said were true, even if sometimes that makes it very hard to understand why things are happening the way they are happening right now; and I don't believe he has ever played games when it comes to loving someone, except maybe with himself.

So I'm not throwing us into the flames just yet:

I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Where I felt somethin' die, 'cause I knew that
That was the last time, the last time

Any temptation I've had to do so seems motivated by a desire to protect myself -- and from what? More growth? Continuing to be loved by an extraordinary man? No, I'm trying to protect myself from old wounds and future heartbreak, and I know that both are futile.

But man, oh man, I do hate the feeling that she sings about here -- and it feels unfair that I'm having these feelings when it isn't really over:

Sometimes I wake up by the door
Now that you've gone, must be waiting for you
Even now when it's already over
I can't help myself from looking for you

Maybe the key is to let myself keep looking for him, and reassure myself that he will walk through the door again.

Lucky me!

Push It

Yesterday morning I was running a little late to teach yoga -- not late enough to have to drive instead of ride my beloved bike (actually I don't have a lot of love for my particular bicycle but I do love propelling myself on two wheels) -- but late enough to have this song running through my head as I climbed up a giant (by Wisconsin standards) hill:

Ah, push it - push it good
Ah, push it - push it real good
Ah, push it - push it good
Ah, push it - p-push it real good

Hey! Ow!
Push it good!

Thanks, Salt n Pepa, for giving me that little extra something something I needed to get up that hill!

The Air that I Breathe

Heard this song today while hanging out on a dock in the lovely Spring sunshine -- we sure have been blessed with a lot of that this year -- some of it even came before the official start of spring. In fact, the warm weather came so early this year that the tree that is normally blooming in time for my daughter's birthday, May 10, was blooming when i walked past it today. Crazy.

Anyway, as my friend and I were lying underneath this blue sky, we happened to be chatting about my blog when the song came on, so it seems like the natural choice for today. I said as much to my friend, but reserved the right to throw in a question mark, since a question mark is looming large on this 25th day of March, the day the man I love was born. See, instead of getting to spend it showing him just how worthy of celebration that is, I'm spending it dealing with the fact that that is not how I'm spending it. Perhaps he already knows that, but just chooses to share it with old friends? Perhaps there could come a time when I'll feel ok about that, but this year it sure feels yucky.

When I got home and looked up these lyrics, I realized The Hollies had their own way of throwing in a question mark - the word Sometimes:

If I could make a wish I think I'd pass
Can't think of anything I need
No cigarettes, no sleep, no light, no sound
Nothing to eat no books to read
Making love with you, has left me peaceful warm inside
What more could I ask
There's nothing left to be desired

Sometimes all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe yes to love you
Just to have you now
All I need is the air that I breathe you're all I want

 And during those other times, well, sometimes they feel awesome and liberating and sometimes they feel lonely and scary and maybe, just maybe that's just the way life is.

In the meantime, it could just be a redhead thing, but this version by Simply Red sounds more like the one in my head...

Heal the World

Today's song selection is in honor of my firstborn, whose innate desire to protect nature and be kind to people helps heal the world every day. He is 12 years old today, a responsible middle schooler who gets his homework done without being asked.

Tonight one of his assignments was to write a paragraph about a woman who was similar to one of the women he is studying. "Could I compare you to Mother Theresa, Mom, since you're always kind to people no matter what?"

Love that kid, and although I'm still no saint, I can honestly say that I'm a whole lot more like Mother Theresa since he's been my companion on this planet. Like all children in their own way, he's making good on Michael's plea to:

Heal the world
Make it a better place
For you and for me and the entire human race
There are people dying
If you care enough for the living
Make a better place for
You and for me

If you want to know why
There's a love that cannot lie
Love is strong
It only cares for joyful giving
If we try we shall see
In this bliss we cannot feel
Fear or dread
We stop existing and start living

So grateful to have made that transition from existing to living, and I'm not sure I would have done it without my babes.

Egg Raid on Mojo

This has been a cracking good day from start to finish, and it started, at 4am, with me cracking an egg.

Unlike one of the coolest bands ever, The Beastie Boys, my egg raid took place in my kitchen, but seeing this video tonight sure brought back some fond memories of my slam-dancing youth. (Mind you, when this video was shot, I was 8, and my dancing was a little less violent in those days.)

