Who's Gonna Save My Soul Now

Today was a pretty great day in a lot of respects: My daughter's soccer team won first place overall in their division for the Fall season. I had lunch and went for a walk with a dear friend and her adorable 2-year old daughter. And then I went to yoga with one of my favorite teachers (and favorite yoga buddies).

This song was one of the ones that played during yoga, and happened to come at an emotional point for me in class:

I got some bad news this morning
Which in turn made my day
When this someone spoke I listened
All of a sudden, has less and less to say
Ohhhhhh how could this be?
All this time, I've lived vicariously
Who's gonna save my soul now?
Who's gonna save my soul now?
How will my story ever be tollllld now?
How will my story be tollllld now?

Made me feel like somebody
Hmmm, like somebody else
Although he was imitated often
It felt like I was bein myself
Is it a shame that someone else's song
Was totally and completely dependant on
Who's gonna save my soul now?
Who's gonna save my soul now?
I wonder if I'll live to grow old now
Gettin high cause I feel so lowwwww down

And maybe it's a little selfish
All I have is the memory
Yet I never stopped to wonder-ahhhhh
Was it possible you were hurtin worse than me
Still my hunger turns to greeeeed
Cause what about what I neeeeeed?!
And OHHHH~! Who's gonna save my soul now?
Who's gonna save my soul now?
Ohhhh I know I'm out of control now
Oooh-oooh, tired enough to lay my own soul down

Yes I am. And that's how I was feeling in class closer to the end. So instead of doing what the rest of the class was doing at that point, I just laid there in savasana, the occasional tear rolling down my face.

And then the teacher came over with the tuning forks to do some work on me. And I'm sure it helped. But it feels like I've got a long way to go to tuned.

I'm reading a book called The Body Never Lies: The Lingering Effects of Cruel Parenting. It isn't an easy book to read. I've had it for several years, and I've picked it up several times, but in the past I've always put it back down again after a couple of pages.

Its premise is a hard one to swallow: No one is obligated, in fact, to love (or honor) thy mother and thy father. Especially not when they have done you harm.

No one is obligated to continue the charade with them. I remember when I was a little girl on my mother's birthday. I always had this huge internal struggle about what to write. I knew that I didn't feel love for her, or anything good, but I felt like I should muster up whatever I had to fake it.

I've done that for so long. And yes, I think some part of me thought that if I kept doing that, I might someday get what I always wanted from them. But I won't. And I'm ready to stop pretending.

I'm so tired of being on the other end of the phone when my Mother says she misses me or wants to hear about my life, or wants to talk more. I just sit there in silence. I don't want to say to her what I don't feel, which is those things about her. And I don't want to explain why I don't say anything, or don't call her. So I sit there. And then I hang up the phone, and I feel conflicted.

I'm done with that now. I don't miss you, Mom. I'm not going to call you. I'm not going to say I love you when I don't feel it, and when I know that what you feel for me is less than the love I have for my children and less than the love I want for myself. I don't wish you pain or harm. Quite the opposite. I wish you peace. And truth. And authenticity. I want those same things for myself. And I'm never going to have them, or give them to you, by pretending something I don't feel.

I'm out.

It's the truth for me from now on. My truth. If it hurts you, go deal with your pain. God knows I have been dealing with it long enough...

Both Sides Now

Again with the inner jukebox firing up while I'm riding around downtown, but this time it was a Joni Mitchell number:

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

I feel that way sometimes too Joni. Everything in life is a mixed bag. At one point I thought I was going to get to the point when it wasn't going to be hard anymore, but now I'm not sure that's ever going to happen.

But I'll keep looking. At life. From Both Sides. Now. And Forever...

Gloria

Today one of my coworkers played this song as a joke:

Gloria, you're always on the run now.
Running after somebody, you gotta get him somehow.
I think you've got to slow down, before you start to blow it.
I think you're headed for a breakdown, so be careful not to show it

You really don't remember, was it something that he said?
All the voices in your head calling, Gloria?
Gloria, don't you think you're fallin'?
If everybody wants you, why isn't anybody callin'?
You don't have to answer
Leave them hangin' on the line, oh-oh-oh, calling Gloria
Gloria (Gloria), I think they got your number (Gloria)
I think they got the alias (Gloria) that you've been living under (Gloria)
But you really don't remember, was it something that they said?
All the voices in your head calling, Gloria?

