Who's Gonna Save My Soul Now

Today was a pretty great day in a lot of respects: My daughter's soccer team won first place overall in their division for the Fall season. I had lunch and went for a walk with a dear friend and her adorable 2-year old daughter. And then I went to yoga with one of my favorite teachers (and favorite yoga buddies).

This song was one of the ones that played during yoga, and happened to come at an emotional point for me in class:

I got some bad news this morning
Which in turn made my day
When this someone spoke I listened
All of a sudden, has less and less to say
Ohhhhhh how could this be?
All this time, I've lived vicariously
Who's gonna save my soul now?
Who's gonna save my soul now?
How will my story ever be tollllld now?
How will my story be tollllld now?

Made me feel like somebody
Hmmm, like somebody else
Although he was imitated often
It felt like I was bein myself
Is it a shame that someone else's song
Was totally and completely dependant on
Who's gonna save my soul now?
Who's gonna save my soul now?
I wonder if I'll live to grow old now
Gettin high cause I feel so lowwwww down

And maybe it's a little selfish
All I have is the memory
Yet I never stopped to wonder-ahhhhh
Was it possible you were hurtin worse than me
Still my hunger turns to greeeeed
Cause what about what I neeeeeed?!
And OHHHH~! Who's gonna save my soul now?
Who's gonna save my soul now?
Ohhhh I know I'm out of control now
Oooh-oooh, tired enough to lay my own soul down

Yes I am. And that's how I was feeling in class closer to the end. So instead of doing what the rest of the class was doing at that point, I just laid there in savasana, the occasional tear rolling down my face.

And then the teacher came over with the tuning forks to do some work on me. And I'm sure it helped. But it feels like I've got a long way to go to tuned.

I'm reading a book called The Body Never Lies: The Lingering Effects of Cruel Parenting. It isn't an easy book to read. I've had it for several years, and I've picked it up several times, but in the past I've always put it back down again after a couple of pages.

Its premise is a hard one to swallow: No one is obligated, in fact, to love (or honor) thy mother and thy father. Especially not when they have done you harm.

No one is obligated to continue the charade with them. I remember when I was a little girl on my mother's birthday. I always had this huge internal struggle about what to write. I knew that I didn't feel love for her, or anything good, but I felt like I should muster up whatever I had to fake it.

I've done that for so long. And yes, I think some part of me thought that if I kept doing that, I might someday get what I always wanted from them. But I won't. And I'm ready to stop pretending.

I'm so tired of being on the other end of the phone when my Mother says she misses me or wants to hear about my life, or wants to talk more. I just sit there in silence. I don't want to say to her what I don't feel, which is those things about her. And I don't want to explain why I don't say anything, or don't call her. So I sit there. And then I hang up the phone, and I feel conflicted.

I'm done with that now. I don't miss you, Mom. I'm not going to call you. I'm not going to say I love you when I don't feel it, and when I know that what you feel for me is less than the love I have for my children and less than the love I want for myself. I don't wish you pain or harm. Quite the opposite. I wish you peace. And truth. And authenticity. I want those same things for myself. And I'm never going to have them, or give them to you, by pretending something I don't feel.

I'm out.

It's the truth for me from now on. My truth. If it hurts you, go deal with your pain. God knows I have been dealing with it long enough...