But I digress -- back to the 4am egg. This past week has been rough on me, so I've been trying to be good to myself in little ways, like eating and drinking what I want when I want. Last night I had two cravings: eggs and pasta, and though I briefly thought about combining the two I quickly settled on tortellini with pesto instead. When I went to sleep, after enjoying some vino, I dreamt about eggs. Weird dreams, not that there are probably a lot of normal dreams about eggs, but these were pretty strange. Like I gave two people gifts, and they were eggs. Cooked eggs, but wrapped up as if they were presents. And I packed for a business trip, only to realize, when I got there, that I hadn't brought a suit to wear, only an egg sandwich. You may be starting to see why, when I woke up to pee at 4am (which is not unusual), I got out a frying pan, turned it on, and cooked myself an egg (which is unusual). I ate it on toast with avocado, and it tasted about as good as anything I've ever eaten has tasted. Weird, huh? Then I meditated a bit, and fell back to sleep.

It was a gorgeous day today, and I had the good fortune to meet one of my favorite pals to enjoy some time outside right in the middle of it. I told him my egg tale, and he had some fascinating takes on it. I'm not going to go into it all here, but there was talk about amniotic sacs, and yolks, and the need for both nourishment and protection, and maybe I wasn't getting both even though I needed both, and the sperm and the egg, and maybe I've been too spermy and I need to be more eggy. The egg, you see, drops and then waits to see what comes to it. I, on the other hand, have been doing a lot of swimming. Perhaps too much swimming.

I reckon the moral of the story is this: enter the scene (drop), sit, wait until you've been given nourishment and protection, and THEN make your baby, whatever your baby may be.

Cannonball

Yesterday traveling back from Milwaukee, I heard this heartbreaker of a song from one of my favorite female vocalists:

I was born when I met you
Now I'm dying to forget you
And that is what I know
Though I dreamed I would fall
Like a wounded cannonball
Sinking down with my heart in tow

Bright lights like white lightning
Who shot me down
Who will cut me down
I'm frozen in my bed till the day comes around
How I'm lost
How I'm found

And although I don't think I'm at the dying to forget you point, I'm definitely in a lot of pain, as I'm sure Brandi was when she wrote this song.

I can relate to this verse, in particular:

Someone told me a lie
Someone looked me in the eye
And said time will ease your pain
But behold, when you fall
It's that same old cannonball
Coming back for your heart again...

Back Home Again

I invited my love over yesterday to clarify what I was feeling and what I needed: to break off our romantic relationship, for now, because I am no longer comfortable with the status quo, in which so much is uncertain and things feel too precarious to build upon.

It was wonderful to see him and be with him, as usual. It feels like I'm in my natural state when I'm in his arms. Home, you might say, and I did say, while we were together.

So did the ipod, choosing this cool cover of a John Denver classic while on shuffle this morning before he left:

And oh, the time that I can lay this tired old body down
and feel your fingers feather soft up-on me
the kisses that I live for, the love that lights my way
the happiness that livin' with you brings me.

It's the sweetest thing I know of, just spending time with you
it's the little things that make a house a home.
Like a fire softly burning and supper on the stove.
And the light in your eyes that makes me warm

Hey, it's good to be back home again...

Didn't We Almost Have It All

If you've been reading my recent posts, the reasons this song is on repeat on the internal ipod are likely obvious:

Remember when we held on in the rain
The night we almost lost it
Once again we can take the night into tomorrow
Living on feelings
Touching you I feel it all again

Didn't we almost have it all
When love was all we had worth giving?
The ride with you was worth the fall my friend
Loving you makes life worth living
Didn't we almost have it all
The night we held on till the morning
You know you'll never love that way again
Didn't we almost have it all

The way you used to touch me felt so fine
We kept our hearts together down the line
A moment in the soul can last forever
Comfort and keep us
Help me bring the feeling back again

Didn't we have the best of times
When love was young and new?
Couldn't we reach inside and find
The world of me and you?
We'll never lose it again
Cause once you know what love is
You never let it end

Whew, Whitney! Thought I was just about cried out but that performance, especially having recently lost your physical form from this Earth, brought out the waterworks again. Thank you for this song, and I particularly want to affirm two aspects of these beautiful lyrics:

1) The ride is most definitely worth the fall, every single time

2) I know what love is, and I'll never let it end

And then close with your question (love when you scream this one):

Didn't we?

I'm Your Man

Leonard Cohen is one of my favorite poets, so when this song came to me the other day while I was thinking about the fact that I'd stopped making reference to "my man" on this blog, I had a feeling the lyrics would be good.