A-ha-ha, a-ha-ha, Gloria, how's it gonna go down?
Will you meet him on the main line, or will you catch him on the rebound?
Will you marry for the money, take a lover in the afternoon?
Feel your innocence slipping away, don't believe it's comin' back soon

And you really don't remember, was it something that he said?
All the voices in your head calling, Gloria?
Gloria, don't you think you're fallin'?
If everybody wants you, why isn't anybody callin'?
You don't have to answer
Leave them hangin' on the line, oh-oh-oh, calling Gloria
Gloria (Gloria), I think they got your number (Gloria)
I think they got the alias (Gloria) that you've been living under (Gloria)
But you really don't remember, was it something that they said?
Are the voices in your head calling, Gloria?

(Gloria, Gloria, Gloria, Gloria, Gloria)
(Gloria, Gloria, Gloria, Gloria, Gloria) ...

I love that song! I told her. And yes, it's cheesy. That's the point. It was the 80s, after all!

I Don't Wanna Live Without Your Love

I was walking around downtown on this beautiful Fall afternoon when these lines starting playing in my head:

I don't wanna love nobody else,
I don't wanna find somebody new...

And then immediately I said out loud: "Yes I do."

I do wanna find somebody new.

Chicago, I love you, I grew up with you, but I gotta part ways with you here on this classic song o' yours:

Guess I had to go away,
So much I had to go through.
Guess I had to lose you
To realize how much I love you.
Can we make the fire burn again,
Burn a little stronger?
'Cause I've been alone, and baby,
I can't be alone now any longer.

I don't wanna live without your love,
I don't wanna face the night alone.
I could never make it through my life
If I had to make it on my own.
I don't wanna love nobody else,
I don't wanna find somebody new.
I don't wanna live without your love,
I just wanna live my life with you.

Oh, if I had to make it on my own,
My life would never be the same,
My love would never be the same.
I don't wanna live without your love.

I don't wanna live without your love,
I don't wanna face the night alone.
I could never make it through my life
If I had to make it on my own.
I don't wanna love nobody else,
I don't wanna find somebody new-

Oh yes I do!

Jolene

It's been a while since I've pulled out a song from the treasure trove of my childhood idol Olivia Newton-John. Luckily, today I once again have reason to reach into that vault. I saw a video on Facebook of my friend's daughter singing this classic song (Dolly Parton's original version):

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
I'm begging of you please don't take my man
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
Please don't take him just because you can

Your beauty is beyond compare
With flaming locks of auburn hair
With ivory skin and eyes of emerald green

Your smile is like a breath of spring
Your voice is soft like summer rain
And I cannot compete with you, Jolene

He talks about you in his sleep
There's nothing I can do to keep
From crying when he calls your name, Jolene

And I can easily understand
How you could easily take my man
But you don't know what he means to me, Jolene

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
I'm begging of you please don't take my man
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
Please don't take him just because you can

You could have your choice of men
But I could never love again
He's the only one for me, Jolene

I had to have this talk with you
My happiness depends on you
And whatever you decide to do, Jolene

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
I'm begging of you please don't take my man
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
Please don't take him even though you can

Jolene, Jolene

It was beautiful to see and hear her singing it. Almost as beautiful as it is to see my beloved Aussie belting out the same song.

And while ONJ gets my vote every time, I do love this version of Dolly performing with Miley Cyrus.

Dang Jolene, you inspired a lot of awesome voices to warn you against stealing her man!

All Apologies

This song has been on repeat for me in the past week or so:

What else should I be
All apologies
What else could I say
Everyone is gay
What else could I write
I don't have the right
What else should I be
All apologies

In the sun
In the sun I feel as one
In the sun
In the sun
Married
Buried

I love this song, and it's appropriate to mark this day for a couple of reasons:

1) I taught yoga in the jail today, and although one guard told us we couldn't open up the doors in the gym and let the sun shine in, another guard opened them for us. The women were so excited to see the sun and the sky and the fall colors. Sensory deprivation is no joke, but it sure does enhance the experience once the senses are allowed to take it all in again. I feel so lucky to bear witness to these women and feel this incredible sense of oneness. There by the grace of God go I and all that...

2) Yesterday was my Mom's birthday. I reckon I did some more healing in California from my relationship with my Mom. I realized while riding my bike yesterday that, at least in part, what I loathe in her, I loathe in myself. If I can find a way to embrace her, I will also be embracing me. And I know that to a large extent, this is true. There is still the part of me that thinks "But she was the parent! She was supposed to know! She was supposed to protect me!" But I know that holding on to what was supposed to happen serves no one. So I have to let myself feel it and move on:

I wish I was like you
Easily amused
Find my nest of salt
Everything's my fault
I take all the blame
Aqua seafoam shame
Sunburn, freezer burn
Choking on the ashes of her enemy

Everything is not my fault, but everything is not her fault, either. And riding my bike in the Fall sunshine, I can feel that this is true, and I can let go of more of the pain I've been hauling around for so long:

In the sun
In the sun I feel as one
In the sun
In the sun
Married
Married
Married
Buried

O Come All Ye Faithful

I had the best dream last night. The kind that made me wake up in a great mood, and not because something awesome happened in my dream that I wanted to happen in real life, but because something awesomely inexplicable was dancing around in my brain last night.