I wasn't disappointed:

If you want a lover
I'll do anything you ask me to
And if you want another kind of love
I'll wear a mask for you
If you want a partner
Take my hand
Or if you want to strike me down in anger
Here I stand
I'm your man

If you want a boxer
I will step into the ring for you
And if you want a doctor
I'll examine every inch of you
If you want a driver
Climb inside
Or if you want to take me for a ride
You know you can
I'm your man

Ah, the moon's too bright
The chain's too tight
The beast won't go to sleep
I've been runnin' through, these promises to you
That I made and I couldn't keep
Ah but a man never got a woman back
Not by beggin' on his knees
Or I'd crawl to you baby
And I'd fall at your feet
And I'd howl at your beauty
Like a dog in heat
And I'd claw at your heart
And I'd tear at your sheet
I'd say please
I'm your man

And if you've got to sleep
A moment on the road
I will steer for you
And if you want to work the street alone
I'll disappear for you
If you want a father for your child
Or only wanna walk with me a while
Across the sand
I'm your man

Thanks, Leonard. That's a pretty damn fine summary of what I'm looking for. I thought I had found him, but now I'm not so sure. So I'm just trying to be with that, and for the time being, continue referring to him as my love, because that much I know is true...

Take a chance on me

In the midst of what feels like (but has not been clearly defined as) a breakup, my love was kind enough to pick up my party of five (my parents being the other two on the trip) from the airport in the wee hours of the morning upon our return from Mexico. Even given both travel exhaustion and some pretty big questions about the status of our relationship, I felt, as I invariably do, a rush of warmth and ardor upon seeing him again. Which I find reassuring, somehow, a sort of validation, whatever we decide to do.

Anyway, when we finally got home and fell into bed, we set the alarm to make sure I'd get up in time to teach my Sunday morning yoga class. As it turns out, we did not need the alarm, as we were up wrestling with the aforementioned big questions.

Still, with my tears of sadness and exhaustion and his own jumble of emotions, we appreciated that the ipod alarm clock, usually unwilling to wake us to music, chose this particular morning to come on blaring this, of all songs:

If you change your mind, I'm the first in line
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down
If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie
If you put me to the test, if you let me try

Take a chance on me
(That's all I ask of you honey)
Take a chance on me

We can go dancing, we can go walking, as long as we're together
Listen to some music, maybe just talking, get to know you better
'Cos you know I've got
So much that I wanna do, when I dream I'm alone with you
It's magic
You want me to leave it there, afraid of a love affair
But I think you know
That I can't let go...

Tears in Heaven

Heard this song on cheesy-at-the-pool-favorites at our resort near the end of the week, and felt profound gratitude for this week spent with my kids in such a beautiful spot.

Sure, there are things I was lacking this past week -- a partner to share the experience with, as well as the parenting -- and there were some things my kids were lacking this week -- their father; a partner of mine to whom they have bonded -- but I think I can speak for all of us when I say that having the time in Mexico together far exceeded the hard feelings about what was missing.

I guess you could say I feel that way overall about my life. Getting divorced has been hard on all of us, there's no question about that. And watching how hard I've tried to put back together a family of four for myself and my kids, I'm in awe of the power of that desire.

But reading this story of loss, and listening to this song about loss:

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?
I'll find my way through night and day
'Cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven

Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please

Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure
And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven...

I mainly feel profoundly grateful that these losses we've suffered are not deaths of loved ones. And I feel emboldened once again in my quest to pick myself up, dust myself off, and enjoy the love that is all around me. Not as it was, not as I dream it could be, but just exactly as it is.

La Isla Bonita

Ah, Mexico. Your pace, your palm trees, your sand, your sunshine... It's good to be back. The inner jukebox fired this one up shortly upon our arrival last week:

Last night I dreamt of San Pedro
Just like I'd never gone, I knew the song
A young girl with eyes like the desert
It all seems like yesterday, not far away

Tropical the island breeze
All of nature wild and free
This is where I long to be
La isla bonita
And when the samba played
The sun would set so high
Ring through my ears and sting my eyes
Your Spanish lullaby

I fell in love with San Pedro
Warm wind carried on the sea, he called to me
Te dijo te amo
I prayed that the days would last
They went so fast

I want to be where the sun warms the sky
When it's time for siesta you can watch them go by
Beautiful faces, no cares in this world
Where a girl loves a boy, and a boy loves a girl...

Everything seems so much simpler here, including that last line, which feels anything but simple in my own life back at home. I'm having a whole lot of trouble understanding why, when that is so clearly the case, we can't find a way to make it work?