I dreamt that Becky, the character on Glee with Down Syndrome, got up to do karaoke. She even had an electric guitar, which is unusual for karaoke.

But the best part? The song she rocked out to was O Come All Ye Faithful.

Yeah, that's right, the Christmas Carol:

O come all ye faithful joyful and triumphant
Oh come ye O come ye to Bethlehem;
Come and behold him born the King of angels;
O come let us adore him Christ the Lord.

Ashtanga Yoga Berkeley, where the retreat was held

Weird, right? The best I can figure, this is somehow related to some of the feelings I had about working with such an amazing teacher in Berkeley. He is positively enraptured by the Ashtanga practice and just being around him renewed my own dedication.

And I always loved the Becky character, though I don't remember her ever singing. Maybe that's why she was singing a hymn rather than a popular song in my dream? After all, anybody and everybody can sing at church.

And this is my favorite verse to belt out:

Sing choirs of angels sing in exultation
Sing all ye citizens of heaven above;
Glory to God in the highest:
O come, let us adore him, Christ the Lord.

Can't believe it's already October! It'll be time for Christmas carols before we know it...

No One's More Happy Than You

Today I called and left a voicemail for a friend, telling her a bit about my life as I often do when I leave her a message. And as I spoke I realized, and relayed to her, how happy I was feeling. Genuinely happy. Not really linked to a single event or person, just a feeling of contentment. Awesome.

And that feeling struck up this number on the internal jukebox:

No ones more happy than you
Even the sky's feeling blue
And you don't believe, but it's true
No one's more happy than you

A beautiful Hackensack night
Two teenagers kiss and hold tight
The satellite swimming above
Is sending a message of love

No one's more happy than you
Even the sky's feeling blue
And you don't believe, but it's true
No one's more happy than you
No one's more happy than you

The Stop N Shop is open all night
With a mothering florescent light
The milk carton pictures a dove
As the intercom crackles with love

No one's more happy than you
The foot's on the other shoe
And nobody knows what to do
'Cause no one's more happy than you
No one's more happy than you

No one's more happy than you
No one

I don't know about that, but I do know that I'm going to fully inhabit this feeling for as long as I can...

Ride

Woke up in the wee hours with the chorus of this song playing on the internal ipod:

I've been thinking too much
I've been thinking too much
I've been thinking too much
I've been thinking too much
(help me)
I've been thinking too much (I've been thinking too much)
I've been thinking too much (Help me)
I've been thinking too much (I've been thinking too much)
I've been thinking too much

And it's true. About my life. I have been thinking too much. About work. About men. About money. About kids.

I managed to mostly take a break from that in Cali, and man, was it blissful:

Oh, oh, I'm falling, so I'm taking my time on my ride
Oh, I'm falling, so I'm taking my time
Taking my time on my ride

The beautiful streets of Berkeley: Best seen by bike

Loved, loved, loved having the mental break out there. Loved taking my time on my ride, too.

I hope I can keep some mental space as I dive back into my insanely busy life here:

I've been thinking too much
Help me
I've been thinking too much
Help me

I've been thinking too much (I've been thinking too much)
I've been thinking too much (help me)
I've been thinking too much (I've been thinking too much)
I've been thinking too much
Help me

Stand

Heard this classic number on the way home from the airport:

Stand in the place where you live
Now face north
Think about direction
Wonder why you haven't before

Now stand in the place where you work
Now face west
Think about the place where you live
Wonder why you haven't before

If you are confused, check with the sun
Carry a compass to help you along
Your feet are going to be on the ground
Your head is there to move you around

So stand in the place where you live
Now face north
Think about direction
Wonder why you haven't before

Now stand in the place where you work
Now face west
Think about the place where you live
Wonder why you haven't before

Your feet are going to be on the ground
Your head is there to move you around
If wishes were trees, the trees would be falling
Listen to reason, season is calling

Stand in the place where you live
Now face north
Think about direction
Wonder why you haven't before

Now stand in the place where you work
Now face west
Think about the place where you live
Wonder why you haven't before

If wishes were trees, the trees would be falling
Listen to reason, reason is calling
Your feet are going to be on the ground
Your head is there to move you around

I can't think of a more apropos song for my homecoming.

No doubt about it, California is calling my name. It has been for a long time, but its beckoning is louder now. More certain.

Still, Madison is where my kids live, so it is where I will Stand, both feet firmly planted, until they are launched...